People inviting themselves on your vacation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

Bullshit, most people would answer the question with more detail than “Florida.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

This is OP. In a text she asked me, “Are you guys still going to XYZ over break.” I thought nothing of it, and actually assumed she was going to ask us to make some other plans with her, so I said, “Yes, we booked months ago, actually.” Then she said, “Great! We will be there then too! We can hang out while the kids play!”

I haven’t said a thing to her since.

[Anonymous]

I'd change my plans and go somewhere else.

I had a similar thing happen. It wasn't a friend of mine, but an associate of my husband's. They booked at the same hotel, knowing we booked there, too. They didn't expect to hang out with us, though. But it ruined the vacation for me because I felt like I couldn't relax b/c I was worried we'd bump into them. For example, I wanted to go relax in the hot tub, but I didn't because I knew I'd feel awkward if they were there and it would be too rude to up and walk away.

We didn't find out until last minute that they were staying there, but if I had known in advance, I would've just canceled and booked somewhere else, accepting whatever loss of money came with cancellation.

The reality is that it will be on your mind the entire vacation, so you're either out the money you spend to cancel and book somewhere else or your entire vacation is ruined/overshadowed.

And yes, the lesson I learned was not to mention specific plans to anyone. I don't even pinpoint where we're going until afterwards. And I've told my husband to do the same.

I don't think people do it intentionally. In our case, I think that the associate, when told about the hotel where we were staying and the location, thought it was cool/sounded nice.

But for me, a huge part of the value of vacation and travel is getting away from it all -- that includes people, even people I like. I want a break. I don't see the point in traveling and spending money to spend time with the people I spend time with all of the time anyway.

Another thing I value about vacation/travel is that I get to let my guard down and even take a break from myself for a while. It's easier to do that among strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

I’m really just so annoyed. All I waned was a quiet relaxing vacation away from everyone. I have a stack of books I planned on reading. Ugh.

And yes, this is Speing Break. We can’t change our plans now, we would lose too much money.

And yes, it’s a small resort (maybe 100 suites?) I’m just picturing not being able to even go to the pool without running into them.

I have no idea how to even tell her we won’t be hanging out 24/7 and sharing a table for every meal.

And yes, she told me that it will be great because our kids can play and we can socialize. Ugh! How can I get out of this, DCUM! What can I tactfully say?

"We can make a couple of plans, but this vacation involves me and my family, and some books."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

Bullshit, most people would answer the question with more detail than “Florida.”

Right! PP, if you answered “Florida”, and they said, “Oh! Where to in Florida?” You don’t respond? Do you answer “Sorry, that’s classified.” Most normal people engaging in normal conversation would say something like, “Oh, we found a great little place in West Palm!” Most people don’t worry about elaborating because. They don’t assume people will in turn book a room for themselves too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

This is OP. In a text she asked me, “Are you guys still going to XYZ over break.” I thought nothing of it, and actually assumed she was going to ask us to make some other plans with her, so I said, “Yes, we booked months ago, actually.” Then she said, “Great! We will be there then too! We can hang out while the kids play!”

I haven’t said a thing to her since.

Wait, why would you assume she booked tickets because of that exchange? I would have assumed from that exchange that she'd separately made plans, coincidentally the same place, and then found out through the grapevine that you were going there too. I would not have necessarily assumed that it was done to spend time with you. You might still be right of course, that's also a reasonable deduction, but I don't think I would have assumed that was fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

Bullshit, most people would answer the question with more detail than “Florida.”

Right! PP, if you answered “Florida”, and they said, “Oh! Where to in Florida?” You don’t respond? Do you answer “Sorry, that’s classified.” Most normal people engaging in normal conversation would say something like, “Oh, we found a great little place in West Palm!” Most people don’t worry about elaborating because. They don’t assume people will in turn book a room for themselves too.

- Where are you going?
- Florida.
- Oh! Where to in Florida?
- Not sure exactly, finalizing plans. Probably X or Y or maybe Z, on the other hand maybe A or B.

You can be elaborating without sharing. I don't like sharing plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

This is OP. In a text she asked me, “Are you guys still going to XYZ over break.” I thought nothing of it, and actually assumed she was going to ask us to make some other plans with her, so I said, “Yes, we booked months ago, actually.” Then she said, “Great! We will be there then too! We can hang out while the kids play!”

I haven’t said a thing to her since.

Wait, why would you assume she booked tickets because of that exchange? I would have assumed from that exchange that she'd separately made plans, coincidentally the same place, and then found out through the grapevine that you were going there too. I would not have necessarily assumed that it was done to spend time with you. You might still be right of course, that's also a reasonable deduction, but I don't think I would have assumed that was fact.

We had discussed it! She knew the time and place from my own mouth! I realize that was my mistake, but I can’t change that now.

[Anonymous]

Originally I thought this was a summer trip so picking the same place and same week is odd. Spring break is a little different - only week, more limited to locations. I get it that it is weird but it is not like this is a private house, you can't control who stays in the other 99 rooms in this hotel.

Out of curiosity, if she had thought to ask you if you were OK with this beforehand, would you have been able to say, please don't? Or should she just have known to stay away and not even consider the resort?

