Mother has decided to “retire” at 58

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

There was something very wrong with your husband’s parents. These people sound self centered to an extreme. What you describe here is not normal or typical of US households at all. I am sorry for your husband’s experience with his extremely neglectful parents, but please do not think that this behavior is at all common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

I think you're partially right. But, my parents were raised better. They had a very involved set of grandparents on both sides, as well as aunts and uncles. But, now they seem to not pay that forward at all because they "raised their kids." Well, they are partially right. But, they scored touchdowns with family help that gave them a start on the 50 yard line and they act like they did it themselves. They didn't- in labor or financially. I have see this trend in many, many -though not all, for sure- boomer parents. They view it as "Freedom" from their kids and kid rearing, which tells you what they thought of having kids even with the help.

My parents will be on their own in their elder years.

In other words, you will leave them
Alone because they will not provide free childcare. Ok we get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

There was something very wrong with your husband’s parents. These people sound self centered to an extreme. What you describe here is not normal or typical of US households at all. I am sorry for your husband’s experience with his extremely neglectful parents, but please do not think that this behavior is at all common.

Not PP, but a child of baby boomers, and I know a lot of people who had a similar experience growing up. I'm one of them. Now looking after my parents a few states away as I raise my Kindergartener. My golden boy older brother who got a lot of special treatment and money from them (as I floundered on my own) is now drinking himself to death just up the street from them can't be bothered to help or even go to their house to visit. (They're in their 60s).
Lucky me, it has fallen on my plate. I love them and I wouldn't abandon them, but boy I hope they remember how they treated me. I hope every time I hook them up with an amazing specialist they couldn't find on their own, or save them from some shady retirement investment scam, and every time my POS brother drives past their house and doesn't even wave, I hope they remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

There was something very wrong with your husband’s parents. These people sound self centered to an extreme. What you describe here is not normal or typical of US households at all. I am sorry for your husband’s experience with his extremely neglectful parents, but please do not think that this behavior is at all common.

Not PP, but a child of baby boomers, and I know a lot of people who had a similar experience growing up. I'm one of them. Now looking after my parents a few states away as I raise my Kindergartener. My golden boy older brother who got a lot of special treatment and money from them (as I floundered on my own) is now drinking himself to death just up the street from them can't be bothered to help or even go to their house to visit. (They're in their 60s).
Lucky me, it has fallen on my plate. I love them and I wouldn't abandon them, but boy I hope they remember how they treated me. I hope every time I hook them up with an amazing specialist they couldn't find on their own, or save them from some shady retirement investment scam, and every time my POS brother drives past their house and doesn't even wave, I hope they remember.

No, you need to tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is she doing for healthcare?

She’s on Medicare (Medicaid?).

Not at 58.

and if Medicaid not likely she has the amount of assets she needs for retiring

OP here. Confused, then - I thought she was enrolled in one of these programs.

If she’s on Medicaid, then she’s very poor. You could encourage her to marry her partner and get on their health insurance.

Part of why I’m concerned is because they’re not married, but my mother is convinced they’ll be together forever. (In addition to his federal job, he has full military retirement and benefits). For a woman who raised me to be financially independent, I don’t know why she now thinks the man is the plan.

Because the benefit of being in a stable relationship is that when one is down the other can balance you and vice versa. No one really has to do it all or go it alone in this world.

Right, and that works just fine from a romantic/emotional perspective, but there are laws to consider when you're talking about survivor benefits, how an estate and will would be handled, life insurance, etc., when you are NOT married. Not sure how common law marriages work in these cases, but I'd advise both of them, your mother and her partner, to get these things ironed out now so that there are no surprises if he passes away in ten years and she's expecting all of the same benefits and treatments as a legal spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my mother too. She was a quasi-successful professional when I was a kid. Corporate law and then in house. Far from a superstar, but had a job that paid well and specific bankable expertise.

When I got to HSish age, she started her own practice — I still don’t know if she got forced out or just didn’t like the grind/had plenty of money from child support (I think the latter). She did OK and had plenty of child support and savings and owned our home, so not negative cash flow at least.

When I was just post-college, she decided to switch careers entirely and go back to school. One possible career path of new degree was related to law (how she justified it), while another wasn’t at all (what I think her real plan was). She spent a fair amount to go back for this new multi year degree, graduated with honors from a pretty good school... but was ultimately a 60 year old in school/competition for jobs with 20 and 30 somethings. She applied for some dream jobs afterwards but didn’t actually apply for the kind of job she had an actual chance of getting. Just never bothered. So essentially retired... but even worse than OP, retire after spend $100K on a totally unnecessary degree.

