Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child
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Anonymous
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Odd question, but I have two friends currently debating this:
Is it more difficult to lose a spouse OR a child (for a parent to lose a child) or a parent (for a young child to lose a parent)? I don't have a horse in this race. Sadly, the other two do (one lost a spouse, the other lost a child). I think it's a bizarre and morbid debate, but I'm curious what other folks think (especially folks who have lost someone). One person is adamant that the grief is equal (which I think is a bit silly since no two people experience grief the same way). The other says that an adult can fall in love, remarry and move forward in a way that a kid who loses a parent or a parent who loses a child simply can't (makes sense to me). Thoughts? I obviously can't discuss this with my friends. |
Anonymous
| Child losing parent. |
Anonymous
| What about parent losing a child? |
Anonymous
| What a morbid debate! Well, my understanding is the traumas experienced early on in life are more defining than those experienced in the adult years. For example, I saw some data on resiliency for kids who were molested before 10 versus women who were raped in college but otherwise had a stable childhood - people abused in childhood had more difficulty than those whose reference point for life was one of happiness & stability. So to the extent that one can extrapolate, I'd guess a major loss during childhood is more traumatic because it becomes the core of who that child is and grows up to be, whereas losing a spouse as an adult - you had some sense of identify before & during marriage so you should be able to maintain some sense of self after the loss. |
Anonymous
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I think it's painful but part of life to lose a parent.
It's devastating to lose a spouse, but widows and widowers move on, remarry, etc. I think you never, ever get over the death of a child. |
Anonymous
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I think losing a child would be harder because it is not the way the circle of life should work. I am prepared that I might lose my husband. But losing a child is against the natural order of things and not something I am prepared to deal with.
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Anonymous
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OP here.
Putting the loss of a parent aside, what about losing a spouse vs. losing a child? That's the real debate. And it's exacerbated by the fact that one friend just got married (thus, prompting the "moving forward" comment from the other one who lost a child (and can't have another one since she's pushing 50). |
Anonymous
Are they really debating this? Oh my. Grief and loss is different for everyone so there can't a universal answer. I know which would be harder for me, but that doesn't mean that is the answer. |
Anonymous
This seems like the most godawful one-upmanship I've ever heard. |
Anonymous
| Yes, they are really debating this. It's been going on for months (ever since one got remarried). I don't know why the married one simply won't give in and say, "Hey Sally, maybe you are right. It sounds like you are still really struggling with losing Joey...and I'm so sorry." Instead, she keeps the debate going. |
Anonymous
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I am a widow. I was devastated for several years, but I eventually recovered.
The people I know who have lost a child have never fully recovered from that loss. They have learned to live with it. |
Anonymous
Wow. I don't even know what to say. I feel bad for everyone involved. |
Anonymous
Your remarried friend sounds really hateful. Either she's still completely hung up on her grief over her late husband and shouldn't have remarried, or she's using his death and her grief as a prize to hold over other people, which is really gross. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
+2 |