Boy is pursuing my DD and won't leave her alone

[Anonymous]

He sounds creepy! Block him on all social media and avoid him at all costs. We had a group of predatory boys (mostly upper classmen) when I was in high school who would scope out all of the new girls. I either avoided them (joining a group in the hall as I passed them) or never ever walked the halls alone. This sounds like it can get out of hand unless something is done. Honestly, it makes so uncomfortable that I might even need to approach the administrators. She should start documenting how often it is happening and personally (and privately) tell him that she doesn't like the attention. If it escalates from there then a meeting might need to be had with AP or Dean and his parents to discuss what is essentially sexual harassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Snapchat blocking would get rid of some of this, but she still sees him daily. Blocking and confrontation sounds reasonable to me, I think it's easier said than done at this age. But she needs to learn this lesson, too. I'm just really stunned at how persistent he seems to be.

He's watched the wrong movies, or has a hidden ADHD-type disability that makes him inappropriately persistent. In which case it's even more important for him to learn his lesson now and not on campus in much more dangerous circumstances.

New poster here. My son has ADHD and he's not in high school yet, but he gets this persistent about other things. I can totally see him being persistent with the dating thing and NOT getting the social cue that ignoring means "leave me alone."

For my son, telling him firmly and directly would work. actually that's probably the only thing that would work...

[Anonymous]

He can see on snapchat when she reads his messages -
Is it possible that he is mistaking this for validation?

I agree the answer is to block him totally on social media.

[Anonymous]

I'm a mom of a 16 year old boy, and I'm pretty pissed off that this is going on. Who the hell does this kid think he is REPREATEDLY saying "I think you're friggin' hot. Why won't you talk to me?" As if he has a right to?!? As if she owes him a conversation because he's turned on by her?!? And then sending friends over. And then staring at her. That's intimidation. There's nothing cute or okay about that.

If I knew my son was any part of this type of nonsense, he would not hear the end of it.

Give your daughter a day to handle this on her own by blocking him on Snapchat. But that's it. Any other attempts after that by this kid or his friends to contact her or make her feel uncomfortable need to be addressed seriously by school administrators. This is harassment. No student should be made to feel uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Boy parent here: please encourage your daughter to recognize that this behavior is absolutely unacceptable. That needs to be the starting point for a plan to make sure it stops ASAP.

She should have input and primary control over the initial phases of the plan -- perhaps try to block him on Snapchat and practice statements to make to his friends who approach her about curtailing the harassment. But she also needs to hear from you as her parents that if the harassment doesn't stop, you are ready to step in on her behalf. Even if your daughter doesn't want to "report" this, she/you might want to consider talking to the school counselor to get general advice -- my son had an issue last year with threatening texts and the school administrators were really helpful in helping us figure out a response. They've seen it all before, unfortunately.

I'm probably a bit naive, because my oldest is only in 8th grade and still relates to girls only as friends, but I find the persistence and crudeness of this 9th grade boy pretty shocking. I know, kids can't be sophisticated at this stage of life, but he obviously needs better guidance on how to interact with women.

[Anonymous]

Op, you're skirting close to shirking your duty as a parent by deferring to your 9th grade daughter. She needs your help to make this stop. You're husband is very upset with good reason.

[Anonymous]

*shirking

[Anonymous]

I disagree with those saying you need to step in ASAP. Your daughter will deal with this shit again and again. Is she going to have her daddy come intimidate her tinder dates so they don't try anything? No. The sad truth is that she will need the skillset to say "No" and mean it. BUT, that IS a skillset and I think you need to talk that through with her clearly.

1) She needs to document his messages. A day or two of 10 messages per day documented is plenty to show that he was overly involved in messaging her.

2) She needs to set him a Snapchat message (so that it is private and not embarrassing for him, which might cause him to escalate, but she does not need to talk to him privately in person), and save her message before sending (so that she can demonstrate that she clearly asked him to back off on X date), where she says clearly and explicitly. "I am not interested in you and you are making me uncomfortable. Do not approach me again online or in person."