Anyway, I doubt OP is a troll and I think she’s right to be concerned.

Now she complains about money all the time and is burning through her savings. DH and I do pretty well, but are Feds with multiple kids, expensive child care and a large mortgage .. no way we can cover her bizarro decisions. At least she finally reached social security age. It was all so badly thought out though... and, on top of everything else, I think she’s no
w bored and bitter. Not that she offers childcare help to us.

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

I don't think she owes it to us. At all. (We don't even live in the same city, so I would definitely not be talking about anything ongoing/regular.) But I think she is totally bored and has nothing to do... and still doesn't offer to come visit (comes maybe 3-4x/year; it's a 2 hour drive and she's in perfectly good health) or help with the kids. She does have many (many!) opinions about how we should raise our kids though. Anyway, it was just an aside. As for the rest of your assumptions... my dad actually visits and watches our kids at least occasionally (despite having a job). And my in laws are great!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

Agree. This is bizarre. DH and I are 52. We have two grandkids that we absolutely adore. But I have no desire to provide child care. I’m a Grammy, not a child care provider. I love taking care of them when they visit. And I’m always happy to have them when the kids need a date night. But I raised my kids. I’m not interested in raising my grandkids. Thankfully, my DIL stays at home.

I don't know why I feel compelled to respond to this, but I was in no way suggesting that my mother provide on going child care. You provide date nights? My mother has never once offered that EVER. So you win. I wouldn't complain about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

There was something very wrong with your husband’s parents. These people sound self centered to an extreme. What you describe here is not normal or typical of US households at all. I am sorry for your husband’s experience with his extremely neglectful parents, but please do not think that this behavior is at all common.

Not PP, but a child of baby boomers, and I know a lot of people who had a similar experience growing up. I'm one of them. Now looking after my parents a few states away as I raise my Kindergartener. My golden boy older brother who got a lot of special treatment and money from them (as I floundered on my own) is now drinking himself to death just up the street from them can't be bothered to help or even go to their house to visit. (They're in their 60s).
Lucky me, it has fallen on my plate. I love them and I wouldn't abandon them, but boy I hope they remember how they treated me. I hope every time I hook them up with an amazing specialist they couldn't find on their own, or save them from some shady retirement investment scam, and every time my POS brother drives past their house and doesn't even wave, I hope they remember.

I'm in my mid 50's and it just floors me that you think that you have to take care of your 60 year old parents. They seem so young to be needing that kind of assistance already. I've got parents in their 80's who are doing alright for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

I think you're partially right. But, my parents were raised better. They had a very involved set of grandparents on both sides, as well as aunts and uncles. But, now they seem to not pay that forward at all because they "raised their kids." Well, they are partially right. But, they scored touchdowns with family help that gave them a start on the 50 yard line and they act like they did it themselves. They didn't- in labor or financially. I have see this trend in many, many -though not all, for sure- boomer parents. They view it as "Freedom" from their kids and kid rearing, which tells you what they thought of having kids even with the help.

My parents will be on their own in their elder years.

In other words, you will leave them
Alone because they will not provide free childcare. Ok we get it.

Way to manipulate. Free childcare? How about calling it essential family love and support. Not providing that if you can means you are self centered and narcissistic and yes - your family has every right to be disappointed in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my mother too. She was a quasi-successful professional when I was a kid. Corporate law and then in house. Far from a superstar, but had a job that paid well and specific bankable expertise.

When I got to HSish age, she started her own practice — I still don’t know if she got forced out or just didn’t like the grind/had plenty of money from child support (I think the latter). She did OK and had plenty of child support and savings and owned our home, so not negative cash flow at least.

When I was just post-college, she decided to switch careers entirely and go back to school. One possible career path of new degree was related to law (how she justified it), while another wasn’t at all (what I think her real plan was). She spent a fair amount to go back for this new multi year degree, graduated with honors from a pretty good school... but was ultimately a 60 year old in school/competition for jobs with 20 and 30 somethings. She applied for some dream jobs afterwards but didn’t actually apply for the kind of job she had an actual chance of getting. Just never bothered. So essentially retired... but even worse than OP, retire after spend $100K on a totally unnecessary degree.

Anyway, I doubt OP is a troll and I think she’s right to be concerned.

Now she complains about money all the time and is burning through her savings. DH and I do pretty well, but are Feds with multiple kids, expensive child care and a large mortgage .. no way we can cover her bizarro decisions. At least she finally reached social security age. It was all so badly thought out though... and, on top of everything else, I think she’s no
w bored and bitter. Not that she offers childcare help to us.

