Planning to leave my husband once our youngest starts college

[Anonymous]

Op. If you are not a troll, which I suspect you may be, then you are very naive. If you follow your plan you may turn his life upside down for a very short while, but in a few years time he will be in another relationship with all of your money enjoying life, while you will potentially be destitute. You are unlikely to have "the last laugh" and end up truly happy by acting out of spite instead of rationally. Also don't think for a minute that he won't bad mouth you just bc you don't ask for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any decent lawyer would consider that agreement unconscionable OP.

what agreement?

The divorce or settlement agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more urgent question is why are you even considering leaving your DH? I would ask you to please approach your DH to let him know how you feel, then take some time after your children are gone to reconnect and to work (with a therapist's help) on the issues affecting your happiness. You may find that life without children at home allows your marriage the fresh start you desire. Marriages should not be so readily discarded.

because I want to turn his life upside down. That's what he deserves.

Okay, I amend my previous statement. You are a childish, spiteful idiot.

He treats her poorly. He is rude to her - “wife math” my husband tried that one once and I told him where to shove it.

Why should she stay with such a huge asshole?

DP.

Many of us are not saying she should stay. We're saying that if she leaves she needs to do so like an adult who takes stock of the financial realities and the potential relationship issues with her children. Pointing out those things is not the same as saying, stay.

But OP is so focused on trying to hurt her husband that she would accept aging into poverty and damaging her relationships with her adult children as acceptable prices to pay in order to "turn his life upside down." She needs therapy -- not to convince her to stay but to help her get into the real world re: how to leave. But she sounds as if she would not commit to it or accept anything a therapist said that didn't agree with the "I'll get even and I'll reset the clock to 22 again" fantasy. It's sad now , but it'll be sadder when she's estranged from her kuds and staring down a retirement she can't afford.

I would like to be 22 again. But THAT ship sailed 25 years ago ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. If you are not a troll, which I suspect you may be, then you are very naive. If you follow your plan you may turn his life upside down for a very short while, but in a few years time he will be in another relationship with all of your money enjoying life, while you will potentially be destitute. You are unlikely to have "the last laugh" and end up truly happy by acting out of spite instead of rationally. Also don't think for a minute that he won't bad mouth you just bc you don't ask for money.

+1
"ha, I'll let him keep all of his millions of dollars while I slum it on $50,000!! I'll show him!!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

Because he’s emotionally clueless. I have told him several times over the years that I don’t think he respects me and that I don’t always like or appreciate the way he speaks to me. He always denies the lack of respect thing, his language improves, but then it always slips again. For instance, he loves to rub it in my face in front of our kids that they shouldn’t ask me for help on their math hw because he got such a higher score on the SATs. That’s genuinely his idea of a joke. I know he doesn’t really mean it spitefully (at least not completely) but I’m sick of overlooking that kind of thing. I’ve had enough.

Yes we’re still having sex bit not as often as we used to. Probably once a week.

[Anonymous]

OP. I will take any money offered but none of our things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I will take any money offered but none of our things.

No one really cares anymore. You sound so annoying I think he's going to be thrilled to be rid of you.

[Anonymous]

Well look you say all he cares about is money. If that is the case, you have to fight for every $ you can get if you really want to punish him!

If you walk with nothing, you’ll be doing him a huge favor. That’s not the way to play this. Hire the best divorce attorney you can and take him to the cleaners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I know he would fight me on the money (as that's really all he cares about in life) and I don't to go through some long drawn out battle. He has occasionally made "jokes" that the reason we are not divorced is that it would be too expensive for him. Hardy har har.

I also feel like it would prevent him from having a reason to bad mouth me to people. If I just leave on my own and take nothing, he has no right to complain to anyone.

You're prepared to kill yourself, literally (sick people with no money die, OP), just so he can't make comments, and just so people don't gossip about you?

Your head is not screwed on the right way. You refuse to do the hard job, which is to EARN RESPECT.

I feel that not taking anything with me would be the biggest F*CK YOU I could ever give him. But you'd have to know us to understand. He has this image of me in his head that is not accurate - that I am a silly shallow spendthrift who is obsessed with having the "right" expensive furniture and clothing and jewelry and CC membership, etc. etc. And yet if you asked him, he would tell you we have a 9/10 or 10/10 marriage. I know this because I have asked him before. He thinks everything is great even though he has such a low opinion of me. It's just part of his patriarchal view of life. He makes dumb jokes about "wife math" and "divorce being too expensive" and honestly thinks they are funny when they're obviously offensive and insulting. But it's not even really about the money per se, it's about control. I had to push very hard to get the job that I have now. He kept saying he didn't understand why I'd want to work when we obviously don't need the money. Because I am planning to leave you, you ignorant ass.

