Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a widow. I was devastated for several years, but I eventually recovered.

The people I know who have lost a child have never fully recovered from that loss. They have learned to live with it.

+1

+2

+3

And I think that applies even when the child is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Losing a child is something you never get over and something you'd never expect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50).

I have a friend who is in her 60s and lost her husband of about 40 years. They have no children. I doubt she's going to "move forward" because she pretty much spent most of her life with him. So I would caution someone against minimizing her grief or the huge impact (and change to her life) that losing her spouse has had by saying it isn't as bad as (fill in the blank).

I also would not do that to someone who just lost a child, no matter how old they were or whether or not they could have another one.

I just don't think you can view humans as replaceable -- whether they are spouses, parents or children. So telling someone that, "hey, it's not so bad because you can remarry" or "hey, at least you can still have more children!" is obnoxious.

There are some things that just shouldn't be ranked and compared. And grief and losing someone close to you are among those things.

It also all depends. A lot depends on the relationship. Some people aren't close to their parents. Some people love their spouses, but they never viewed them as life partners and lived a long time without them, so perhaps to them, the experience would be different. And believe it or not, some people aren't close to their children. I know everyone likes to say that a parent's love for their child is unconditional, but there are many instances where that just doesn't appear to be the case.

So who knows how people who fall into the above categories deal with the losses.

I also think that one aspect of how hard a loss is on people is what other resources for joy they have in their lives. Someone who isn't very social, doesn't have a large social/familiar network and is pretty much reliant on spouse/parent/child for most of their social interaction might take the loss harder partly because the person literally was their *entire* life.

It really all depends. And I think trying to rank loss in those stark terms is naive, ignorant and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50).

I have a friend who is in her 60s and lost her husband of about 40 years. They have no children. I doubt she's going to "move forward" because she pretty much spent most of her life with him. So I would caution someone against minimizing her grief or the huge impact (and change to her life) that losing her spouse has had by saying it isn't as bad as (fill in the blank).

I also would not do that to someone who just lost a child, no matter how old they were or whether or not they could have another one.

I just don't think you can view humans as replaceable -- whether they are spouses, parents or children. So telling someone that, "hey, it's not so bad because you can remarry" or "hey, at least you can still have more children!" is obnoxious.

There are some things that just shouldn't be ranked and compared. And grief and losing someone close to you are among those things.

It also all depends. A lot depends on the relationship. Some people aren't close to their parents. Some people love their spouses, but they never viewed them as life partners and lived a long time without them, so perhaps to them, the experience would be different. And believe it or not, some people aren't close to their children. I know everyone likes to say that a parent's love for their child is unconditional, but there are many instances where that just doesn't appear to be the case.

So who knows how people who fall into the above categories deal with the losses.

I also think that one aspect of how hard a loss is on people is what other resources for joy they have in their lives. Someone who isn't very social, doesn't have a large social/familiar network and is pretty much reliant on spouse/parent/child for most of their social interaction might take the loss harder partly because the person literally was their *entire* life.

It really all depends. And I think trying to rank loss in those stark terms is naive, ignorant and immature.

+1 Well said.

[Anonymous]

Agreed, pp. And just to clarify: the only ones comparing and ranking the grief are the two women...constantly...and we are on the sidelines observing these awkward debates.

The widow is young and happily remarried (and candidly, she was on the cusp of leaving her first husband when he unexpectedly passed away). And she's usually the instigator of the scenes. The woman who lost her child is older and struggling with the loss (young adult child died in an accident).

And everyone is at a loss as to what to say. After being together over the holidays and observing this, I feel like someone should say something to the widow. I'm trying to light a fire under a relative to do that (since I don't live near them and rarely see them since they live abroad). But my relative doesn't know what to say.

It's a tough and bizarre situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed, pp. And just to clarify: the only ones comparing and ranking the grief are the two women...constantly...and we are on the sidelines observing these awkward debates.

The widow is young and happily remarried (and candidly, she was on the cusp of leaving her first husband when he unexpectedly passed away). And she's usually the instigator of the scenes. The woman who lost her child is older and struggling with the loss (young adult child died in an accident).

And everyone is at a loss as to what to say. After being together over the holidays and observing this, I feel like someone should say something to the widow. I'm trying to light a fire under a relative to do that (since I don't live near them and rarely see them since they live abroad). But my relative doesn't know what to say.

It's a tough and bizarre situation.

Yep. That is tough and bizarre. Sorry you're dealing with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a child is something you never get over and something you'd never expect

+1 And no matter the age of the child, it is devastating. In contrast, you go into marriage knowing that you will one day either see your spouse die, or be the one to die first. Of course, it's awful if it happens when you are young but having seen friends go through both, losing a child seems to be a unique level of horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50).

Does the remarried one have any children of her own?

[Anonymous]

Losing a child is worse. Biologically, children should outlive their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a widow. I was devastated for several years, but I eventually recovered.

The people I know who have lost a child have never fully recovered from that loss. They have learned to live with it.

I am also a widow and it is terrible. I can't imagine getting over it, but I suspect losing a child might be worse.

[Anonymous]

My brother was murdered 20 years ago when I was a tween. Yes my parents have moved on but the pain is still there. I think about him everyday. The question my parents struggle with the most is when asked how many children do you have ? Even 20 years later it's a tough question to answer. Do you say 1 which would be me or do you say 2 but we lost 1. Usually they say 1 but for the first 10 years they always said 2.

[Anonymous]

I would refuse to engage in these conversations, especially over months.

[Anonymous]

I lost my mother young (early teens). It was bad and even now, at age 50, I think about it every day. Still, I'd have to say losing a child is very difficult, maybe more difficult than loss of a parent. My father has lost two wives and a daughter, all to cancer. The cumulative effect of that would devastate me, but he's made of very strong stuff.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a widow. My dad died when I was 11. Mom died when I was in college. Both sudden.

I've never gotten over the death of my parents, especially my mom- but I still think the loss of a child would be the absolute worst. I think that kind of pain would never truly subside. Your children are simply not meant to die before you and the funeral of a child would be incredibly difficult to make peace with.

It's just not the natural law of nature for it to happen in that order which makes it particularly painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's painful but part of life to lose a parent.
It's devastating to lose a spouse, but widows and widowers move on, remarry, etc.
I think you never, ever get over the death of a child.

If that happens when you're an adult, yes. If it happens when you're a child, that's quite different.

I agree that you never, ever get over the death of a child.