Critique me: 28 yr old Af Am woman who wants marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi 28 YO AA woman!

I believe AA women put too much emphasis on the "I have an education, make X amount of dollars" etc. That really does not matter to a decent fellow. He's not interested in that, as HE wants to be the provider. He wants someone he can have fun with, laugh with. Someone who'll create a happy home that he will look forward to coming to after a hard day of work each day. Someone who will be a bed of wisdom, kind words, gentleness and support when life deals its inevitable blows. When he's hurting, your degrees and number of dollars in the bank will not matter.

SO, I think you should focus more on the personality--being friendly, kind, gentle, and warm.

I'm an attractive, extremely educated AA woman as well and I have never had a hard time attracting wonderful men of substance and impressive credentials. I found this was much easier to do in metro areas.

Another AA woman here and I agree with this take. Women care about credentials, but that's not what most men are focused on when choosing a mate. Not that you shouldn't educate yourself and pursue a career but develop as a person as well -- pursue hobbies, be warm and approachable and interesting.

Another AA woman here and I have to disagree. I'd say it depends; it is hard to generalize about ALL of any one demographic. My husband said he'd be fine working less or PT if I was making bank (say, 300K). However, although I make low six figures, he is an MD and it would be tough to out-earn him. He was interested in ambitious, educated women--he wanted to be a peer, not a provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

Not the OP, but what is this? It sounds interesting. I may go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi 28 YO AA woman!

I believe AA women put too much emphasis on the "I have an education, make X amount of dollars" etc. That really does not matter to a decent fellow. He's not interested in that, as HE wants to be the provider. He wants someone he can have fun with, laugh with. Someone who'll create a happy home that he will look forward to coming to after a hard day of work each day. Someone who will be a bed of wisdom, kind words, gentleness and support when life deals its inevitable blows. When he's hurting, your degrees and number of dollars in the bank will not matter.

SO, I think you should focus more on the personality--being friendly, kind, gentle, and warm.

I'm an attractive, extremely educated AA woman as well and I have never had a hard time attracting wonderful men of substance and impressive credentials. I found this was much easier to do in metro areas.

Another AA woman here and I agree with this take. Women care about credentials, but that's not what most men are focused on when choosing a mate. Not that you shouldn't educate yourself and pursue a career but develop as a person as well -- pursue hobbies, be warm and approachable and interesting.

Another AA woman here and I have to disagree. I'd say it depends; it is hard to generalize about ALL of any one demographic. My husband said he'd be fine working less or PT if I was making bank (say, 300K). However, although I make low six figures, he is an MD and it would be tough to out-earn him. He was interested in ambitious, educated women--he wanted to be a peer, not a provider.

What I typed is true of most men.

While your husband wanted an ambitious, educated woman, he would've likely been "concerned", turned off even, if that's what you led with and focused on--especially at the expense of sweetness and kindness.

I want a man who can cook. But if he led with that as if that's the majority of what he was bringing to the table, I would be turned slightly off. Can you provide? Work a hammer and lawn mower? Cool! Cooking should come with that, but it can't be everything. Will you be there to take care of me if I get sick? Can you provide wise counsel? Will I be able to live in peace with you? If the answer is no, I don't care if you're Chef Ramsey, it's a NO!

SO your education and ambition are fine it's also a dime a dozen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi 28 YO AA woman!

I believe AA women put too much emphasis on the "I have an education, make X amount of dollars" etc. That really does not matter to a decent fellow. He's not interested in that, as HE wants to be the provider. He wants someone he can have fun with, laugh with. Someone who'll create a happy home that he will look forward to coming to after a hard day of work each day. Someone who will be a bed of wisdom, kind words, gentleness and support when life deals its inevitable blows. When he's hurting, your degrees and number of dollars in the bank will not matter.

SO, I think you should focus more on the personality--being friendly, kind, gentle, and warm.

I'm an attractive, extremely educated AA woman as well and I have never had a hard time attracting wonderful men of substance and impressive credentials. I found this was much easier to do in metro areas.

Another AA woman here and I agree with this take. Women care about credentials, but that's not what most men are focused on when choosing a mate. Not that you shouldn't educate yourself and pursue a career but develop as a person as well -- pursue hobbies, be warm and approachable and interesting.

