Marrying a man with no means...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:budgeting for $60 for lunches each week

Are you joking??? What a waste of money. I spend max of $12.50/week on lunches.

You two are classic DC--academically intelligent, yet with heads shoved firmly up asses.

erm lunch in DC cost $8 to $12

They have these things called supermarkets. You can buy food there and store it in your fridge and then bring some of it for lunch each day. It's cheaper. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

My Bf and I did the math last night and after he pays the bills, rent and his loans, transportation costs and groceries including budgeting for $60 for lunches each week, he has about $600 of his paycheck that should be left over for him to save. So far, he does not manage to save it so we talked about buckling down and making sure we save at least $500 of it. Since he covers all the essential costs my paycheck of 3300ish per month should go to being saved.

I think together we'll be okay. We aren't managing our money well. I also need him to earn more before we have children since, if I stay home, we won't have any of my income for extra expenses.

If you two can save $4k a month why are you here talking about being poor?! Poor is check to check with no safety net. Good grief.

OP here. We do not have a safety net though. We have no savings and no parents to bail us out should one of us lose our jobs. We also cannot live on one salary which is concerning to me since I want to take a few years off after having children.

OP, you may have to be flexible with your expectations. My husband got his medical degree a bit late so we're also up to our eyeballs in debt. His prospects are good in a few years but we wanted to have kids now, we didn't want to be older parents, so I've had to keep working while having a family. Sure, it would have been nice to be at home for 3-4 years but the opportunity cost of that was too high for us in our current situation. Something that might be worth keeping in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

My Bf and I did the math last night and after he pays the bills, rent and his loans, transportation costs and groceries including budgeting for $60 for lunches each week, he has about $600 of his paycheck that should be left over for him to save. So far, he does not manage to save it so we talked about buckling down and making sure we save at least $500 of it. Since he covers all the essential costs my paycheck of 3300ish per month should go to being saved.

I think together we'll be okay. We aren't managing our money well. I also need him to earn more before we have children since, if I stay home, we won't have any of my income for extra expenses.

He has his priorities, and those are helping his family whenever they need it or ask for it. I would be shocked if any of the money you think you can find to save actually finds it way into longterm savings. He's just going to see it as more of a cushion for helping.

Earlier, you said you want luxuries like nice things and vacations. These are not your BF's priorities! That makes him a really good, really generous guy, but it's going to make it hard for you to have that kind of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
$12.50 a week is not what most people spend on two people's lunches a week. You are at the other extreme.

You can eat lunch for $3 per meal (or less). It's called SHOPPING AT A GROCERY STORE!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

This is OP. He went to Vanderbilt for undergrad and Georgetown for his M.A in IR.

OP, have Jeff delete this post. It would be very easy to find him (and you) right now.

That is pretty identifying information, but this listserv is silly the way people think they can recognize others.

have you not heard of google and linkedin? I am willing to bet I could narrow down OP's boyfriend to within five people with a few clicks.

More importantly, if someone who knows them is reading this thread, they will know who this is with the information provided.

"Oh, I know a guy from my Georgetown IR program who went to Vanderbilt. He has a girlfriend and is 28." What are the chances it would be someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM-ers amuse me; is there anything wrong with marrying a man knowing he is pretty much penniless?

My fiance just turned 28 and he is 100k in graduate school debt, earns 75k and also financially supports his broke parents. As such, he has no savings, hasn't even started a 401k and yet is not concerned about his financial situation. I earn 50k and have a 401k but no savings either. We love each other very much and are otherwise a perfect pair. I have always been pretty careless about money and do not envision myself in a high stress high paid career. In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us. In marrying my DH, our current finances do not paint a very rosy picture of our future. WWYD?

Let me ask you this: imagine you are 50 and your second child is about to go to college. Your fiancé is now overweight, balding and still not a money guy. You take out a second job, plus parental loans, so child #2 can attend college. Will you feel resentful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought supporting his parents was a sign he was kind, generous, and family oriented. My husband has been sending his grandmother money as long as I've known him because she lives on a small SS check only. I can't believe you're begrudging him this and people are complaining that his housewife mother isn't out hustling for a job. She probably hasn't had a job in almost 30 years -- it's not as easy as you might think to start an entry level job at 60.

What healthy woman in her 50s would rather be financially supported by her indebted son???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

My Bf and I did the math last night and after he pays the bills, rent and his loans, transportation costs and groceries including budgeting for $60 for lunches each week, he has about $600 of his paycheck that should be left over for him to save. So far, he does not manage to save it so we talked about buckling down and making sure we save at least $500 of it. Since he covers all the essential costs my paycheck of 3300ish per month should go to being saved.

