Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

OMG this is so offensive on so many levels. Equating sex with female AP is like taking a dump is repulsive.

This is so misogynistic. Hope you don’t have a daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv

Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.

Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.

Give your wife the choice to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage with a cheater. Who are you to decide for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv

Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.

Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.

Give your wife the choice to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage with a cheater. Who are you to decide for her?

Usually neither side wants the divorce. It's why cheating is so prevalent and many couples choose to stay married. They don't want the stigma or the to part with the money. Its not about love, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv

Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.

Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.

Give your wife the choice to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage with a cheater. Who are you to decide for her?

Usually neither side wants the divorce. It's why cheating is so prevalent and many couples choose to stay married. They don't want the stigma or the to part with the money. Its not about love, at all.

So if the wife is given the choice and she makes the decision to stay in the marriage, that is now open marriage and there’s consent. Otherwise, she needs to be able to given the right to make the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv

Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.

Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.

Give your wife the choice to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage with a cheater. Who are you to decide for her?

That's fair. Tell her he will be getting sex elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my AP and I are temporary. She is in the middle of a bad divorce, we are friends first and it's great to have sex again. It will end.

No idea why my wife lost interest and Lord knows we have talked about it for a decade. Not even sure how much she'd care if she caught us. Kids are thriving, finances are great, who throws all that away to chase so pipe dream of Tru Luv

Ha! I wonder why she's in the middle of a bad divorce. Real smart to be sleeping with someone going through that.

Would you care if she caught you, and filed divorce? I'd focus on that.

Are you seriously confused if a normal libido man would rather stay sexlessly married, versus divorce?
His cheating is the only thing saving their marriage. You get that, right?
Your advice for him to "focus on that" makes zero sense.

Give your wife the choice to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage with a cheater. Who are you to decide for her?

Usually neither side wants the divorce. It's why cheating is so prevalent and many couples choose to stay married. They don't want the stigma or the to part with the money. Its not about love, at all.

I've seen this with people I know. Although some wives I've known loved him, had a decent sex life and he still cheated. They stayed married but the wife realized he didn't love her if he chose to cheat. After cheating he was nothing. Cheating really destroys many marriage that were already good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

OMG this is so offensive on so many levels. Equating sex with female AP is like taking a dump is repulsive.

This is so misogynistic. Hope you don’t have a daughter.

I'm a woman and would have to agree with him to an extent. Most are simply a hole in the mattress to these cheaters. However, once the wife finds out they've destroyed any love the wife felt. It's not how women look at it. A total betrayal. The marriage is completely dirtied not to mention the possible STDs he picked up from such a woman. Really the foundation of trust is destroyed forever. Sure they can preserve "The Family", but the marriage will be fake after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

OMG this is so offensive on so many levels. Equating sex with female AP is like taking a dump is repulsive.

This is so misogynistic. Hope you don’t have a daughter.

I'm a woman and would have to agree with him to an extent. Most are simply a hole in the mattress to these cheaters. However, once the wife finds out they've destroyed any love the wife felt. It's not how women look at it. A total betrayal. The marriage is completely dirtied not to mention the possible STDs he picked up from such a woman. Really the foundation of trust is destroyed forever. Sure they can preserve "The Family", but the marriage will be fake after that.

+1 and as a child whose dad had multiple affairs, I have zero respect for him. His affairs were clearly the priority over his wife and kids and grandkids. Only problem now is all the women disappeared as the money dried up and he's now losing his health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm a woman and would have to agree with him to an extent. Most are simply a hole in the mattress to these cheaters. However, once the wife finds out they've destroyed any love the wife felt. It's not how women look at it. A total betrayal. The marriage is completely dirtied not to mention the possible STDs he picked up from such a woman. Really the foundation of trust is destroyed forever. Sure they can preserve "The Family", but the marriage will be fake after that.

+1 and as a child whose dad had multiple affairs, I have zero respect for him. His affairs were clearly the priority over his wife and kids and grandkids. Only problem now is all the women disappeared as the money dried up and he's now losing his health.

So how does not having respect for your father manifest itself? Meaning did that loss of respect affect anything for him at all? It sounds like he ultimately got the life he wanted out of life and there are no repercussions for him. You are potentially still there to take care of him after all the women have left!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

OMG this is so offensive on so many levels. Equating sex with female AP is like taking a dump is repulsive.

This is so misogynistic. Hope you don’t have a daughter.

I'm a woman and would have to agree with him to an extent. Most are simply a hole in the mattress to these cheaters. However, once the wife finds out they've destroyed any love the wife felt. It's not how women look at it. A total betrayal. The marriage is completely dirtied not to mention the possible STDs he picked up from such a woman. Really the foundation of trust is destroyed forever. Sure they can preserve "The Family", but the marriage will be fake after that.

+1 and as a child whose dad had multiple affairs, I have zero respect for him. His affairs were clearly the priority over his wife and kids and grandkids. Only problem now is all the women disappeared as the money dried up and he's now losing his health.

Women do such a disservice to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

This is extremely simplistic.

