When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

I feel for you. I went through this, exactly. You sound like a good man as does OP so here is some advice that has worked for me.

I had the talk with DW, told her I was deeply unhappy. I didn't threaten divorce but I did tell her that I the lack of sex made me question whether our marriage would survive or that if it did, I would need to have some other sexual outlet. She was floored, she cried, we fought, it escalated, but when the emotions calmed down, she told me that she would much rather I just fuck her whether she was in the mood or not. She really wanted me to, not because she wanted to get fucked, but she would rather endure a fuck than endure a divorce.

I was hesitant. It wasn't ideal, it did feel sort of rapey. But I took her at her word and in a perverse (no pun intended) way, I thought I owed it to her to try her suggestion rather than be miserable and/or cheat and divorce.

So it's been about a year, and I will tell you things are better. We have way more sex, which puts me in a better mood, more romantic and has me happily contribute more around the house which puts her in a mood more often. And once we start, usually she will get into it, and if she isn't, I try to finish quickly.

It's not ideal but we are in a better spot. Bottom line, you need to have sex with your spouse. See if she would be willing to humor you and see if that starts a better spiral. What do you have to lose?

This is so sad. So many miserable marriages out there. The crazy thing is many people don't know their spouse is miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bluffing? You shared vows with this person! Why would you devote time and energy to someone outside your marriage? Think back, did you ever think it would come to this?
It not fair to DW or OW to do this. The time and effort spent on someone else should be devoted to trying to solve this.
What you describe is a threat. If you want to do it that way threaten divorce.
If DH came to me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not want to be a part of it. I have the right to a healthy STD free life.

His wife does have the right not to be part of it. Her choices are get off her laurels and foster this part of their relationship, or divorce. You can't force someone to live in celibacy. So you either live up to your end of things or let them find a partner who will give them what they need. But the kind thing to do is let her know this is the state of the marriage and give her the ability to choose how she proceeds.

We are saying the same thing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a passenger on this train and I do not reccomend telling your DW that you have a potential person in mind. Why would you want her to wonder about who this "prize" is all the time?
As a spouse I would obviously think the emotions affair is already in play. DONT do that!!!

This. Stupid idea. Keep it discrete, don't be an ass and flaunt it. It's been going on for thousands of years and will go on for thousands more.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough call.

On one hand, morally it would be wrong to betray your wife, and thus your children by going outside of your marriage w/another woman. Even though you may think you will not get caught, nothing in life is never 100% as you may know...Well that is except for death and taxes, but that is for another forum....

Anyway, in theory, I can see how traumatic a divorce would be on your children considering their age(s). From their side, it would be to their advantage to keep the family/home in tact + they wouldn't have to know a thing.

So if I were in your shoes, I would probably opt for the latter option.

Not saying it is the right option, but it would be the right one for me.

It's really your call OP.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

An affair should be discreet, not discrete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:explain the situation to her and see what she says and get back to us

I am the one who said tell her so she can assess her three options and I think you should also let her know that you have a potentially willing partner for a discreet, sex only relationship if that's what she chooses. Not as a threat, but so she knows that you're not just idly waving that around to get a rise out of her. It is a SERIOUS possibility. Don't name names, don't be ugly about it, just let her know that that is a distinct opportunity and you will take it if she decides she's okay with an open marriage. Chances are, she won't be, because most American women in monogamous relationships are not, so that means the other two are your more likely paths (more sex with her or divorce). But I would absolutely let her know that the open marriage thing is fully on the table at this point with a willing partner so she knows you aren't just bluffing. That would piss me off but it would also give me a kick in the ass that my marriage was heading down a very serious path and I needed to take some kind of action for myself.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. I have a babysitter coming Saturday, going to a nice restaurant, good for quiet conversation. I think this is a better setting to have this kind of talk over wine.

[Anonymous]

Whoa, you're going to drop this bomb during date night? And discuss your sex life in the muffle of a fancy restaurant?

I would reconsider this course of action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, you're going to drop this bomb during date night? And discuss your sex life in the muffle of a fancy restaurant?

I would reconsider this course of action.

I would too and it was my advice. Don't trick her into thinking it's a nice date night and then do it there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, you're going to drop this bomb during date night? And discuss your sex life in the muffle of a fancy restaurant?

I would reconsider this course of action.

