6th grader is only kid in his peer group without a phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay strong, OP. Your fellow resisters are out here.

+1. Mine is in 6th as well and does not have a phone, nor will he be getting one until at least 8th.

OP, I did allow him to join the school group chat on my phone. That has the added benefit of me being able to read the texts, plus I can obviously limit the time that he spends on the phone. It's working for now.

I did this as well for 6th grade for school related chats. It was so annoying getting all those messages on my phone but it worked for the year before I allowed a smartphone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get your kid a phone! Or other digital device that allows texting. They need to learn how to use it properly -- keeping phones away doesn't teach that. This is the world, it's so strange to me that people want their kids to learn 20th century communication skills but neglect 21st century training. Why should they be able to write essays at 11 but not text? This is basic social functioning in the world today.

And impose rules and structure and teach digital hygiene and all the rest, but please do not monitor everything. Have better things to do. Stop spying on your kid. Spot check, sure, but give them some privacy and focus on building trust and having actual conversations with your kid instead of "monitoring" them. Otherwise they will very quickly learn to evade - focus on teaching good judgment instead. Ask questions. Hard ones. But for the love of god stop reading every single text they send and receive, it's exhausting just hearing about it.

My kid has had a phone since mid-elementary school and rolls her eyes every time a friend gets a new phone because they send a million emojis and chain-mail -style texts and generally have no idea how to communicate properly. It usually takes a few months for kids to get the hang of it.

My other kid has also had a phone since the 5th grade. He's now in 11th and says the kids who are obsessively instagramming and always have their phones out and don't know how to have face-to-face conversations are inevitably the kids who are new to smartphones. They haven't developed their social skills co-extensively with their tech skills and they are the ones that make all the mistakes.

Also, I am so over having to contact parents to make plans. These are middle schoolers. They should be able to socialize more or less independently. If your kid cannot communicate independently, they will probably not hang out with my kid, because she is not going to call you to hang out, and neither am I, sorry!

ps for the love of god stop calling it a "playdate." It's infantilizing.

Children in elementary school do not need phones. Period. They don't need to be learning how to text.

Kids will eventually need to learn to use phones and social media responsibly. Elementary school is not that time. Parents like you are a NIGHTMARE.

They don’t need bikes, or Netflix, or video games either. But many kids their age enjoy these things. What a dumb argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hmmm..let's see where you kid is when he or she is 20. Being a star on Youtube is not something normal parents are wishing for their kids .

Haha no we are certainly outside the norm. Also outside the norm: A teen who is expert at video editing, viral marketing, et al. And no he is not a youtube star. He used to get about 5k views / video, now it's 10-50 times that, and his face or name has never appeared in any of his pieces, just his voice. He uploads regularly and is building up a subscriber base. It's a hobby, but he treats is like a job. Video quality has improved markedly, and he is very diligent.

Also not normal: Being on the way to paying for own college education while only halfway through HS.

Look, I get it. Technology has the potential to amplify both risks and rewards exponentially, and with developing brains, those amplified risks are not insignificant. So I am all for rules, restrictions, and scaffolding as they develop the savvy and maturity to use technology responsibly -- just the same as we teach them to cross the street. We don't say, Never cross streets, it's dangerous. But we teach them slowly and over time and the GOAL is independence. You get to independence by practicing early and often.

Meanwhile, I will bet good money that the kids of every single poster who has said, Kids that age don't need phone, have access to tv's. Which is a more useful tool?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get your kid a phone! Or other digital device that allows texting. They need to learn how to use it properly -- keeping phones away doesn't teach that. This is the world, it's so strange to me that people want their kids to learn 20th century communication skills but neglect 21st century training. Why should they be able to write essays at 11 but not text? This is basic social functioning in the world today.

And impose rules and structure and teach digital hygiene and all the rest, but please do not monitor everything. Have better things to do. Stop spying on your kid. Spot check, sure, but give them some privacy and focus on building trust and having actual conversations with your kid instead of "monitoring" them. Otherwise they will very quickly learn to evade - focus on teaching good judgment instead. Ask questions. Hard ones. But for the love of god stop reading every single text they send and receive, it's exhausting just hearing about it.

My kid has had a phone since mid-elementary school and rolls her eyes every time a friend gets a new phone because they send a million emojis and chain-mail -style texts and generally have no idea how to communicate properly. It usually takes a few months for kids to get the hang of it.

My other kid has also had a phone since the 5th grade. He's now in 11th and says the kids who are obsessively instagramming and always have their phones out and don't know how to have face-to-face conversations are inevitably the kids who are new to smartphones. They haven't developed their social skills co-extensively with their tech skills and they are the ones that make all the mistakes.

Also, I am so over having to contact parents to make plans. These are middle schoolers. They should be able to socialize more or less independently. If your kid cannot communicate independently, they will probably not hang out with my kid, because she is not going to call you to hang out, and neither am I, sorry!

ps for the love of god stop calling it a "playdate." It's infantilizing.

