Boy is pursuing my DD and won't leave her alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

THIS is so, so true. There was a girl who had a *HUGE* crush on my son. He liked her as a friend, but that was it. They were in the same circle of friends, etc. and one night, after a group outing to the movies, he drove her home. In the car, she said, "So, does this mean we're dating?" He replied, "NO! We're not dating!" He did admit to me that he might have said it too forcefully, but she had been quite clingy and irritating, so he lost his temper a bit. She freaked out. After he got home, this girl's sister called him and chewed him out for being so "mean" and "cruel" and then the girl got all her girlfriends to hate my son. Simply because he told her, unequivocally, that they were not dating.

Let's reverse the genders here. If a girl had told the boy, "NO! We're not dating!" you all would be cheering. But I suspect many of you will be outraged that my son had the nerve to say that to a girl.

Why on earth would I be outraged that your son answered, "NO! We're not dating!" in answer to the question, "So, does this mean we're dating?"

And I'll go further -- getting your friends to harass a person because that person didn't want to go out with you is wrong, regardless of the genders involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

And the violent consequences for noncompliance that it implies.

Because boys/men only have to heed a "no" from a girl/woman when her male relatives promise violent consequences for non-heeding? What kind of a world do you live in? Evidently not one where women have their own agency.

That's not the point. If a girl or woman could intimidate a boy or man into leaving her alone, she would. As a teen, I was in a similar situation and was so grateful to my brother and his friends for scaring the boy into leaving me alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That's not the point. If a girl or woman could intimidate a boy or man into leaving her alone, she would. As a teen, I was in a similar situation and was so grateful to my brother and his friends for scaring the boy into leaving me alone.

I'm sorry that you were stuck in a bad situation where you thought that your only option was to have your brother and his friends scare the boy. I hope that kids today have a better range of options. For one thing, not everybody has a brother, let alone a scary brother with scary friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cautionary tale. Straight from today's headlines:

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2017/09/university_of_rochester_professor_s_alleged_sexual_harassment_of_students.html

Backstory:

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2017/09/she-was-a-rising-star-at-a-major-university-then-a-lecherous-professor-made-her-life-hell/

"Ignore it and hope he gets bored and moves on to someone else" is not a strategy.

We need to teach our daughters that "no" means no. They need to state their boundaries and desires clearly (as OP's daughter did), and If a boy or a man does not hear and respect their boundaries, it's time to escalate until they change their behavior

Harassment only gets worse unless women address it directly and aggressively. Help your daughter take this up with the school - a counselor or the assistant principal or principal.

She told him no, and he will not let it go. Time to involve others. Sooner rather than later.

We need to teach everyone that no means no. It's good for people who are being harassed to know what to do. But it's even better for people to not harass in the first place.

I agree. Several of the girls at my son's school are extremely aggressive and won't take no for an answer. They have thrown themselves at my son and other boys, and send them lewd texts/snaps. Even after being told, "I'm not interested," they keep it up. After reading these posts, I'm realizing it's time to report them to the administration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Well sometimes your own agency is enough and sometimes you need muscle. How terrible that this girl would know that her father would protect her. She is a child you know. SHe's in 9th grade so she's like 14 not 24!

It seems to be very important to that PP that the protecting be done specifically and exclusively by the father.

Not the PP, but why is it ok for OP to "go full on momma bear" (per another PP), but not ok for the father to do the same?

It's not OK for either of them--this is still a child we're talking about.

Some of the PPs were advocating for the mother to report the boy to admin, or the mother to confront him. But when another PP brought up the father doing the same thing, everyone was aghast. Why is that?

I suspect it is an intuitive reaction about motivation. We're not really in a place, yet, as society where the concept of wives and daughters being a form of property for patriarchs has been completely banished, so the notion that it would be the FATHER doing the protecting strikes some people as archaic and sexist since in times past, that guarding would have been rooted in protecting his own interests, not those of his child's.

