Boy is pursuing my DD and won't leave her alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Definitely. Show her it's the men who run the show, she just has to have the right men do it for her.


JFC, you're pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well sometimes your own agency is enough and sometimes you need muscle. How terrible that this girl would know that her father would protect her. She is a child you know. SHe's in 9th grade so she's like 14 not 24!

It seems to be very important to that PP that the protecting be done specifically and exclusively by the father.

Not the PP, but why is it ok for OP to "go full on momma bear" (per another PP), but not ok for the father to do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have her remind him stalking is also an offense covering juveniles with appropriate juvenile court penal sanctions

Please have her say it exactly like this. And report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well sometimes your own agency is enough and sometimes you need muscle. How terrible that this girl would know that her father would protect her. She is a child you know. SHe's in 9th grade so she's like 14 not 24!

It seems to be very important to that PP that the protecting be done specifically and exclusively by the father.

Not the PP, but why is it ok for OP to "go full on momma bear" (per another PP), but not ok for the father to do the same?

It's not OK for either of them--this is still a child we're talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well sometimes your own agency is enough and sometimes you need muscle. How terrible that this girl would know that her father would protect her. She is a child you know. SHe's in 9th grade so she's like 14 not 24!

It seems to be very important to that PP that the protecting be done specifically and exclusively by the father.

Not the PP, but why is it ok for OP to "go full on momma bear" (per another PP), but not ok for the father to do the same?

It's not OK for either of them--this is still a child we're talking about.

Some of the PPs were advocating for the mother to report the boy to admin, or the mother to confront him. But when another PP brought up the father doing the same thing, everyone was aghast. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am uncomfortable reading this. Young men need to find out loud and clear that no means no and while I am sure you mean well, I don't think you are teaching your daughter not to tolerate it. She needs to block him, the school needs to betold, and his parents need to be told. This is harassment. This is the beginning of what could turn into sexual assault for someone if this boy isn't taught to stop. If it were my daughter I would be all over this and if she didn't like it, too bad. We adults need to model that harassment of females is NOT okay. As a teacher, I would want to know this was going on to allow everyone to feel safe. If it were my son, I would be horrified and would want to correct him so no woman ever gets attacked or killed because he didn't know what know to respect no for an answer.

As a male, what this guy is doing is nothing to what the girls did to me at that age. The girls are much worst.

Op make sure you know what your DD wants. Does she want the attention to stop, does she think this is flirting or creepy, is she asking for help in handling the situation or advice, does she want you involved, etc. If your daughter wants it to stop, she needs to tell the guy he is creeping her out and to stop. She is not interested in him. If he does not stop at that point, something maybe wrong with him. You will need to go to the school admin and get them to take action. This could cause the situation to get more intense, so you will have to stay on top of it. If the genders are reserved, there is nothing the guy can do. People just do not think it is a problem.

.

THIS is so, so true. There was a girl who had a *HUGE* crush on my son. He liked her as a friend, but that was it. They were in the same circle of friends, etc. and one night, after a group outing to the movies, he drove her home. In the car, she said, "So, does this mean we're dating?" He replied, "NO! We're not dating!" He did admit to me that he might have said it too forcefully, but she had been quite clingy and irritating, so he lost his temper a bit. She freaked out. After he got home, this girl's sister called him and chewed him out for being so "mean" and "cruel" and then the girl got all her girlfriends to hate my son. Simply because he told her, unequivocally, that they were not dating.

Let's reverse the genders here. If a girl had told the boy, "NO! We're not dating!" you all would be cheering. But I suspect many of you will be outraged that my son had the nerve to say that to a girl.

Not me. What your son said was fine. I'm sorry the girl's sister was a jerk but that doesn't mean there is some universal double-standard for saying, "We're not dating." And women get hated on (or worse) by rejected men's guy-friends all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

Unfortunately, in some cases, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you said this kid is popular, which to me indicates he's potentially an alpha who has never been told no and doesn't really know how to handle that, so he is acting out without fear of consequences. Think Daniel on Bachelor in Paradise who seems to have made it into his 30s acting like this - what a douche.

I'd think that if your daughter firmly told him to get lost (as you say she did) and then actually ignores him he will stop. But my fear is that his friends might then be jerks to her, or some popular girls in his circle (who might like him) would be mean to your daughter in retaliation to her/solidarity with him. Keep an eye out for this, and have her trust in her friends for comfort and back up. Try your best to stay in the loop and check in with her. And go full on momma bear if something goes awry.

I'm a football coach and guidance counselor, so I have a lot of experience working with all sides on what they can do better in working with each other.

Your guidance counselor should work with the young man to help him understand he can back off with respect, that there are plenty of fishes in the sea. The counselor can also help him understand that it's your daughter's loss if she can't figure out why she's making a mistake. I know you might not think it's a mistake, but we got to work from the young man's perspective.

I do want your daughter to think about what she's really communicating to the young man. Is she cutting down his manhood in her rejection, rather than owning her actions?

I had a great, great player who went on to play FCS-level ball in college at a ranked program. He ended up marrying a really fantastic woman coed he met there.

But, you know, he was a talented but coltish high school sophomore back in the day. Now, even then he was a heck of a player, and left it all on the field. But at that age he was a sensitive kid.

So anyway, he developed a crush on a hot senior cheerleader. Now we always use kids' circumstances as motivational fuel. If a kid thinks getting a TD and getting to the 'ship is going to get him some action, then he's gonna play better.