I think together we'll be okay. We aren't managing our money well. I also need him to earn more before we have children since, if I stay home, we won't have any of my income for extra expenses.

He has his priorities, and those are helping his family whenever they need it or ask for it. I would be shocked if any of the money you think you can find to save actually finds it way into longterm savings. He's just going to see it as more of a cushion for helping.

Earlier, you said you want luxuries like nice things and vacations. These are not your BF's priorities! That makes him a really good, really generous guy, but it's going to make it hard for you to have that kind of life.

OP here. Yes. When we got together, I thought he wanted to have a nice life and enjoy it. At this point, it just feels like we are barely getting by and we have no funds left over for things such as trips or vacations. When we have a mortgage and even just one child, unless we see a significant boost in our financial resources, life will be tough. I don't want ti survive, I want to thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

My Bf and I did the math last night and after he pays the bills, rent and his loans, transportation costs and groceries including budgeting for $60 for lunches each week, he has about $600 of his paycheck that should be left over for him to save. So far, he does not manage to save it so we talked about buckling down and making sure we save at least $500 of it. Since he covers all the essential costs my paycheck of 3300ish per month should go to being saved.

I think together we'll be okay. We aren't managing our money well. I also need him to earn more before we have children since, if I stay home, we won't have any of my income for extra expenses.

He has his priorities, and those are helping his family whenever they need it or ask for it. I would be shocked if any of the money you think you can find to save actually finds it way into longterm savings. He's just going to see it as more of a cushion for helping.

Earlier, you said you want luxuries like nice things and vacations. These are not your BF's priorities! That makes him a really good, really generous guy, but it's going to make it hard for you to have that kind of life.

OP here. Yes. When we got together, I thought he wanted to have a nice life and enjoy it. At this point, it just feels like we are barely getting by and we have no funds left over for things such as trips or vacations. When we have a mortgage and even just one child, unless we see a significant boost in our financial resources, life will be tough. I don't want ti survive, I want to thrive.

That may or may not happen with this guy. You haven't answered - how much goes to his family routinely? You say he has zero savings - does that mean the $600 month he COULD save ultimately goes to them - whether monthly or whenever there's an issue? What makes you think that just bc you've come up with a savings plan he'll do it? Can you envision life without him? Can you envision a life that's paycheck to paycheck where you may go back to work 6 wks after having a baby? Can you envision a life where you get a modest vacation every 3-5 yrs? Which of these lives do you want to envision?

And you also haven't answered - would he consider a switch to mgmt consulting now while he's fairly young, even though he didn't pursue it a few yrs ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

OP, I was in your position ten years ago. My fiancé (DH) paid for his sister's college and also helped support his broke parents. His mom did not work either, and his dad made very little in a blue collar job.

I thought it very admirable that he helped his family so much. It made me love him more. Now I know better - his family was taking advantage of him (his intelligence, his work ethic). They didn't have to work hard because he always did it for them. And eventually it did actually come down to making decisions for the benefit of our (nuclear) family versus his family of origin.

It has caused enormous strife in our family.

I would be weary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

My Bf and I did the math last night and after he pays the bills, rent and his loans, transportation costs and groceries including budgeting for $60 for lunches each week, he has about $600 of his paycheck that should be left over for him to save. So far, he does not manage to save it so we talked about buckling down and making sure we save at least $500 of it. Since he covers all the essential costs my paycheck of 3300ish per month should go to being saved.

I think together we'll be okay. We aren't managing our money well. I also need him to earn more before we have children since, if I stay home, we won't have any of my income for extra expenses.

He has his priorities, and those are helping his family whenever they need it or ask for it. I would be shocked if any of the money you think you can find to save actually finds it way into longterm savings. He's just going to see it as more of a cushion for helping.

Earlier, you said you want luxuries like nice things and vacations. These are not your BF's priorities! That makes him a really good, really generous guy, but it's going to make it hard for you to have that kind of life.

OP here. Yes. When we got together, I thought he wanted to have a nice life and enjoy it. At this point, it just feels like we are barely getting by and we have no funds left over for things such as trips or vacations. When we have a mortgage and even just one child, unless we see a significant boost in our financial resources, life will be tough. I don't want ti survive, I want to thrive.

That may or may not happen with this guy. You haven't answered - how much goes to his family routinely? You say he has zero savings - does that mean the $600 month he COULD save ultimately goes to them - whether monthly or whenever there's an issue? What makes you think that just bc you've come up with a savings plan he'll do it? Can you envision life without him? Can you envision a life that's paycheck to paycheck where you may go back to work 6 wks after having a baby? Can you envision a life where you get a modest vacation every 3-5 yrs? Which of these lives do you want to envision?

