When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I have to tell my wife I'm going to divorce her before she'll make the effort to have sex with me, I don't want to have sex with her. That's just rapey.

To the OP - probably you've thought of this, but take a close look at birth control if she's on any. Hormones can really screw with a woman without her realizing that's what is snuffing her sex drive.

OP here. Interesting on the BC angle. I have mentioned getting snipped so she can get off BC. She actually has been against it, doesn't want to forclose us having more kids. Which, in retrospect, shows that she really is in la-la land thinking our marriage is going to last.

Thanks for all the good suggestions.

OP, you are a true ass. If you aren't going to treat her with respect and be actively engaged and follow your marriage vows, do your wife a favor and leave. Why drag her through an affair and divorce when it is going to lead to divorce anyway. You are looking for someone to say it was a great idea, worked out great, wife was ok with it.
In terms of being a dad. My dad cheated on my mom 10 years ago for several years. My husband and I suspected it but had no proof (I would have told my mom). We think it went on longer than that. She tried to work things out after a separation and he kept cheating. At that point, I was the one who pushed her to put him out again (I didn't support her taking him back as it went against everything they taught me). I was very close to both my parents and with all the drama, now I don't feel close to either one. You will hurt your kids more by cheating and divorcing rather than just divorcing. My mom was miserable and took it out on me, which caused a rift. She is now much happier with her new boyfriend and it has worked out well for her. My dad is still having his flings and really regrets leaving my mom (she'd never take him back and he'd never stop cheating). He is very lonely while she isn't. Our relationship is very superficial now. I hate to admit it but I lost part of the closeness out of lack of respect for him. He has completely changed from the dad I grew up with who was very attentive and put our family first. It makes me sad that I basically lost part of both my parents - not because of the separation so much as the affairs. My dad, like you, justified it due to the lack of sex (just what a grown child needs to hear) and continues to even though much of the lack was due to his behaviors and health issues.

Just divorce your wife. Give her the good car, house and kids. Make sure she is set up well financially, including college for the kids and retirement... let her move on with her life. You have your fun and see how life isn't greener on the other side. Don't think your kids will not know. Don't think that it will not alter a part of the respect your kids have for you.

Would you be ok if your daughter's husband had affairs on her? Would you be ok with him having sex with someone, not telling her and her catching some disease that could kill her.

You don't deserve your wife. Get a divorce, then move on.

It seems that you blame your own unhappiness on your father, even though all your evidence is just a belief.

I'm not unhappy at all. My dad is the unhappy one. Mom is upset over the cheating but much happier overall now. It makes me sad that my relationships with my parents are not as strong as they were but they do not see it that way. There is evidence of the affairs. I found some of it, mom and sister found others of it. Don't kid yourself to think you will not get caught. I disapprove of my dad's lies with relationships so its hard having a real conversation with him as you can tell he's not always telling the truth to try to make himself look good now.

So you would prefer that your parents had divorced? In that case, you were likely not going to be close to your father either, if you remembered him at all. Moreover, if your mother remarried, your life would be bad if the stepfather turned out to be bad.

My parents are still married but living separately. This happened in the past 8 years (that we know of). My dad would have always been involved, financially supported us (if I needed money he'd help) and had a relationship with us. He cheated on her, not me. I have never questioned how much he loves me. My mom is now in a long term relationship - he's a decent guy. I've met a few of my dad's past girlfriends (he refuses the current one so my guess is she is married or younger than me) - all very nice to us. If my mom married the guy she is currently with, it would have been fine. He treats us well and really treats my kids like his own grandkids. I would love for my parents to divorce for many reasons but they are not. Just because parents divorce does not mean they disappear.

[Anonymous]

explain the situation to her and see what she says and get back to us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Another wife here. This was exactly the thought process I went through, and decided I didn't want my H having sex with me out of duty. An affair made so much sense. I became calmer because I was being desired and receiving physical pleasure and H was much less tense around me, knowing I wouldn't push him for sex more than every week or ten days.

There are seriously men out there that don't want to have sex with their wives?

What are their reasoning?

I can see if DW gained a lot of weight and isn't sexy anymore. But if DW stayed in decent shape and had a high sex drive, why the hell wouldn't a man not want to be in his DW all the time?

As a man I can't imagine not having a sex drive. That would scare me and I'd be at the Dr. quick fast.

I don't know if there is any medication for women with low sex drives. Besides, OP SAYS his wife has a low sex drive. What if he's awful in bed and she can't put up with it any more? OP doesn't say if she is religious. Too many religions have brainwashed women into thinking they shouldn't enjoy sex and a lot of them have NO IDEA of how to have an orgasm by themselves, so they can't help their husband give them an orgasm.

Sex should be MUTUALLY satisfying.

OP seems to be seeking justification for cheating. There IS NEVER a justification. If you can't talk to your spouse about sex (not making them feel guilty or ashamed) then you have a communication problem. Just get a divorce and save your children the future trust issues.

OP is no innocent with regards to his wife's refusal to have sex or lack of desire.

I know if I'm upset with my DH, I'm not in the mood. But if I'm sick or have bad cramps, I'm not in the mood then either. If I'm having a crappy day and he wants to have sex, I do tell him, I'm not in the mood and boy, he knows how to get me in the mood! I rarely say no, but when I do, he knows there is a valid reason (like cramps). Occasionally
he has told me no, and I don't take offense. I know when he says no, he must have a darn good reason. But we can communicate, something OP and his wife don't seem to be able to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just don't understand low drive people. Period. I've been horny just walking around since I was about 14, and I'm 49 now. Female. What in life is better, really?

