Boy is pursuing my DD and won't leave her alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If this was happening to my daughter, I wouldn't spend two seconds thinking about the world we live in. I would do what works, and has worked for years. And my DH and DS would be only too happy to step in. The girl tried to do it herself and it didn't work so time to get help. I'm not running a damn social experiment when my child is at stake.

That's nice for your daughter, who has a father and a brother who are able and willing to threaten violence. (Assuming that they don't actually commit violence, which would only create further problems.) What about other kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said this kid is popular, which to me indicates he's potentially an alpha who has never been told no and doesn't really know how to handle that, so he is acting out without fear of consequences. Think Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise who seems to have made it into his 30s acting like this - what a douche.

I'd think that if your daughter firmly told him to get lost (as you say she did) and then actually ignores him he will stop. But my fear is that his friends might then be jerks to her, or some popular girls in his circle (who might like him) would be mean to your daughter in retaliation to her/solidarity with him. Keep an eye out for this, and have her trust in her friends for comfort and back up. Try your best to stay in the loop and check in with her. And go full on momma bear if something goes awry.

I'm a football coach and guidance counselor, so I have a lot of experience working with all sides on what they can do better in working with each other.

Your guidance counselor should work with the young man to help him understand he can back off with respect, that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. The counselor can also help him understand that it's your daughter's loss if she can't figure out why she's making a mistake. I know you might not think it's a mistake, but we got to work from the young man's perspective.

I do want your daughter to think about what she's really communicating to the young man. Is she cutting down his manhood in her rejection, rather than owning her actions?

I had a great, great player who went on to play FCS-level ball in college at a ranked program. He ended up marrying a really fantastic woman coed he met there.

But, you know, he was a talented but coltish high school sophomore back in the day. Now, even then he was a heck of a player, and left it all on the field. But at that age he was a sensitive kid.

So anyway, he developed a crush on a hot senior cheerleader. Now we always use kids' circumstances as motivational fuel. If a kid thinks getting a TD and getting to the 'ship is going to get him some action, then he's gonna play better.

But this chick was just too hot, and had been around the block. She wasn't dating one of my underclassmen no matter how much potential he has. But she was pretty cruel in how she blew him off. He kept trying to prove himself to her, much like this young man is doing with your DD. Since even as a sophomore he was a critical player for us, we took a lot of time helping him work through this and get over her. To this day I think we would have pulled out the semifinal if we had had just a little more time to game plan. But, you know, that's what you get when you choose to coach at this level.

Anyway Mom, show some compassion for this young man. Who knows--you might even find yourself watching him on your TV on Sundays in a few years .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said this kid is popular, which to me indicates he's potentially an alpha who has never been told no and doesn't really know how to handle that, so he is acting out without fear of consequences. Think Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise who seems to have made it into his 30s acting like this - what a douche.

I'd think that if your daughter firmly told him to get lost (as you say she did) and then actually ignores him he will stop. But my fear is that his friends might then be jerks to her, or some popular girls in his circle (who might like him) would be mean to your daughter in retaliation to her/solidarity with him. Keep an eye out for this, and have her trust in her friends for comfort and back up. Try your best to stay in the loop and check in with her. And go full on momma bear if something goes awry.

I'm a football coach and guidance counselor, so I have a lot of experience working with all sides on what they can do better in working with each other.

Your guidance counselor should work with the young man to help him understand he can back off with respect, that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. The counselor can also help him understand that it's your daughter's loss if she can't figure out why she's making a mistake. I know you might not think it's a mistake, but we got to work from the young man's perspective.

I do want your daughter to think about what she's really communicating to the young man. Is she cutting down his manhood in her rejection, rather than owning her actions?

I had a great, great player who went on to play FCS-level ball in college at a ranked program. He ended up marrying a really fantastic woman coed he met there.

But, you know, he was a talented but coltish high school sophomore back in the day. Now, even then he was a heck of a player, and left it all on the field. But at that age he was a sensitive kid.

So anyway, he developed a crush on a hot senior cheerleader. Now we always use kids' circumstances as motivational fuel. If a kid thinks getting a TD and getting to the 'ship is going to get him some action, then he's gonna play better.