Oh, FFS. Both my husband and I have every right to defend our kids. Why are you (and others) so focused on gender, to the exclusion of common sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am uncomfortable reading this. Young men need to find out loud and clear that no means no and while I am sure you mean well, I don't think you are teaching your daughter not to tolerate it. She needs to block him, the school needs to betold, and his parents need to be told. This is harassment. This is the beginning of what could turn into sexual assault for someone if this boy isn't taught to stop. If it were my daughter I would be all over this and if she didn't like it, too bad. We adults need to model that harassment of females is NOT okay. As a teacher, I would want to know this was going on to allow everyone to feel safe. If it were my son, I would be horrified and would want to correct him so no woman ever gets attacked or killed because he didn't know what know to respect no for an answer.

As a male, what this guy is doing is nothing to what the girls did to me at that age. The girls are much worst.

Op make sure you know what your DD wants. Does she want the attention to stop, does she think this is flirting or creepy, is she asking for help in handling the situation or advice, does she want you involved, etc. If your daughter wants it to stop, she needs to tell the guy he is creeping her out and to stop. She is not interested in him. If he does not stop at that point, something maybe wrong with him. You will need to go to the school admin and get them to take action. This could cause the situation to get more intense, so you will have to stay on top of it. If the genders are reserved, there is nothing the guy can do. People just do not think it is a problem.

.

THIS is so, so true. There was a girl who had a *HUGE* crush on my son. He liked her as a friend, but that was it. They were in the same circle of friends, etc. and one night, after a group outing to the movies, he drove her home. In the car, she said, "So, does this mean we're dating?" He replied, "NO! We're not dating!" He did admit to me that he might have said it too forcefully, but she had been quite clingy and irritating, so he lost his temper a bit. She freaked out. After he got home, this girl's sister called him and chewed him out for being so "mean" and "cruel" and then the girl got all her girlfriends to hate my son. Simply because he told her, unequivocally, that they were not dating.

Let's reverse the genders here. If a girl had told the boy, "NO! We're not dating!" you all would be cheering. But I suspect many of you will be outraged that my son had the nerve to say that to a girl.

No, let's not. I'm sorry this happened to your son, but the scenario you describe is not typical. You cannot project it more broadly. On the other hand, the scenario of the unrelenting male admirer/stalker is quite common.

Oh, my. Do you have high school aged kids yet? Many of the girls are *at least* as aggressive/pushy as the boy OP describes. No longer are boys/men the only aggressors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. Several of the girls at my son's school are extremely aggressive and won't take no for an answer. They have thrown themselves at my son and other boys, and send them lewd texts/snaps. Even after being told, "I'm not interested," they keep it up. After reading these posts, I'm realizing it's time to report them to the administration.

It's funny how we never describe boys as "throwing themselves" at girls.

Nonetheless, yes, if the girls are sending sexts to boys who don't want to receive them, that's harassment, and it needs to stop. No means no, for everyone.

[Anonymous]

The vast majority of 14 year boys who are cringy at that age do not grow up to be rapists.

Most kids that age, boy and girl, at completely inexperienced when it comes to romantic gestures and starting and maintaining relationships. They all say and do really immature things, because they are immature. They tend to act based on what they have seen or heard at home, in movies / TV. Peer groups are still so important and trying to impress your friends is still front of mind. Kids are insecure, inexperienced and often inappropriate.

I worked in a high school an I can tell you the lack of respect goes both ways. Boys and girls both do things and say things and pursue each other in really disrespectful ways. They are often all trying to get their own needs met and don't really get how these new experiences are impacting the other. They have no sense of long term and are focused on the day.

In situations like this, I do think being direct is important. She should say, you are making me uncomfortable, please stop. Or you are more likely be get a girl to answer you if yoi respect them. After that just ignore him, act like he's invisible and see if that extinguishes it. I wouldn't invo Ke the school or parents yet. It has been less than a week. Kids this age need to start learning to speak for themselves and she has you to run things by for direction and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

And the violent consequences for noncompliance that it implies.