Another AA woman here and I have to disagree. I'd say it depends; it is hard to generalize about ALL of any one demographic. My husband said he'd be fine working less or PT if I was making bank (say, 300K). However, although I make low six figures, he is an MD and it would be tough to out-earn him. He was interested in ambitious, educated women--he wanted to be a peer, not a provider.

What I typed is true of most men.

While your husband wanted an ambitious, educated woman, he would've likely been "concerned", turned off even, if that's what you led with and focused on--especially at the expense of sweetness and kindness.

I want a man who can cook. But if he led with that as if that's the majority of what he was bringing to the table, I would be turned slightly off. Can you provide? Work a hammer and lawn mower? Cool! Cooking should come with that, but it can't be everything. Will you be there to take care of me if I get sick? Can you provide wise counsel? Will I be able to live in peace with you? If the answer is no, I don't care if you're Chef Ramsey, it's a NO!

SO your education and ambition are fine it's also a dime a dozen.

PP here. I agree with you this is probably true for most men. I just wanted to point at that it's not true for all. There are some black men out there that like brains. And I probably did "lead" with my education, even if not intentionally--I have a Ph.D. in a research field, and we met when I was a 20-something doing postdoctoral training at an Ivy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi 28 YO AA woman!

I believe AA women put too much emphasis on the "I have an education, make X amount of dollars" etc. That really does not matter to a decent fellow. He's not interested in that, as HE wants to be the provider. He wants someone he can have fun with, laugh with. Someone who'll create a happy home that he will look forward to coming to after a hard day of work each day. Someone who will be a bed of wisdom, kind words, gentleness and support when life deals its inevitable blows. When he's hurting, your degrees and number of dollars in the bank will not matter.

SO, I think you should focus more on the personality--being friendly, kind, gentle, and warm.

I'm an attractive, extremely educated AA woman as well and I have never had a hard time attracting wonderful men of substance and impressive credentials. I found this was much easier to do in metro areas.

Another AA woman here and I agree with this take. Women care about credentials, but that's not what most men are focused on when choosing a mate. Not that you shouldn't educate yourself and pursue a career but develop as a person as well -- pursue hobbies, be warm and approachable and interesting.

Op here, thanks y'all! Will work on this.

[Anonymous]

I went through a period where I dated losers who I could provide for. It was easy and good sex.

When I decided that I had enough of that I focused on making myself wealthy and happy. Found my husband at 28, married at 30, have three healthy kids.

DONT be anyone other than your authentic self. Not warm? Not necessarily a bad thing! Be who you are and focus on things that you enjoy and you and your future spouse will find one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hit up Afropolitan this Friday. Dress to impress. Find similar events. Go with one girlfriend. Or alone if you have the confidence too. Be selective/mindful about where you go to socialize. Shop/dine/exercise in places where your type would congregate. Black churches are a waste of time for socializing.Receive the word and bounce! Single, heterosexual black men aren't usually in church. The few in attendance are grossly outnumbered.

I'm going to be laughing until the end of the week about "receive the word bounce!"

OP, I'm an AA woman and close to 20 years older than you. I'm cringing at the advice to laugh more because there's nothing more counterproductive than an ungenuine laugh.

That said, men are more attracted to someone who can laugh and don't take the world too seriously. Not saying you have to be a goofball, just comfortable with yourself enough that others are comfortable with you. I think it's difficult if you're doing well for yourself because if you're like I was, you've acclimated yourself to harsh judgement, which usually leads to judging others harshly. But rapport builds when you can knock the judgement barrier down.

I'm also not saying you should give up judgement altogether, because there are some knuckleheads out there. But worry less about credentials or how you think you're being perceived and the person you really are - and what you want to find in another person - will be easier to recognize and get to know.

[Anonymous]

^^receive the word and bounce. Still laughing.

[Anonymous]

Apologies for the serial posting, but I forgot to mention I've been happily married for 10+ years.

[Anonymous]

Good morning, OP.

