I wish women would demand more in a relationship before getting intimate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And overall, I wish people were less promiscuous.

I look at a 26 year old who I have known since childhood. College graduate, so so job.

So far this woman has lived with two men, had at least 15 partners since the age of 15. Two STDs one requiring surgery. Around the time of the surgery, not one "Boyfriend" around. Even if they were around, they could do nothing for her since none of them have a thing to offer her. She is becoming more and more cynical at such a young age.
She told me that she wanted marriage, but in her world, that is almost a dirty word. She believed that if she uttered words like that to the men she dated, they would have run away. I suggested that she feel less ashamed of the M word and to treat herself well.

I am in healthcare and I see the burden of complications of sexual activity placed squarely on women. The worst thing is that many of these women have little to show for it.

I sometimes think that if more women held back and made greater demands from their partners things would change. I wish more women would be honest with themselves about what they really want.

Just a ramble, but don't want to see my dd who is just 10 in the same mess.

You worry about you.

Your post is patently offensive. This notion that they should have something to show for having sex is sexist, misogynistic, and disgusting. Shame on you.

And you worry about YOU. You clearly misread (or, more likely, projected your own distorted thoughts) onto OP's post. This friend WANTS marriage and stability.

Sometimes what people really want and what they convey are patently different. My guess is that when this person truly feels the need to settle down, it will happen.

As for the STD she got that needed surgery - sounds like HPV. It's almost unavoidable if you are dating, and there's no screening test for men. So you can be completely careful and still get it.

Correction. It is almost unavoidable if you are having sex with multiple partners, outside of a committed relationship. In other words, behaving in a promiscuous manner. That has nothing to do with "dating."

My aunt was wild in the 80s - partied at Studio 54, had a lot of boyfriends, lot of fun, etc.

She settled down with a man she put through law school, who was gay and was cheating on her. This was during the height of the AIDS epidemic, and she was scared shitless.

After the divorce, she met and married my uncle who is an amazing man who turned out to be a sex addict. He was cheating on her over 20 years, and she was faithful. He gave her herpes.

So please.. shut the hell up.

I'm sorry, but I fail to see what your one little story about your fun-loving aunt has to do with facts about general human nature.

The point I was trying to get across is that you can get STDs even when you are in a committed relationship. And yes, my uncle was in a committed relationship as well; he is utterly devoted to my aunt. He just happens to be a sex addict. And I suppose he probably has a virgin/whore complex. And yes, my aunt is not a virgin, but he definitely held her up on a pedestal and cheated on her with a lot of prostitutes and strippers.

The really tragic part is that he also squandered their money, and my aunt - who became a SAHM soon after the birth of her first child - had no clue until it was all gone. She has a husband still and beautiful children, but her newfound 'chastity' got her nothing else.

Meanwhile, while she was 'whoring' in her 20s, she was amazing, had a career, had traveled extensively, had crazy adventures, and was a very wealthy single woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you suggest women break out of that circle?

I guess I'm kinda like your friend, minus living with guys and the STD's, outside of two short relationships, I've been single my whole adult life (I'm 31).
I don't think I know how to have a normal healthy relationship because I was never in one (broke up with my last bf after 4 months because he didn't treat me very nice) and my parents had a terrible relationship.

I tried therapy but that did nothing to help matters.

I think people are quick to judge but not everyone is as lucky to be taught what a real healthy relationship should be like and how to find one and be in one.

PP it is trial and error for everyone, even people who came from stable families that modeled a good relationship I did not have a good model for relationships either, and I got married very early partly as a result, and DH and I are still working on it. I think EVERYONE is struggling, at least sometimes.

Usually it is as basic as treat others as you want to be treated, and if someone is not treating you right, consider why, and consider why you are putting up with it. And take it slow! The right guy won't mind if he is serious too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many women still equate low number of sexual partners with morality and emotional health.

No we are relating it to physical health, did you read?

I'm one of the first one that responded to this thread. I specifically said the only problem I might see with women having a high number of sexual partners is physical health (if they don't protect themselves appropriately). That is the only straw the OP can grasp for. The rest is BS. Women can and should be sexual beings.

You can be a "sexual being" with one partner.

You absolutely can. But if it is more than one partner, that's totally ok too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And overall, I wish people were less promiscuous.

I look at a 26 year old who I have known since childhood. College graduate, so so job.

So far this woman has lived with two men, had at least 15 partners since the age of 15. Two STDs one requiring surgery. Around the time of the surgery, not one "Boyfriend" around. Even if they were around, they could do nothing for her since none of them have a thing to offer her. She is becoming more and more cynical at such a young age.
She told me that she wanted marriage, but in her world, that is almost a dirty word. She believed that if she uttered words like that to the men she dated, they would have run away. I suggested that she feel less ashamed of the M word and to treat herself well.