But this chick was just too hot, and had been around the block. She wasn't dating one of my underclassmen no matter how much potential he has. But she was pretty cruel in how she blew him off. He kept trying to prove himself to her, much like this young man is doing with your DD. Since even as a sophomore he was a critical player for us, we took a lot of time helping him work through this and get over her. To this day I think we would have pulled out the semifinal if we had had just a little more time to game plan. But, you know, that's what you get when you choose to coach at this level.

Anyway Mom, show some compassion for this young man. Who knows--you might even find yourself watching him on your TV on Sundays in a few years .

...because he made Dateline as a notorious rapist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he has special needs. She says he's part of the "popular" crowd and he contacts her at least 10 times a day via Snapchat and says stuff like, "you are so friggin hot , why won't you talk to me?" He also apparently has had his friends talk to her and they collectively were staring at her while she was doing some math homework during an open class period. She has PE with him, but no other classes. While I believe my daughter is very attractive, her best attribute is that she is brainy, strong-willed and has a pretty good head on her shoulders. I'm inclined to let her handle this on her own, but don't want it to get out of hand, and my husband is very upset.

She can block him and not give him access to her "stories" on snap chat. She should also disassociate herself from others that follow him. Been there, done that. Boys and girls can be very persistent these days, bordering on sexual harassment, with a guy won't leave DD alone or a girl wants her to walk on the other side. It's so damn annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of 14 year boys who are cringy at that age do not grow up to be rapists.

Most kids that age, boy and girl, at completely inexperienced when it comes to romantic gestures and starting and maintaining relationships. They all say and do really immature things, because they are immature. They tend to act based on what they have seen or heard at home, in movies / TV. Peer groups are still so important and trying to impress your friends is still front of mind. Kids are insecure, inexperienced and often inappropriate.

I worked in a high school an I can tell you the lack of respect goes both ways. Boys and girls both do things and say things and pursue each other in really disrespectful ways. They are often all trying to get their own needs met and don't really get how these new experiences are impacting the other. They have no sense of long term and are focused on the day.

In situations like this, I do think being direct is important. She should say, you are making me uncomfortable, please stop. Or you are more likely be get a girl to answer you if yoi respect them. After that just ignore him, act like he's invisible and see if that extinguishes it. I wouldn't invo Ke the school or parents yet. It has been less than a week. Kids this age need to start learning to speak for themselves and she has you to run things by for direction and support.

I completely agree.

PP Coach here. Yeah, this. Mistakes are mad on all sides. On ALL sides.

We need to move on. I tell my players to say "I'm not looking backward I'm moving forward".

My player might be too aggressive in approaching a girl because he's aKID. Your daughter might be too uptight because she's a KID. My player's teammates shouldn't blackball the girl because she doesn't eve know yet that she needs to loosen up.

And your daughter shouldn't mess up my player's chances with other girls because it's like the weight room. Just as he's not squatting 500 as a sophomore, he's not knowing how to hit on girls the way he will as a senior. He learns from his mistakes, just like on the field. So cut him a break.

You do realize that the goal here is not to make sure your sophomore JV boys get their dicks wet, right? You don't get to decide how uptight is "too uptight." And if your player can't take no for an answer, he should be blackballed.

[Anonymous]

Hey Mr. Football Coach/Counselor--where do you work? I'm pretty sure I know who you are, but I want to make sure I am keeping my kids away from the right guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of 14 year boys who are cringy at that age do not grow up to be rapists.

Most kids that age, boy and girl, at completely inexperienced when it comes to romantic gestures and starting and maintaining relationships. They all say and do really immature things, because they are immature. They tend to act based on what they have seen or heard at home, in movies / TV. Peer groups are still so important and trying to impress your friends is still front of mind. Kids are insecure, inexperienced and often inappropriate.

I worked in a high school an I can tell you the lack of respect goes both ways. Boys and girls both do things and say things and pursue each other in really disrespectful ways. They are often all trying to get their own needs met and don't really get how these new experiences are impacting the other. They have no sense of long term and are focused on the day.

