Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.

Let's not go beating on the asian stereotype again. We're not in the 1950's! My husband is asian and neither he nor his parents would not dream of being overbearing in this manner to me.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'll share my experiences, but a good rule is the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And that applies to everyone in the situation.

When you are the expectant grandmother, I am certain you would love to meet your beautiful new grandchild as soon as possible--there is nothing like holding a new baby!--and I am also certain you would love to help, and not get in the way, especially if it is your daughter-in-law, rather than your daughter. Starting from there, you can try to create the balance that is gracious, yet protective of your new little family.

I had a unique situation with my first, in that my mom was in the hospital several states away, delivering her 9th, the same day! So it was my ILs who jumped in the car when I went into labor. I had a terrible relationship with them at the time, but they melted when they saw their first grandchild--even though they are Asian and she was a girl They stayed until I came home from the hospital, and since my MIL is a pediatrician, she had to get back to her practice, and so they left immediately.

Those first couple of weeks were very, very difficult. I wanted my mother so badly! But she was recovering from her first csection, and so we were totally alone. Breastfeeding and my physical recovery were mysterious and so painful. I could have used her wisdom and compassion and support so much.

Having my ILs there would have killed me, though! No privacy, crying all the time, feeling dumb, prickly dynamics...hellish!

As time went by, I had an interesting curve of involvement, which might be helpful for you to know. My mother always came as soon as she could--in fact, she was present for two births. She took care of my other children, all the cooking and cleaning, all the shopping, and pampered me in every way. This let my husband have lots of quiet time with me, and our other children felt loved and cherished even as they gave me time to heal and sleep. It was heavenly, and helped my recoveries beyond words.

My ILs went from coming soon, to coming later, to deliberately traveling to the other side of the world on an elaborate vacation exactly around my due date and missing the first several weeks. When they did come, they did nothing to help, and expected to be waited on hand and foot. They would even make short order cook requests, from me, while I was nursing! My mom would then appear with whatever it was they wanted, and then disappear again.

Through it all, my husband always listened to my needs and fulfilled them. He protected me from his parents' various cultural insanities, took advantage of my mother's assistance gratefully, and facilitated healing. His parents would get belligerent sometimes, but he was always calm, polite, and respectful while staying firm. We accepted there was no changing his parents, but we could be gracious while protecting our family.

For your situation, you need your mother! And you need your husband to protect your little nest. It sounds like you don't feel sheltered and cared for, and that is where your distress comes from, more than the specifics--and it sounds like he is trying to take control of a situation that is not within his control, which is a very normal reaction to an upcoming childbirth. Try to approach him with love, and understanding, instead of hurt, and give him a new mission:

"Sweetheart, I love you, and I am so excited and anxious about our new baby. I need you to take care of me--I need to know you will protect us and keep us cozy during those first weeks. I need my mother to take care of me, too. And I can't wait to see your parents with their new grandchild--I know how much it means to them. I just can't know how I'll be feeling, how hard my recovery will be. I know I can face anything with you by my side, and that's why I need to hear that you respect my needs that much--that you will care for me and our baby before anything else. It's so important to me. Just as having your parents close by is so important to you. So I can have your parents close by, as long as I know you will respect my needs first and foremost. Please try to understand."

The specifics will follow, if you can come to a sense of mutual respect and understanding of one another's needs. Focus on that first, instead of who stays where and for how long. "Compromise" is not even necessary, really, when both spouses are trying to please the other, rather than trying to dig into their own inclinations.

Here's hoping for a peaceful birth, a gentle recovery, lots of love from your husband and your mother and your in-laws, and a baby who sleeps and nurses well!

[Anonymous]

Another suggestion that might work..,

Why don't you have just the women stay at your house...MIL & mom. Have FIL and dad stay at your parents home and come for visits when you're feeling up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.

Let's not go beating on the asian stereotype again. We're not in the 1950's! My husband is asian and neither he nor his parents would not dream of being overbearing in this manner to me.

Your husband may be Asian, but both DH and I are Asian and I can assure you that this is part of cultural thinking. Your DH may be the exception and there are exceptions. But this is perfectly normal in many Asian cultures, Indian, Pakistani, Chinese, Korean, Arab, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'll share my experiences, but a good rule is the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And that applies to everyone in the situation.

