Has anyone here successfully fixed a dead bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Real men know that gentle parenting = WAP

Yes! I remember before I got married my friends and I agreed that it was really hot to see a man be kind and gentle and funny with his kids.
Of course, it was kind of a Catch-22 because if he wanted to cheat on his wife with us, it would take away the very thing that made him hot.

Now that I’m married to that guy, and the kids he is good with are my kids, it’s so sexy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we brought back our dead bedroom. It was a combination of factors — some me, some her. I would say it took about 3 full years. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground. He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted. He was honest and candid. I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed. This time it was different. The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation. We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once. And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be. After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections. I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue. I now see a major difference. She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn. Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy. It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison. It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude. Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores. We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference. You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference. The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways. This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages. All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage. A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel. We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change. Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there. There are usually things that need to change for both of you. My wife and I made real, concrete changes. Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out. But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

This all sounds very real. Thanks for posting!

My husband stopped watching porn a few months ago, and we both noticed a huge difference. I don’t know about you, but it was like he was resentful that I was walking around in my middle aged body doing normal stuff. I thought I was imagining it, but he’s a lot nicer to me and flirtier with me now that I’m his only sexual partner.

I’m kind of interested in learning more about male sexual desire. What did your wife learn that was helpful to her?

[Anonymous]

I have an idea! I have an idea!

Tell them to pay you half your annual value, or sleep with you.

Works like a charm I bet.

[Anonymous]

I just listened to a podcast about OnlyFans called OnlyFantasy. They talked about how the site offers this kind of intimate experience where the models text and flirt with male clients, sometimes doing FaceTime calls or making explicit personal videos in exchange for money. Some of models talk to the male clients themselves, but the more popular models have teams of “chatters” who text with clients for them.

The podcast was extremely sympathetic to the men who use this. But I wonder how much this contributes to dead bedrooms in marriages. Like if you have a bad day at work, and your options are
a) to come home and talk to your real live wife who also has her own stuff going on and might not be sympathetic right then, or
B) to talk to an Indian man pretending to be a hot 23 year old model who has all of the time in the world for you as long as you give her a few dollars

I can see how you might choose B. And if you keep doing that over and over again, I can see how that starts to become your main romantic relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Real men know that gentle parenting = WAP

Yes. I am the previous poster who said I can’t have sex with my husband if he’s yelled at our kids too much. I don’t mean getting a little loud when they didn’t listen the first 2 times, I mean really yelling. It had gotten better in the past after I insisted on parenting classes but it’s getting beyond what I am comfortable with again. I don’t think he understands how much it disgusts me though of course I have tried to explain.

The last time I felt real lust was actually watching an admittedly good looking guy treat his toddler with the most unbelievable patience and kindness. I am sure he’s not perfect either whoever he was but yes, very very attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Eventually I accepted that he's asexual and that was that. There are far worse problems and everything else about him is great.

Same here. DH hasn’t pursued it for 2 years and I’m over it now. It’s probably a relief now that I am in menopause

[Anonymous]

Yes, role playing sounded like a stupid idea at first but going all in on it restored our bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

Ooooh, threats like that would definitely get me interested in sexy time with you!!! Nothing quite like someone getting "mad as hell" and giving ultimatums about physical intimacy to fix a relationship...

Don't know what to tell you. We had done all the other things and we weren't getting unstuck. Things are back to normal now, and I wine, dine, compliment, and otherwise show warmth and affection like normal, and so does she. When you get stuck and try all the normal things then you're left with a desperate, potentially explosive option. Thankfully it worked.

You did nothing wrong. Women on this site (and im one) are clueless about this issue. I'm glad you have your marriage back.

Yeah women are totally clueless about the female sex drive.

No, but they are often clueless about the male sex drive, which is what I was ACTUALLY saying.

Im interested in hearing more about the male sex drive. Men seem to think that women know exactly how they are feeling despite the fact that they (men) are notoriously bad at talking about their inner lives.

So, what’s it like? What do you feel like women don’t know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

I know it can be hard to find healthcare providers willing to go down this route, but you might consider supplemental testosterone either alone or as part of an HRT mix. I had a doctor who was researching the ways that low testosterone levels affect women’s general health, and he recommended trying compounded testosterone for my other health problems.

Holy cow! I didn’t actually notice any change to my general health, but it made a dramatic difference to my drive. Combined with vaginal estrogen to address perimenopausal tissue changes, I’m back to feeling decades younger in both the mental and physical aspects of desire.

(Note: no one should feel like you HAVE to have the desire of a younger woman when you’re in the midst of menopausal changes. I’m sure Nature makes these changes for a reason, and it takes effort to swim against that current. I’m not a youth-at-all-costs type, eg I personally don’t plan any interventions to my face or body as I age. But if this is an area that bothers you and affects your relationship, the hormones are an option that might really help.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

Ooooh, threats like that would definitely get me interested in sexy time with you!!! Nothing quite like someone getting "mad as hell" and giving ultimatums about physical intimacy to fix a relationship...

Don't know what to tell you. We had done all the other things and we weren't getting unstuck. Things are back to normal now, and I wine, dine, compliment, and otherwise show warmth and affection like normal, and so does she. When you get stuck and try all the normal things then you're left with a desperate, potentially explosive option. Thankfully it worked.

You did nothing wrong. Women on this site (and im one) are clueless about this issue. I'm glad you have your marriage back.

Oh BS men leave all the time for women half their age , his wife may have responded to this crap great for him . However sex is never the only problem it’s everything else .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

Ooooh, threats like that would definitely get me interested in sexy time with you!!! Nothing quite like someone getting "mad as hell" and giving ultimatums about physical intimacy to fix a relationship...

Don't know what to tell you. We had done all the other things and we weren't getting unstuck. Things are back to normal now, and I wine, dine, compliment, and otherwise show warmth and affection like normal, and so does she. When you get stuck and try all the normal things then you're left with a desperate, potentially explosive option. Thankfully it worked.

You did nothing wrong. Women on this site (and im one) are clueless about this issue. I'm glad you have your marriage back.

Oh BS men leave all the time for women half their age , his wife may have responded to this crap great for him . However sex is never the only problem it’s everything else .

Just a modern trope. It is often the key problem.