Your first couple of paragraphs are absolutely true for late high schoolers, but absolutely not true for early middle schoolers. You are (1) greatly underestimating the dangers of the internet and tech addiction and (2) justifying putting your kids in harms way. I am far from a helicopter parent, but the way to teach kids independence is by giving them responsibility in the real world, not online. You did a good job rationalizing your abdication of parental responsibility though. A for effort. F for actually helping your kids.

NP

And I think you’re grossly overestimating it.

I don’t agree that PP gets an F for helping her kids, but I do think you get an A for sanctimony. I hate to break it to you, but your way is not the only way, nor is it the absolute right way. If it’s right for you and your family, great. But it’s not necessarily great for others. Enough with this “I am the only parent here that’s doing it right” BS. It’s tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Hmmm..let's see where you kid is when he or she is 20. Being a star on Youtube is not something normal parents are wishing for their kids .

Haha no we are certainly outside the norm. Also outside the norm: A teen who is expert at video editing, viral marketing, et al. And no he is not a youtube star. He used to get about 5k views / video, now it's 10-50 times that, and his face or name has never appeared in any of his pieces, just his voice. He uploads regularly and is building up a subscriber base. It's a hobby, but he treats is like a job. Video quality has improved markedly, and he is very diligent.

Also not normal: Being on the way to paying for own college education while only halfway through HS.

Look, I get it. Technology has the potential to amplify both risks and rewards exponentially, and with developing brains, those amplified risks are not insignificant. So I am all for rules, restrictions, and scaffolding as they develop the savvy and maturity to use technology responsibly -- just the same as we teach them to cross the street. We don't say, Never cross streets, it's dangerous. But we teach them slowly and over time and the GOAL is independence. You get to independence by practicing early and often.

Meanwhile, I will bet good money that the kids of every single poster who has said, Kids that age don't need phone, have access to tv's. Which is a more useful tool?

There is a TON of value in this. And I agree with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please get your kid a phone! Or other digital device that allows texting. They need to learn how to use it properly -- keeping phones away doesn't teach that. This is the world, it's so strange to me that people want their kids to learn 20th century communication skills but neglect 21st century training. Why should they be able to write essays at 11 but not text? This is basic social functioning in the world today.

And impose rules and structure and teach digital hygiene and all the rest, but please do not monitor everything. Have better things to do. Stop spying on your kid. Spot check, sure, but give them some privacy and focus on building trust and having actual conversations with your kid instead of "monitoring" them. Otherwise they will very quickly learn to evade - focus on teaching good judgment instead. Ask questions. Hard ones. But for the love of god stop reading every single text they send and receive, it's exhausting just hearing about it.

My kid has had a phone since mid-elementary school and rolls her eyes every time a friend gets a new phone because they send a million emojis and chain-mail -style texts and generally have no idea how to communicate properly. It usually takes a few months for kids to get the hang of it.

My other kid has also had a phone since the 5th grade. He's now in 11th and says the kids who are obsessively instagramming and always have their phones out and don't know how to have face-to-face conversations are inevitably the kids who are new to smartphones. They haven't developed their social skills co-extensively with their tech skills and they are the ones that make all the mistakes.

Also, I am so over having to contact parents to make plans. These are middle schoolers. They should be able to socialize more or less independently. If your kid cannot communicate independently, they will probably not hang out with my kid, because she is not going to call you to hang out, and neither am I, sorry!

ps for the love of god stop calling it a "playdate." It's infantilizing.

My son’s friend got a phone in 2nd grade, brought it to my son’s b-day party and spent the last 30 minutes of the party sitting by himself playing games on the phone while everyone else ran around having fun. Daughter’s friend in 5th grade brings her phone to sleepovers and the other girls complain that she spends the whole night looking at it. So congrats to you parents whose kids have advanced texting skills by the age of 10, but I’m sorry to tell you their real life social skills suck.

[Anonymous]

I was a definite no on the cell phone until last spring when my 5th grader was lost for several hours due to the school switching the bus assignments. The next morning after giving the school an earful I was at the cell phone store when they opened and got her a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please get your kid a phone! Or other digital device that allows texting. They need to learn how to use it properly -- keeping phones away doesn't teach that. This is the world, it's so strange to me that people want their kids to learn 20th century communication skills but neglect 21st century training. Why should they be able to write essays at 11 but not text? This is basic social functioning in the world today.

And impose rules and structure and teach digital hygiene and all the rest, but please do not monitor everything. Have better things to do. Stop spying on your kid. Spot check, sure, but give them some privacy and focus on building trust and having actual conversations with your kid instead of "monitoring" them. Otherwise they will very quickly learn to evade - focus on teaching good judgment instead. Ask questions. Hard ones. But for the love of god stop reading every single text they send and receive, it's exhausting just hearing about it.

My kid has had a phone since mid-elementary school and rolls her eyes every time a friend gets a new phone because they send a million emojis and chain-mail -style texts and generally have no idea how to communicate properly. It usually takes a few months for kids to get the hang of it.

My other kid has also had a phone since the 5th grade. He's now in 11th and says the kids who are obsessively instagramming and always have their phones out and don't know how to have face-to-face conversations are inevitably the kids who are new to smartphones. They haven't developed their social skills co-extensively with their tech skills and they are the ones that make all the mistakes.