And you also haven't answered - would he consider a switch to mgmt consulting now while he's fairly young, even though he didn't pursue it a few yrs ago?

From what I know, he does not support his family these days. they had a major crisis last year during which he did and his dad dug into his savings quite a bit. It sounded like his parents have access to his savings account. He had saved up quite a bit by being frugal but his family dug into his funds. This upset my BF a lot but he felt he couldn't be rude to his father. There is no arrangement for a payback. Lately, I do not know what the situation is. He does not tell me in detail what goes on. I am actually very wary about starting a joint savings account with him because of how his family has dug into his finances in the past. :\

Also, I talked to him last night about consulting. He says he is doing very well for his age and experience and he'd rather be a big fish in his small firm than start from scratch at a bigger firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
$12.50 a week is not what most people spend on two people's lunches a week. You are at the other extreme.

You can eat lunch for $3 per meal (or less). It's called SHOPPING AT A GROCERY STORE!

Yell all you want. You are at the low end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP.

My Bf and I did the math last night and after he pays the bills, rent and his loans, transportation costs and groceries including budgeting for $60 for lunches each week, he has about $600 of his paycheck that should be left over for him to save. So far, he does not manage to save it so we talked about buckling down and making sure we save at least $500 of it. Since he covers all the essential costs my paycheck of 3300ish per month should go to being saved.

I think together we'll be okay. We aren't managing our money well. I also need him to earn more before we have children since, if I stay home, we won't have any of my income for extra expenses.

He has his priorities, and those are helping his family whenever they need it or ask for it. I would be shocked if any of the money you think you can find to save actually finds it way into longterm savings. He's just going to see it as more of a cushion for helping.

Earlier, you said you want luxuries like nice things and vacations. These are not your BF's priorities! That makes him a really good, really generous guy, but it's going to make it hard for you to have that kind of life.

OP here. Yes. When we got together, I thought he wanted to have a nice life and enjoy it. At this point, it just feels like we are barely getting by and we have no funds left over for things such as trips or vacations. When we have a mortgage and even just one child, unless we see a significant boost in our financial resources, life will be tough. I don't want ti survive, I want to thrive.

That may or may not happen with this guy. You haven't answered - how much goes to his family routinely? You say he has zero savings - does that mean the $600 month he COULD save ultimately goes to them - whether monthly or whenever there's an issue? What makes you think that just bc you've come up with a savings plan he'll do it? Can you envision life without him? Can you envision a life that's paycheck to paycheck where you may go back to work 6 wks after having a baby? Can you envision a life where you get a modest vacation every 3-5 yrs? Which of these lives do you want to envision?

And you also haven't answered - would he consider a switch to mgmt consulting now while he's fairly young, even though he didn't pursue it a few yrs ago?

From what I know, he does not support his family these days. they had a major crisis last year during which he did and his dad dug into his savings quite a bit. It sounded like his parents have access to his savings account. He had saved up quite a bit by being frugal but his family dug into his funds. This upset my BF a lot but he felt he couldn't be rude to his father. There is no arrangement for a payback. Lately, I do not know what the situation is. He does not tell me in detail what goes on. I am actually very wary about starting a joint savings account with him because of how his family has dug into his finances in the past. :\

Also, I talked to him last night about consulting. He says he is doing very well for his age and experience and he'd rather be a big fish in his small firm than start from scratch at a bigger firm.

wait, what? no one can "dig into" your savings account unless you give them access to it. why TF does his father have access to his savings account? you're making it sound like his dad went in and basically stole his money and he said nothing about it because he didn't want to be "rude?" Jesus.

i don't understand why your BF is paying all your bills and basically provided an accounting to you of what all his money goes to but you have no idea how much or whether he gives money to his family.

[Anonymous]

The only person who should marry a person of no means is one who is happy to live on love and little else, or is her(him)self very ambitious and willing to hustle for the fun money.

You cannot marry someone barely getting by and dream of being provided luxuries, vacations, children, staying home, and a comfortable retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only person who should marry a person of no means is one who is happy to live on love and little else, or is her(him)self very ambitious and willing to hustle for the fun money.

You cannot marry someone barely getting by and dream of being provided luxuries, vacations, children, staying home, and a comfortable retirement.

Kid is only 28. Why won't his income rise. By 30 he'll certainly be making at least 100k. Maybe more. By 40 that might be higher.