Mother has decided to “retire” at 58

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom retired about that age. She has fed health insurance though. She has maybe $2m now at 72. She says if I spend it all, then you’ll take care of me. I tell her, no, you’ll just live (poorly) on what you bring in each month.

Horrible daughter.

Agree, cold-hearted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom retired about that age. She has fed health insurance though. She has maybe $2m now at 72. She says if I spend it all, then you’ll take care of me. I tell her, no, you’ll just live (poorly) on what you bring in each month.

Horrible daughter.

Agree, cold-hearted.

Ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my mother too. She was a quasi-successful professional when I was a kid. Corporate law and then in house. Far from a superstar, but had a job that paid well and specific bankable expertise.

When I got to HSish age, she started her own practice — I still don’t know if she got forced out or just didn’t like the grind/had plenty of money from child support (I think the latter). She did OK and had plenty of child support and savings and owned our home, so not negative cash flow at least.

When I was just post-college, she decided to switch careers entirely and go back to school. One possible career path of new degree was related to law (how she justified it), while another wasn’t at all (what I think her real plan was). She spent a fair amount to go back for this new multi year degree, graduated with honors from a pretty good school... but was ultimately a 60 year old in school/competition for jobs with 20 and 30 somethings. She applied for some dream jobs afterwards but didn’t actually apply for the kind of job she had an actual chance of getting. Just never bothered. So essentially retired... but even worse than OP, retire after spend $100K on a totally unnecessary degree.

Anyway, I doubt OP is a troll and I think she’s right to be concerned.

Now she complains about money all the time and is burning through her savings. DH and I do pretty well, but are Feds with multiple kids, expensive child care and a large mortgage .. no way we can cover her bizarro decisions. At least she finally reached social security age. It was all so badly thought out though... and, on top of everything else, I think she’s now bored and bitter. Not that she offers childcare help to us.

You're the one who sounds bitter. She had every right to follow her dream, spend her own money and kudos to her for doing it.

[Anonymous]

American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

[Anonymous]

Could be she doesn't have much money because she's just shy of being able to withdraw from 401K without a penalty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that my mom did this too--low level fed job that she left because she just didn't feel like working anymore. She had no money and no partner either. She told my sister that we siblings were her retirement plan. As if. In my mom's case once she stopped working she had no idea how to spend her time. Her way of getting out of the house was to go shopping and buy all kinds of crap she didn't need. When we moved her out of her house there was just so much cheap crap new with tags that she tossed in closets still in the original shopping bags. She did take a few trips but otherwise had no idea how to manage without a schedule. What about your mom OP? If she's not working she will be spending more money either for travel or self-improvement projects. You can't do anything though. It's been 15 years and my mom is out of money in a nursing home on Medicaid. I talked til I was blue in the face and it didn't make one bit of difference.

If your mom is in a nursing home that would indicate that she has some rather significant health issues?

Now she does. At the time she made her retirement decision she did not. In my mom's case she and my dad divorced late in life and she had never lived alone. She made some stupid medical decisions that put her where she is. I'm not sure if this was part of a gradual cognitive decline or if she was just not that bright (I'm from a blue collar background and my parents only finished high school).

[Anonymous]

The OP doesn't know WHAT her financial situation is. She's not even willing to ask.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you wish her well and mention that, as her child but no longer defendant, if there is anything her financial advisor wants you to be aware of now vs. later then to please let you know but otherwise you’ll just back off and let her manage things as usual. It might open up a conversation that gives you more insight but it at least points out to her that you assume she has a trained person looking at her finances and might prod her into doing so if she really doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that my mom did this too--low level fed job that she left because she just didn't feel like working anymore. She had no money and no partner either. She told my sister that we siblings were her retirement plan. As if. In my mom's case once she stopped working she had no idea how to spend her time. Her way of getting out of the house was to go shopping and buy all kinds of crap she didn't need. When we moved her out of her house there was just so much cheap crap new with tags that she tossed in closets still in the original shopping bags. She did take a few trips but otherwise had no idea how to manage without a schedule. What about your mom OP? If she's not working she will be spending more money either for travel or self-improvement projects. You can't do anything though. It's been 15 years and my mom is out of money in a nursing home on Medicaid. I talked til I was blue in the face and it didn't make one bit of difference.

If your mom is in a nursing home that would indicate that she has some rather significant health issues?

Now she does. At the time she made her retirement decision she did not. In my mom's case she and my dad divorced late in life and she had never lived alone. She made some stupid medical decisions that put her where she is. I'm not sure if this was part of a gradual cognitive decline or if she was just not that bright (I'm from a blue collar background and my parents only finished high school).

How old is she now? If her health is lousy she probably isn't going out and spending money, traveling, etc. She's stuck in a nursing home. Maybe it's just as well that she had 15 years of retirement before her health went downhill like that. No matter how fabulous your medical decisions are, old age takes it's toll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

Agree. This is bizarre. DH and I are 52. We have two grandkids that we absolutely adore. But I have no desire to provide child care. I’m a Grammy, not a child care provider. I love taking care of them when they visit. And I’m always happy to have them when the kids need a date night. But I raised my kids. I’m not interested in raising my grandkids. Thankfully, my DIL stays at home.

Give it a rest. The point as I took it was that her mother squandered her own retirement and sits on her ass now. But, will no doubt be looking for help from her daughter when the time comes. And will, like many boomers, see no issue with doing so despite not being interested in helping out with other family situations when needed.

And frankly, your viewing your relationship with your grandchildren as "not a child care provider" is just sad. Thankfully my wonderful grandparents didn't take that view and had a big hand in raising their grandchildren. Picking us up from school. Taking us in the summer for long stretches, taking us overnight. That's what family does - help out in both directions. Hope you're not looking for elder care when you need it.

[Anonymous]

She needs to marry that f-ker. It will solve ALL problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

I think you're partially right. But, my parents were raised better. They had a very involved set of grandparents on both sides, as well as aunts and uncles. But, now they seem to not pay that forward at all because they "raised their kids." Well, they are partially right. But, they scored touchdowns with family help that gave them a start on the 50 yard line and they act like they did it themselves. They didn't- in labor or financially. I have see this trend in many, many -though not all, for sure- boomer parents. They view it as "Freedom" from their kids and kid rearing, which tells you what they thought of having kids even with the help.

My parents will be on their own in their elder years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to marry that f-ker. It will solve ALL problems.

Yup. As much as DCUM likes to deny it, a man quite often IS then plan, and it works quite well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

Agree. This is bizarre. DH and I are 52. We have two grandkids that we absolutely adore. But I have no desire to provide child care. I’m a Grammy, not a child care provider. I love taking care of them when they visit. And I’m always happy to have them when the kids need a date night. But I raised my kids. I’m not interested in raising my grandkids. Thankfully, my DIL stays at home.

Give it a rest. The point as I took it was that her mother squandered her own retirement and sits on her ass now. But, will no doubt be looking for help from her daughter when the time comes. And will, like many boomers, see no issue with doing so despite not being interested in helping out with other family situations when needed.

And frankly, your viewing your relationship with your grandchildren as "not a child care provider" is just sad. Thankfully my wonderful grandparents didn't take that view and had a big hand in raising their grandchildren. Picking us up from school. Taking us in the summer for long stretches, taking us overnight. That's what family does - help out in both directions. Hope you're not looking for elder care when you need it.

Then spend your middle age torn between supervising your own children and providing hands on heavy duty eldercare....cause, ya know, that's what FAMILY does.

As for me, I think that nursing homes, assisted living are better equipped to deal with aging people. Family visits, calls, stays in touch.