When did you decide it was time for an affair and did it help your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Typical story. Married 10 years. Kids between 4-7 years old. Have tried everything to get wife in mood. She is happy 1-2 month. For the record, we haven't tried counselling, my wife doesn't see the need for it, she is happy with status quo, and truthfully I have no desire to make her have sex with me just to prevent a divorce.

I have found another women in a similar bind as me. I think we have total discretion. What I am trying to determine is if it is better to just divorce or to go for the affair and do my best to be at home being a good father and husband (perhaps better husband since I won't be sexually frustrated).

Understand some people are against affairs no matter what, but for those who have had them, was there a happy outcome that makes it worth it? Or should I just bite the bullet and get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

OP here, I understand this sentiment. I probably would have written the same thing before marriage. It just seems brutally unfair that my kids have to go without mom and dad in the home because mom and dad can't sync sexually. Is the choice really between being sexually miserable vs. blowing up the family home?

[Anonymous]

The other alternative is to do the right thing and be honest with her. Tell her you are unhappy with being sexually out of sync, can't take it any more, and want to go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship with another similarly married discreet partner.

Those are really the only two options for someone with integrity - open the marriage, or if she's not up for that, divorce. Cheating. lying, deceit, and putting time and energy to nurture your extramarital sex life, rather than your marriage, is never really going to "help" the marriage. Chances are it will come out eventually and destroy your kids' home anyway. Ask my STBX. That's how it played out in our home.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to be frank with your wife, OP. If you have reached the point where you are seriously considering an affair, you have reached a really low point.

If your news really hits DW and she wants to try and work with you, would you be willing to compromise? Try to find a frequency that is maybe in between? Do you still *want* to have sex with your wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

+1

You are also going to affect your children. My cousins found out their father cheated on their mother. He is dead so they can't resolve issues with him. They have MAJOR trust issues.

Do not be selfish and ruin your children's life. Divorce is a much better option than cheating.

If you are a good DH, you will put the romance back in your life. Talk to your wife.

Of course being with someone new is exciting. That will wear off in time and you will be alone.

Cheating is divorce territory for me. If we have problems in our marriage, I would expect my DH to be an adult and talk to me about it, not just sleep around like an immature teenager.

You also need to think about putting your wife at risk for STDs. And what happens if you get the OW pregnant. Cheaters think they are slick, but others know and WILL gossip about it.

[Anonymous]

I really don't understand why you wouldn't try counseling before an affair or a divorce. Especially when there are kids involved.

Have you and your wife tried "scheduling" sex? I find it hard to be spontaneous when the kids are little. Scheduling things lets me clear some chores (ie, ignore them) those nights, shower so I feel fresh, put on a nice nightgown so I get in the mood. Much better than him putting the moves on me after I just spent an hour washing dishes and folding laundry while he farted around on his iPad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

OP here, I understand this sentiment. I probably would have written the same thing before marriage. It just seems brutally unfair that my kids have to go without mom and dad in the home because mom and dad can't sync sexually. Is the choice really between being sexually miserable vs. blowing up the family home?

You need to fix the problem. Cheating does not fix the problem. It will hurt your wife and children. They will find out. Others will not keep your secret.

What is the problem? Low sex drive or maybe you do not satisfy her?
I enjoy sex with DH and we do it about one a week. It can be more or less depending on if our kids interfere with our plans. You need to talk to her and figure out what the problem is.

Women need to be in the mood for sex. Men can't understand this because they are ready to have sex if they are sad or angry. A man only needs to be awake. A woman needs to be relaxed and in the mood. You both have to work on getting her in the mood. And you need to give her orgasms otherwise she will not want to have sex with you.

[Anonymous]

If you read some of the other threads you will find that cheating RARELY helps a marriage. It usually just destroys it. So fix your marriage or get a divorce. Those are the only two options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical story. Married 10 years. Kids between 4-7 years old. Have tried everything to get wife in mood. She is happy 1-2 month. For the record, we haven't tried counselling, my wife doesn't see the need for it, she is happy with status quo, and truthfully I have no desire to make her have sex with me just to prevent a divorce.

I have found another women in a similar bind as me. I think we have total discretion. What I am trying to determine is if it is better to just divorce or to go for the affair and do my best to be at home being a good father and husband (perhaps better husband since I won't be sexually frustrated).

Understand some people are against affairs no matter what, but for those who have had them, was there a happy outcome that makes it worth it? Or should I just bite the bullet and get divorced.

HAHA, I bet your wife would post on the other thread about "would you marry again if it were not for kids" that her marriage is great and she would marry you again, even without kids...thinking everything is awesome. Some people are A-OK and think it is normal to have a plutonic relationship with their spouse.

Good luck. You might get busted and it would be miserable for you. just don't hook up with a bunny boiler.

[Anonymous]

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

I say divorce her and do your best to get the kids and leave her with as little as possible. After such don't marry again only use women as objects as they view men for the money aspect as made obvious by this post. *much sarcasm in this for you feminists out there*

Oh hi, right wing mysoginist meathhead! Welcome.

[Anonymous]

Wife here. My DH could have written the OP. I love him. I would not want a life without him. But I don't like sex. I don't like fishing either. He goes fishing without me.

If DH had an affair and it was truly just sex, I'd be okay with it. I would just never want to know about it. Of course, in my heart I would know but I would hope he would follow a don't ask, don't tell policy. It would probably help our marriage in that he would get his desires met and I wouldn't feel pressure to do something I'm not interested in. The issue is that relationships are rarely just sex and I would have an issue if it became more than just sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

liamw wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do your wife a favor... get a divorce and then you can date, have sex with and do what ever you like. If you cheated on me, regardless of the reason, you'd find your stuff packed on the porch and served with divorce papers. No counseling, no looking back. Once you leave the marriage, our marriage is over. No forgiveness here. If you have an affair, you are not being a "good" husband or father. You are the scum of the earth. Just be prepared for the outcome being huge attorney bills, lots of child support, seeing your kids every other weekend and your marriage over with a very bitter ex-wife.

I say divorce her and do your best to get the kids and leave her with as little as possible. After such don't marry again only use women as objects as they view men for the money aspect as made obvious by this post. *much sarcasm in this for you feminists out there*

Oh hi, right wing mysoginist meathhead! Welcome.

I think you missed his (not very well made) point.

[Anonymous]

If you have an affair I hope your wife divorves you, takes you to the cleaners, and your children grow to resent you.

Be a man and get a divorce if you are that unhappy.

[Anonymous]

It's easy to start an affair that is just about sex. But, if you like the person and the sex, it gets messy. I thought I could do 'just sex,' but I couldn't. Be careful.