Marrying a man with no means...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

so the women in his life are living an entitled life...begs the question of why you expect your DH to take care of you (i.e., aren't you falling into this trap as well?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both need to grow up regarding how to manage money.

+1 OP, you have some nerve talking about how your BF's mom wants to be a sahm. Yea, you say you don't want to be a sahm forever, but judging by your attitude about money (your words: careless and want your DH to be the main bread winner), and how you do want to be a sahm for a few years, I have a feeling you will be her in 30yrs time.

I feel sorry for your BF. He should find someone who isn't careless about money. I'm sure it's bad enough that his family is like this; does he really need a wife like this, too? If you guys do get married, I have no doubt he or you will be back on here posting about how you fight about money all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

Who said her dream is to SAH?

I would have a long discussion with him about what his expectations are for giving to his family in the long term. Does he have any sort of "deal" with them? Pay them x amount and that's it? Is there a cap on how much he gives monthly? I'd have to be very certain that he understands this is a big issue for me and we'd have to have a plan on how to wean that support, or keep it to a manageable level. Perhaps some couples therapy on this topic would be money well spent.

OP, you mentioned that you're both saving for a wedding. Please think twice about spending a substantial amount of money on a wedding and put that towards a house or something that will last for more than a few hours. It sounds pragmatic and not very romantic but looking back I think you will be much more proud of yourself.

OP wrote,

[i]"In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us."

OP, does your boyfriend know that this is what you want? Does he agree with the idea of supporting you and future children? If he does, how does he plan to put plans into place to make that happen?

This is OP. We have talked about that. I do not want to SAHM forever but definitely for 3-4 years. He always says that he wants that for our family as well nor does he expect me to be the bread winner. My main concern is if he has a realistic expectation for our family decisions in the next few years. If we he is not earning much more by the time we have a child...I would definitely have to go to work immediately.

None of this is realistic. You already have two dependents, aging rapidly, and your boyfriend can't even say no to his sister. OF COURSE he will say yes to your dream also. That's who he is: he's a giver, even beyond the point where it hurts. Your children will suffer the consequences of this unless one of the two of you becomes a very high earner, or the in-laws pass away (or dear SIL starts supporting them instead).

I know you love him, but you either need to move on now, or slow way down and see if he can do anything to mitigate the impact of all of these people on your future. I also suggest you two go to a financial planner and have that person help you plan a budget that includes children so that you can see just how expensive all of this will be.

You can't take the man out of his life circumstances. That's a fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

so the women in his life are living an entitled life...begs the question of why you expect your DH to take care of you (i.e., aren't you falling into this trap as well?)

The mother of his child has a right to expect him to support her if she stays home. A MIL who's in her 50s with no children at home should not be supported!

[Anonymous]

He doesn't just have no means; he has major expenses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

Who said her dream is to SAH?

I would have a long discussion with him about what his expectations are for giving to his family in the long term. Does he have any sort of "deal" with them? Pay them x amount and that's it? Is there a cap on how much he gives monthly? I'd have to be very certain that he understands this is a big issue for me and we'd have to have a plan on how to wean that support, or keep it to a manageable level. Perhaps some couples therapy on this topic would be money well spent.

OP, you mentioned that you're both saving for a wedding. Please think twice about spending a substantial amount of money on a wedding and put that towards a house or something that will last for more than a few hours. It sounds pragmatic and not very romantic but looking back I think you will be much more proud of yourself.

OP wrote,

[i]"In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us."

OP, does your boyfriend know that this is what you want? Does he agree with the idea of supporting you and future children? If he does, how does he plan to put plans into place to make that happen?

This. Tell him and see how he reacts. He can't read your mind and has reason to be surprised. Incidentally you really need some savings. 75k is a pretty good salary. Where does all the money go?!

Anecdotally, at 25, I had 70k of law school loans, and I was giving 10k a year to my parents (dad lost job and his PT one gave him decreased income). I thought I'd have to support them forever but his finances improved and in 5-6 years they no longer needed my help. They have since given me 35k+ in gifts. So you never know. But back then, my salary was $110k so giving 10k a year was doable.

What is his degree in and what is the earning potential in his field?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

so the women in his life are living an entitled life...begs the question of why you expect your DH to take care of you (i.e., aren't you falling into this trap as well?)

The mother of his child has a right to expect him to support her if she stays home. A MIL who's in her 50s with no children at home should not be supported!

If they can afford for her to stay home that's great and for the kids. She needs to figure out what her bf is thinking and what the plan is for his parents.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I misread your salary to be 75k. Your 50k in DC is not a lot to save a lot, but you're still in your 20s so it's not bad either. Do not have a child until you have at least 25k in savings. Stuff happens in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine supporting a MIL who never wanted to work and didn't work for a decade after kids left the house.

This is OP. This is how I feel. She is very entitled and refuses to go work as she thinks it is beneath her. He also has a sister who loves to mooch off her brother for bonus money.

This will become a Very Big Problem for you, very very fast.

+1 So this guy is supporting his mother who thinks work is beneath her, his sister who just likes to have extra cash on hand, and his father who has retired early for what reason?

On the one hand, he sounds generous and that's a lovely quality - I understand why you'd love that. On the other, more practical, hand - finances are the #1 reason for divorce for a reason. When you are trying pay off those student loans, to save up for a down payment on a house, to put real money into your kids' 529s, to save for your own retirement, you are going to look at your accounts and feel overwhelming resentment that your family is going without in order to subsidize able-bodied adults who simply prefer to live off your husband. When you can't afford your own maternity leave while you are medically incapacitated, but are footing the bill for your healthy ILs, you will be furious.

[Anonymous]

I married a penniless man who invested wisely - thus he is no longer penniless.

HOWEVER, he has always been money-savvy.

Your problem isn't that this man has no money. Your problem is that he apparently inherited his family's luckluster financial sense.

Unless you get him into a crash personal finances course, I don't see a rosy future ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

This is OP. He went to Vanderbilt for undergrad and Georgetown for his M.A in IR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

This is OP. He went to Vanderbilt for undergrad and Georgetown for his M.A in IR.

You should have a talk with him about your concerns. What is his future vision? Are you ok with him supporting his parents forever?

You know if you can do better. It's very smart to think of your future and how you will live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

This is OP. He went to Vanderbilt for undergrad and Georgetown for his M.A in IR.

You should have a talk with him about your concerns. What is his future vision? Are you ok with him supporting his parents forever?

You know if you can do better. It's very smart to think of your future and how you will live.

OP here.

I love him. He is a gem of a man who is kind and extremely generous. Can I do better financial in the DMV? Probably. Better personality wise? IDK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

This is OP. He went to Vanderbilt for undergrad and Georgetown for his M.A in IR.

He has good degrees. He needs to learn how to hustle and make more money. 75k isn't enough at 28 when you have good degrees, lots of debt and lots of moochers in your life.