But this chick was just too hot, and had been around the block. She wasn't dating one of my underclassmen no matter how much potential he has. But she was pretty cruel in how she blew him off. He kept trying to prove himself to her, much like this young man is doing with your DD. Since even as a sophomore he was a critical player for us, we took a lot of time helping him work through this and get over her. To this day I think we would have pulled out the semifinal if we had had just a little more time to game plan. But, you know, that's what you get when you choose to coach at this level.

Anyway Mom, show some compassion for this young man. Who knows--you might even find yourself watching him on your TV on Sundays in a few years .

O. M. F. G.

Please, please confess that this was a satirical post, written to poke fun at the stereotypical "boys will be boys" approach to coddling and enabling athletes.

There's no way anyone could be this genuinely moronic.

[Anonymous]

Cautionary tale. Straight from today's headlines:

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2017/09/university_of_rochester_professor_s_alleged_sexual_harassment_of_students.html

Backstory:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2017/09/she-was-a-rising-star-at-a-major-university-then-a-lecherous-professor-made-her-life-hell/

"Ignore it and hope he gets bored and moves on to someone else" is not a strategy.

We need to teach our daughters that "no" means no. They need to state their boundaries and desires clearly (as OP's daughter did), and If a boy or a man does not hear and respect their boundaries, it's time to escalate until they change their behavior

Harassment only gets worse unless women address it directly and aggressively. Help your daughter take this up with the school - a counselor or the assistant principal or principal.

She told him no, and he will not let it go. Time to involve others. Sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cautionary tale. Straight from today's headlines:

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2017/09/university_of_rochester_professor_s_alleged_sexual_harassment_of_students.html

Backstory:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2017/09/she-was-a-rising-star-at-a-major-university-then-a-lecherous-professor-made-her-life-hell/

"Ignore it and hope he gets bored and moves on to someone else" is not a strategy.

We need to teach our daughters that "no" means no. They need to state their boundaries and desires clearly (as OP's daughter did), and If a boy or a man does not hear and respect their boundaries, it's time to escalate until they change their behavior

Harassment only gets worse unless women address it directly and aggressively. Help your daughter take this up with the school - a counselor or the assistant principal or principal.

She told him no, and he will not let it go. Time to involve others. Sooner rather than later.

We need to teach everyone that no means no. It's good for people who are being harassed to know what to do. But it's even better for people to not harass in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well sometimes your own agency is enough and sometimes you need muscle. How terrible that this girl would know that her father would protect her. She is a child you know. SHe's in 9th grade so she's like 14 not 24!

It seems to be very important to that PP that the protecting be done specifically and exclusively by the father.

Not the PP, but why is it ok for OP to "go full on momma bear" (per another PP), but not ok for the father to do the same?

It's not OK for either of them--this is still a child we're talking about.

Some of the PPs were advocating for the mother to report the boy to admin, or the mother to confront him. But when another PP brought up the father doing the same thing, everyone was aghast. Why is that?

I suspect it is an intuitive reaction about motivation. We're not really in a place, yet, as society where the concept of wives and daughters being a form of property for patriarchs has been completely banished, so the notion that it would be the FATHER doing the protecting strikes some people as archaic and sexist since in times past, that guarding would have been rooted in protecting his own interests, not those of his child's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

And the violent consequences for noncompliance that it implies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am uncomfortable reading this. Young men need to find out loud and clear that no means no and while I am sure you mean well, I don't think you are teaching your daughter not to tolerate it. She needs to block him, the school needs to betold, and his parents need to be told. This is harassment. This is the beginning of what could turn into sexual assault for someone if this boy isn't taught to stop. If it were my daughter I would be all over this and if she didn't like it, too bad. We adults need to model that harassment of females is NOT okay. As a teacher, I would want to know this was going on to allow everyone to feel safe. If it were my son, I would be horrified and would want to correct him so no woman ever gets attacked or killed because he didn't know what know to respect no for an answer.

As a male, what this guy is doing is nothing to what the girls did to me at that age. The girls are much worst.

Op make sure you know what your DD wants. Does she want the attention to stop, does she think this is flirting or creepy, is she asking for help in handling the situation or advice, does she want you involved, etc. If your daughter wants it to stop, she needs to tell the guy he is creeping her out and to stop. She is not interested in him. If he does not stop at that point, something maybe wrong with him. You will need to go to the school admin and get them to take action. This could cause the situation to get more intense, so you will have to stay on top of it. If the genders are reserved, there is nothing the guy can do. People just do not think it is a problem.

.

THIS is so, so true. There was a girl who had a *HUGE* crush on my son. He liked her as a friend, but that was it. They were in the same circle of friends, etc. and one night, after a group outing to the movies, he drove her home. In the car, she said, "So, does this mean we're dating?" He replied, "NO! We're not dating!" He did admit to me that he might have said it too forcefully, but she had been quite clingy and irritating, so he lost his temper a bit. She freaked out. After he got home, this girl's sister called him and chewed him out for being so "mean" and "cruel" and then the girl got all her girlfriends to hate my son. Simply because he told her, unequivocally, that they were not dating.

Let's reverse the genders here. If a girl had told the boy, "NO! We're not dating!" you all would be cheering. But I suspect many of you will be outraged that my son had the nerve to say that to a girl.

No, let's not. I'm sorry this happened to your son, but the scenario you describe is not typical. You cannot project it more broadly. On the other hand, the scenario of the unrelenting male admirer/stalker is quite common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

And the violent consequences for noncompliance that it implies.

Because boys/men only have to heed a "no" from a girl/woman when her male relatives promise violent consequences for non-heeding? What kind of a world do you live in? Evidently not one where women have their own agency.