Mother has decided to “retire” at 58

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

That is not "how parents raise children here." That is neglect. Not mild neglect; neglect. And it is specific to your DH, not common among American families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my mother too. She was a quasi-successful professional when I was a kid. Corporate law and then in house. Far from a superstar, but had a job that paid well and specific bankable expertise.

When I got to HSish age, she started her own practice — I still don’t know if she got forced out or just didn’t like the grind/had plenty of money from child support (I think the latter). She did OK and had plenty of child support and savings and owned our home, so not negative cash flow at least.

When I was just post-college, she decided to switch careers entirely and go back to school. One possible career path of new degree was related to law (how she justified it), while another wasn’t at all (what I think her real plan was). She spent a fair amount to go back for this new multi year degree, graduated with honors from a pretty good school... but was ultimately a 60 year old in school/competition for jobs with 20 and 30 somethings. She applied for some dream jobs afterwards but didn’t actually apply for the kind of job she had an actual chance of getting. Just never bothered. So essentially retired... but even worse than OP, retire after spend $100K on a totally unnecessary degree.

Anyway, I doubt OP is a troll and I think she’s right to be concerned.

Now she complains about money all the time and is burning through her savings. DH and I do pretty well, but are Feds with multiple kids, expensive child care and a large mortgage .. no way we can cover her bizarro decisions. At least she finally reached social security age. It was all so badly thought out though... and, on top of everything else, I think she’s no
w bored and bitter. Not that she offers childcare help to us.

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

I don't think she owes it to us. At all. (We don't even live in the same city, so I would definitely not be talking about anything ongoing/regular.) But I think she is totally bored and has nothing to do... and still doesn't offer to come visit (comes maybe 3-4x/year; it's a 2 hour drive and she's in perfectly good health) or help with the kids. She does have many (many!) opinions about how we should raise our kids though. Anyway, it was just an aside. As for the rest of your assumptions... my dad actually visits and watches our kids at least occasionally (despite having a job). And my in laws are great!

Np I get it. My parents live nearby and are “so bored”. And they equally are upset that their grandkids are in daycare and they don’t see them enough. I suggest they take the kids out on half days and to playgrounds or shopping and they are so offended. How dare I suggest they provide childcare??? But on my precious weekends they’re upset they can’t take the kids by themselves. Why?!? I only get weekends. They could see the kids any time

Im the pp you responded to. I can only respond to information you provide. Ie my mom is bored but doesnt want to babysit my kids. Perhaps she is bored but, obviously doesnt want to provide child care. Im assuming she did this for you and your father did not? Perhaps that is why it is novel to him?You can be bored and find taking care of children also boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my dad retired at 62 after 37 years with the Feds and had a beautiful retirement—tons of time with grandkids, LOTS of travel, socializing, before he died from cancer at 76. I am so glad he had a happy retirement.

Unfortunately, people born my age need to reach 67 before full retirement even though life expectancy is not increasing. In fact, now it is starting to stagnate, to downturn with more cancer deaths early on.

I plan to also be out the door by 62 which will also be 37 years for me. MORE THAN ENOUGH!! 37 years of 9-5pm is enough for anyone.

I will have 30 years w/ Feds at 55. I will try to hold on as long as I can--but anything past that age I also agree is too much. Time to switch gears.

will you retire at 55? or pivot to a new job? have a number of friends who've done latter.

Not that pp, but at 55 they've done the time and just knowing that they could retire right then, right there or even take a less stressful job is nice. They also have the option of staying in the position that they busted their tail to get into. Choices are nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

That is not "how parents raise children here." That is neglect. Not mild neglect; neglect. And it is specific to your DH, not common among American families.

I think in PP's husband's case it was definitely neglect, but a lot of my friends were similarly shoved out the door at 18 and left to fend for themselves while they struggled. I don't see how those parents can do that and then expect help from the same children in their golden years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ my dad retired at 62 after 37 years with the Feds and had a beautiful retirement—tons of time with grandkids, LOTS of travel, socializing, before he died from cancer at 76. I am so glad he had a happy retirement.

Unfortunately, people born my age need to reach 67 before full retirement even though life expectancy is not increasing. In fact, now it is starting to stagnate, to downturn with more cancer deaths early on.

I plan to also be out the door by 62 which will also be 37 years for me. MORE THAN ENOUGH!! 37 years of 9-5pm is enough for anyone.

I will have 30 years w/ Feds at 55. I will try to hold on as long as I can--but anything past that age I also agree is too much. Time to switch gears.

will you retire at 55? or pivot to a new job? have a number of friends who've done latter.

Not that pp, but at 55 they've done the time and just knowing that they could retire right then, right there or even take a less stressful job is nice. They also have the option of staying in the position that they busted their tail to get into. Choices are nice.

agree. not sure it makes sense, however, if the financials don't line up. My parents were a "burden" for about 6 years, but it was fine. They had not earned a lot of money, but they worked hard and lived modestly. i assumed most of the financial responsibility as DH and I have a much greater HHI than my other siblings. Think this might be hard if DH and I were not as well off, but I am grateful that I was able to be of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

That is not "how parents raise children here." That is neglect. Not mild neglect; neglect. And it is specific to your DH, not common among American families.

