Boy is pursuing my DD and won't leave her alone

[Anonymous]

My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

I'm ignorant about snapchat -- can she block him? is it socially viable to delete her account?

Anyway, it's important to affirm to her that his behavior is totally unacceptable and that you support her, are willing to talk to school / his parents, etc. He is stalking and it's not okay.

You don't give a lot of details but try to figure out whether he is saying anything hurtful / embarrassing (puts her at a higher risk of suicide), or that is escalating to the point he might be a physical threat to her.

I understand that you don't want to make this a huge deal, but she's very young and you have the right/responsibility to involve the school if that's what needs to happen. I have had a romantic stalker (think, along the lines of that piano-playing creeper who was in the news recently) and it's awful.

[Anonymous]

We can't tell if you are being too sensitive or he's being a stalker. How many times does he contact her, and is it only via social media? Does this boy appear to have special needs (like she knows he goes to resource class, or something)?

[Anonymous]

I don't think he has special needs. She says he's part of the "popular" crowd and he contacts her at least 10 times a day via Snapchat and says stuff like, "you are so friggin hot , why won't you talk to me?" He also apparently has had his friends talk to her and they collectively were staring at her while she was doing some math homework during an open class period. She has PE with him, but no other classes. While I believe my daughter is very attractive, her best attribute is that she is brainy, strong-willed and has a pretty good head on her shoulders. I'm inclined to let her handle this on her own, but don't want it to get out of hand, and my husband is very upset.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, you're right, he needs to be told that:
1. he's making your daughter uncomfortable
2. this is not the way to talk to women
3. no means no, he needs to stop.

Can she walk up boldly to him and tell him those things at the start or end of PE? Then if he laughs it off and congratulates himself on having made her do that, off she goes to lodge a formal complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm, you're right, he needs to be told that:
1. he's making your daughter uncomfortable
2. this is not the way to talk to women
3. no means no, he needs to stop.

Can she walk up boldly to him and tell him those things at the start or end of PE? Then if he laughs it off and congratulates himself on having made her do that, off she goes to lodge a formal complaint.

I like the idea of her approaching him (if she's willing) to say, "I don't like the messages you send me on snapchat, stop it." But I'm too out of touch with HS life to know if saying this in front of his friends will cause his behavior to escalate.

I was going to suggest this:
https://www.howtogeek.com/291532/how-to-block-someone-on-snapchat/

[Anonymous]

High school is not any different from all other situations. You walk up to someone and tell them what you need. 99% of the time, you'll make progress.

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't she block him on Snapchat or simply stay off of Snapchat?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Snapchat blocking would get rid of some of this, but she still sees him daily. Blocking and confrontation sounds reasonable to me, I think it's easier said than done at this age. But she needs to learn this lesson, too. I'm just really stunned at how persistent he seems to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Snapchat blocking would get rid of some of this, but she still sees him daily. Blocking and confrontation sounds reasonable to me, I think it's easier said than done at this age. But she needs to learn this lesson, too. I'm just really stunned at how persistent he seems to be.

He's watched the wrong movies, or has a hidden ADHD-type disability that makes him inappropriately persistent. In which case it's even more important for him to learn his lesson now and not on campus in much more dangerous circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Snapchat blocking would get rid of some of this, but she still sees him daily. Blocking and confrontation sounds reasonable to me, I think it's easier said than done at this age. But she needs to learn this lesson, too. I'm just really stunned at how persistent he seems to be.

Something similar is happening to my 8th grade daughter and she just blocked the guy from her Snapchat. Yes, she has to see him at school, but blocking him sent an immediate message and I think now he's embarrassed. She ignores him when she sees him in person.

[Anonymous]

I am uncomfortable reading this. Young men need to find out loud and clear that no means no and while I am sure you mean well, I don't think you are teaching your daughter not to tolerate it. She needs to block him, the school needs to betold, and his parents need to be told. This is harassment. This is the beginning of what could turn into sexual assault for someone if this boy isn't taught to stop. If it were my daughter I would be all over this and if she didn't like it, too bad. We adults need to model that harassment of females is NOT okay. As a teacher, I would want to know this was going on to allow everyone to feel safe. If it were my son, I would be horrified and would want to correct him so no woman ever gets attacked or killed because he didn't know what know to respect no for an answer.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. He sounds like a date rapist in the making. She should block him and tell him in person that he's making her uncomfortable. Maybe she can talk to the school counselor without naming names, to get some advice.

[Anonymous]

Meant to add that she should tell him not in front of his friends.

[Anonymous]

This is where a strong dad can create a boundary. Your DH is upset because this (protection) is his primal role and he can't fulfill it thanks to our crazy culture that thinks a young girl should handle this all herself (ie. your DD thinks this). Can dad pick her up from school one day; be visible?

Also, make sure she does not accidentally give the boy intermittent reinforcement (this often happens if one is trying to be polite or not rude, but it can backfire).

Also google "extinction burst" because the boy will go through this first before quitting, and she should be ready for this.

I really think you guys need to talk to the school admin (psychologist if they have one). This needs to be on record. I'm sure they've dealt with this before (maybe even from this particular kid) and they need to be on notice. It takes a village to protect a young girl/boy in this situation.