Because boys/men only have to heed a "no" from a girl/woman when her male relatives promise violent consequences for non-heeding? What kind of a world do you live in? Evidently not one where women have their own agency.

NP here - It's not really a question of the world that we live in, it's a question of the work that the kid believes he lives in. Isn't that obvious? I am all for teachable moments, both for this girl and her pursuer. But at some point, it's time to stop teaching and require that the borderline harassing behavior stop, immediately. The daughter has told this boy, repeatedly, that she's not interested. It hasn't worked (though it does appear that she could be more forceful, but isn't willing to). At some point, someone may have to intercede. The question is, who will have a better chance of getting through to the kid, a pissed off mother or a pissed off father? Like it or not, a 14 yo boy likely is going to take an angry man, with the implicit threat of physical violence, more seriously than an angry woman. It that right? No. It is unfortunate that simple requests aren't sufficient? Yes. Does he need to learn to respect women and their decisions? Of course. But there comes a point when the behavior just has to stop, and we need to be realistic about the best way to accomplish that. At that point, "the way things should work" really doesn't factor into things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. Several of the girls at my son's school are extremely aggressive and won't take no for an answer. They have thrown themselves at my son and other boys, and send them lewd texts/snaps. Even after being told, "I'm not interested," they keep it up. After reading these posts, I'm realizing it's time to report them to the administration.

It's funny how we never describe boys as "throwing themselves" at girls.

Nonetheless, yes, if the girls are sending sexts to boys who don't want to receive them, that's harassment, and it needs to stop. No means no, for everyone.

It doesn't even have to be sexts. If a girl is continually pestering a boy to talk to her, date her, etc., as the boy in OP's scenario was, then she needs to be reported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of 14 year boys who are cringy at that age do not grow up to be rapists.

Most kids that age, boy and girl, at completely inexperienced when it comes to romantic gestures and starting and maintaining relationships. They all say and do really immature things, because they are immature. They tend to act based on what they have seen or heard at home, in movies / TV. Peer groups are still so important and trying to impress your friends is still front of mind. Kids are insecure, inexperienced and often inappropriate.

I worked in a high school an I can tell you the lack of respect goes both ways. Boys and girls both do things and say things and pursue each other in really disrespectful ways. They are often all trying to get their own needs met and don't really get how these new experiences are impacting the other. They have no sense of long term and are focused on the day.

In situations like this, I do think being direct is important. She should say, you are making me uncomfortable, please stop. Or you are more likely be get a girl to answer you if yoi respect them. After that just ignore him, act like he's invisible and see if that extinguishes it. I wouldn't invo Ke the school or parents yet. It has been less than a week. Kids this age need to start learning to speak for themselves and she has you to run things by for direction and support.

I completely agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP here - It's not really a question of the world that we live in, it's a question of the work that the kid believes he lives in. Isn't that obvious? I am all for teachable moments, both for this girl and her pursuer. But at some point, it's time to stop teaching and require that the borderline harassing behavior stop, immediately. The daughter has told this boy, repeatedly, that she's not interested. It hasn't worked (though it does appear that she could be more forceful, but isn't willing to). At some point, someone may have to intercede. The question is, who will have a better chance of getting through to the kid, a pissed off mother or a pissed off father? Like it or not, a 14 yo boy likely is going to take an angry man, with the implicit threat of physical violence, more seriously than an angry woman. It that right? No. It is unfortunate that simple requests aren't sufficient? Yes. Does he need to learn to respect women and their decisions? Of course. But there comes a point when the behavior just has to stop, and we need to be realistic about the best way to accomplish that. At that point, "the way things should work" really doesn't factor into things.

If, in the "real world", the only way to get a boy to stop harassing a girl is if the girl has a father who intervenes, then we have some serious problems that we need to focus on fixing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The vast majority of 14 year boys who are cringy at that age do not grow up to be rapists.