Yeah, that's crazy. If your foreplay is like this decision, it may not be all your wife's fault.

[Anonymous]

It's so easy for the pontificators to call you scum and just get a divorce. They clearly have no experience in dealing with someone who is hardheaded. It's actually pretty hard to find a decent AP so if you have one lined up you have nothing to lose - you're headed for divorce either way so the affair may give you perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, you're going to drop this bomb during date night? And discuss your sex life in the muffle of a fancy restaurant?

I would reconsider this course of action.

Yeah, that's crazy. If your foreplay is like this decision, it may not be all your wife's fault.

Where is a good place to have this conversation? Just a random night of the week with the kids in bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whoa, you're going to drop this bomb during date night? And discuss your sex life in the muffle of a fancy restaurant?

I would reconsider this course of action.

Yeah, that's crazy. If your foreplay is like this decision, it may not be all your wife's fault.

Where is a good place to have this conversation? Just a random night of the week with the kids in bed?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband here in very similar position to OP, but not considering cheating.

Part of the problem is the negative results of brinksmanship. I don't want to threaten my wife with divorce (or an affair) to convince her to have sex with me any more than I want to threaten her with violence. So I tell her I want more sex, but I leave out the "or else."

Not to rain too much on a parade, but when I see suggestions like in the prior post to have date nights and romance her, I think they're just very naïve. I wouldn't be venting here if I hadn't tried those things.

And wives in this position who just wish their husbands would romance and try to seduce them, think back to how you got in this dynamic. I spent many nights over many years trying to romance and seduce my wife only to get rejected. Fool me once, shame on you. Reject me 1,000 times and don't turn around and expect me to try time number 1,001. You need to initiate a lot of sex first, then only after that, tell me you want to be seduced. And then fuck me every single time I seduce you. No excuses. Then, and only then, I will start putting in that effort again. Until then, you've beaten me down and you have to live with the consequences. Don't blame me. Sorry for the vent.

/s/ good dad, sensitive and kind husband, who lives in a sexless marriage with his best friend.

I feel for you. I went through this, exactly. You sound like a good man as does OP so here is some advice that has worked for me.

I had the talk with DW, told her I was deeply unhappy. I didn't threaten divorce but I did tell her that I the lack of sex made me question whether our marriage would survive or that if it did, I would need to have some other sexual outlet. She was floored, she cried, we fought, it escalated, but when the emotions calmed down, she told me that she would much rather I just fuck her whether she was in the mood or not. She really wanted me to, not because she wanted to get fucked, but she would rather endure a fuck than endure a divorce.

I was hesitant. It wasn't ideal, it did feel sort of rapey. But I took her at her word and in a perverse (no pun intended) way, I thought I owed it to her to try her suggestion rather than be miserable and/or cheat and divorce.

So it's been about a year, and I will tell you things are better. We have way more sex, which puts me in a better mood, more romantic and has me happily contribute more around the house which puts her in a mood more often. And once we start, usually she will get into it, and if she isn't, I try to finish quickly.

It's not ideal but we are in a better spot. Bottom line, you need to have sex with your spouse. See if she would be willing to humor you and see if that starts a better spiral. What do you have to lose?

That may work for you but having sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me does not sound like my idea of a good time or a sexually fulfilling marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:explain the situation to her and see what she says and get back to us

I am the one who said tell her so she can assess her three options and I think you should also let her know that you have a potentially willing partner for a discreet, sex only relationship if that's what she chooses. Not as a threat, but so she knows that you're not just idly waving that around to get a rise out of her. It is a SERIOUS possibility. Don't name names, don't be ugly about it, just let her know that that is a distinct opportunity and you will take it if she decides she's okay with an open marriage. Chances are, she won't be, because most American women in monogamous relationships are not, so that means the other two are your more likely paths (more sex with her or divorce). But I would absolutely let her know that the open marriage thing is fully on the table at this point with a willing partner so she knows you aren't just bluffing. That would piss me off but it would also give me a kick in the ass that my marriage was heading down a very serious path and I needed to take some kind of action for myself.

OP here. Thanks for the advice. I have a babysitter coming Saturday, going to a nice restaurant, good for quiet conversation. I think this is a better setting to have this kind of talk over wine.

If she is smart, she will just kick you out and go straight to divorce giving you what you want. Then maybe she can find a husband who is a real man