Losing a spouse vs. Losing a parent or child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this order: Child losing parent, parent losing child, then spouse losing spouse. Seen impact firsthand in my own family.

Having lived through the first, and witnessing the last, I agree with this list.

[Anonymous]

I know people who never reengaged in normal life after both kinds of loss, and I know people who have.

My bet is that your friends won't remain friends much longer. It sounds like adolescence..

[Anonymous]

No right or wrong answer to this debate. Maybe they could focus on how to support each other instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Losing a child is something you never get over and something you'd never expect

This is a very 21st-century-western sort of sentiment.

Although I completely agree that losing a spouse doesn't hold a handle to losing a child.

[Anonymous]

You need new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't need help. The consensus among family and friends is that the widow is deriving some enjoyment/support by retaining the widow moniker...but none of us is a widow so we don't understand what that's all about. And we feel like she needs to be more supportive of the person who lost a child and clearly is struggling with the loss instead of constantly bringing up the fact that she lost a spouse, their grief should be equal, yet she's happily moved forward (of course, she's remarried but doesn't recognize how that factors into their different situations).

I really didn't want to get into all the details here, although it doesn't matter since they both live in another country.

But you are correct pp that I was hoping to glean some info from folks who have experienced such loss. And based on what I've read here, the widows have managed to move forward while the parents have struggled. That's what I suspected, and that's what I've observed from folks I know who have lost a child.

Why do you want insight into this? There is something wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed, pp. And just to clarify: the only ones comparing and ranking the grief are the two women...constantly...and we are on the sidelines observing these awkward debates.

The widow is young and happily remarried (and candidly, she was on the cusp of leaving her first husband when he unexpectedly passed away). And she's usually the instigator of the scenes. The woman who lost her child is older and struggling with the loss (young adult child died in an accident).

And everyone is at a loss as to what to say. After being together over the holidays and observing this, I feel like someone should say something to the widow. I'm trying to light a fire under a relative to do that (since I don't live near them and rarely see them since they live abroad). But my relative doesn't know what to say.

It's a tough and bizarre situation.

Why observe this? You sound positively mentally ill.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a morbid, bizarre debate. There is a broad spectrum regarding how people experience grief; it is callous to generalize.

My personal thought (which is, thank god, fully hypothetical right now, since my parents, spouse and child are all alive) is that losing my child would be the worst because it would be completely unexpected. Although I don't think we can ever fully anticipate how losing a close family member would feel, we all know that the natural cycle of life is such that we should outlive our parents. We also know that, assuming our spouse is around the same age as us, there is a chance we will outlive our spouse. No one expects to outlive their child.

Just my own perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's painful but part of life to lose a parent.
It's devastating to lose a spouse, but widows and widowers move on, remarry, etc.
I think you never, ever get over the death of a child.

This.

Parents are supposed to die first.

Losing a child is the most painful thing that could happen to anyone.

People move on quite easily from losing a spouse. For men it sometimes takes just weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Your child sounds replaceable to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Many men with wives who feel this way end up remarrying very soon after the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if this depends on the age of the child. I love my toddler and baby immensely, but if they died, I would have another. I truly don't think anyone could replace DH and I don't think I could parent or go through life with young children without him. In our 60s I'm sure I will feel differently as women start to naturally lose husbands then.

Many men with wives who feel this way end up remarrying very soon after the funeral.

People who were happily married are the most likely to remarry after the death of their spouse.

[Anonymous]

I think your friends need to stop this stupid debate. Tell the widow (who seems to be the instigator) to knock it off, because debating whose grief is worse is disgusting. When one of them starts it, say loudly, "We are not listening to this debate again. Grief is not a contest. Stop." And I'd leave the room.

[Anonymous]

I think if I lost a child, and a friend who'd lost a spouse but was now remarried kept insisting that our grief was the same, I would never speak to that person again, and would actively avoid her. And would probably not spend a ton of time with people who continued to socialize with her. SMDH.