Reply to How do I make myself just not care?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sometimes I think people get so focused on money because it is quantifiable. But often in families, people's contributions are not so quantifiable. Example: I have a stay at home spouse. I contribute money. My spouse contributes many other things. Does it come out exactly equal? I have no idea.

It is possible that your taking-groceries-for-granted SIL makes contributions that you are not aware of or not affected by. For example, maybe she tolerates your MIL and is a good companion to her, and other family members appreciate that. Maybe she did your husband a solid way-back-when and emotionally supported him at key moments in his life that you were not around to see and he is eternally grateful in ways he could never articulate to you. Maybe she gets your FIL to laugh when no one else can. Etc. etc. etc. The point is, this family may have a system of "exchange" that you may not be aware of that makes the other family members feel like your SIL is much less of a moocher than you think. Or she is a moocher and they don't care because, come on, no one is perfect.

Someone else's family is like another culture. You have a vision of how you think family should work (texts on your birthday, birthday gifts for your kids, etc). That is obviously not the culture of this family. That does not mean they are wrong, or that their way is inferior or immoral. It's just different. It would literally never occur to me to text my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't even know when it is. She surely doesn't know my birthday. But I care for her very much.

You say your mother held on to anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. The real emotion underneath it is hurt. Do you feel hurt? Why? What is the hurt? Do you feel somehow rejected by this family, because they are not doing things that you expect them to do but that may not be a part of their family culture?

You really need to analyze your response to this, because you say you are bitter and resentful and do not want to be. I can assure you that I am not a doormat, and that I have a similar situation on beach vacation with my brother-in-law, and I do not feel angry and resentful. Why? I consider it an act of love towards my husband's family to be generous. I stock the house with food and treats that I think they will like and enjoy watching them be enjoyed. I realize my brother-in-law is kind of a dope career-wise and money-wise but he has many other fine qualities, such as I really appreciate the care and support he gives to my husband's parents, and the relationship he has with my kids.

But this matters to you. So. I agree with others that there are many friendly and socially acceptable ways of directly addressing this with your SIL that you did not pursue. I wonder if there is some part of you that *wants* to feel wronged, to justify feelings of anger. I see this in some of my family members. They seem to want to look at people in the worse possible light, and focus on all of people's human flaws and weaknesses instead of seeing the good in them. I guess it makes them feel better about themselves or something. But to me it sounds kind of miserable and lonely.

Here's an idea--you could invite your SIL to go grocery shopping with you. Then insist on paying. Then if the food runs out, she will know you've done your part. And rather than being the aggrieved martyr, shopping all alone and and resenting every moment of it, maybe you could have a nice time with your SIL. [/quote]

I think there's another underlying issue here besides hurt and that is the dynamic where the sister-in-laws seems to be the golden child who can just mooch off of the wealthy parents and is not expected to pay her own way on vacations or expensive tickets, whereas the sun is expected to work hard and make his own money.

I am also the wife of a husband with a similar dynamic with his younger sister. ( except she's mooching off of a mother-in-law who is very nearly broke) and I take a lot of comfort in the fact that I have Financial Independence and freedom to do what I want with my money in a way that she does not.  And I genuinely like my sister-in-law as a person so I think that goes a long way towards me not resenting her moocher status as much (although I do worry about my mother-in-law's bad financial situation)

If I were in your shoes I would definitely buy the food that you want to buy for your family. Keep some shelf-stable Foods in reserve (plus wine because it's your vacation too you should relax) and when the food runs out you can always feed your kids the emergency peanut butter sandwiches or take them out for breakfast. When sil complains you can say " well sister-in-laws I think it's your turn to go grocery shopping, we're out of bread." And then just let it go if her mother-in-law pays for it it's still okay because you have the financial freedom and you still have some wine. ;) [/quote]

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