In situations like this, I do think being direct is important. She should say, you are making me uncomfortable, please stop. Or you are more likely be get a girl to answer you if yoi respect them. After that just ignore him, act like he's invisible and see if that extinguishes it. I wouldn't invo Ke the school or parents yet. It has been less than a week. Kids this age need to start learning to speak for themselves and she has you to run things by for direction and support.

I completely agree.

PP Coach here. Yeah, this. Mistakes are mad on all sides. On ALL sides.

We need to move on. I tell my players to say "I'm not looking backward I'm moving forward".

My player might be too aggressive in approaching a girl because he's aKID. Your daughter might be too uptight because she's a KID. My player's teammates shouldn't blackball the girl because she doesn't eve know yet that she needs to loosen up.

And your daughter shouldn't mess up my player's chances with other girls because it's like the weight room. Just as he's not squatting 500 as a sophomore, he's not knowing how to hit on girls the way he will as a senior. He learns from his mistakes, just like on the field. So cut him a break.

Don't you think it's more important to teach your players (who are bizarrely the only students you seem to be concerned about) that "no means no," and that you treat all people (including girls they like, even if they aren't interested in him) with respect?

[Anonymous]

Coach PP is obviously a troll. As an aside though a coach or teacher who is aware of behavior that is harassing or assualtive has a duty to report it to the appropriate school authorities. If it reaches that level, a report must be made to state/law enforcement authorities. A coach who fails to appropriate action will find themselves out of work and on the wrong end of a lawsuit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cautionary tale. Straight from today's headlines:

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2017/09/university_of_rochester_professor_s_alleged_sexual_harassment_of_students.html

Backstory:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2017/09/she-was-a-rising-star-at-a-major-university-then-a-lecherous-professor-made-her-life-hell/

"Ignore it and hope he gets bored and moves on to someone else" is not a strategy.

We need to teach our daughters that "no" means no. They need to state their boundaries and desires clearly (as OP's daughter did), and If a boy or a man does not hear and respect their boundaries, it's time to escalate until they change their behavior

Harassment only gets worse unless women address it directly and aggressively. Help your daughter take this up with the school - a counselor or the assistant principal or principal.

She told him no, and he will not let it go. Time to involve others. Sooner rather than later.

We need to teach everyone that no means no. It's good for people who are being harassed to know what to do. But it's even better for people to not harass in the first place.

I agree. Several of the girls at my son's school are extremely aggressive and won't take no for an answer. They have thrown themselves at my son and other boys, and send them lewd texts/snaps. Even after being told, "I'm not interested," they keep it up. After reading these posts, I'm realizing it's time to report them to the administration.

Yes, it definitely is!

I'm the poster above who said we need to teach our girls that no means no.

I focused on the girls not to suggest that boys don't need to learn this, too. Quite the opposite. EVERYONE needs to learn this and be held accountable. Including the girls that seem to be throwing themselves at your son and not respecting his boundaries and requests to be left alone.

The reason I focused on girls in particular is this: Too many girls somehow pick up the message along the way that boys (or men) won't listen to them anyway. It's like they're somehow getting a defeatist message -- that this is just the way it is. They shouldn't expect boys/men to respect their boundaries and their "no" -- they have to figure out other ways around it (like avoiding the harasser or putting up with things while presventing them from getting too far out of hand.)

That's just so completely, 100% false. We need to raise our girls to expect to be resepcted. To know that it's their right as human beings -- just like for our boys. If someone is doing something they don't like or don't want, then they need to SPEAK UP. They deserve better, and they can and should use their voice to get better.

This is what upset me the most in the University of Rochester situation linked above. Yes, of course, it sucked that this professor was a chronic harasser. But to me, what sucked even more was the advice the graduate student got from her mentors. They seemed to tell her this was normal . . . yes, it sucked, but it's what she should expect anywhere she goes. That's just the way male professors often are.

By giving her that advice, her mentors unintentionally normalized completely unacceptable behavior, and they set her up to think she wouldn't be respected and things wouldn't improve if she complained or reported him, so she decided not to bother. Tragic on top of tragic, as far as I'm concerned.

