Boy is pursuing my DD and won't leave her alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he has special needs. She says he's part of the "popular" crowd and he contacts her at least 10 times a day via Snapchat and says stuff like, "you are so friggin hot , why won't you talk to me?" He also apparently has had his friends talk to her and they collectively were staring at her while she was doing some math homework during an open class period. She has PE with him, but no other classes. While I believe my daughter is very attractive, her best attribute is that she is brainy, strong-willed and has a pretty good head on her shoulders. I'm inclined to let her handle this on her own, but don't want it to get out of hand, and my husband is very upset.

WOW. This kid is clearly crossing boundaries.
He needs to be stopped!

[Anonymous]

The other reason this boy needs to be put in his place, pronto, is that "bro" sense of entitlement. She's so hot, so why won't she talk to HIM? In an ideal world, she'd be the one to put him in his place, but even adult women sometimes need some help learning the assertiveness required to do this, let alone a teen girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The other reason this boy needs to be put in his place, pronto, is that "bro" sense of entitlement. She's so hot, so why won't she talk to HIM? In an ideal world, she'd be the one to put him in his place, but even adult women sometimes need some help learning the assertiveness required to do this, let alone a teen girl.

Agree. Also, kudos to her for not being swayed by his "compliments." Some kids would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kudos to your DD for letting you know this is going on. He needs to be told to STOP! No need for a big conversation, just some clear communication. I would have a friend within earshot to witness. If and when he snap chats, save it and then report to the administration. Good luck and please check back with us.

I suggested a clear, authoritative STOP IT in person communication to make him understand your DD is serious. (This conversation should not be done via text). If the OP believes that the GC needs to be in the loop, that is okay. I worry that going to the administration as a first step could make this boy escalate due to embarrassment etc. I realize you don't care about his feelings, but think about the end goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kudos to your DD for letting you know this is going on. He needs to be told to STOP! No need for a big conversation, just some clear communication. I would have a friend within earshot to witness. If and when he snap chats, save it and then report to the administration. Good luck and please check back with us.

I suggested a clear, authoritative STOP IT in person communication to make him understand your DD is serious. (This conversation should not be done via text). If the OP believes that the GC needs to be in the loop, that is okay. I worry that going to the administration as a first step could make this boy escalate due to embarrassment etc. I realize you don't care about his feelings, but think about the end goal.

NP. This is what I worry about too, but someone at the school should be informed because this is harassment and scary.

[Anonymous]

Her friends, especially boys, should be told to be aware that he is creeping on her so they can keep an eye out for her.

[Anonymous]

have larla pull larlo asside...before gym or right after school

"larlo, you are probably a nice guy outside of school and away from your other friends, but you are acting like a real asshole at school and on snapchat, you need to stop. NOW. I'm not interested in you."

I would also have her back up this by saying STOP to his latest snap chat. and do a screen shot of the text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Snapchat blocking would get rid of some of this, but she still sees him daily. Blocking and confrontation sounds reasonable to me, I think it's easier said than done at this age. But she needs to learn this lesson, too. I'm just really stunned at how persistent he seems to be.

Something similar is happening to my 8th grade daughter and she just blocked the guy from her Snapchat. Yes, she has to see him at school, but blocking him sent an immediate message and I think now he's embarrassed. She ignores him when she sees him in person.

She needs to block him from Snapchat and block him from seeing any other social media and IGNORE at school, which means no smiling at him,
No paying any attention to him. If that doesn't work, then let her friends know she isn't interested so they can tell her. If that doesn't work, then she should tell him herself.
Then if all those don't work, convince her to talk to the counselor to get help.

So basically go th

I think he is 1. Clueless and thinks he can change her mind or 2. So full of himself that he thinks he can change her mind.

[Anonymous]

^^ So basically go through logical steps to stop his behavior. I bet he willl give up after step 1.

[Anonymous]

Document everything.
Block him on social media.
Tell him to stop. Unequivocally.
Continue to document.

If he doesn't back off, then she really does need to escalate by informing someone at the school. This guy is absolutely disrespecting her by ignoring her expressed wishes, and people who disregard boundaries like that might we ll escalate if they are really told no, to test the no and see if they can't overcome it.

