Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child

[Anonymous]

Having never experienced any of these - both my parents are still living, I'm happily married, and have two children - the thought that terrifies me most is losing a child.

I might feel differently at a different stage of life, but at 40 years old with elementary school aged kids, that's where I am. But relationships are different for everyone, and grief is different for everyone. The only asshole is the one who tries to compare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.

I think that most normal, non selfish people would chose the child over themselves in this situation. That's what I told my DH.


If DH had to push either you or your child away from an oncoming train you'd want him to choose you? Nice.

+1

Oh wow that's very sad. Would you still today save yourself & DH over the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having never experienced any of these - both my parents are still living, I'm happily married, and have two children - the thought that terrifies me most is losing a child.

I might feel differently at a different stage of life, but at 40 years old with elementary school aged kids, that's where I am. But relationships are different for everyone, and grief is different for everyone. The only asshole is the one who tries to compare.

+1

[Anonymous]

Parent losing child.

[Anonymous]

Its really an interesting question with some startling answers. The mother who put herself ahead of the child. Well that kind of astonishes me.

I could survive (eventually) the loss of both parents (I just lost one and know this for a fact) and probably the loss of my husband. But I would never, ever recover from the loss of either of my children and I would find it very hard to continue living if either of them died. And if they both died, I would certainly kill myself. That would be the end for me.

[Anonymous]

losing a child is the hardest thing anyone can go through

[Anonymous]

My husband was seriously ill with a high probability of dying - he didn't. I love him dearly, but while he was ill, I used to imagine what my life would be without him. It was comforting to realize I could see a life, a rich life, without him.

I can't even imagine life without my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.

I think that most normal, non selfish people would chose the child over themselves in this situation. That's what I told my DH.


If DH had to push either you or your child away from an oncoming train you'd want him to choose you? Nice.

Don’t be ridiculous—you don’t sacrifice your wife for the baby when her life is in danger giving birth!


+1

Oh wow that's very sad. Would you still today save yourself & DH over the children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.

I think that most normal, non selfish people would chose the child over themselves in this situation. That's what I told my DH.


If DH had to push either you or your child away from an oncoming train you'd want him to choose you? Nice.

+1

Her comment was made as a mother to a child already, that if it should come to her or her unborn child, the husband should pick her. That isn’t unreasonable. She has a duty and responsibility to the existing child. Choosing herself and the happiness/stability over her existing child versus an unborn child is not unreasonable. Just because you would choose differently, that doesn’t make her choice wrong/immoral.

Transposing her initial statement with your own additions and flourishes (changing it to an existing child and adding the train) shows only that you are so desperate to make your point that you must to change facts/circumstances to get the pity vote. That isn’t how proper arguments work. Feel free to argue based on the facts/scenario presented, not what exists in your head.

[Anonymous]

My DH died last year--we never had kids, by choice, and we were each other's world. No one I know seems to have any understanding of how incredibly devastating this is. (I think some of them would not be terribly unhappy to suddenly find themselves alone, like PP.) I also lost my mother a few years ago.

All that said, I still believe that losing a child would be harder. It's not the natural order of things, and, if they die young, the ache of knowing that they didn't get a fair chance at life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's painful but part of life to lose a parent.
It's devastating to lose a spouse, but widows and widowers move on, remarry, etc.
I think you never, ever get over the death of a child.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50).

I would be devastated if I lost my husband. He is my best friend and I can't imagine losing him, but I believe I could survive. Part of me would die if I lost a child. I don't think I would ever recover from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a widow. I was devastated for several years, but I eventually recovered.

The people I know who have lost a child have never fully recovered from that loss. They have learned to live with it.

My good friend lost her husband to a heart attack when he was 44. 5 years later she seems to have covered and is dating again. My aunt and uncle lost their only child who was 10 and couldn't have another, it did devastate them completely for the rest of their lives.

Just my 2 cents.

[Anonymous]

1. Child
2. Spouse
3. Parent

I think that Losing a child is hardest and parent is easiest because the natural order of things is for parents to predecease their children. I put the spouse in the middle because when you lose a spouse you lose a big part of the support system you would lean on while grieving.

[Anonymous]

Yes losing anyone is painful but losing a child is the most painful.