I am in healthcare and I see the burden of complications of sexual activity placed squarely on women. The worst thing is that many of these women have little to show for it.

I sometimes think that if more women held back and made greater demands from their partners things would change. I wish more women would be honest with themselves about what they really want.

Just a ramble, but don't want to see my dd who is just 10 in the same mess.

You worry about you.

Your post is patently offensive. This notion that they should have something to show for having sex is sexist, misogynistic, and disgusting. Shame on you.

And you worry about YOU. You clearly misread (or, more likely, projected your own distorted thoughts) onto OP's post. This friend WANTS marriage and stability.

Sometimes what people really want and what they convey are patently different. My guess is that when this person truly feels the need to settle down, it will happen.

As for the STD she got that needed surgery - sounds like HPV. It's almost unavoidable if you are dating, and there's no screening test for men. So you can be completely careful and still get it.

Correction. It is almost unavoidable if you are having sex with multiple partners, outside of a committed relationship. In other words, behaving in a promiscuous manner. That has nothing to do with "dating."

My aunt was wild in the 80s - partied at Studio 54, had a lot of boyfriends, lot of fun, etc.

She settled down with a man she put through law school, who was gay and was cheating on her. This was during the height of the AIDS epidemic, and she was scared shitless.

After the divorce, she met and married my uncle who is an amazing man who turned out to be a sex addict. He was cheating on her over 20 years, and she was faithful. He gave her herpes.

So please.. shut the hell up.

I'm sorry, but I fail to see what your one little story about your fun-loving aunt has to do with facts about general human nature.

The point I was trying to get across is that you can get STDs even when you are in a committed relationship. And yes, my uncle was in a committed relationship as well; he is utterly devoted to my aunt. He just happens to be a sex addict. And I suppose he probably has a virgin/whore complex. And yes, my aunt is not a virgin, but he definitely held her up on a pedestal and cheated on her with a lot of prostitutes and strippers.

The really tragic part is that he also squandered their money, and my aunt - who became a SAHM soon after the birth of her first child - had no clue until it was all gone. She has a husband still and beautiful children, but her newfound 'chastity' got her nothing else.

Meanwhile, while she was 'whoring' in her 20s, she was amazing, had a career, had traveled extensively, had crazy adventures, and was a very wealthy single woman.

Oh and I should add; she didn't have any STDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many women still equate low number of sexual partners with morality and emotional health.

No we are relating it to physical health, did you read?

I'm one of the first one that responded to this thread. I specifically said the only problem I might see with women having a high number of sexual partners is physical health (if they don't protect themselves appropriately). That is the only straw the OP can grasp for. The rest is BS. Women can and should be sexual beings.

You can be a "sexual being" with one partner.

You absolutely can. But if it is more than one partner, that's totally ok too.

Thanks for the input, but how many partners I do or don't sleep with isn't anyone's business but mine. (And maybe my partner(s).) One, two, twenty, two thousand... not your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The point I was trying to get across is that you can get STDs even when you are in a committed relationship. And yes, my uncle was in a committed relationship as well; he is utterly devoted to my aunt. He just happens to be a sex addict. And I suppose he probably has a virgin/whore complex. And yes, my aunt is not a virgin, but he definitely held her up on a pedestal and cheated on her with a lot of prostitutes and strippers.

The really tragic part is that he also squandered their money, and my aunt - who became a SAHM soon after the birth of her first child - had no clue until it was all gone. She has a husband still and beautiful children, but her newfound 'chastity' got her nothing else.

Meanwhile, while she was 'whoring' in her 20s, she was amazing, had a career, had traveled extensively, had crazy adventures, and was a very wealthy single woman.

My takeaway from your story, pp, is that it is not very encouraging that an "experienced" woman could not detect that her DH was a sex addict. What was the point of having all these experiences if none of them gave her the insight to stay away from a crappy potential spouse, arguably the most important decision of your life? And no, I don't believe that he "hid" this behavior completely, without red flags.

[Anonymous]

Also, pp, why are you talking with your aunt about her stds and when she got them?

That is really weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The point I was trying to get across is that you can get STDs even when you are in a committed relationship. And yes, my uncle was in a committed relationship as well; he is utterly devoted to my aunt. He just happens to be a sex addict. And I suppose he probably has a virgin/whore complex. And yes, my aunt is not a virgin, but he definitely held her up on a pedestal and cheated on her with a lot of prostitutes and strippers.