Leaving everything behind, including the money, without a backwards glance would make him rethink every single thing about our marriage.

The truth is I don't feel a strong connection to any of that stuff. It's just stuff and I don't even want it anymore. I can't remember why I ever wanted it in the first place anymore.

You are living a fantasy that will never be reality. Your husband will never look back at your marriage and think he did things wrong. He will continue to think you are a clueless idiot. And he will gain the sympathy of your friends, family, and children. Fortunately for him he won’t be single long.

Yup. You won't be breaking free, you'll still be allowing his reaction to control your choices.

Therapy, OP. Because you are in for a nasty surprise when you no longer have your husband to blame and your are still unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

Because he’s emotionally clueless. I have told him several times over the years that I don’t think he respects me and that I don’t always like or appreciate the way he speaks to me. He always denies the lack of respect thing, his language improves, but then it always slips again. For instance, he loves to rub it in my face in front of our kids that they shouldn’t ask me for help on their math hw because he got such a higher score on the SATs. That’s genuinely his idea of a joke. I know he doesn’t really mean it spitefully (at least not completely) but I’m sick of overlooking that kind of thing. I’ve had enough.

Yes we’re still having sex bit not as often as we used to. Probably once a week.

Wow, I pray you have better examples than that. My wife and I tease each other all the time and you admit he doesn't mean it spitefully? You sound super resentful and clearly even things like that are scratching at your insides. I also can't help but wonder what HIS side of this whole story would sound like - since we're all assuming he's the horrible person you make him out to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well look you say all he cares about is money. If that is the case, you have to fight for every $ you can get if you really want to punish him!

If you walk with nothing, you’ll be doing him a huge favor. That’s not the way to play this. Hire the best divorce attorney you can and take him to the cleaners.

+1

How is this even a question?!

Like what?

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

Because he’s emotionally clueless. I have told him several times over the years that I don’t think he respects me and that I don’t always like or appreciate the way he speaks to me. He always denies the lack of respect thing, his language improves, but then it always slips again. For instance, he loves to rub it in my face in front of our kids that they shouldn’t ask me for help on their math hw because he got such a higher score on the SATs. That’s genuinely his idea of a joke. I know he doesn’t really mean it spitefully (at least not completely) but I’m sick of overlooking that kind of thing. I’ve had enough.

Yes we’re still having sex bit not as often as we used to. Probably once a week.

Wow, I pray you have better examples than that. My wife and I tease each other all the time and you admit he doesn't mean it spitefully? You sound super resentful and clearly even things like that are scratching at your insides. I also can't help but wonder what HIS side of this whole story would sound like - since we're all assuming he's the horrible person you make him out to be

Dude that’s actually a really disrespectful thing to say and she said she even told him that it hurts her feelings and he still does it.

If you are saying shit like that to your wife on the reg, she might be secretly planning to dump you too.

[Anonymous]

keep playing the victim OP

[Anonymous]

I wish we could hear him describe the marriage from his POV.

I’m starting to feel bad for him.

She’s just going to totally dump him on his ass one day out of the blue. After what, 25 ish years?

Damn that’s cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that he thinks you have a great marriage and yet you are secretly planning to leave him?

Are ya’ll still having sex?

Because he’s emotionally clueless. I have told him several times over the years that I don’t think he respects me and that I don’t always like or appreciate the way he speaks to me. He always denies the lack of respect thing, his language improves, but then it always slips again. For instance, he loves to rub it in my face in front of our kids that they shouldn’t ask me for help on their math hw because he got such a higher score on the SATs. That’s genuinely his idea of a joke. I know he doesn’t really mean it spitefully (at least not completely) but I’m sick of overlooking that kind of thing. I’ve had enough.

Yes we’re still having sex bit not as often as we used to. Probably once a week.

Wow, I pray you have better examples than that. My wife and I tease each other all the time and you admit he doesn't mean it spitefully? You sound super resentful and clearly even things like that are scratching at your insides. I also can't help but wonder what HIS side of this whole story would sound like - since we're all assuming he's the horrible person you make him out to be

Dude that’s actually a really disrespectful thing to say and she said she even told him that it hurts her feelings and he still does it.

If you are saying shit like that to your wife on the reg, she might be secretly planning to dump you too.

NP. It depends. My husband and I banter like this too and I'm not so sensitive that I sulk, I give it right back - it's usually all in fun.