Reply to Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People who have affairs are working from a different moral compass. [b]They are focused on getting their own needs met,[/b] not on avoiding harm or protecting others.

Some love the riskiness of the dual life and thrive on the sneaking around, the lies, the deceit. The thought of getting away with it is a rush.

They don't really care about harm or damage to their spouse or kids or what will happen if they get found out. [b]They are focused inwardly and on getting the attention or validation or sex or rush that cheating gives them. [/b]

[b]They don't feel shame or guilt or remorse the same way others do.[/b] People with those feelings get divorced. Those who instead get a thrill from cheating, knowing they might blow up their family if caught get excited not guilty - a divorce doesn't bring that rush or thrill.

If they do her caught, they rationalize it, blame it on others, twist the context, manipulate and lie some more.

Life gets boring and mundane, people's moral compass will help determine what they do about it.

I think of cheaters like arsonists. They are playing with fire and matches in the basement of their house. The thrill of playing with fire and the risk of burning the house down is a rush. They know they could burn it down me their spouse / kids could her burned or killed but the thrill of the fire is a stronger pull. Sometimes they realize they have flirted too close to danger, the fire got out of hand, spouse or kids smelled smoke and they pull back for a bit. Other times the pull is too strong and they can't stop themselves and they might the house on fire and tell themselves the thrill of the playing with fire is worth whatever pain or suffering the fire causes.  [/quote]

I cheated on my first husband after eight years of marriage. During those eight years, all I did was put him first--his education, his career, his family, his ego, his insistence  for daily sex, every single one of his needs. I didn't just put him first, I neglected my own needs. When I told him what my needs were, he chose to ignore them. Still, I loved him. Then I met someone who was very different, and I had an affair. Should I have divorced my first husband before the affair? Sure, but I didn't have good family role models growing up, and I honestly didn't know how screwed up my relationship with my husband was until I was already engaged in the affair. I felt guilty, I tried to work it out with my husband, we did couples therapy, and I attended therapy on my own. We divorced. I ended up marrying my affair partner, and we've been happily married for 16 years. My ex actually remarried before I did. His old college crush moved-in with him three months after I moved out of our home, and they were married nine months later. She was living with her fiancé when they reconnected. She gave up her career and relocated cities to be with him, so I'm pretty sure he found a replacement to meet his needs. There are no children from my first marriage, so I cannot speak to how my behavior and choices would have been different if we had shared a family.

The affair was a catalyst for me, and I'm a different person now. I value myself, and I'm with someone who values me as a person and partner.

My advice to all couples is to never say never. Those who think they'd never have an affair are the most vulnerable, because they don't see it coming, and they think they're immune. 
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