I actually think the anticipation of this is worse than how it actually will be. We spend our vacations at a club where other friends are there as well. You bump into them at the pool, restaurant or golf course - a quick 5 minutes of small talk and then you move on to doing your own thing. I think it will be like that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Originally I thought this was a summer trip so picking the same place and same week is odd. Spring break is a little different - only week, more limited to locations. I get it that it is weird but it is not like this is a private house, you can't control who stays in the other 99 rooms in this hotel.

Out of curiosity, if she had thought to ask you if you were OK with this beforehand, would you have been able to say, please don't? Or should she just have known to stay away and not even consider the resort?

I actually think the anticipation of this is worse than how it actually will be. We spend our vacations at a club where other friends are there as well. You bump into them at the pool, restaurant or golf course - a quick 5 minutes of small talk and then you move on to doing your own thing. I think it will be like that for you.

OP's friend doesn't sound like the kind of person who will be okay with 5 minutes of small talk and then moving on.

I'm the PP who says just change the plans. It will be miserable otherwise.

I agree with others that it's best not to mention these things. If someone says, "Hey, what are you doing for spring break?" You say, "Not sure yet." And then you change the subject. Eventually people get the idea.

But I'm also not the kind of person who brags about travel or posts a million pictures when I go on vacation, so people have come to view me as a not really showy person, a private kind of person, and there's no travel/vacation oneupmanship going on. People get that my husband and I kind of do our own thing.

It's not easy being that way. There are tradeoffs. Some people don't like me because I'm an introvert, because I'm kind of private and value my privacy, because boundaries are important to me. But that's who I am. I'd rather set that straight from the start than have to pretend later or feel like I have no control over my own life.

I'm the PP who upthread had a similar situation, but with husband's associate. That experience confirmed for me how important privacy, boundaries, time truly away is important to my well-being. We live in a congested, stressful area. Also, many of the work environments and even school environments can be highly competitive and cutthroat. It's also a place where there's a lot of weight put on image and networks and politics. I think all of that means that it's even more important that your time away, your travel time, is truly your time to decompress and catch a break from even your social networks (especially if you're an introvert).

Sure, there are some people, usually extroverts, who thrive on all of that stuff and maybe see vacation as another opportunity to socialize. That's fine, too. But either way, it's okay to set boundaries with other people. Just limit the information you give them. If they keep asking and you keep changing the subject, eventually they'll either get the message and respect it or they'll conclude that you're a b*tch, in which case, honestly, it's not a friendship you want because those kinds of people are always pushing the boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please explain to us how the conversation went when you told this "friend" about your plans. Did she ask you what you were doing to spring break or did you initiate? She must be a fairly close friend for you to give not just the destination, but also the resort/hotel.

This is OP. In a text she asked me, “Are you guys still going to XYZ over break.” I thought nothing of it, and actually assumed she was going to ask us to make some other plans with her, so I said, “Yes, we booked months ago, actually.” Then she said, “Great! We will be there then too! We can hang out while the kids play!”

I haven’t said a thing to her since.

Wait, why would you assume she booked tickets because of that exchange? I would have assumed from that exchange that she'd separately made plans, coincidentally the same place, and then found out through the grapevine that you were going there too. I would not have necessarily assumed that it was done to spend time with you. You might still be right of course, that's also a reasonable deduction, but I don't think I would have assumed that was fact.

We had discussed it! She knew the time and place from my own mouth! I realize that was my mistake, but I can’t change that now.

Here are your options:

1) change your plans and go somewhere else (that would be my preferred option, but it may not be a practical one for you)
2) tell her you want to focus on your family during vacation and hope she gets the hint (this hinges on her not be obtuse)
3) make specific plans with her now, and then do your best to avoid her during the rest of the trip (this rests on hoping that by making specific plans, she'll leave you alone the rest of the time. But that's risky.)
4) come totally clean with her and ask her why she booked for same time/place as you and tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable. (this option means you'll probably ruin her vacation and lose the friendship.)

No matter what you choose, I would also distance myself from her. It seems like she has boundary issues. It's fine if she wanted to vacation with you, but it's very weird that she didn't say anything BEFORE booking the trip. I'm not saying it was malicious, but it does show that she doesn't understand healthy boundaries, especially if she's already suggesting you hang out. While this vacation will come and go, her boundary issues will eventually manifest in other ways, especially if she is left to believe this was a good idea and is rewarded for doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Larla, what a strange coincidence! We'll have to get together for drinks one night - maybe even dinner. Tuesday afternoon/evening is still open for us. Otherwise we can just catch up when we get back."

This seems so obviously the right way to handle it that I don't know why there are are any other options being presented.

Because it's weird that OP's friend booked before saying anything to her and then assumed they'd hang out while their kids played. It's like OP's friend didn't want to give her the opportunity to say no. It shows definite boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

If it is all settled that both families will be there, I would talk with my husband about what we wanted from this vacation. If you two wanted this to be a family vacation, then find ways to make that a priority. Maybe you explore what to do away from the resort. Book day trips. Plan to eat away from the resort for some meals. Make the most of it, if you can't make other plans. Do the kids get along and enjoy each others company? Will she have a husband going along too? I'd be very disappointed, but would explore options to make sure the trip ends up being what my family wanted and planned.

[Anonymous]

Oh, you planned on being the only people at the resort ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, you planned on being the only people at the resort ?

This comment is so utterly obtuse, I’m not even going to elaborate on it. You know the answer to this.