A couple of observations before I respond directly to your request for feedback:

1 – Nice job on attending to your post. You asked for advice, read the responses, and I’ve noticed that you have responded in-kind. That’s thoughtful of you.
2 - More than the personal attributes you listed, your genuineness comes across very nicely. That is refreshing – and to me, may just be the most attractive aspect of your post. (I want to come back to this point, later.)

I believe you’ve been receiving some feedback this morning from other AA women. While they’ve not fully agreed on all accounts of what it takes to attract a “quality partner”, as you put it, I tend to agree with their general premise – try to lead with your truest self. That’s sage advice, but things can get tricky out there. In full disclosure, I own that I am a little dusty - I was on the “dating scene” in the 90s – before the internet. But people haven’t changed that much. When we first meet someone we are interested in, we usually lead with some level of a “front”, or our intro. To me, that means we aren’t truly meeting the real person until sometime later – that is, if the initial interest is sustained that long. I also think the specifics of what we chose to lead with can be circumstantial – depending on where you’re meeting this person – i.e., at a work function, academic setting, online, or a nightclub. But again, it’s worth hearkening the words of the sisters who weighed in earlier, focus on your spirit, being at peace with who you really are, and you better bet we will notice that about you. I say that because I am an AA man and I still notice this peace in certain women even though I have been happily married for over 17 years.

OP, sometimes it’s the intangibles (not the money or beauty) that people pick up on. As I mentioned earlier, it’s what you didn’t write about yourself that drew my attention. I suspect that would also be the case if a man is genuinely interested in you.

Good luck to you, Sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should shy away from saying you want to settle down if that's what you want. Who cares if you scare away a few guys? If that scares them away you probably wouldn't have been a good match anyway.

Better to find out early on than after two years of dancing around commitment issues.

+1

+2 and you should be yourself. Ask your friends and family if they know of someone, it couldn't hurt.

My biggest advice is don't waste time on the wrong guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good morning, OP.

A couple of observations before I respond directly to your request for feedback:

1 – Nice job on attending to your post. You asked for advice, read the responses, and I’ve noticed that you have responded in-kind. That’s thoughtful of you.
2 - More than the personal attributes you listed, your genuineness comes across very nicely. That is refreshing – and to me, may just be the most attractive aspect of your post. (I want to come back to this point, later.)

I believe you’ve been receiving some feedback this morning from other AA women. While they’ve not fully agreed on all accounts of what it takes to attract a “quality partner”, as you put it, I tend to agree with their general premise – try to lead with your truest self. That’s sage advice, but things can get tricky out there. In full disclosure, I own that I am a little dusty - I was on the “dating scene” in the 90s – before the internet. But people haven’t changed that much. When we first meet someone we are interested in, we usually lead with some level of a “front”, or our intro. To me, that means we aren’t truly meeting the real person until sometime later – that is, if the initial interest is sustained that long. I also think the specifics of what we chose to lead with can be circumstantial – depending on where you’re meeting this person – i.e., at a work function, academic setting, online, or a nightclub. But again, it’s worth hearkening the words of the sisters who weighed in earlier, focus on your spirit, being at peace with who you really are, and you better bet we will notice that about you. I say that because I am an AA man and I still notice this peace in certain women even though I have been happily married for over 17 years.

OP, sometimes it’s the intangibles (not the money or beauty) that people pick up on. As I mentioned earlier, it’s what you didn’t write about yourself that drew my attention. I suspect that would also be the case if a man is genuinely interested in you.

Good luck to you, Sister.

Thanks, I have not really sat down to process this fully before. Appreciate your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I am a 30 year old single AA man, and I would agree with a lot of the advice about the things women think make them attractive are different from what men think is attractive.
That being said, be yourself, be comfortable with yourself, those are the type of women I have had the most success with.

There are good dudes out there, you just have to get a better filter and highlight the unique attributes you have that make you a catch.

[Anonymous]

You sound great and are bound to find someone eventually! Another idea (and not sure if it has come up as I didn't read the entire thread): Attend events (social or professional) that would attract mostly men; some professions, for instance, are heavily dominated by men, and conferences could be the way to go (often, professional events include some social get togethers). Hopefully you'll find something that could at least moderately interest you... Good luck!

[Anonymous]

What is Afropolitian?

And what are some of these heavily-male dominated conferences? Where are they? Asking for a friend.