When you are the expectant grandmother, I am certain you would love to meet your beautiful new grandchild as soon as possible--there is nothing like holding a new baby!--and I am also certain you would love to help, and not get in the way, especially if it is your daughter-in-law, rather than your daughter. Starting from there, you can try to create the balance that is gracious, yet protective of your new little family.

I had a unique situation with my first, in that my mom was in the hospital several states away, delivering her 9th, the same day! So it was my ILs who jumped in the car when I went into labor. I had a terrible relationship with them at the time, but they melted when they saw their first grandchild--even though they are Asian and she was a girl They stayed until I came home from the hospital, and since my MIL is a pediatrician, she had to get back to her practice, and so they left immediately.

Those first couple of weeks were very, very difficult. I wanted my mother so badly! But she was recovering from her first csection, and so we were totally alone. Breastfeeding and my physical recovery were mysterious and so painful. I could have used her wisdom and compassion and support so much.

Having my ILs there would have killed me, though! No privacy, crying all the time, feeling dumb, prickly dynamics...hellish!

As time went by, I had an interesting curve of involvement, which might be helpful for you to know. My mother always came as soon as she could--in fact, she was present for two births. She took care of my other children, all the cooking and cleaning, all the shopping, and pampered me in every way. This let my husband have lots of quiet time with me, and our other children felt loved and cherished even as they gave me time to heal and sleep. It was heavenly, and helped my recoveries beyond words.

My ILs went from coming soon, to coming later, to deliberately traveling to the other side of the world on an elaborate vacation exactly around my due date and missing the first several weeks. When they did come, they did nothing to help, and expected to be waited on hand and foot. They would even make short order cook requests, from me, while I was nursing! My mom would then appear with whatever it was they wanted, and then disappear again.

Through it all, my husband always listened to my needs and fulfilled them. He protected me from his parents' various cultural insanities, took advantage of my mother's assistance gratefully, and facilitated healing. His parents would get belligerent sometimes, but he was always calm, polite, and respectful while staying firm. We accepted there was no changing his parents, but we could be gracious while protecting our family.

For your situation, you need your mother! And you need your husband to protect your little nest. It sounds like you don't feel sheltered and cared for, and that is where your distress comes from, more than the specifics--and it sounds like he is trying to take control of a situation that is not within his control, which is a very normal reaction to an upcoming childbirth. Try to approach him with love, and understanding, instead of hurt, and give him a new mission:

"Sweetheart, I love you, and I am so excited and anxious about our new baby. I need you to take care of me--I need to know you will protect us and keep us cozy during those first weeks. I need my mother to take care of me, too. And I can't wait to see your parents with their new grandchild--I know how much it means to them. I just can't know how I'll be feeling, how hard my recovery will be. I know I can face anything with you by my side, and that's why I need to hear that you respect my needs that much--that you will care for me and our baby before anything else. It's so important to me. Just as having your parents close by is so important to you. So I can have your parents close by, as long as I know you will respect my needs first and foremost. Please try to understand."

The specifics will follow, if you can come to a sense of mutual respect and understanding of one another's needs. Focus on that first, instead of who stays where and for how long. "Compromise" is not even necessary, really, when both spouses are trying to please the other, rather than trying to dig into their own inclinations.

Here's hoping for a peaceful birth, a gentle recovery, lots of love from your husband and your mother and your in-laws, and a baby who sleeps and nurses well!

I don't think it applies to EVERY situation. Let's say OP had a worse situation (giving an extreme example to highlight how this golden rule is not always applicable), lets say she had cancer and did not want to see anyone but her mother. Suppose the MIL wanted dearly to care for her too though, but it just would not make OP feel comfortable. What should OP do? Sometimes one doesn't always get whatever they want from others because there may be unusual circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically

I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. [b]I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, [u]so I understand childbirth and recovery very well.[/b] I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.

Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.

This is the biggest problem with DCUM, our mean posters. Can't you express yourself without the insults? Was it really necessary to call her a psycho and narcissist? OP is the one in the vulnerable position since she is the one who would have just given birth, needs to breastfeed, needs to deal with the difficulty of taking care of a newborn for the first time. This is NOT the time to be figuring out how she can compromise on herself. There will be plenty of times in her life when she and her hubby can compromise for one another but this is her time to surround herself with people who SHE feels will be beneficial to her. Her in-laws can come a week after the birth. Sorry it's one of the privileges OP has in decision making because she is the bearer and deliverer of that child.