+1

Me too! I don't understand these "low drive" people. I think some of them have bad lovers and some of them don't know how to pleasure themselves. There might be a few with physical issues, but I really think it's more of a mental issue than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here, I know this sounds like rationalization, but there is a part of me that thinks a discreet affair is kinder to my DW than pushing forward with a divorce. She is a SAHM, she says she is happy in the marriage. Isn't it better to find a way to pull this off and still be a good husband and father? Would she really want her world blown apart, have to be one of the few divorced women in the mom's club, etc. just so I can be "honest" with her? Seems like one way to look at this is a discreet affair is easier to her than it would be to me to the the "right" thing and divorce her.

Why don't you allow her the opportunity to make that decision herself?

+1

Because OP is a jerk who is only out for his own pleasure. Which is probably why his wife won't have sex with him.
I bet anything he is a selfish lover who has never given his wife an orgasm. I really wish we could get OP's wife's perspective.

[Anonymous]

22:22 great response! I am a DW and this worked miracles for us!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I think women often marry men who are "marriage material" and overlook the fact that there is no sexual chemistry. It's really a deception and leads to this kind of situation.

And in those cases, they should divorce. Cheating is NEVER a good option. Ever.

-DW who married her DH because the chemistry was great. He thought sex was great but I didn't. He had to work on giving me pleasure and now it's GREAT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:explain the situation to her and see what she says and get back to us

I am the one who said tell her so she can assess her three options and I think you should also let her know that you have a potentially willing partner for a discreet, sex only relationship if that's what she chooses. Not as a threat, but so she knows that you're not just idly waving that around to get a rise out of her. It is a SERIOUS possibility. Don't name names, don't be ugly about it, just let her know that that is a distinct opportunity and you will take it if she decides she's okay with an open marriage. Chances are, she won't be, because most American women in monogamous relationships are not, so that means the other two are your more likely paths (more sex with her or divorce). But I would absolutely let her know that the open marriage thing is fully on the table at this point with a willing partner so she knows you aren't just bluffing. That would piss me off but it would also give me a kick in the ass that my marriage was heading down a very serious path and I needed to take some kind of action for myself.

[Anonymous]

I have been a passenger on this train and I do not reccomend telling your DW that you have a potential person in mind. Why would you want her to wonder about who this "prize" is all the time?
As a spouse I would obviously think the emotions affair is already in play. DONT do that!!!

[Anonymous]

PP here- my husband did this to me in a similar way- complained about lack of sex- I wanted pleasure-he just wanted pleasure for himself but was too selfish to realize there were 2 of us involved!
We had conversations about it but he did the co worker emotional affair route.
Sex is improved for me, and husband is now having it more BUT I dont trust him and never will.
i am getting my finances together.. And will be an independent DW as soon as possible. He does what he wants and now so will I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a passenger on this train and I do not reccomend telling your DW that you have a potential person in mind. Why would you want her to wonder about who this "prize" is all the time?
As a spouse I would obviously think the emotions affair is already in play. DONT do that!!!

I'm not saying it's great but some women would go "yeah, okay, have an open marriage if that's what you want", believing their DH is either too lazy to find an affair partner or won't be able to find one. If I knew there was a serious person in contention, I would perk up a lot more. She needs to know those stakes are real and he's not bluffing her.

[Anonymous]

Bluffing? You shared vows with this person! Why would you devote time and energy to someone outside your marriage? Think back, did you ever think it would come to this?
It not fair to DW or OW to do this. The time and effort spent on someone else should be devoted to trying to solve this.
What you describe is a threat. If you want to do it that way threaten divorce.
If DH came to me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not want to be a part of it. I have the right to a healthy STD free life.

[Anonymous]

If DH came to me and said he was seriously thinking of divorce due to lack of sex, that would certainly be enough to get my attention!
But it seems like DH just wants the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bluffing? You shared vows with this person! Why would you devote time and energy to someone outside your marriage? Think back, did you ever think it would come to this?
It not fair to DW or OW to do this. The time and effort spent on someone else should be devoted to trying to solve this.
What you describe is a threat. If you want to do it that way threaten divorce.
If DH came to me and said he wanted an open marriage, I would not want to be a part of it. I have the right to a healthy STD free life.

His wife does have the right not to be part of it. Her choices are get off her laurels and foster this part of their relationship, or divorce. You can't force someone to live in celibacy. So you either live up to your end of things or let them find a partner who will give them what they need. But the kind thing to do is let her know this is the state of the marriage and give her the ability to choose how she proceeds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

OP here. I am sure it is wishful thinking but a part of me wonders whether my DW would understand if I had a purely sexual affair. She knows I am unhappy with sexual aspects - we have discussed it ad nauseum and frankly I am sick of making her feel bad about it. Our marriage otherwise works, so it seems so pointless to toss aside an otherwise healthy marriage just for lack of sex. She tells me all the time how much she loves me and how much she wishes she could be in the mood more but then we go a month without sex and the resentment overflows.

As a caveat, I can compartmentalize sex and emotions. But then again, seeing the other responses, I can see how bad it can go if discovered. Thanks for feedback.

Unless you are hiring a prostitute, it will not be "just sex" with the woman you are having an affair with.

You need counseling so you can understand the differences between how men and women generally approach sex.

That is likely 50% or more of the problems with sex in your marriage.