Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

at a minimum OP should take whatever the courts say she is entitled to for her children's sake - so she can help give them a leg up in life even if she really doesn't want it...

[Anonymous]

OP I get where you are coming from now and why you don't want any of that stuff.

if I were you, I'd let him buy you out of the house and let that be the end of it. If you are in DC, that'll give you a nice little nest egg for retirement.

Fighting him for half of your accounts would make you look mercenary and evil to everyone you know, especially since you are leaving him out of the blue.

[Anonymous]

OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.

The total ignorance above about how divorce and money work is staggering. Of course it's partly "her" money to which she would be legally entitled in the eyes of a court. Whether you as a total stranger think she (or he) is somehow morally entitled to it makes zero difference. If she's eligible for certain money in any form, the divorce arrangements will grant it to her. Do you really think that a divorcing couple each walks away with exactly and only what each of them earned in their paychecks during the marriage? Oh, you're making a moral fuss, right? Doesn't matter.

OP is going about her supposed escape in an extremely naive and thoughtless way that would probably alienate her children. But that doesn't alter the fact that she would get money unless she foolishly turned it down. I hope that any sane lawyer would tell her not to turn it down. But money or no money, her plan to blindside her husband will also blindside her kids, and estrange them while also helping her husband gain a lot of sympathy. She can't or won't see all that and wants to have one moment of triumph over her husband that will come at a cost she pays the rest of her life. And that cost will be MUCH more than financial.

OP here. Of course I will talk to them. However, they are (or will be) 18-24. They are off living their own lives, as they should be. They won't care and to the extent that they do, I think they will understand. Nothing about their own lives will change except that their mom and dad will no longer be living together. But since they don't live with us anymore anyway I don't see why they would care that much. It's not like they're 8-12.

And since people have asked, their father will continue to give them money. He wouldn't use them against me like that. He has goals for them (like paying for their educations) that have nothing to do with me. Believe it or not but it's the truth.

You are an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.

The total ignorance above about how divorce and money work is staggering. Of course it's partly "her" money to which she would be legally entitled in the eyes of a court. Whether you as a total stranger think she (or he) is somehow morally entitled to it makes zero difference. If she's eligible for certain money in any form, the divorce arrangements will grant it to her. Do you really think that a divorcing couple each walks away with exactly and only what each of them earned in their paychecks during the marriage? Oh, you're making a moral fuss, right? Doesn't matter.

OP is going about her supposed escape in an extremely naive and thoughtless way that would probably alienate her children. But that doesn't alter the fact that she would get money unless she foolishly turned it down. I hope that any sane lawyer would tell her not to turn it down. But money or no money, her plan to blindside her husband will also blindside her kids, and estrange them while also helping her husband gain a lot of sympathy. She can't or won't see all that and wants to have one moment of triumph over her husband that will come at a cost she pays the rest of her life. And that cost will be MUCH more than financial.

OP here. Of course I will talk to them. However, they are (or will be) 18-24. They are off living their own lives, as they should be. They won't care and to the extent that they do, I think they will understand. Nothing about their own lives will change except that their mom and dad will no longer be living together. But since they don't live with us anymore anyway I don't see why they would care that much. It's not like they're 8-12.

And since people have asked, their father will continue to give them money. He wouldn't use them against me like that. He has goals for them (like paying for their educations) that have nothing to do with me. Believe it or not but it's the truth.

Im that PP. Yes, they're adults. Mostly only technically, for an 18-year old, but whatever. And yes, divorce, if it's what you need to do; you clearly can't stay put and your marriage sounds lopsided and brimming with resentment.

But if you think your kids, because of their ages, "won't care" and you're actually right about that--what a sad state of affairs your relationship with them must be already. If you and they were close, they would care about how unhappy YOU are, but I doubt they have any idea. You don't stay unhappily married "for the kids' sake" when the kids are adults, but you also shouldn't disrespect your kids as people. Blindsiding them is a form of disrespect that they won't forget, even if the think they understand why you're leaving. They may likely feel, no matter how you explain things to them, that you are to blame, and they will start revisiting their entire childhoods in a new light that may or may not make them sympathetic. If you expect to have any relationships with them as adults (and eventually with their families), you would proceed with more deliberation and start talking to them. But maybe you fear they'll tell dad and spoil your big reveal when you tell him you're leaving. That will be quite the dramatic moment, but the drama will probably include your future relationships with your adult kids.

You seem to have good reason to want to leave but you also seem to be so invested in being able to leave free of all ties that you're going to end up cutting ties with your children too. But if you're this sure they won't care, maybe those ties aren't there anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

Okay, I amend my previous statement. You are a childish, spiteful idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

You're prepared to kill yourself, literally (sick people with no money die, OP), just so he can't make comments, and just so people don't gossip about you?

Your head is not screwed on the right way. You refuse to do the hard job, which is to EARN RESPECT.

I feel that not taking anything with me would be the biggest F*CK YOU I could ever give him. But you'd have to know us to understand. He has this image of me in his head that is not accurate - that I am a silly shallow spendthrift who is obsessed with having the "right" expensive furniture and clothing and jewelry and CC membership, etc. etc. And yet if you asked him, he would tell you we have a 9/10 or 10/10 marriage. I know this because I have asked him before. He thinks everything is great even though he has such a low opinion of me. It's just part of his patriarchal view of life. He makes dumb jokes about "wife math" and "divorce being too expensive" and honestly thinks they are funny when they're obviously offensive and insulting. But it's not even really about the money per se, it's about control. I had to push very hard to get the job that I have now. He kept saying he didn't understand why I'd want to work when we obviously don't need the money. Because I am planning to leave you, you ignorant ass.