So yes, of course, we should treat our boys that "no means no". We should teach them that so they respect other people's boundaries and also so they feel properly entitled to defend their own.

But I do think this is still especially important for our daughters. It's why I would never tell my daughter to rely on her father or older brother to throw his weight around to defend her in a situation like this. She has a voice. She has a right and a path to speak to the school administrators herself. And then the superintendent, etc., if she exhausts her school resources (counselor, asst principal and principal) and feels that they have not taken her concerns seriously. Teach her to keep going until she gets what she needs to feel safe. She is entitled to no less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said this kid is popular, which to me indicates he's potentially an alpha who has never been told no and doesn't really know how to handle that, so he is acting out without fear of consequences. Think Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise who seems to have made it into his 30s acting like this - what a douche.

I'd think that if your daughter firmly told him to get lost (as you say she did) and then actually ignores him he will stop. But my fear is that his friends might then be jerks to her, or some popular girls in his circle (who might like him) would be mean to your daughter in retaliation to her/solidarity with him. Keep an eye out for this, and have her trust in her friends for comfort and back up. Try your best to stay in the loop and check in with her. And go full on momma bear if something goes awry.

I'm a football coach and guidance counselor, so I have a lot of experience working with all sides on what they can do better in working with each other.

Your guidance counselor should work with the young man to help him understand he can back off with respect, that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. The counselor can also help him understand that it's your daughter's loss if she can't figure out why she's making a mistake. I know you might not think it's a mistake, but we got to work from the young man's perspective.

I do want your daughter to think about what she's really communicating to the young man. Is she cutting down his manhood in her rejection, rather than owning her actions?

I had a great, great player who went on to play FCS-level ball in college at a ranked program. He ended up marrying a really fantastic woman coed he met there.

But, you know, he was a talented but coltish high school sophomore back in the day. Now, even then he was a heck of a player, and left it all on the field. But at that age he was a sensitive kid.

So anyway, he developed a crush on a hot senior cheerleader. Now we always use kids' circumstances as motivational fuel. If a kid thinks getting a TD and getting to the 'ship is going to get him some action, then he's gonna play better.

But this chick was just too hot, and had been around the block. She wasn't dating one of my underclassmen no matter how much potential he has. But she was pretty cruel in how she blew him off. He kept trying to prove himself to her, much like this young man is doing with your DD. Since even as a sophomore he was a critical player for us, we took a lot of time helping him work through this and get over her. To this day I think we would have pulled out the semifinal if we had had just a little more time to game plan. But, you know, that's what you get when you choose to coach at this level.

Anyway Mom, show some compassion for this young man. Who knows--you might even find yourself watching him on your TV on Sundays in a few years .

...because he made Dateline as a notorious rapist?

LOL

I still think this so-called coach is a troll.

No one could be that much of a dumb cliche IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. Several of the girls at my son's school are extremely aggressive and won't take no for an answer. They have thrown themselves at my son and other boys, and send them lewd texts/snaps. Even after being told, "I'm not interested," they keep it up. After reading these posts, I'm realizing it's time to report them to the administration.

It's funny how we never describe boys as "throwing themselves" at girls.

Nonetheless, yes, if the girls are sending sexts to boys who don't want to receive them, that's harassment, and it needs to stop. No means no, for everyone.

It doesn't even have to be sexts. If a girl is continually pestering a boy to talk to her, date her, etc., as the boy in OP's scenario was, then she needs to be reported.

Agree 100%. My son has encountered some incredibly aggressive girls while in middle and high school. It's as if they think they can get away with actions that would have severe consequences if it they were boys doing the exact same things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

And the violent consequences for noncompliance that it implies.

Because boys/men only have to heed a "no" from a girl/woman when her male relatives promise violent consequences for non-heeding? What kind of a world do you live in? Evidently not one where women have their own agency.

If this was happening to my daughter, I wouldn't spend two seconds thinking about the world we live in. I would do what works, and has worked for years. And my DH and DS would be only too happy to step in. The girl tried to do it herself and it didn't work so time to get help. I'm not running a damn social experiment when my child is at stake.

+1,000,000