I think in PP's husband's case it was definitely neglect, but a lot of my friends were similarly shoved out the door at 18 and left to fend for themselves while they struggled. I don't see how those parents can do that and then expect help from the same children in their golden years.

DP here. I don’t know anyone who got shoved out of the house at 18. And when I’ve read about people who were shoved out, there inevitably was lots of neglect and a poorly functioning family unit to begin with. This is in no way typical or common in the US.

[Anonymous]

OP your mother didn’t retire. She just stopped working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds a lot like my FIL. Burned bridges, left a stable job in a huff. Was just stubborn in his old age and didn’t think he should have to listen to anyone. Now runs his own business and barely covers his lavish lifestyle (think McMansion and Lexus). Engages in a lot of magical thinking about the future. Not sure if it’s being a boomer or just being a certain age or what but it stresses me the hell out.

Why are you stressed out about your father-in-law?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m making this all about me, but I’m worried.

When I was a kid, my mother was a successful professional. Somewhere around the time she was 45, things seemed to falter (I understand she may have burned many bridges). She last held a professional position about five years ago, and has since been intermittently underemployed. She’s decided t cash it on what she was able to invest for retirement, and I’m not sure how this is going to work. (It doesn’t sound like much.)

She lives with her partner, who’s a fed. They’re not married, but they do own a house together. I’m afraid that if that relationship goes south, she’ll be destitute, and I’ll be responsible for her upkeep. She’s in good health and is totally capable. Is there anything I can say or do to have her reconsider? Even some consulting work for the next ten years would be preferable to her deciding not to work anymore.

Thoughts?

SHE is following a time honored tradition of women on DCUM. Trading her vagina for rent.

Oh and I am sure she loves him so much!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Counting the days!!!

Good for your Mom. I’m 49.5 and started my career at 22, going to grad school nights. That is 27 years so far and damn does it become pure drudgery as you approach h the 14-30 year+ mark. The thought that I would need to work until 67 to receive full retirement benefits is gut wrenching. I don’t plan to go more than 37 years. 62 tops. More people I know are dying of cancer in their 50s/60s without time to ever have a true retirement.

will you draw down social security right away or hold off? are you married? own? have children? if so, ages?

Married (spouse makes a lot more). 2 kids (early teens). I would not draw SS right away.

I will most likely retire early, not wait until 67.

[Anonymous]

Am 60 now and was considering requiring before 62 (no pension, but have substantial savings/net worth) but of course now the economy is going to tank with this imbecile of a president doing everything to accelerate the downturn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother didn’t retire. She just stopped working.

Define "retired". If she waited 4 more years and stopped working at 62 would that officially count as being retired or would she have to work until she was 67 to officially retire?

As far as I'm concerned you are officially retired when you stop working and begin drawing on your retirement accounts.

In contrast, I quit working at the age of 34 to be a SAHM. I have not touched the 401K money nor the pension that I earned before I quit. I am also not collecting any social security or disability income. I am 53 now and am considering returning to work at an age when lots of people, like Op's mom, are starting to think about retirement.

I would mainly be using my paycheck to pay for a housekeeper and yard work. The rest would go into savings to use later once I officially am retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

Agree. This is bizarre. DH and I are 52. We have two grandkids that we absolutely adore. But I have no desire to provide child care. I’m a Grammy, not a child care provider. I love taking care of them when they visit. And I’m always happy to have them when the kids need a date night. But I raised my kids. I’m not interested in raising my grandkids. Thankfully, my DIL stays at home.

What??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother didn’t retire. She just stopped working.

Define "retired". If she waited 4 more years and stopped working at 62 would that officially count as being retired or would she have to work until she was 67 to officially retire?

As far as I'm concerned you are officially retired when you stop working and begin drawing on your retirement accounts.

In contrast, I quit working at the age of 34 to be a SAHM. I have not touched the 401K money nor the pension that I earned before I quit. I am also not collecting any social security or disability income. I am 53 now and am considering returning to work at an age when lots of people, like Op's mom, are starting to think about retirement.

I would mainly be using my paycheck to pay for a housekeeper and yard work. The rest would go into savings to use later once I officially am retired.

Technically, if you were a SAHM you were doing the work of taking care of your children, so I wouldn’t say you had quit working. You were no longer getting a paycheck, but you were definitely engaged in doing work that needed to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your mother didn’t retire. She just stopped working.

Define "retired". If she waited 4 more years and stopped working at 62 would that officially count as being retired or would she have to work until she was 67 to officially retire?

As far as I'm concerned you are officially retired when you stop working and begin drawing on your retirement accounts.

In contrast, I quit working at the age of 34 to be a SAHM. I have not touched the 401K money nor the pension that I earned before I quit. I am also not collecting any social security or disability income. I am 53 now and am considering returning to work at an age when lots of people, like Op's mom, are starting to think about retirement.

I would mainly be using my paycheck to pay for a housekeeper and yard work. The rest would go into savings to use later once I officially am retired.

???