Dp. Why do you think your mother owes you childcare? They are your kids yo raise and it doesn't sound very appealing after raising your own kids. Would you ever think of asking or asuming a man would want to raise your kids? Assuming your swap genders in your story. It says a lot about how little you value your mom's time.

I don't think she owes it to us. At all. (We don't even live in the same city, so I would definitely not be talking about anything ongoing/regular.) But I think she is totally bored and has nothing to do... and still doesn't offer to come visit (comes maybe 3-4x/year; it's a 2 hour drive and she's in perfectly good health) or help with the kids. She does have many (many!) opinions about how we should raise our kids though. Anyway, it was just an aside. As for the rest of your assumptions... my dad actually visits and watches our kids at least occasionally (despite having a job). And my in laws are great!

It’s weird in the US now - it’s like you have to rent out a decent family as the one you’ve got more often than not lacks values.
Honestly - anyone see a business angle here?

Remember when Michelle Obama’s mom moved into the White House to help out the family? Now that’s a great family. Having supportive extended family around is a great thing and I plan to do that for my kids.
Honestly I’m
Not sure my kids would even have kids if I didn’t offer, so I’ve already talked about it even though that’s probably years away.

My own mother is 100% a self centered loser who only comes around if something is about her. I don’t want to be that lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my mother too. She was a quasi-successful professional when I was a kid. Corporate law and then in house. Far from a superstar, but had a job that paid well and specific bankable expertise.

When I got to HSish age, she started her own practice — I still don’t know if she got forced out or just didn’t like the grind/had plenty of money from child support (I think the latter). She did OK and had plenty of child support and savings and owned our home, so not negative cash flow at least.

When I was just post-college, she decided to switch careers entirely and go back to school. One possible career path of new degree was related to law (how she justified it), while another wasn’t at all (what I think her real plan was). She spent a fair amount to go back for this new multi year degree, graduated with honors from a pretty good school... but was ultimately a 60 year old in school/competition for jobs with 20 and 30 somethings. She applied for some dream jobs afterwards but didn’t actually apply for the kind of job she had an actual chance of getting. Just never bothered. So essentially retired... but even worse than OP, retire after spend $100K on a totally unnecessary degree.

Anyway, I doubt OP is a troll and I think she’s right to be concerned.

Now she complains about money all the time and is burning through her savings. DH and I do pretty well, but are Feds with multiple kids, expensive child care and a large mortgage .. no way we can cover her bizarro decisions. At least she finally reached social security age. It was all so badly thought out though... and, on top of everything else, I think she’s now bored and bitter. Not that she offers childcare help to us.

You're the one who sounds bitter. She had every right to follow her dream, spend her own money and kudos to her for doing it.

How so? She has left herself in an incredibly vulnerable position money-wise, which she is aware of and complains all the time about. She can't take the kinds of vacations she wants to and doesn't have money to spend on her relatively expensive hobbies. I think she made some very bad life choices and, while I wish I was in a position to give her money, I'm not. I think OP is right to be concerned and if I had been a little older when she'd started down her path, I would have known/been more inclined to weigh in. I didn't and wasn't and a regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, this is my mother too. She was a quasi-successful professional when I was a kid. Corporate law and then in house. Far from a superstar, but had a job that paid well and specific bankable expertise.

When I got to HSish age, she started her own practice — I still don’t know if she got forced out or just didn’t like the grind/had plenty of money from child support (I think the latter). She did OK and had plenty of child support and savings and owned our home, so not negative cash flow at least.

When I was just post-college, she decided to switch careers entirely and go back to school. One possible career path of new degree was related to law (how she justified it), while another wasn’t at all (what I think her real plan was). She spent a fair amount to go back for this new multi year degree, graduated with honors from a pretty good school... but was ultimately a 60 year old in school/competition for jobs with 20 and 30 somethings. She applied for some dream jobs afterwards but didn’t actually apply for the kind of job she had an actual chance of getting. Just never bothered. So essentially retired... but even worse than OP, retire after spend $100K on a totally unnecessary degree.

Anyway, I doubt OP is a troll and I think she’s right to be concerned.

Now she complains about money all the time and is burning through her savings. DH and I do pretty well, but are Feds with multiple kids, expensive child care and a large mortgage .. no way we can cover her bizarro decisions. At least she finally reached social security age. It was all so badly thought out though... and, on top of everything else, I think she’s now bored and bitter. Not that she offers childcare help to us.

You're the one who sounds bitter. She had every right to follow her dream, spend her own money and kudos to her for doing it.

