6th grader is only kid in his peer group without a phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son is starting middle school without a phone. I don't think he's mature enough for a phone, and he doesn't really need one, as it's a short walk to school and we have a landline. Plus he has ADHD and I feel like having a phone so young will make it harder for him to learn to stay focused. My friends with older kids strongly urge us to wait until at least age 13.

But now that school is underway, I can see that all his peers have phones with texting capability. There's a large group of boys in the neighborhood who have an ongoing group text, sending emojis and talking about girls. Our son is a little socially challenged as it is, and I'm worried that not having a phone will further isolate him. But then again, maybe having a phone lead to other problems such as bullying (already one kid is picking on my son) or inappropriate texts. And aren't there 6th graders who don't yet have phones? Or have phones but are willing to initiate get-togethers with kids who don't have phones? How real is the social isolation of kids who don't have phones in 6th grade?

Hoping that parents of slightly older kids can weigh in with some different perspectives to consider.

I don’t like it but unfortunately phones are how kids communicate now so if your DS doesn’t have a phone he will be left out. I’m sorry, but it’s the sad truth. You can add parental controls and keep control over his password to download apps. It’s not like you’re completely turning him over to the wolves. As my kids aged, I have slowly lifted the controls. Parenting is very tricky nowadays. Hang in there.

Signed,
1 in college (got his phone in late 8th grade)
2 in high school (The 2nd child got a phone in mid 7th and the 3rd child got theirs the beginning of 6th)
See the progression of our changing society?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 boys.

My oldest is in high school and got a phone between 5th and 6th grade. He was one of the first in his group to get a phone and it was an uncool flip phone.

My second is in middle school. He got a flip phone at the end of 6th grade and an older model iphone in 7th.

My youngest is in 6th grade and does not yet have a phone. He is the "coolest" and most popular of the 3. He might get a phone in middle school or he might not.

Our ages has gotten older with each kid as we learn more.

Flip phones are really obsolete, and the more we learn we realize the less an elementary or middle achool kid needs a smart phone.

They just do not have the judgement at that age to not put themselves at risk through their smart phones.

Theh make really, really poor choices.

My middle school kids' friends, all REALLY good kids whose parents would swear had good judgement, make really poor choices with their smart phones and phone cameras, includi g requesting/sending nudes as young as age 12.

They put things out via instagram, IM, text, snapchat and more that is completely innapropriate and which they have no control over once they hit send. They think they are being funny or edgy, but they are often being racist, sexist, homophobic or just stupid. As my high schooler says " Do you really want all your middle school musings out there for all eternity, out of your control, for the whole world to see?"

They say you learn from your older kids to become a better parent.

For us, that means realizing that hurrying to get your elementary or middle school child a smart phone is a really, really stupid parenting move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 boys.

My oldest is in high school and got a phone between 5th and 6th grade. He was one of the first in his group to get a phone and it was an uncool flip phone.

My second is in middle school. He got a flip phone at the end of 6th grade and an older model iphone in 7th.

My youngest is in 6th grade and does not yet have a phone. He is the "coolest" and most popular of the 3. He might get a phone in middle school or he might not.

Our ages has gotten older with each kid as we learn more.

Flip phones are really obsolete, and the more we learn we realize the less an elementary or middle achool kid needs a smart phone.

They just do not have the judgement at that age to not put themselves at risk through their smart phones.

Theh make really, really poor choices.

My middle school kids' friends, all REALLY good kids whose parents would swear had good judgement, make really poor choices with their smart phones and phone cameras, includi g requesting/sending nudes as young as age 12.

They put things out via instagram, IM, text, snapchat and more that is completely innapropriate and which they have no control over once they hit send. They think they are being funny or edgy, but they are often being racist, sexist, homophobic or just stupid. As my high schooler says " Do you really want all your middle school musings out there for all eternity, out of your control, for the whole world to see?"

They say you learn from your older kids to become a better parent.

For us, that means realizing that hurrying to get your elementary or middle school child a smart phone is a really, really stupid parenting move.

How is it much different than say a ninth grader getting one? Do kids really change that much from 8th to 9th? I think kids who are responsible already in middle school and show good judgment usually stay that way.

[Anonymous]

My boys had smart phones starting in the 3rd grade. I used the gps apps to ensure they were arriving at school and when they were getting home. I can also track them in the neighborhood when they're out playing. They have instant contact for help or if they need me for any reason. I have full access to their social media and passwords. I also monitor apps for hidden features. Its absolutely essential for kids to have a phone. Denying kids access to technology now will ultimately backfire on parents in the future in so many ways. Think back to when you were a teen and remember the must haves of fitting in.

[Anonymous]

No matter your choice, you’ll be considered an idiot by many, as evidenced by this thread. So focus on yourself, where your boundaries are and what your family needs.

I’ve got a 14yo who had a phone at the start of 5th grade, which was the entry year for his upper school (we moved from Moco to outside of the USA that summer). He also has a bad case of ADHD and social anxiety, so I understand some of your hesitation.

Back then, we used it to track him going/coming from school, and he could use google maps & translation if he needed help (didn’t speak a word of the local language when we arrived). None of his old friends in DC had a phone or even their own email, but local kids abroad all had phones and used WhatsApp to organize themselves. I also made him communicate directly with teachers to clarify assignments etc. But I told him he’d have to wait until 14 for social media accounts.

Re. keeping track of an expensive phone, we got an iPhone so that it could be tracked more easily. I used Tile chips on his other things, so it made both the phone and his other school gear more findable. In four years, he’s lost (& found!) it three times: once on the school bus (driver found it & gave it back), once on a flight to Marrakech (found and turned into airport security), and once in an Uber (called the driver & got it back). But he’s also been on a host of other trips, outings and commutes where he hasn’t lost it, so for an ADHD kid, his track record is not that bad.

Re. distraction, honestly, I find the computer a lot more distracting for him, but it’s mandatory at his school. The phone has limited data, so he can’t download movies or watch endless YouTube. The school limits WiFi connection to computer only.

Looking back, I found that it was a lot easier to monitor his virtual interactions when he was young. At 11, he didn’t really care about privacy, so I let him know I’d be reviewing his web searches and any messaging, and I did - frequently at first and less so as time went on. It made for important conversation points about timeliness and how to respond appropriately - especially when someone is trying to wind you up. Writing coherent emails or texts is something he definitely wasn’t born knowing how to do. Like anything, it takes practice, and I’m glad to have been there to help.

Now that he’s 14, the struggles are (understandably) over privacy. If he were starting his ‘virtual identity’ now, there is no chance he would want me sifting through his messages. Oddly, he has not wanted social media even though he’s reached my age requirement - if anything, he’s really against it because he’s mad about FB abuse of user data and doesn’t trust Insta to not do the same. I know he’s not angelic wrt his texts, but I’m happy with his anti-social media stance. I still make him show me any communication with an adult before he sends it.

Did this ease his social interaction? Well, he’s still not a crazy popular, confident boy, and can still have times of painful shyness. Some of that has disappeared with age and some via very specific things we’ve done to challenge him in real life. With the WhatsApp groups, being able to follow a conversation in chat form was helpful to him because it gave a bit of extra time to process and respond appropriately in a way that doesn’t exist when you’re face to face or trying to be heard in a crowd. There are groups that he hasn’t been invited to be part of, and he’s ok with that - such ‘sifting’ helped him realize who his better friends are. Being part of the groups that he is part of has definitely opened up social opportunities that he would have been left out of otherwise.