Reply to Please advise...SO upset with DH :(

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Please advise...SO upset with DH :("

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'll share my experiences, but a good rule is the Golden Rule:  do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  And that applies to everyone in the situation.

When[i] you[/i] are the expectant grandmother, I am certain you would love to meet your beautiful new grandchild as soon as possible--there is nothing like holding a new baby!--and I am also certain you would love to help, and not get in the way, especially if it is your daughter-in-law, rather than your daughter.  Starting from there, you can try to create the balance that is gracious, yet protective of your new little family.

I had a unique situation with my first, in that my mom was in the hospital several states away, delivering her 9th, the same day!  So it was my ILs who jumped in the car when I went into labor.  I had a terrible relationship with them at the time, but they melted when they saw their first grandchild--even though they are Asian and she was a girl ;)  They stayed until I came home from the hospital, and since my MIL is a pediatrician, she had to get back to her practice, and so they left immediately.

Those first couple of weeks were very, very difficult.  I wanted my mother so badly!  But she was recovering from her first csection, and so we were totally alone.  Breastfeeding and my physical recovery were mysterious and so painful.  I could have used her wisdom and compassion and support so much.

Having my ILs there would have killed me, though!  No privacy, crying all the time, feeling dumb, prickly dynamics...hellish!

As time went by, I had an interesting curve of involvement, which might be helpful for you to know.  My mother always came as soon as she could--in fact, she was present for two births.  She took care of my other children, all the cooking and cleaning, all the shopping, and pampered me in every way.  This let my husband have lots of quiet time with me, and our other children felt loved and cherished even as they gave me time to heal and sleep.  It was heavenly, and helped my recoveries beyond words.

My ILs went from coming soon, to coming later, to deliberately traveling to the other side of the world on an elaborate vacation exactly around my due date and missing the first  several weeks.  When they did come, they did nothing to help, and expected to be waited on hand and foot.  They would even make short order cook requests, from me, while I was nursing!  My mom would then appear with whatever it was they wanted, and then disappear again.

Through it all, my husband always listened to my needs and fulfilled them.  He protected me from his parents' various cultural insanities, took advantage of my mother's assistance gratefully, and facilitated healing.  His parents would get belligerent sometimes, but he was always calm, polite, and respectful while staying firm.  We accepted there was no changing his parents, but we could be gracious while protecting our family.

For your situation, you need your mother!  And you need your husband to protect your little nest.  It sounds like you don't feel sheltered and cared for, and that is where your distress comes from, more than the specifics--and it sounds like he is trying to take control of a situation that is not within his control, which is a very normal reaction to an upcoming childbirth.  Try to approach him with love, and understanding, instead of hurt, and give him a new mission:

"Sweetheart, I love you, and I am so excited and anxious about our new baby.  I need you to take care of me--I need to know you will protect us and keep us cozy during those first weeks.  I need my mother to take care of me, too.  And I can't wait to see your parents with their new grandchild--I know how much it means to them.  I just can't know how I'll be feeling, how hard my recovery will be.  I know I can face anything with you by my side, and that's why I need to hear that you respect my needs that much--that you will care for me and our baby before anything else.  It's so important to me.  Just as having your parents close by is so important to you.  So I can have your parents close by, as long as I know you will respect my needs first and foremost.  Please try to understand."

The specifics will follow, if you can come to a sense of mutual respect and understanding of one another's needs.  Focus on that first, instead of who stays where and for how long.  "Compromise" is not even necessary, really, when both spouses are trying to please the other, rather than trying to dig into their own inclinations.

Here's hoping for a peaceful birth, a gentle recovery, lots of love from your husband and your mother and your in-laws, and a baby who sleeps and nurses well!    [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics