Would you look the other way on cheating if everything else was perfect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married!

LOL you're SO invested in telling perfect strangers you know all about them. So dramatic.

I have a lot of compassion for the apparently significant number of people on DCUM who claim rock-solid certainty about every aspect of cheating, cheaters, marriage that includes cheating, etc. It used to make me bonkers but now I get it. Cheating is some people's worst fear in a marriage; it's astonishing how many marriages that seem healthy end up having some infidelity, and there's also a significant number of people in low-sex marriages or kid-centered marriages who see messages here all of the time that this is a free pass to cheat.

I get why that would make someone behave like an expert when they're not.

That said: no, a personal belief, no matter how passionately held or expressed, is not a scientific fact. No, not everybody has the same sense of what they can live with in marriage. No, the question whether your kids are worse off living with joint custody and diminished financial stability vs. a parent getting sex on the side is not a scientific certainty and no you don't have data to support your claim that it is. No, not everybody believes it's a great idea to talk to your kids about details of why you divorced (and every family therapist and lawyer I know says not to, but that doesn't mean they're 100% correct in every circumstance).

Infidelity talk brings out fear and insecurity in people. That's normal and human. But that doesn't mean you understand someone else's life. The unwarranted certainty in these threads is exhausting but comes from a place of deep emotion, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

That would be a tough one. Did the AP have the baby? If I had small children my only concern at that point would be them. I may stay married until they were older who knows. Not the poor child's fault, but I honestly don't think I could have that situation in my home around my kids. Apparently that AP was trying to trap your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married!

LOL you're SO invested in telling perfect strangers you know all about them. So dramatic.

I have a lot of compassion for the apparently significant number of people on DCUM who claim rock-solid certainty about every aspect of cheating, cheaters, marriage that includes cheating, etc. It used to make me bonkers but now I get it. Cheating is some people's worst fear in a marriage; it's astonishing how many marriages that seem healthy end up having some infidelity, and there's also a significant number of people in low-sex marriages or kid-centered marriages who see messages here all of the time that this is a free pass to cheat.

I get why that would make someone behave like an expert when they're not.

That said: no, a personal belief, no matter how passionately held or expressed, is not a scientific fact. No, not everybody has the same sense of what they can live with in marriage. No, the question whether your kids are worse off living with joint custody and diminished financial stability vs. a parent getting sex on the side is not a scientific certainty and no you don't have data to support your claim that it is. No, not everybody believes it's a great idea to talk to your kids about details of why you divorced (and every family therapist and lawyer I know says not to, but that doesn't mean they're 100% correct in every circumstance).

Infidelity talk brings out fear and insecurity in people. That's normal and human. But that doesn't mean you understand someone else's life. The unwarranted certainty in these threads is exhausting but comes from a place of deep emotion, at least.

No doubt there are many variables. My deal breakers may not be for everyone. One of my dear friends was married many years to a guy who got them into all kinds of financial messes. I finally told her NOT to sign anything with him. Sure enough they tried to declare bankruptcy, and found a lawyer. I only found out because she wanted me to run a check on their lawyer. He kept taking a lot of money for every little thing. Found out he had a lot of debt, and liens. One was from his psychiatrist!!! Finally I talked her into stopping the BR and just pay their debt or sell a property. She stayed married, but I wouldn't have. Each to their own.

Having small kids, being near retirement, not having a career factors the decision to stay. Would I love someone that cheated, heck no but I'm going to do what's best for me at the end of the day. I'm sure that's what some of the posters have done. I believe some of the posters that say they are ok with their DH cheating really didn't have the choice other than to divorce. They weighed it all and decided to stay.

[Anonymous]

No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

If they don't have kids that's one thing. Yes kids know everything that goes in the home at early ages. I don't know why so many on here are in denial about that. My relatives husband left her for another woman at age 50. Two of the three kids never talked to him again. Wasn't invited to the wedding etc. It was a ugly divorce. He wanted the house and the new woman, but the house was awarded to his wife who still had the 2 kids at home. Kids over hear, are nosy and will find out. Best to stop living a deviant lifestyle once you decide to have kids, hopefully before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

PP here, I am a man. Married to a woman.

And apparently raped and abused as a child because I am not obsessed with the potential my wife might give in to a completely normal desire at some point over 60 years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sh*t. I was in the worst marriage possible and I still looked the other way for a time....then I booted her to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

If they don't have kids that's one thing. Yes kids know everything that goes in the home at early ages. I don't know why so many on here are in denial about that. My relatives husband left her for another woman at age 50. Two of the three kids never talked to him again. Wasn't invited to the wedding etc. It was a ugly divorce. He wanted the house and the new woman, but the house was awarded to his wife who still had the 2 kids at home. Kids over hear, are nosy and will find out. Best to stop living a deviant lifestyle once you decide to have kids, hopefully before.

Kids are an after thought when a spouse cheats. As a father and now dealing with a DW who I just found out she has had an extra marital affair since year (she does not know I know), my two young kids are my priority. One of my young kids under 10 already told me that "mommy is not hope and went on a trip for a few days." The lying is just out of control. Thank goodness we have a babysitter. The DW does not return my calls by the babysitter's calls. Thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do. My husband and I knew each other long before seriously dating and marrying (I was 35 when we got married, he was 42) and I knew who he was. He’s a great partner, we’re great friends, we’ve built a wonderful life together, and the agreement is: no long term affairs, no kids outside of our marriage, and wrap it up. I know he has dalliances when he travels and I really don’t care. I don’t feel a need to stray but know it would be okay for me to do so. It works for us.