If you read the quotes properly you would see that the part the PP responded to was not posted by the OP. This was written by a PP who apparently had the most difficult of labors and the most precious of sons who she says, she would never want to date a woman like the OP. It was insulting to the OP and insulting to the rest of the posters who have also been through difficult labors.

Yes, I know PP was responding to someone other than the OP. So just because this PP said she had one of the most heinous and painful births why does that offend you so much that you had to lash out at her? I'm on OP's side and I don't agree with that PP's position either. But why flip out? She didn't say she had THE most difficult labors as you wrote. She said she had ONE OF the most heinous and painful births. It's just an expression. It doesn't mean her birth was literally in the top 2% of all difficult births in the U.S. It means she endured a lot of difficulty during labor. And maybe she actually did. And where did she say her sons were "so precious"? Sounds like you just didn't like her opinion so now you're hitting below the belt.

Thanks for defending me. I'm not sure why my having a different opinion makes me a psycho and a narcissist, or a crappy MIL in training as she called me earlier, but whatever. And it's truly rude invoke my kids--I never called my sons "precious," nor did I ever indicate I'd want them to ignore their future wives' wishes. Quite the contrary--I try very hard to involve my MIL--I'm certainly not perfect, but I definitely try. My point in mentioning how hard my labor was not to compare with anyone or congratulate myself, only to say, Hey, I know how shitty recovery from birth is, and I totally understand why the OP would want her mother there and no one else. I get it. I have lots of friends, so I know difficult labor does not make me special or unique. You're right poster--that kind of hysterical name calling is such a turn off here. I posted very early on to the OP, trying to offer constructive advice and a different perspective, which is what she asked for. I'm not sure why presenting a different opinion caused such an overreaction on that poster, but it did. I probably should not have characterized her as being like a "harpy," but this was not what she was reacting to. I always wonder about people who read so much into even the most straightforward responses and decide they know everything about someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:During DH's weekly phone call w/ his parents last night, they apparently told him that they are planning on coming up when the baby is born (I'm 34 weeks). As in, they expect a call when I go into labor. They are also planning on staying at our (small) house. My mother was going to stay with us for a few days after we come home from the hospital (my parents are local), a fact which DH knew and previously supported. Now he's saying that my mom can just stay at her own house and visit during the day, as his parents will be here. Problem: I don't want his parents here. I want my mom. I'm going to be going through a lot, both emotionally and physically, and I'm already freaked about BFing. I don't want to be struggling with the latch at 2 am and have my MIL come in to see if she can help-I want my own mom. I don't want to be sitting in front of my FIL and start leaking, or be crying for no reason. Although I get along fine with his parents, I don't want them to be around at what is probably going to be a very difficult time for me (I'm a control-freak, so I know it will be rocky the first few days). I can't believe they (and DH) would think that a) it is ok to displace my own mother, and b) that I would feel more comfortable with them than my own mother. They say they don't want to miss anything, including visiting in the hospital, the first bath, etc. DH sides with them, saying my parents will be here for it, when shouldn't his? Um hello, because they made the choice to move out of the area two years ago?

I am beside myself. I've been crying a bunch, arguing with DH, etc. He won't even hear of them coming up later on after we get settled, or staying in a hotel. I feel like I don't know him or his family at all right now. Am I being really dramatic, or do I have a point? Please help me get some much-needed perspective!!

We told our parents we wanted no visitors for the first two weeks.

That worked really well. Gave us a chance to feel ourselves out as a family and adjust.

You don't need your mom. You need your husband.

[Anonymous]

We had the same issue with my in-laws, but DH and my SIL agreed with me. My SIL called them and told them that when she has a baby, she would want them there first. They were still upset at us, but at least DH took my side. Now that I am pregnant with #3, and SIL does not have any children & is not married, I feel bad for them. I have two boys, and the third might also be a boy. What will I do when my daughter-in-law has a baby? How will I feel when I am in their shoes? I am thinking of asking them to stay with us after #3 is born. They are out-of-town, and my parents live here. BTW- The problem with my first pregnancy was that they drove 8 hours to see us when I was in the hospital, and we had to ask them to leave when I came home so that my mom could help out. It was a difficult situation, and I am not sure what the right answer was.

[Anonymous]

This whole situation brings to mind one of my mom's favorite expressions: "Fair is not always equal."

[Anonymous]

I think the weird thing is having your mother sleep there when she is local and displacing out of towners to a hotel. That is a hard one to rationalize. Just be "fair" and NO ONE stays over.