Leaving everything behind, including the money, without a backwards glance would make him rethink every single thing about our marriage.

The truth is I don't feel a strong connection to any of that stuff. It's just stuff and I don't even want it anymore. I can't remember why I ever wanted it in the first place anymore.

You are living a fantasy that will never be reality. Your husband will never look back at your marriage and think he did things wrong. He will continue to think you are a clueless idiot. And he will gain the sympathy of your friends, family, and children. Fortunately for him he won’t be single long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

But why do that to your kids. They deserve better, even as young adults.

[Anonymous]

You remind me of my mom. She obsessed constantly about how awful my dad was, but was oblivious of how much she enabled him.

Do not make life decisions out of spite, set your DH aside and consider what it is you want, AS YOUR OWN PERSON, then proceed accordingly. The best thing you can do is to stop caring about what your DH thinks, how he feels, and what he says to whomever. You don't need to divorce for that, but you should practice it first, before you take that final leap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

Okay, I amend my previous statement. You are a childish, spiteful idiot.

He treats her poorly. He is rude to her - “wife math” my husband tried that one once and I told him where to shove it.

Why should she stay with such a huge asshole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

Upside down? You will be setting him free to find someone new, or multiple new women.

Your adult children will care and it does impact them. They will judge you on how you approach this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.

The total ignorance above about how divorce and money work is staggering. Of course it's partly "her" money to which she would be legally entitled in the eyes of a court. Whether you as a total stranger think she (or he) is somehow morally entitled to it makes zero difference. If she's eligible for certain money in any form, the divorce arrangements will grant it to her. Do you really think that a divorcing couple each walks away with exactly and only what each of them earned in their paychecks during the marriage? Oh, you're making a moral fuss, right? Doesn't matter.

OP is going about her supposed escape in an extremely naive and thoughtless way that would probably alienate her children. But that doesn't alter the fact that she would get money unless she foolishly turned it down. I hope that any sane lawyer would tell her not to turn it down. But money or no money, her plan to blindside her husband will also blindside her kids, and estrange them while also helping her husband gain a lot of sympathy. She can't or won't see all that and wants to have one moment of triumph over her husband that will come at a cost she pays the rest of her life. And that cost will be MUCH more than financial.

OP here. Of course I will talk to them. However, they are (or will be) 18-24. They are off living their own lives, as they should be. They won't care and to the extent that they do, I think they will understand. Nothing about their own lives will change except that their mom and dad will no longer be living together. But since they don't live with us anymore anyway I don't see why they would care that much. It's not like they're 8-12.

And since people have asked, their father will continue to give them money. He wouldn't use them against me like that. He has goals for them (like paying for their educations) that have nothing to do with me. Believe it or not but it's the truth.

Im that PP. Yes, they're adults. Mostly only technically, for an 18-year old, but whatever. And yes, divorce, if it's what you need to do; you clearly can't stay put and your marriage sounds lopsided and brimming with resentment.

But if you think your kids, because of their ages, "won't care" and you're actually right about that--what a sad state of affairs your relationship with them must be already. If you and they were close, they would care about how unhappy YOU are, but I doubt they have any idea. You don't stay unhappily married "for the kids' sake" when the kids are adults, but you also shouldn't disrespect your kids as people. Blindsiding them is a form of disrespect that they won't forget, even if the think they understand why you're leaving. They may likely feel, no matter how you explain things to them, that you are to blame, and they will start revisiting their entire childhoods in a new light that may or may not make them sympathetic. If you expect to have any relationships with them as adults (and eventually with their families), you would proceed with more deliberation and start talking to them. But maybe you fear they'll tell dad and spoil your big reveal when you tell him you're leaving. That will be quite the dramatic moment, but the drama will probably include your future relationships with your adult kids.

You seem to have good reason to want to leave but you also seem to be so invested in being able to leave free of all ties that you're going to end up cutting ties with your children too. But if you're this sure they won't care, maybe those ties aren't there anyway.

She already said she is planning to talk to the kids beforehand. What more can she do?

FFS people on here always say to stay in bad marriages for the kids until college. Now we have to stay until early adulthood? When is enough enough?

Her husband sounds like a huge jerk.

[Anonymous]

How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

Okay, I amend my previous statement. You are a childish, spiteful idiot.

He treats her poorly. He is rude to her - “wife math” my husband tried that one once and I told him where to shove it.

Why should she stay with such a huge asshole?

DP.

Many of us are not saying she should stay. We're saying that if she leaves she needs to do so like an adult who takes stock of the financial realities and the potential relationship issues with her children. Pointing out those things is not the same as saying, stay.

But OP is so focused on trying to hurt her husband that she would accept aging into poverty and damaging her relationships with her adult children as acceptable prices to pay in order to "turn his life upside down." She needs therapy -- not to convince her to stay but to help her get into the real world re: how to leave. But she sounds as if she would not commit to it or accept anything a therapist said that didn't agree with the "I'll get even and I'll reset the clock to 22 again" fantasy. It's sad now , but it'll be sadder when she's estranged from her kuds and staring down a retirement she can't afford.