There are plenty of APs who spend a lot of time getting to know their AP. Yes, it’s mostly about the sex for men. But you’re kidding yourself if you think there is never an emotional component. Most affairs involve MANY text messages and sometimes plenty of phone calls. Sex also doesn’t involve weird kink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

OMG this is so offensive on so many levels. Equating sex with female AP is like taking a dump is repulsive.

This is so misogynistic. Hope you don’t have a daughter.

I'm a woman and would have to agree with him to an extent. Most are simply a hole in the mattress to these cheaters. However, once the wife finds out they've destroyed any love the wife felt. It's not how women look at it. A total betrayal. The marriage is completely dirtied not to mention the possible STDs he picked up from such a woman. Really the foundation of trust is destroyed forever. Sure they can preserve "The Family", but the marriage will be fake after that.

Plenty of marriages move past an affair. Your comment is overly emotional and extreme. No, sex with an AP doesn’t necessarily result in an STD. Most people contract STDs when single and younger. Not all women view an affair the same way as you. Not all women are the same. Not all men are the same.

[Anonymous]

Money, kids, friends, family, reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who have affairs are working from a different moral compass. They are focused on getting their own needs met, not on avoiding harm or protecting others.

Some love the riskiness of the dual life and thrive on the sneaking around, the lies, the deceit. The thought of getting away with it is a rush.

They don't really care about harm or damage to their spouse or kids or what will happen if they get found out. They are focused inwardly and on getting the attention or validation or sex or rush that cheating gives them.

They don't feel shame or guilt or remorse the same way others do. People with those feelings get divorced. Those who instead get a thrill from cheating, knowing they might blow up their family if caught get excited not guilty - a divorce doesn't bring that rush or thrill.

If they do her caught, they rationalize it, blame it on others, twist the context, manipulate and lie some more.

Life gets boring and mundane, people's moral compass will help determine what they do about it.

I think of cheaters like arsonists. They are playing with fire and matches in the basement of their house. The thrill of playing with fire and the risk of burning the house down is a rush. They know they could burn it down me their spouse / kids could her burned or killed but the thrill of the fire is a stronger pull. Sometimes they realize they have flirted too close to danger, the fire got out of hand, spouse or kids smelled smoke and they pull back for a bit. Other times the pull is too strong and they can't stop themselves and they might the house on fire and tell themselves the thrill of the playing with fire is worth whatever pain or suffering the fire causes.

I cheated on my first husband after eight years of marriage. During those eight years, all I did was put him first--his education, his career, his family, his ego, his insistence for daily sex, every single one of his needs. I didn't just put him first, I neglected my own needs. When I told him what my needs were, he chose to ignore them. Still, I loved him. Then I met someone who was very different, and I had an affair. Should I have divorced my first husband before the affair? Sure, but I didn't have good family role models growing up, and I honestly didn't know how screwed up my relationship with my husband was until I was already engaged in the affair. I felt guilty, I tried to work it out with my husband, we did couples therapy, and I attended therapy on my own. We divorced. I ended up marrying my affair partner, and we've been happily married for 16 years. My ex actually remarried before I did. His old college crush moved-in with him three months after I moved out of our home, and they were married nine months later. She was living with her fiancé when they reconnected. She gave up her career and relocated cities to be with him, so I'm pretty sure he found a replacement to meet his needs. There are no children from my first marriage, so I cannot speak to how my behavior and choices would have been different if we had shared a family.

The affair was a catalyst for me, and I'm a different person now. I value myself, and I'm with someone who values me as a person and partner.

My advice to all couples is to never say never. Those who think they'd never have an affair are the most vulnerable, because they don't see it coming, and they think they're immune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The female AP is just a convenient hole. There is no love story here. Extra-marital sex is a bodily function for men, like taking a dump. + The female AP is willing to do the kind of sex acts that the wife is not willing to - anal, bondage, golden showers...so the man gets his fun in and yet preserve his family. The men certainly do not want to have kids with the female AP.

OMG this is so offensive on so many levels. Equating sex with female AP is like taking a dump is repulsive.

This is so misogynistic. Hope you don’t have a daughter.

I'm a woman and would have to agree with him to an extent. Most are simply a hole in the mattress to these cheaters. However, once the wife finds out they've destroyed any love the wife felt. It's not how women look at it. A total betrayal. The marriage is completely dirtied not to mention the possible STDs he picked up from such a woman. Really the foundation of trust is destroyed forever. Sure they can preserve "The Family", but the marriage will be fake after that.

Agreed that if the wife finds out the marriage is destroyed in many case. However, the men do not have an affair with the intention of being caught or leaving their wives. They get caught because they invariable choose a mentally unhinged AP ( sane healthy women with self-respect will not touch a married man, and since the AP is just a hole and not the mother of the man's children, he does not care about the mental state of the woman) and they eventually tattle.

Case in point, the woman who is accusing Matt Lauer of rape. She had anal with him in the first encounter and then continued to have sex with him consensually multiple times. When he broke off with her, she tattled.

The best AP is usually a married working woman who does not work in the same office or organization and who does not want to break her own marriage and just want sexual release. Men usually cannot find a person like this because they also want a younger woman.

There is a reason that moneyed men go for Sugar Babies and prostitutes.