Marrying a man with no means...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It could be the making of both of you! Joined, you'll make different decisions about money and your careers.

Or, it could be the decision you look back on and hate yourself for.

Eyes wide open, OP! What are the plans you guys can put in place to build a comfortable life for yourselves?

This is OP. I am very concerned with this picture. I did not know about his parents financial problems until a year into dating him. Neither of us have trust funds and we are saving every penny to get married since we will have no financial support from either sides of our family. Looking at our situation at the moment, it appears that we have in front of us a life full of financial struggle where we will both work long hours, not earn enough and always will feel stretched out and penniless. I did not envision this for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

I'm married to a guy from a poor family who doesn't make much. I'm the breadwinner and I'm fine with that. But what you describe above would really piss me off. My DH's parents are poor but proud and they manage to live very frugally and simply without financial help from their 4 kids apart from the occasional gift. If they or my other inlaws were moochers, our marriage would be really tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

Can I just say that this will get WAY worse once you're married? They will probably expect (and need, since they're getting older) even more money since you'll have 2 incomes once married. They will probably live with you as well. I don't see what's stopping 2 50 somethings from working??

Inlaws are a huge part of your life once you're married. Imagine these people in every happy celebration of your life from this point out: marriage, holidays, baby's birth, everything! Don't marry a family unless you have your eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM-ers amuse me; is there anything wrong with marrying a man knowing he is pretty much penniless?

My fiance just turned 28 and he is 100k in graduate school debt, earns 75k and also financially supports his broke parents. As such, he has no savings, hasn't even started a 401k and yet is not concerned about his financial situation. I earn 50k and have a 401k but no savings either. We love each other very much and are otherwise a perfect pair. I have always been pretty careless about money and do not envision myself in a high stress high paid career. In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us. In marrying my DH, our current finances do not paint a very rosy picture of our future. WWYD?

Let's see how long you can live on love. Sounds like a child. Buckle down pay the loans and put $ away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

I'm married to a guy from a poor family who doesn't make much. I'm the breadwinner and I'm fine with that. But what you describe above would really piss me off. My DH's parents are poor but proud and they manage to live very frugally and simply without financial help from their 4 kids apart from the occasional gift. If they or my other inlaws were moochers, our marriage would be really tough.

I would need to know more. The parents could have had unforeseen health and job problems, really depends. Parents support their children and do a lot, I would think it should also go the other way when they need help.

[Anonymous]

Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

I'm married to a guy from a poor family who doesn't make much. I'm the breadwinner and I'm fine with that. But what you describe above would really piss me off. My DH's parents are poor but proud and they manage to live very frugally and simply without financial help from their 4 kids apart from the occasional gift. If they or my other inlaws were moochers, our marriage would be really tough.

I would need to know more. The parents could have had unforeseen health and job problems, really depends. Parents support their children and do a lot, I would think it should also go the other way when they need help.

NP. It doesn't sound like these parents need help. Sounds like they need to work. I agree with helping parents, but not at the expense of the next generation, and only during emergencies. These sound like 2 able bodied parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

She had a job, it was at home. Either way he can't support them the rest of their lives. Helping here and there is one thing, but the parents will have to figure something out even if it's welfare.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are poor but they are self sufficient and do not need financial support from us. I definitely would not marry this man, sorry.

[Anonymous]

It's not the income or the student loan debt that is troubling. That can be dealt with, you are both young and together would make enough to pay that off and start some savings of your own if you wanted to.

But he is supporting his parents at 28?! And they are healthy and choose not to work or live within their means (meaning his mom could work but chooses not to, you don't say what his dad does other than "bad investments" but plenty of people live off social security and do just fine living within that)

That kind of situation is impossible to change when you are the new daughter in law and this is already the status quo.
It will be years of stress and rifts while either you bite your tongue and accept your joint money is going to these people or deal with the fall out of them hating you and the impact on your husbands relationship with them and feelings towards you resulting if this stops.
Picture yourself having a child and skimping on childcare, clothing, time with child so you can send your money to a woman that refuses to work.
I don't see this ending well OP. Does your bf know this is not a good situation, does he give money happily, does he think it's ok his mom won't work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

Who said her dream is to SAH?

I would have a long discussion with him about what his expectations are for giving to his family in the long term. Does he have any sort of "deal" with them? Pay them x amount and that's it? Is there a cap on how much he gives monthly? I'd have to be very certain that he understands this is a big issue for me and we'd have to have a plan on how to wean that support, or keep it to a manageable level. Perhaps some couples therapy on this topic would be money well spent.

OP, you mentioned that you're both saving for a wedding. Please think twice about spending a substantial amount of money on a wedding and put that towards a house or something that will last for more than a few hours. It sounds pragmatic and not very romantic but looking back I think you will be much more proud of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It could be the making of both of you! Joined, you'll make different decisions about money and your careers.

Or, it could be the decision you look back on and hate yourself for.

Eyes wide open, OP! What are the plans you guys can put in place to build a comfortable life for yourselves?

This is OP. I am very concerned with this picture. I did not know about his parents financial problems until a year into dating him. Neither of us have trust funds and we are saving every penny to get married since we will have no financial support from either sides of our family. Looking at our situation at the moment, it appears that we have in front of us a life full of financial struggle where we will both work long hours, not earn enough and always will feel stretched out and penniless. I did not envision this for myself.

You both could do very well, it's how you tackle it. First thing I would rent a cheap place, no suv's, etc. and I would put a lot of the combined income to pay off the loans. Have a sit down and both agree to the plan. As for his parents, you both can't support them. Take some meals over, but the parents might need to find jobs. Write it down if you have to, and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

This will become a Very Big Problem for you, very very fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

Who said her dream is to SAH?

I would have a long discussion with him about what his expectations are for giving to his family in the long term. Does he have any sort of "deal" with them? Pay them x amount and that's it? Is there a cap on how much he gives monthly? I'd have to be very certain that he understands this is a big issue for me and we'd have to have a plan on how to wean that support, or keep it to a manageable level. Perhaps some couples therapy on this topic would be money well spent.

OP, you mentioned that you're both saving for a wedding. Please think twice about spending a substantial amount of money on a wedding and put that towards a house or something that will last for more than a few hours. It sounds pragmatic and not very romantic but looking back I think you will be much more proud of yourself.

OP wrote,

[i]"In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us."

OP, does your boyfriend know that this is what you want? Does he agree with the idea of supporting you and future children? If he does, how does he plan to put plans into place to make that happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

Who said her dream is to SAH?

I would have a long discussion with him about what his expectations are for giving to his family in the long term. Does he have any sort of "deal" with them? Pay them x amount and that's it? Is there a cap on how much he gives monthly? I'd have to be very certain that he understands this is a big issue for me and we'd have to have a plan on how to wean that support, or keep it to a manageable level. Perhaps some couples therapy on this topic would be money well spent.

OP, you mentioned that you're both saving for a wedding. Please think twice about spending a substantial amount of money on a wedding and put that towards a house or something that will last for more than a few hours. It sounds pragmatic and not very romantic but looking back I think you will be much more proud of yourself.

OP wrote,

[i]"In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us."

OP, does your boyfriend know that this is what you want? Does he agree with the idea of supporting you and future children? If he does, how does he plan to put plans into place to make that happen?

This is OP. We have talked about that. I do not want to SAHM forever but definitely for 3-4 years. He always says that he wants that for our family as well nor does he expect me to be the bread winner. My main concern is if he has a realistic expectation for our family decisions in the next few years. If we he is not earning much more by the time we have a child...I would definitely have to go to work immediately.