And above all, make sure that your daughter knows that you have her back on this.

[Anonymous]

Document, block, say no--and repeat. Let you DD know that you and your DH support her, and that you will stand with her against this inappropriate.

My DD was brought to a suicide attempt by sustained harassment that started like this, directed at her by two different young men.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks to all for your replies and concern. Last night DD told him in no uncertain terms she was not interested. Today, we discussed blocking him and why that was a better approach than just ignoring. She agreed, and I said the next step would be to tell him in person that no means no (those suggesting the possibility of ADHD issues make a good point.) After that, I said she would need to talk to a counselor, as I am sure they have dealt with these issues before. There was some resistance to this idea, but I'm trying to get across the notion that this may come up again in her life, and she should learn the correct way to handle it. In the past, she has spoken to counselors about bullying, and that was resolved effectively by her taking charge. I think we were all thrown a bit, as it's just the second week of high school, and everyone is getting their footing, so I didn't want to go into the admin with guns a blazing (but I will if I have to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is where a strong dad can create a boundary. Your DH is upset because this (protection) is his primal role and he can't fulfill it thanks to our crazy culture that thinks a young girl should handle this all herself (ie. your DD thinks this). Can dad pick her up from school one day; be visible?

Also, make sure she does not accidentally give the boy intermittent reinforcement (this often happens if one is trying to be polite or not rude, but it can backfire).

Also google "extinction burst" because the boy will go through this first before quitting, and she should be ready for this.

I really think you guys need to talk to the school admin (psychologist if they have one). This needs to be on record. I'm sure they've dealt with this before (maybe even from this particular kid) and they need to be on notice. It takes a village to protect a young girl/boy in this situation.

Your first paragraph is bizarre. What "primal" role would you have fathers play?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am uncomfortable reading this. Young men need to find out loud and clear that no means no and while I am sure you mean well, I don't think you are teaching your daughter not to tolerate it. She needs to block him, the school needs to betold, and his parents need to be told. This is harassment. This is the beginning of what could turn into sexual assault for someone if this boy isn't taught to stop. If it were my daughter I would be all over this and if she didn't like it, too bad. We adults need to model that harassment of females is NOT okay. As a teacher, I would want to know this was going on to allow everyone to feel safe. If it were my son, I would be horrified and would want to correct him so no woman ever gets attacked or killed because he didn't know what know to respect no for an answer.

As a male, what this guy is doing is nothing to what the girls did to me at that age. The girls are much worst.

Op make sure you know what your DD wants. Does she want the attention to stop, does she think this is flirting or creepy, is she asking for help in handling the situation or advice, does she want you involved, etc. If your daughter wants it to stop, she needs to tell the guy he is creeping her out and to stop. She is not interested in him. If he does not stop at that point, something maybe wrong with him. You will need to go to the school admin and get them to take action. This could cause the situation to get more intense, so you will have to stay on top of it. If the genders are reserved, there is nothing the guy can do. People just do not think it is a problem.

.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks to all for your replies and concern. Last night DD told him in no uncertain terms she was not interested. Today, we discussed blocking him and why that was a better approach than just ignoring. She agreed, and I said the next step would be to tell him in person that no means no (those suggesting the possibility of ADHD issues make a good point.) After that, I said she would need to talk to a counselor, as I am sure they have dealt with these issues before. There was some resistance to this idea, but I'm trying to get across the notion that this may come up again in her life, and she should learn the correct way to handle it. In the past, she has spoken to counselors about bullying, and that was resolved effectively by her taking charge. I think we were all thrown a bit, as it's just the second week of high school, and everyone is getting their footing, so I didn't want to go into the admin with guns a blazing (but I will if I have to).

fine, op, but I think you or another PP mentioned that he can see when she's read his texts (like on texts, depending on whom I've texted and how their phone is set up, you can see "Read at 10:14" or something like that. Even if that's an automatic reply, the brain interprets it as positive feedback. That's not good because not only is it positive feedback, but it's intermittent reinforcement as she is not replying. So she needs to do whatever to make sure he does not get the "Read" message.