Also, I am so over having to contact parents to make plans. These are middle schoolers. They should be able to socialize more or less independently. If your kid cannot communicate independently, they will probably not hang out with my kid, because she is not going to call you to hang out, and neither am I, sorry!

ps for the love of god stop calling it a "playdate." It's infantilizing.

Your first couple of paragraphs are absolutely true for late high schoolers, but absolutely not true for early middle schoolers. You are (1) greatly underestimating the dangers of the internet and tech addiction and (2) justifying putting your kids in harms way. I am far from a helicopter parent, but the way to teach kids independence is by giving them responsibility in the real world, not online. You did a good job rationalizing your abdication of parental responsibility though. A for effort. F for actually helping your kids.

NP

And I think you’re grossly overestimating it.

I don’t agree that PP gets an F for helping her kids, but I do think you get an A for sanctimony. I hate to break it to you, but your way is not the only way, nor is it the absolute right way. If it’s right for you and your family, great. But it’s not necessarily great for others. Enough with this “I am the only parent here that’s doing it right” BS. It’s tiring.

+1

The idea that "good parents" don't give their children phones until a certain (arbitrary) age is silly. Of course there is more than one way to do this, like anything else. So much is going to depend on family dynamics, kids' personalities, individual maturity.

I *wish* my 11 year old were mature enough for a phone. But he is really impulsive and spacey and it would not be a good idea for him yet. On the other hand I see some girls his age who remind me of me at 16. They are smart and responsible and I have no trouble seeing how they are much more ready than my son.

I mean heck I know some adults who have no business texting and should probably be banned from the internet for life!

[Anonymous]

By 9th grade, all of modern social life is on the phone. I'll ask my HS DD if she wants to meet her friends at the mall. Round 'em up, I'll drop you off for a few hours. She'll say, "Why?" She's been talking all morning with her friends by text, so she's all caught up on their latest.

Plus, getting her friends' parents to agree to allow their 15 and 16-year-olds to spend the afternoon together walking around the mall would require three days and five committees to discuss, and in the end it wouldn't happen, anyway. It's just a waste of time trying to get parents to agree to it.

So it's a combo of tech use AND helicopter parenting not giving teens any space to do the things that their parents so freely did as teens. Their phones are their social life lines. That's just the way it is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes they all have phones and it’s terrible parenting. It sucks.

+1. Get a dumb phone if you think it's absolutely necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By 9th grade, all of modern social life is on the phone. I'll ask my HS DD if she wants to meet her friends at the mall. Round 'em up, I'll drop you off for a few hours. She'll say, "Why?" She's been talking all morning with her friends by text, so she's all caught up on their latest.

Plus, getting her friends' parents to agree to allow their 15 and 16-year-olds to spend the afternoon together walking around the mall would require three days and five committees to discuss, and in the end it wouldn't happen, anyway. It's just a waste of time trying to get parents to agree to it.

So it's a combo of tech use AND helicopter parenting not giving teens any space to do the things that their parents so freely did as teens. Their phones are their social life lines. That's just the way it is now.

Two ridiculous statements.

[Anonymous]

They don’t need bikes, or Netflix, or video games either. But many kids their age enjoy these things. What a dumb argument.

This is such a dumb statement I don’t know where to begin. Some things are better and healthier than others. Biking is better than Netflix which is better than video games which might be better than cell phones for 11 and 12 yo’s. Depends on the game and the kid.

I am not sanctimonious about much, but yes, I am about cell phones. My brother works in cyber crime and has for years. Can a middle schooler have a cell phone with no ill effects? Some can, maybe. Do they need one? Hell, no. The idea, espoused by a few in this thread, that it is a social or educational necessity gets me on my high horse. It is NOT. The longer you wait, the better it is for your children and for all children. It’s lazy and intellectually dishonest to pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

By 9th grade, all of modern social life is on the phone. I'll ask my HS DD if she wants to meet her friends at the mall. Round 'em up, I'll drop you off for a few hours. She'll say, "Why?" She's been talking all morning with her friends by text, so she's all caught up on their latest.

This is exactly why they shouldn’t have phones! Can’t you see that? When a child regularly prefers a screen over human interaction, she has a problem. Your daughter needs better friends, less screen time, and for you to be more thoughtful about her long term development.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a definite no on the cell phone until last spring when my 5th grader was lost for several hours due to the school switching the bus assignments. The next morning after giving the school an earful I was at the cell phone store when they opened and got her a phone.

A smartphone isn't the only option for this though. We used the Verizon gizmo. Child can make phone calls and texts to/from designated people. Watch can be tracked on a map. But no internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a definite no on the cell phone until last spring when my 5th grader was lost for several hours due to the school switching the bus assignments. The next morning after giving the school an earful I was at the cell phone store when they opened and got her a phone.

A smartphone isn't the only option for this though. We used the Verizon gizmo. Child can make phone calls and texts to/from designated people. Watch can be tracked on a map. But no internet.

+1.