Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting thread because throughout history, it was quite common to lose children. It is probably just in the past 100 years when we have small families and children tend to survive.

This all depends on the relationships and partly on the age. I have relatives who lost both of their adult children and they never recovered. But I also had a relative who lost her husband after a long and difficult marriage and she never recovered. I don't think it being difficult made it easier - I think it made it harder because they second-guessed so much of the relationship. I do think that sometimes, parents who have very young children who die, do get through it easier than an older child. If a child is born and not likely to live, for example, many parents get through that and try again. I've yet to meet a parent who was able to get through the death of their 10 yo or 16yo the same way.

[Anonymous]

My child lost both parents suddenly as a four year old. Maybe if he just lost one, it would be different, but his sense of safety in the world was irrevocably shattered. I lost a parent in my late teens, and that loss doesn't compare.

I'm not going to judge whether that's worse that losing a child, or losing a spouse. Both sound awful, but the idea that his loss is just "part of life" and thus less tragic is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a child that lost both parents (age 3, age 13). I also lost a sibling (age 13).

Becoming a 29 year old widow due to a traumatic death was by far harder than either above experience. The next 60 years of my life vanished in a second.

Aw man, I can only imagine your heartbreak. 😪 that’s too much tragedy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an interesting thread because throughout history, it was quite common to lose children. It is probably just in the past 100 years when we have small families and children tend to survive.

This all depends on the relationships and partly on the age. I have relatives who lost both of their adult children and they never recovered. But I also had a relative who lost her husband after a long and difficult marriage and she never recovered. I don't think it being difficult made it easier - I think it made it harder because they second-guessed so much of the relationship. I do think that sometimes, parents who have very young children who die, do get through it easier than an older child. If a child is born and not likely to live, for example, many parents get through that and try again. I've yet to meet a parent who was able to get through the death of their 10 yo or 16yo the same way.

With all due respect, I can promise you that no grieving parent gets through it. Ever. You just keep going. You grieve forever. Everyone does it differently.

[Anonymous]

It is not a contest.