Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how this is even a debate. Losing a child would be the most devastating event anyone can experience. Far worse than losing a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if I lost a child, and a friend who'd lost a spouse but was now remarried kept insisting that our grief was the same, I would never speak to that person again, and would actively avoid her. And would probably not spend a ton of time with people who continued to socialize with her. SMDH.

+1

This is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.

DP. I can see how some people may adjust better than others. I used to work with a woman whose adult son unexpectedly died. I don't know if he was her only child, but he was married and had a new baby. Sometime later we learned that the woman got promoted to a new position and left our office. This means that she applied and interviewed for a new job shortly after the death of her son. This seemed really bizarre, because I didn't know people can pick themselves up just like that, but obviously some can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's painful but part of life to lose a parent.
It's devastating to lose a spouse, but widows and widowers move on, remarry, etc.
I think you never, ever get over the death of a child.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's painful but part of life to lose a parent.
It's devastating to lose a spouse, but widows and widowers move on, remarry, etc.
I think you never, ever get over the death of a child.

This. Also I don't know personally but my dad lost his dad when he was 11, and it affected him very deeply. Obviously I didn't know him as a kid but it was very hard. He became the man of the house. He also lost a child and imo, it destroyed him. He almost killed himself over it. It's my absolute worst fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

Not replaceable. I love them both so much though that I know if I had a third I'd love that one just as much. I had a difficult labor and remember making DH promise to choose me instead of the baby if there was a question of that.

I think that most normal, non selfish people would chose the child over themselves in this situation. That's what I told my DH.


If DH had to push either you or your child away from an oncoming train you'd want him to choose you? Nice.

[Anonymous]

Losing a child, of course. How is this even a question?!

[Anonymous]

I think they need to stop the grieving olympics. Pain is pain and not meant for comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scientific Studies have shown that losing a spouse is the most stressful event that one can experience in one's lifetime. Note that they said the word stressful. Not grief. I think grief is very individual and cannot be measured. I know people who have lost a spouse and a child and have said that the loss of their spouse was the worst thing. I have a friend who lost a child and a parent and said the loss of their child was worse. So I think its individual based on the relationship.

I would think losing a parent is "stressful" in that it completely upends your daily life -- depending of where you are in your lifestage, it means adapting to loss of income, estate logistics, losing your partner for daily activities both leisure and work around the home, perhaps having to be a single parent to grieving children, etc.

Losing a child, particularly an adult child, is emotionally devastating but for most people doesn't impact all your daily activities in the same way that loss of spouse does.

That said, seeing both play out among friends and family, I think the loss of a child tends to be more permanently devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing a child is something you never get over and something you'd never expect

This is a very 21st-century-western sort of sentiment.

Although I completely agree that losing a spouse doesn't hold a handle to losing a child.

Yes, read older literature and it used to be losing a child was a normal part of life but to lose a spouse (especially a husband) would mean economic devastation. So for a woman 150 years ago, widowhood would be worse than a child's death and could mean losing your other children if you had no way to support them. However, men had a pretty high likelihood of losing a wife in childbirth so that was a more expected loss.

[Anonymous]

It's true that you can move on from losing a spouse much more easily than losing a parent or a child.

[Anonymous]

Parent losing child, I don't think our brains or experiences are wired to accept having to bury child. We expect a parent to go first and know spouses pass, but a child going first is bad. The exception may be a child losing a parent at young age. It all is rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Losing a child is something you never get over and something you'd never expect

This is a very 21st-century-western sort of sentiment.

Although I completely agree that losing a spouse doesn't hold a handle to losing a child.

Yes, read older literature and it used to be losing a child was a normal part of life but to lose a spouse (especially a husband) would mean economic devastation. So for a woman 150 years ago, widowhood would be worse than a child's death and could mean losing your other children if you had no way to support them. However, men had a pretty high likelihood of losing a wife in childbirth so that was a more expected loss.

Hence the outdated standard of 'til death do us part: people were generally dropping like flies, young and old. In them olden days people had a dozen children and didn't expect half of them ot survive into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

This is an old thread, btw.

I have to wonder if maybe every time one woman says "I miss my husband," or comments on the general sadness of not being able to grow old with him, etc, maybe the other woman chimes in with "get over it. I'm the one who lost a child. You don't know what real grief is." So then the widow argues her point.

That s the only way I can think of that a widow would try to one up a grieving mom.