Tell DH your mom will not sleep there, no one will
sleep there, and consider what you're actually gaining having your mom in be in the house overnight versus having no one there overnight. Or even most of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

I'd be curious to hear the opinions of his co-worker's wives . . .

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry if I offend anyone with this, but your wishes trump here. You've prob encountered morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, lack of sleep, emotional woes, leg cramps, edema and who knows what else. Thats all in addition to the many dr appts and invasive tests. You have earned the right to call the shots on this one. Maybe you can talk to your MIL and explain that while you want them to be included, you will also need some private time to recover and get to know your new baby. As a woman, she may get it.

If that fails, try talking to your husband again and hope you get thru to him. If it were me and my husband was being so insensitive, I would just pack up and go stay with my mom for a few weeks. I'm a labor and delivery nurse, so I know well how difficult the postpartum period can be and you should not be troubled with having to play hostess just to appease your husband or in-laws.

And just so you know, who is there when you deliver is up to you and no one else. As nurses, we often see laboring moms who are afraid to restrict the extended family from being present at the birth because they dont want to hurt anyones feelings. We have a delicate way of redirecting unwanted visitors without them ever knowing that it was mom's request.

Congrats and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here...thanks for the outpouring of support, as well as the some of the reality checks. I know I'm being a tad precious about this, but it really came out of nowhere, and I feel hurt that DH is being so inflexible, and seemingly not listening to or caring what my feelings are. I appreciate the poster who that he may just be hearing I want my parents around and not his. I do think that is what he is hearing, because one of the things he keeps harping on is how it's not fair my parents will be around for the birth, coming home, etc, while his won't be. That was why I brought up that they live out of state. If my parents lived 5 hours away, THEY wouldn't be around for any of it, my mom would just come down once we came home from the hospital, and everyone else in a few weeks or so. But because they live nearby and are able to visit the hospital, DH thinks it only fair his parents should be able to do that too.

Now, I actually have no problem with that...although it is not my first choice to have his parents in my face and visiting while I'm doing all of the gross, stressful, emotional things pps listed, I could deal...BUT NOT when they're also in my personal space in our house. DH won't hear of putting them in a hotel if my mom is here staying with us...he says, again, it's "not fair" my mom would get to be here all the time, but his parents are relegated to visitors only during the day. I'm really not sure what is going on with him...it's just out of character, and perhaps pps are right and he just doesn't get what my body will be going through. However, he may not get it, but it would stand to reason that he would at least try to COMPROMISE with the mother of his child. Arg.


BTW, this is the first grandchild on either side, and DH says two of his co-workers have had their moms (ie, the mother's MIL) come for their births, so no help there

I will take the excellent advice of tabling this for a few weeks and coming back to it when we've both cooled off. Perhaps he will re-visit the hotel thing...

Curious but is your husband Asian OP? In the Asian cultures the husband seems to dictate that his parents get more respect than his wife's parents and maybe culture is influencing your DH's decision.

Let's not go beating on the asian stereotype again. We're not in the 1950's! My husband is asian and neither he nor his parents would not dream of being overbearing in this manner to me.

Your husband may be Asian, but both DH and I are Asian and I can assure you that this is part of cultural thinking. Your DH may be the exception and there are exceptions. But this is perfectly normal in many Asian cultures, Indian, Pakistani, Chinese, Korean, Arab, etc...

I'm Indian. Your comments are not universal. I come from an area where new mothers are attended to by their mothers, not MILs. In fact, my (European) in-laws came during the birth of my children. My very old conservative Indian aunt (who is like a grandmother to me) tore my parents a new one when she realized. She couldn't believe it -- she said something like pregnant women need their own mother at this time.

Anyway, OP, I feel for you. Others have said it a lot better. I would be wary of anyone who wants to come and not miss a moment of the newborn's life. The rule of thumb for visitors in the immediate postpartum period should be that they are expected to prepare meals, do laundry, clean house, run errands, make sure new mom is eating or drinking. If the visitors sees their roles as anything else, they should visit at another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but grow the f up.

Got to be a man (or woman) who doesn't have the first clue as to what growing, and birthing a human can do to you mentally and physically

I have a son and one on the way, and I really hope neither one marries such a harpy as this poster and many of the others that have suggested the OP has carte blanche after birth. [b]I had one of the most heinous and painful births imaginable with my son, [u]so I understand childbirth and recovery very well.[/b] I could not walk right for two weeks. But I am also a believer on putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and if this is her in-laws first grandchild, and her husband sincerely wants his parents there, how can you not find a compromise? If you love your husband and his family, find a way to accommodate their feelings as well as your own.