How so? She has left herself in an incredibly vulnerable position money-wise, which she is aware of and complains all the time about. She can't take the kinds of vacations she wants to and doesn't have money to spend on her relatively expensive hobbies. I think she made some very bad life choices and, while I wish I was in a position to give her money, I'm not. I think OP is right to be concerned and if I had been a little older when she'd started down her path, I would have known/been more inclined to weigh in. I didn't and wasn't and a regret it.

I don't know what you could have said to her. She's the one that chose that path. At the time she must have considered it worth doing. Not being able to travel extensively or afford expensive hobbies is hardly the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

There was something very wrong with your husband’s parents. These people sound self centered to an extreme. What you describe here is not normal or typical of US households at all. I am sorry for your husband’s experience with his extremely neglectful parents, but please do not think that this behavior is at all common.

Not PP, but a child of baby boomers, and I know a lot of people who had a similar experience growing up. I'm one of them. Now looking after my parents a few states away as I raise my Kindergartener. My golden boy older brother who got a lot of special treatment and money from them (as I floundered on my own) is now drinking himself to death just up the street from them can't be bothered to help or even go to their house to visit. (They're in their 60s).
Lucky me, it has fallen on my plate. I love them and I wouldn't abandon them, but boy I hope they remember how they treated me. I hope every time I hook them up with an amazing specialist they couldn't find on their own, or save them from some shady retirement investment scam, and every time my POS brother drives past their house and doesn't even wave, I hope they remember.

I don’t know anyone who had an experience like this growing up. I grew up in the northeast, so maybe there’s a regional aspect to this. I get that this was your experience and that you know others who had the same, but I don’t think it is at all the norm. These parents sound incredibly neglectful, at the least, and probably shouldn’t have been parents at all.

I’m sorry for your bad experiences, but at the same time, I can point to lots of people who had experiences that were the exact opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just chiming in to say that my mom did this too--low level fed job that she left because she just didn't feel like working anymore. She had no money and no partner either. She told my sister that we siblings were her retirement plan. As if. In my mom's case once she stopped working she had no idea how to spend her time. Her way of getting out of the house was to go shopping and buy all kinds of crap she didn't need. When we moved her out of her house there was just so much cheap crap new with tags that she tossed in closets still in the original shopping bags. She did take a few trips but otherwise had no idea how to manage without a schedule. What about your mom OP? If she's not working she will be spending more money either for travel or self-improvement projects. You can't do anything though. It's been 15 years and my mom is out of money in a nursing home on Medicaid. I talked til I was blue in the face and it didn't make one bit of difference.

how did your mom get into the nursing home on Medicaid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:American culture is so strange. Grandparents refuse to help out with grandchildren, adult children refuse to help support aging parents. I was born and raised here, but it's such a strange comparison to other cultures where family members are expected to help each other.

It's because of how parents raise children here. I'm an Eastern European (not born here) married to an American. The way my husband was raised, I can only call mild neglect - he was sheltered and fed, but as a baby he was stuck in daycare (my own kids are in daycare, but in his case it was often overnight daycare so his parents could socialize). Starting with elementary school, he was a latchkey kid while parents built careers and lived their best lives. He ate dinner alone most nights unless friends' parents took pity on him. And I'm not talking about people who were working day and night trying to make ends meet, I'm talking about people who left early by choice to go to the gym, and came home late because they stopped for dinner or drinks with friends, leaving their elementary schooler at home alone to heat up frozen processed meals. He was made to move out at 18, worked full time and went to school full time, and got zero help from them - he lived on ketchup on bread at times.

DCUM would say, his parents didn't owe him anything, he was an adult and needed to pay his own way. But now that his parents are old, they expect love and support and a close bond. Where exactly is that bond supposed to come from, magic?

I think you're partially right. But, my parents were raised better. They had a very involved set of grandparents on both sides, as well as aunts and uncles. But, now they seem to not pay that forward at all because they "raised their kids." Well, they are partially right. But, they scored touchdowns with family help that gave them a start on the 50 yard line and they act like they did it themselves. They didn't- in labor or financially. I have see this trend in many, many -though not all, for sure- boomer parents. They view it as "Freedom" from their kids and kid rearing, which tells you what they thought of having kids even with the help.

My parents will be on their own in their elder years.

In other words, you will leave them
Alone because they will not provide free childcare. Ok we get it.

Way to manipulate. Free childcare? How about calling it essential family love and support. Not providing that if you can means you are self centered and narcissistic and yes - your family has every right to be disappointed in you.

Also, it isn't free child care, if the expectation is that the adult children support their elderly parents.