The really tragic part is that he also squandered their money, and my aunt - who became a SAHM soon after the birth of her first child - had no clue until it was all gone. She has a husband still and beautiful children, but her newfound 'chastity' got her nothing else.

Meanwhile, while she was 'whoring' in her 20s, she was amazing, had a career, had traveled extensively, had crazy adventures, and was a very wealthy single woman.

My takeaway from your story, pp, is that it is not very encouraging that an "experienced" woman could not detect that her DH was a sex addict. What was the point of having all these experiences if none of them gave her the insight to stay away from a crappy potential spouse, arguably the most important decision of your life? And no, I don't believe that he "hid" this behavior completely, without red flags.

More interesting is why this story is of such fascination to PP, the niece. I'm scared to think what "lesson" you think you are learning from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you suggest women break out of that circle?

I guess I'm kinda like your friend, minus living with guys and the STD's, outside of two short relationships, I've been single my whole adult life (I'm 31).
I don't think I know how to have a normal healthy relationship because I was never in one (broke up with my last bf after 4 months because he didn't treat me very nice) and my parents had a terrible relationship.

I tried therapy but that did nothing to help matters.

I think people are quick to judge but not everyone is as lucky to be taught what a real healthy relationship should be like and how to find one and be in one.

OP here, first, don't look for perfection. That will make you keep looking forever. Start with a set of good acceptable characteristics and go from there. Remember that you are not perfect. Throw out the men who carry the deal breakers. Work with the ones who are reasonable. At your age, try not to date only one man at a time. I am NOT suggesting sex with them, I am suggesting DATES. Having more than one friend will help you relax and feel less desperate. You might have flaws but a good man will see that you are working on them and appreciate that.
I got married late, and noticed success when I told the men I DATED straight up that I wanted marriage. I also had a rule that I shared with them: I would never have sex with a man I would not marry.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree, and I don't blame you for wanting more for your daughter. Your friend also deserves love and respect and it's obvious from your post that she isn't getting this from the men in her life. Unfortunately, like you shared, many women feel like they can't expect marriage or commitment these days. But, hopefully, you'll be able to help your daughter see differently....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the posters in here tsk tsking about how sad this generation of women is for offering all of this free sex are the same ones on here complaining about their no good, won't pull their weight around the house, emotionally disconnected husbands. Or did we get a new batch of people here?

yup. and as I mentioned earlier - many men (usually southern or fratty or southern AND fratty types or Arab) that demand sexual 'purity' from their wives have a virgin/whore complex. I know at least 8 men from my social circle who are cheating on their wives a lot. Some men I've known since college and some men who are friends with my now fiance who was a frat boy.

[Anonymous]

I am afraid to marry at the age of 45, and I have a lot to lose. I have easily owned cars, a house, paid off student loans, traveled, etc. I see friends who are now in their 40s and 50s, divorced, left by the husband/knight in shining armor, bankrupt, no house, no car, kids who are out of the house shortly and on to their own lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if the posters in here tsk tsking about how sad this generation of women is for offering all of this free sex are the same ones on here complaining about their no good, won't pull their weight around the house, emotionally disconnected husbands. Or did we get a new batch of people here?

yup. and as I mentioned earlier - many men (usually southern or fratty or southern AND fratty types or Arab) that demand sexual 'purity' from their wives have a virgin/whore complex. I know at least 8 men from my social circle who are cheating on their wives a lot. Some men I've known since college and some men who are friends with my now fiance who was a frat boy.

Who is projecting now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you suggest women break out of that circle?

I guess I'm kinda like your friend, minus living with guys and the STD's, outside of two short relationships, I've been single my whole adult life (I'm 31).
I don't think I know how to have a normal healthy relationship because I was never in one (broke up with my last bf after 4 months because he didn't treat me very nice) and my parents had a terrible relationship.

I tried therapy but that did nothing to help matters.

I think people are quick to judge but not everyone is as lucky to be taught what a real healthy relationship should be like and how to find one and be in one.

Don't worry, most of the people all riled up about "promiscuous" women not seeking real relationships and judging everyone who makes different choices aren't in good relationships themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how many women still equate low number of sexual partners with morality and emotional health.

No we are relating it to physical health, did you read?

I'm one of the first one that responded to this thread. I specifically said the only problem I might see with women having a high number of sexual partners is physical health (if they don't protect themselves appropriately). That is the only straw the OP can grasp for. The rest is BS. Women can and should be sexual beings.

You can be a "sexual being" with one partner.

You absolutely can. But if it is more than one partner, that's totally ok too.

Thanks for the input, but how many partners I do or don't sleep with isn't anyone's business but mine. (And maybe my partner(s).) One, two, twenty, two thousand... not your business.

That's EXACTLY MY POINT!!!!