Most kids that age, boy and girl, at completely inexperienced when it comes to romantic gestures and starting and maintaining relationships. They all say and do really immature things, because they are immature. They tend to act based on what they have seen or heard at home, in movies / TV. Peer groups are still so important and trying to impress your friends is still front of mind. Kids are insecure, inexperienced and often inappropriate.

I worked in a high school an I can tell you the lack of respect goes both ways. Boys and girls both do things and say things and pursue each other in really disrespectful ways. They are often all trying to get their own needs met and don't really get how these new experiences are impacting the other. They have no sense of long term and are focused on the day.

In situations like this, I do think being direct is important. She should say, you are making me uncomfortable, please stop. Or you are more likely be get a girl to answer you if yoi respect them. After that just ignore him, act like he's invisible and see if that extinguishes it. I wouldn't invo Ke the school or parents yet. It has been less than a week. Kids this age need to start learning to speak for themselves and she has you to run things by for direction and support.

I completely agree.

PP Coach here. Yeah, this. Mistakes are mad on all sides. On ALL sides.

We need to move on. I tell my players to say "I'm not looking backward I'm moving forward".

My player might be too aggressive in approaching a girl because he's aKID. Your daughter might be too uptight because she's a KID. My player's teammates shouldn't blackball the girl because she doesn't eve know yet that she needs to loosen up.

And your daughter shouldn't mess up my player's chances with other girls because it's like the weight room. Just as he's not squatting 500 as a sophomore, he's not knowing how to hit on girls the way he will as a senior. He learns from his mistakes, just like on the field. So cut him a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP here - It's not really a question of the world that we live in, it's a question of the work that the kid believes he lives in. Isn't that obvious? I am all for teachable moments, both for this girl and her pursuer. But at some point, it's time to stop teaching and require that the borderline harassing behavior stop, immediately. The daughter has told this boy, repeatedly, that she's not interested. It hasn't worked (though it does appear that she could be more forceful, but isn't willing to). At some point, someone may have to intercede. The question is, who will have a better chance of getting through to the kid, a pissed off mother or a pissed off father? Like it or not, a 14 yo boy likely is going to take an angry man, with the implicit threat of physical violence, more seriously than an angry woman. It that right? No. It is unfortunate that simple requests aren't sufficient? Yes. Does he need to learn to respect women and their decisions? Of course. But there comes a point when the behavior just has to stop, and we need to be realistic about the best way to accomplish that. At that point, "the way things should work" really doesn't factor into things.

If, in the "real world", the only way to get a boy to stop harassing a girl is if the girl has a father who intervenes, then we have some serious problems that we need to focus on fixing.

NP

Reread the bolded. What you said is a separate discussion. PP had really good practical advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd just started her second week of high school, when a 9th grade boy began pursuing her romantically via Snapchat and won't leave her alone. She tried ignoring him and has told him she's not interested, but he is not giving up. Part of me doesn't want to make too big a deal of it, I mean he's bound to give up at some point, but it's also a little weird. She is absolutely not open to us involving the school, and I'd rather not create a situation that makes her life more difficult socially. I'm just so annoyed she has to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Have your DH talk to him, this is where fathers and brothers come into play. He needs to understand pursuing your daughter against her wishes won't be cost free.

Because a "no" from a girl/woman only counts when the message is delivered by her male relatives?

And the violent consequences for noncompliance that it implies.

Because boys/men only have to heed a "no" from a girl/woman when her male relatives promise violent consequences for non-heeding? What kind of a world do you live in? Evidently not one where women have their own agency.

If this was happening to my daughter, I wouldn't spend two seconds thinking about the world we live in. I would do what works, and has worked for years. And my DH and DS would be only too happy to step in. The girl tried to do it herself and it didn't work so time to get help. I'm not running a damn social experiment when my child is at stake.