Yes of course PP. You had one of the worst most painful deliveries. And your sons are the best who deserve to marry perfect princesses who never bat an eyelash at their husband's demands.

You sound like a total psycho. Don't give OP anymore advice. You are a complete narcissist (me me me, my labor was the hardest) and you are raising your kids to be the same as you.

This is the biggest problem with DCUM, our mean posters. Can't you express yourself without the insults? Was it really necessary to call her a psycho and narcissist? OP is the one in the vulnerable position since she is the one who would have just given birth, needs to breastfeed, needs to deal with the difficulty of taking care of a newborn for the first time. This is NOT the time to be figuring out how she can compromise on herself. There will be plenty of times in her life when she and her hubby can compromise for one another but this is her time to surround herself with people who SHE feels will be beneficial to her. Her in-laws can come a week after the birth. Sorry it's one of the privileges OP has in decision making because she is the bearer and deliverer of that child.

If you read the quotes properly you would see that the part the PP responded to was not posted by the OP. This was written by a PP who apparently had the most difficult of labors and the most precious of sons who she says, she would never want to date a woman like the OP. It was insulting to the OP and insulting to the rest of the posters who have also been through difficult labors.

Yes, I know PP was responding to someone other than the OP. So just because this PP said she had one of the most heinous and painful births why does that offend you so much that you had to lash out at her? I'm on OP's side and I don't agree with that PP's position either. But why flip out? She didn't say she had THE most difficult labors as you wrote. She said she had ONE OF the most heinous and painful births. It's just an expression. It doesn't mean her birth was literally in the top 2% of all difficult births in the U.S. It means she endured a lot of difficulty during labor. And maybe she actually did. And where did she say her sons were "so precious"? Sounds like you just didn't like her opinion so now you're hitting below the belt.

Thanks for defending me. I'm not sure why my having a different opinion makes me a psycho and a narcissist, or a crappy MIL in training as she called me earlier, but whatever. And it's truly rude invoke my kids--I never called my sons "precious," nor did I ever indicate I'd want them to ignore their future wives' wishes. Quite the contrary--I try very hard to involve my MIL--I'm certainly not perfect, but I definitely try. My point in mentioning how hard my labor was not to compare with anyone or congratulate myself, only to say, Hey, I know how shitty recovery from birth is, and I totally understand why the OP would want her mother there and no one else. I get it. I have lots of friends, so I know difficult labor does not make me special or unique. You're right poster--that kind of hysterical name calling is such a turn off here. I posted very early on to the OP, trying to offer constructive advice and a different perspective, which is what she asked for. I'm not sure why presenting a different opinion caused such an overreaction on that poster, but it did. I probably should not have characterized her as being like a "harpy," but this was not what she was reacting to. I always wonder about people who read so much into even the most straightforward responses and decide they know everything about someone.

A different poster -- if you intended to be thoughtful, kind, of rational, you shouldn't have started your posts with "grow the f up" and "harpy." Don't complain when people name call in return.

[Anonymous]

I feel really, really sorry for your in-laws, but not for the reason people might think. I think your husband is being terribly unfair to them. He is keeping information from them that they would want to know (speaking of the golden rule) which is that you understand their wants and desires but you're struggling and would prefer a compromise. The grown-up thing for your husband to do would be to engage them in honest discussion about this and ask if he can work with them to get them in the nearest hotel for the time when your new family is home.

By the way, the key word here is "grown-up": IMO, your DH is acting like a seventh-grader at best and a first-grader at worst in trying to apply playground rules (who gets the most time with the toys) to a situation in which there are all kinds of layers that he can't understand and that he's not even trying to grasp. I don't mean to suggest that a child is a toy -- I really don't -- but truly, if you re-read how OP (whom I feel so sorry for) describes his reaction, it's honestly turning the new baby into an object in a tug of war.

Here's a thought, OP -- can you tell him that he really is objectifying the child to the point of forgetting that there are lots of emotions and impacts here (including on his parents, whose feelings he's trying to "own" rather than allowing them access to information that they need to have -- YOUR feelings, which really do matter). This is not about who gets the most time in the sandbox; this is about how you start to build a life that has a beautiful new dimension to it.

Good luck.