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[quote=Anonymous]No matter your choice, you’ll be considered an idiot by many, as evidenced by this thread. So focus on yourself, where your boundaries are and what your family needs.

I’ve got a 14yo who had a phone at the start of 5th grade, which was the entry year for his upper school (we moved from Moco to outside of the USA that summer). He also has a bad case of ADHD and social anxiety, so I understand some of your hesitation.

Back then, we used it to track him going/coming from school, and he could use google maps & translation if he needed help (didn’t speak a word of the local language when we arrived). None of his old friends in DC had a phone or even their own email, but local kids abroad all had phones and used WhatsApp to organize themselves. I also made him communicate directly with teachers to clarify assignments etc. But I told him he’d have to wait until 14 for social media accounts.

Re. keeping track of an expensive phone, we got an iPhone so that it could be tracked more easily. I used Tile chips on his other things, so it made both the phone and his other school gear more findable. In four years, he’s lost (& found!) it three times: once on the school bus (driver found it & gave it back), once on a flight to Marrakech (found and turned into airport security), and once in an Uber (called the driver & got it back).  But he’s also been on a host of other trips, outings and commutes where he hasn’t lost it, so for an ADHD kid, his track record is not that bad.

Re. distraction, honestly, I find the computer a lot more distracting for him, but it’s mandatory at his school. The phone has limited data, so he can’t download movies or watch endless YouTube. The school limits WiFi connection to computer only.

Looking back, I found that it was a lot easier to monitor his virtual interactions when he was young. At 11, he didn’t really care about privacy, so I let him know I’d be reviewing his web searches and any messaging, and I did - frequently at first and less so as time went on. It made for important conversation points about timeliness and how to respond appropriately - especially when someone is trying to wind you up. Writing coherent emails or texts is something he definitely wasn’t born knowing how to do. Like anything, it takes practice, and I’m glad to have been there to help.

Now that he’s 14, the struggles are (understandably) over privacy. If he were starting his ‘virtual identity’ now, there is no chance he would want me sifting through his messages. Oddly, he has not wanted social media even though he’s reached my age requirement - if anything, he’s really against it because he’s mad about FB abuse of user data and doesn’t trust Insta to not do the same. I know he’s not angelic wrt his texts, but I’m happy with his anti-social media stance. I still make him show me any communication with an adult before he sends it.

Did this ease his social interaction? Well, he’s still not a crazy popular, confident boy, and can still have times of painful shyness. Some of that has disappeared with age and some via very specific things we’ve done to challenge him in real life. With the WhatsApp groups, being able to follow a conversation in chat form was helpful to him because it gave a bit of extra time to process and respond appropriately in a way that doesn’t exist when you’re face to face or trying to be heard in a crowd. There are groups that he hasn’t been invited to be part of, and he’s ok with that - such ‘sifting’ helped him realize who his better friends are. Being part of the groups that he is part of has definitely opened up social opportunities that he would have been left out of otherwise.[/quote]

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