When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP. I've had the frequency conversation with my wife. She answered once a week. I'm happy enough with that number if it actually happened.

Tell her this! By the way this is great news because clearly you have a willing partner so that's not the problem. Many of these sexless marriage threads don't even have that AT ALL.
Also a 1X per week goal should be very easy to hit.
Your problem now comes down to the mechanics of initiation. This is solvable.
Discuss the specifics of initiation with her.
Since you're obviously the one with higher drive, YOU will be doing most of the initiation.
Her job is to be receptive, but if she REALLY is not up for it, she should suggest a specific better time in the near future.
When that time comes, you initiate.

Anonymous wrote:I've asked her what I can do to make her enjoy sex more. She says she doesn't know.

You definitely SHOULD care about her sexual enjoyment. But ultimately, if she doesn't care herself, then not too much YOU can do about that. Don't worry though because "her enjoyment" isn't the obstacle at all. Her agreement for 1X per week frequency was not based on her reaching a specific enjoyment outcome, was it? Furthermore, once you guys get into a steady groove of weekly sex, her enjoyment will probably just increase naturally as a consequence of regularity and being comfortable together.

Anonymous wrote:She won't do morning sex, and she won't do sex until after the kids are in bed. She doesn't like being woken up for anything. That leaves me an initiation window of about 9-10:30. That window is only open while she is awake (she falls asleep on the couch a lot) and if she doesn't preemptively announce that she's tired, bloated, or otherwise not feeling good.

Have you actually discussed, specifically, in detail, the topic initiation windows with your wife? Or are you just making alot of assumptions here?

Anonymous wrote:That window will also close if I inadvertently do something to make her unhappy in the preceding 12 hours.

Sounds like another assumption on your part. What did she say exactly the last time you initiated sex on an "imperfect behavior" day?

Bring this exact topic up in your big conversation about the mechanics of initiation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our drives were pretty well balanced until the second kid came along - once or twice a week; neither of us had terrifically high drives. But, after the birth of the second - that's when the wheels came off (or, I suppose during the second pregnancy, but pregnancy is such a tough time in my mind it "didn't count."

Um you do realize this exact thing has happened to every single dad in DC?

Anonymous wrote:Kids are 9 & 10 now. I didn't really speak up about my dissatisfaction until 2 or 3 years ago. I was waiting out the infant & toddler years, hoping things would get better when the kids went to school and my wife had more kid-free time. My patience ended during a period when we went 2 months without sex.

Ok so you have played a role in accepting the status quo sexless marriage for so many years.
Not blaming you, just pointing out you played a role.

Anonymous wrote:Since then, we've had a few discussions. The discussions always end up with her crying because she feels like a bad wife and she wants to want to have sex but just doesn't. That's followed by a period where the relationship is awkward because of the hurt feelings from the sex talk but also where we have more sex because we're making it more of a priority.

This is baloney. She is low drive so she will very rarely want to have sex. So what?
You are normal drive, and that is sufficient to ensure a regular sex life, so long as YOU INITIATE.
All she needs to do is be receptive.

Anonymous wrote:The only time during the past few years where the sex was notably good was when she read the 50 Shades series. During that period, she responded favorably to my initiations, and, consequently, I initiated more aggressively and more frequently. After that, I suggested she read more erotica. She agreed that it helped but for some reason hasn't made the effort to read any more erotic novels and the like.

Alright I will say it again: your wife is a willing sex partner. YOU JUST NEED TO INITIATE.
Yes this can be difficult. TALK ABOUT IT WITH HER. Discuss all the mechanics of initiating sex.

Don't be offended, I am trying to help.
If you really have this much difficulty initiating sex with your wife (a willing partner) then I don't believe you have enough game to actually conduct an affair.

[Anonymous]

I disagree that the mechanics of initiation are a major factor. For a willing partner, most initiations are usually going to work. For an unwilling partner, there will usually be some defect to the initiation to nitpick.

But, maybe I'm wrong. For those who think the mechanics of initiation are significant, here is a scenario: It's 9:15, the high drive partner puts the last kid to bed, comes downstairs where the low drive partner has just sat down and turned on the TV. What's a quality initiation look like from there?

