Reply to Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you didn't earn any of that money, it's not your money anyway.

I don't know why you would think you are entitled to any of it.

Moot point.

As to whether you should leave your husband, you'd have to give us some details about what makes him such a jerk in your eyes.[/quote]

The total ignorance above about how divorce and money work is staggering. Of course it's partly "her" money to which she would be legally entitled in the eyes of a court. Whether you as a total stranger think she (or he) is somehow morally entitled to it makes zero difference. If she's eligible for certain money in any form, the divorce arrangements will grant it to her. Do you really think that a divorcing couple each walks away with exactly and only what each of them earned in their paychecks during the marriage? Oh, you're making a moral fuss, right? Doesn't matter.

OP is going about her supposed escape in an extremely naive and thoughtless way that would probably alienate her children. But that doesn't alter the fact that she would get money unless she foolishly turned it down. I hope that any sane lawyer would tell her not to turn it down. But money or no money, her plan to blindside her husband will also blindside her kids, and estrange them while also helping her husband gain a lot of sympathy. She can't or won't see all that and wants to have one moment of triumph over her husband that will come at a cost she pays the rest of her life. And that cost will be MUCH more than financial.[/quote]

OP here. Of course I will talk to them. However, they are (or will be) 18-24. They are off living their own lives, as they should be. They won't care and to the extent that they do, I think they will understand. Nothing about their own lives will change except that their mom and dad will no longer be living together. But since they don't live with us anymore anyway I don't see why they would care that much. It's not like they're 8-12.

And since people have asked, their father will continue to give them money. He wouldn't use them against me like that. He has goals for them (like paying for their educations) that have nothing to do with me. Believe it or not but it's the truth.[/quote]

Im that PP. Yes, they're adults. Mostly only technically, for an 18-year old, but whatever. And yes, divorce, if it's what you need to do; you clearly can't stay put and your marriage sounds lopsided and brimming with resentment.

But if you think your kids, because of their ages, "won't care" and you're actually right about that--what a sad state of affairs your relationship with them must be already. If you and they were close, they would care about how unhappy YOU are, but I doubt they have any idea. You don't stay unhappily married "for the kids' sake" when the kids are adults, but you also shouldn't disrespect your kids as people. Blindsiding them is a form of disrespect that they won't forget, even if the think they understand why you're leaving. They may likely feel, no matter how you explain things to them, that you are to blame, and they will start revisiting their entire childhoods in a new light that may or may not make them sympathetic. If you expect to have any relationships with them as adults (and eventually with their families), you would proceed with more deliberation and start talking to them. But maybe you fear they'll tell dad and spoil your big reveal when you tell him you're leaving. That will be quite the dramatic moment, but the drama will probably include your future relationships with your adult kids.

You seem to have good reason to want to leave but you also seem to be so invested in being able to leave free of all ties that you're going to end up cutting ties with your children too. But if you're this sure they won't care, maybe those ties aren't there anyway.[/quote]

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