3) She needs to block him on Snapchat.

4) She needs to tell SOMEONE at the school. This can be their shared teacher, a guidance counselor or the principal or VP, but she needs to tell someone in a position of authority that this person has crossed some lines and that she has clearly asked him not to contact her again. The point here is for her to learn that you get someone involved, because if he decides to escalate after she blocks him, it will be in the physical space of the school, and she will need backup. Explain that telling them means that she has the credibility to come to them if/when he does become a physical threat.

A big problem for a lot of women in these situations is failure to document, which leads to them being ignored or not believed. So she needs to document and put it on the record with someone in authority.

[Anonymous]

This situation is potentially dangerous. If not to your DD, to future girls. The HS culture is one in which people try avoiding authorities; no one wants to be a Narc (in my 1980's terminology). So, he can continue harassing her -- and this is sexual harassment. As this boy knows no boundaries, I hate to think what would happen on a date.

She needs to say, emphatically, NO MEANS NO. If that does not work, she needs to take steps to protect herself. This is a title IX violation, if ignored.

-- a guy.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to your DD for letting you know this is going on. He needs to be told to STOP! No need for a big conversation, just some clear communication. I would have a friend within earshot to witness. If and when he snapchats, save it and then report to the administration. Good luck and please check back with us.

[Anonymous]

I had a very macho protective dad who chased boys off and was still sexually assaulted at 14 by someone who waited until my dad wasn't around. Your DD needs to learn how to help keep herself safe and what authorities at school can assist her.

[Anonymous]

I'm 28, use Snapchat/other social media, and had a similar experience when I was in grad school. There was an undergrad in my dept who was nonstop pestering me on social media and would make little comments in person. I blocked him on everything and he called me out on campus soon after. All I said was "go f--k yourself" and walked away. It was in front of all of his friends, and it stopped. I guess it finally embarrassed him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is where a strong dad can create a boundary. Your DH is upset because this (protection) is his primal role and he can't fulfill it thanks to our crazy culture that thinks a young girl should handle this all herself (ie. your DD thinks this). Can dad pick her up from school one day; be visible?

Also, make sure she does not accidentally give the boy intermittent reinforcement (this often happens if one is trying to be polite or not rude, but it can backfire).

Also google "extinction burst" because the boy will go through this first before quitting, and she should be ready for this.

I really think you guys need to talk to the school admin (psychologist if they have one). This needs to be on record. I'm sure they've dealt with this before (maybe even from this particular kid) and they need to be on notice. It takes a village to protect a young girl/boy in this situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

The friend part is just creepy, and suggests something more than just a kid who doesn't know how to act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he has special needs. She says he's part of the "popular" crowd and he contacts her at least 10 times a day via Snapchat and says stuff like, "you are so friggin hot , why won't you talk to me?" He also apparently has had his friends talk to her and they collectively were staring at her while she was doing some math homework during an open class period. She has PE with him, but no other classes. While I believe my daughter is very attractive, her best attribute is that she is brainy, strong-willed and has a pretty good head on her shoulders. I'm inclined to let her handle this on her own, but don't want it to get out of hand, and my husband is very upset.

Ok, I don't say this lightly, but this is textbook harassment. Change the setting again and put it in a professional workplace. If a woman's colleague was doing/saying these things to her, she would absolutely involve HR and appropriately so. This is no different. And for those who will say they are kids, yes, it needs to be treated like a teaching opportunity (for her and for him). Sustained unwelcomed advances usually do require intervention from a third party, usually someone with authority. I think you need to explain this to her in these terms. By the way, he needs to be told when it's shut down that ANY retaliation in ANY form will reflect directly on him (since, really, no one else has any business knowing anything unless he runs his mouth) and will constitute an escalation of serious consequences.

Signed, a Dad with a similar problem (a 12 year old being aggressively pursued by a 16 year-old boy).