[Anonymous]

You said she doesn't know what she likes. That means she has never had an orgasm with you. No wonder she won't have sex with you. She gets NO Pleasure from it. You both need to do some reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree that the mechanics of initiation are a major factor. For a willing partner, most initiations are usually going to work. For an unwilling partner, there will usually be some defect to the initiation to nitpick.

But, maybe I'm wrong. For those who think the mechanics of initiation are significant, here is a scenario: It's 9:15, the high drive partner puts the last kid to bed, comes downstairs where the low drive partner has just sat down and turned on the TV. What's a quality initiation look like from there?

Here is my take (I'm the poster making the MechanicsOfInitiation argument) on your scenario.
Much of this actually goes back to the upfront discussion that I believe the HD/LD should have already worked out most of the specific details.

A quality initiation would therefore meet these criteria:

- the 9:15 PM time, and even the particular day-of-week, should meet the pre-agreed initiation window(s)
- the initiation fits within the agreed weekly sex frequency (meaning, for a 1X per week couple, if it's only be 2 days, then this initiation is a bit sooner than expected, and is therefore less likely to succeed than if it's day 6 or 7).
- the general initiation technique (verbal and physical actions) meets the pre-agreed approach that's most likely to interest the LD (for example, maybe the LD wants the HD to just strip naked and yell "Do Me" ... or maybe LD prefers HD approach with a deep passionate kiss and whispers in the ear ..... or maybe they agree on a sexual "code word" like APPLESAUCE .... whatever works best for the LD)
- even if HD executes the initiation protocol perfectly, LD of course still has the right to decline, but it's not a rejection, rather LD picks a specific time in the near future when HD should expect an initiation attempt to succeed

Make sense?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

It all boils down to lack of attraction OP. A woman who is attracted to you will fuck you often like her life depended on it even if she has 10 kids under 10 and 2 full time jobs. She will find the time for it. But attraction fades, sad reality of a monogamous marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said she doesn't know what she likes. That means she has never had an orgasm with you. No wonder she won't have sex with you. She gets NO Pleasure from it. You both need to do some reading.

Your conclusion doesn't follow from your premise. There is an overlap between "women who have orgasms" and "women who don't know what they like."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

I agree. Also, as a woman, I have to say that even if you are not in the mood you can at least be a willing and fun participant with your partner if he needs sex more. No, not every night, but if you want it once a month and he wants it four times a week, find a compromise and BE PRESENT when you are together, playful etc. I can't imagine leaving my partner high and dry like that in an otherwise happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

woman here - was miserable in my marriage - had a 3 year affair - that ended disastrously - was still miserable in my marriage - confessed - now divorcing - the affair totally fucked me and my husband up - they suck.....

marriage is really, reallly hard. sometimes it just doesn't work out

definitely try counseling

my advice would be to skip the affair, divorce sucks it's really really hard but you get through it and get on with your life



chances are if you have the affair you will end up divorced anyway.

id skip the affair if I were there and work on the problem.

good luck it's not easy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot imagine what you are dealing with BUT I will tell you this.

Get some goddamn balls and talk to your wife. 1) go to counseling if you want to stay married or 2) divorce. If your wide has no clue how serious you are about an affair or divorce TELLING HER might help your cause.

Why cant you people talk to one another. If it doesnt change then leave. I cannot stand these affair threads. You all are spineless.

OP here. Talking it out again is good in theory, but does it actually work? I mean, are there honestly people who have low libidos that had no idea their spouse was deeply unhappy with 1-2x per month sex despite multpile conversations in the past about it? Do you really want your spouse telling you "I will divorce you if you won't have more sex"? I can't imagine her low drive is going to naturally respond to the pressure of sex vs. divorce.

I am not trying to be flippant, she knows I am deeply unhappy about it, but probably doesn't realize I am seriously considering divorce. But if you know of someone who actually talked their way into a better sexual relationship, I am all ears.

NP here. Yes. I am a wife with a low sex drive. I really didn't get how important it was to DH. After a long conversation with him, I am working on it -- seriously smut novels and other stuff helps. I am also talking to my doctor.

I think there is always misunderstanding on both sides. I thought sex was like dessert - nice, but no big deal to miss. He feels like he is missing out on a whole meal. Craves it. We're both learning to find somewhere in between.

Have you been living under a rock? I'm a woman who's wanted sex about five times a week since her teens. You never had a high sex drive? You never, even once, dated a guy who graphically explained to you what it's like having a high drive? Your poor husband.