This is our marriage too. Same rules, works for us. I bet there are lots out there who feel similarly. I assume many of those fidelity purists are newlyweds who can't fathom what a long term marriage with warts and all can look like.

I don't think fidelity purists, more like you couldn't stop your husband so this was the next best solution. An excuse of acceptance to keep your family under one roof. All good until he finds someone else, or does get someone pregnant.

NP. My husband did get his AP pregnant and while there was quite a bit of unpleasantness around that, we are still married.

You are married to a cheater who had kids outside of the marriage who has no problem exposing you to potential illness and in that vein no problem depriving your kids from their mother should you contract an illness resulting in your death. But yay you're still married!

LOL you're SO invested in telling perfect strangers you know all about them. So dramatic.

I'm glad you think it's funny. I can assure you your kids won't think it's funny. A cheating dad and low self-esteem mother is no benefit to your kids I've been there and being left to deal with you parents selfishness sucks.

[Anonymous]

PP, you convinced me! I'm going to send them to foster care since you seem to think their blood parents, while flawed, are of no benefit to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

You are extrapolating your experiences to everyone else. Not all fathers sob at night. Not all children are 13 at the time of the affair. If you don't want your children to get into messages of trust and deceit, keep them about of adult business. Relationship between the parents is none of the child's business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

You are extrapolating your experiences to everyone else. Not all fathers sob at night. Not all children are 13 at the time of the affair. If you don't want your children to get into messages of trust and deceit, keep them about of adult business. Relationship between the parents is none of the child's business.

I know it's easier for you to believe children are mindless idiots unaware of anything but what you tell them, but that's not the case. Children are aware of do much more than you think. You'd probably would know this if you weren't so caught up in your AP or keeping up the image of a perfect marriage.

[Anonymous]

I think it's so interesting how some folks on here are so one-dimensional about marriage. Marriage has so many facets to it. To those who are so clear that cheating equals divorce without any further discussion or thought, do you feel the same way about all the other aspects of your marriage? What if your spouse unilaterally put you and your family in major debt? what if they disrespected you on an ongoing basis? what if they were an absentee parent? Or didn't equally participate in managing the household? My guess is that none of the other parts to a marriage would be an absolute deal-breaker. SOme may eventually LEAD to divorce after talking about it, discussing it, trying to fix it, but none would be a "no discussion - we're divorcing" situation.

All these things, and more, contribute to a marriage. Yet, so many on here would put up with these other transgressions but once sex is involved, it's an absolute. I guess for me, there are ebbs and flows in a marriage and there are so many important parts. Yes, having sex outside the marriage is one part of the marriage, but it's not the whole part. Spouses should look at each other in total when determining whether to divorce.

signed
spouse whose partner cheated, who went to marriage counseling for several years, and who decided to stay in the marriage and now (after 20 years) has a very good and successful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

You are extrapolating your experiences to everyone else. Not all fathers sob at night. Not all children are 13 at the time of the affair. If you don't want your children to get into messages of trust and deceit, keep them about of adult business. Relationship between the parents is none of the child's business.

I know it's easier for you to believe children are mindless idiots unaware of anything but what you tell them, but that's not the case. Children are aware of do much more than you think. You'd probably would know this if you weren't so caught up in your AP or keeping up the image of a perfect marriage.

Well I don't think your three-year old, for instance, is too terribly interested in what goes on between mommy and daddy as long as the home life is stable and harmonious. People are not perfect but we still have to put one foot in front of the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Throughout the tread there have been posting's of individuals looking the other way of their spouse's infidelity. Some might say even with kids (young) as long as the cheating spouse is a good provider and father. What individual's are pushing aside is the message sent to the kids when trust, lying and deceit are involved. As adults, you as spouses have a choice how to live there lives and to raise their children. However, from experience, the message will be sent to the kids that it is ok to cheat not just to your spouse but, to their relationships.

My son of 13 years old at the time of the affair has some hatred to my XW. As my son is 24 now, I confronted his mother that - "You will never understand how damaging it was for a child to hear her father sobbing at night. My father is, and always will be, my hero." It torn me apart because I never discussed ever as the faithful spouse and I am just floored the he has kept this hidden so long. And we had two younger kids at the time as well.

You are extrapolating your experiences to everyone else. Not all fathers sob at night. Not all children are 13 at the time of the affair. If you don't want your children to get into messages of trust and deceit, keep them about of adult business. Relationship between the parents is none of the child's business.

I know it's easier for you to believe children are mindless idiots unaware of anything but what you tell them, but that's not the case. Children are aware of do much more than you think. You'd probably would know this if you weren't so caught up in your AP or keeping up the image of a perfect marriage.

Well I don't think your three-year old, for instance, is too terribly interested in what goes on between mommy and daddy as long as the home life is stable and harmonious. People are not perfect but we still have to put one foot in front of the other.

Not cheating has nothing to do with perfection so you can dead that lie. It's not just between mommy and daddy when your kid has a half sibling. They will find out about each other. Is this really what you would want for your child? A spouse that cheats on them that has side babies?