Has anyone here successfully fixed a dead bedroom?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what’s wrong with someone, man or woman, prioritizing and seeking physical intimacy with their partner.
After all, in most romantic relationships, isn’t sex what separates it from platonic connections?

[Anonymous]

Yes we brought back our dead bedroom. It was a combination of factors — some me, some her. I would say it took about 3 full years. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground. He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted. He was honest and candid. I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed. This time it was different. The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation. We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once. And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be. After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections. I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue. I now see a major difference. She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn. Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy. It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison. It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude. Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores. We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference. You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference. The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways. This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages. All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage. A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel. We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change. Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there. There are usually things that need to change for both of you. My wife and I made real, concrete changes. Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out. But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

[Anonymous]

Rip the bandaid off!!

[Anonymous]

Research. Normalize. Vibrators!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQCCh2-9sps

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcAPemNvHJQ

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we brought back our dead bedroom. It was a combination of factors — some me, some her. I would say it took about 3 full years. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground. He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted. He was honest and candid. I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed. This time it was different. The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation. We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once. And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be. After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections. I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue. I now see a major difference. She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn. Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy. It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison. It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude. Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores. We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference. You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference. The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways. This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages. All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage. A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel. We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change. Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there. There are usually things that need to change for both of you. My wife and I made real, concrete changes. Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out. But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

This sounds great! Is this coach local? Can you share the name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

I hope they come for you in the comments 🤣🤣🤣😂😅😅

Yes indeed, they are wet and coming.

Your wife is probably burnt as a ring of fire from being so dry. I would’ve just paid rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

Ok, but "sex every other week, sometimes more often" is not a dead bedroom. Certainly not for people in their 50s.

Assuming both partners are in reasonably good health, 2-3x per week on average plus daily non coital affection is more normal. Spouses who love each other want to have as.much sex with each other as health and circumstances allow. Theu dont view sex as a loathsome obligation.

That's a radical feminist cognitive distortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Laying on my back looking out at the water in the Caribbean, gorgeous rental house behind me, I turned to my wife and said “have you ever thought about what I get out of this relationship?” it was day four of our vacation and I was hoping it would be the antidote to a very spotty sex life.

She gave a long defensive list of things that she does that I can and often easily do myself. I just nodded and said I understand.

I didn’t have to say it, I didn’t want to extort a sex life but sometimes people get so involved in their roles and stories they’ve told themselves that they lose sight of the entire equation.
You can’t say stuff like this if you’re not delivering. When I say delivering I mean hygiene, body composition, income, emotional support, practical support, a minimum 50% in involvement with children etc. If you’re behind in any of these categories you cannot say shit like I said.

Sure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sent him a link to some right wing men’s podcast where they were talking about not j**king off to improve your marriage. It was like a switch went off. Suddenly he was way more interested and giving me what I needed.

He wanted to distract you from listening to manosphere content. The switch that went off was that he finally noticed you had wayyy too much free time on your hands. Probably thought you'd be buying him a buffalo shaman hat and taking him to besiege the Capitol next.

[Anonymous]

Sure you can.. Physical and emotional intimacy is the foundation and prerequisite for a healthy relationship. Your mistake is taking her on a vacation as an implicit quid pro quo for sex, and the other stuff you say which feeds into the mistaken notion that sex is a transactional reward from the woman to the man in exchange for household services. You just reinforce this mistaken dysfunctional pattern.

[Anonymous]

Dead bedrooms can be fixed but obviously the reason why matters. Unless both sides sit down and have that raw conversation, then it can’t be fixed. Is it a medical issue? Is it attractiveness? Is it the lack of foreplay? Is it burn out? Once you both truly figure out the problem, the problem most likely can be fixed but it takes both sides to want to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

Doesn’t that make it worse though? I feel like when I force myself to out of obligation/expectation I feel so horrible I feel even less in the mood than ever. The “fake it til you make it” thing just doesn’t work for me. If I was the PP’s wife I think I would have suggested a hall pass or just having sex on demand and feeling awful until I could live with losing my kids 50 percent of the time.

If denying your partner sex is the way you exercise autonomy on your relationship, that's a "you" problem. If there are specific issues, then address those issues, but don't artificially link them to whether you have sex or not. That's unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

What was her reaction when you laid it out as such?

. DP. Likely she was very turned on by the kept woman or wh#re fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

Doesn’t that make it worse though? I feel like when I force myself to out of obligation/expectation I feel so horrible I feel even less in the mood than ever. The “fake it til you make it” thing just doesn’t work for me. If I was the PP’s wife I think I would have suggested a hall pass or just having sex on demand and feeling awful until I could live with losing my kids 50 percent of the time.

The only thing that helps at all is
1) taking care of myself so I feel attractive (easier said than done- I used to be really pretty and I am aware I will never look that good again)
2) getting enough sleep
3) reading romance novels that are not terribly explicit but enough to remind me what fun sex can at least in theory be.

And then my husband had to make it through the day without yelling too badly at our kids. When he is a jerk to the kids I am so disgusted by him I absolutely can’t have sex.

. Why did you raise your kids to be such undisciplined brats? Are you a progressive? There's another thread on here with a mom whinging about her useless almost 18 year old daughter. Is that what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

Ooooh, threats like that would definitely get me interested in sexy time with you!!! Nothing quite like someone getting "mad as hell" and giving ultimatums about physical intimacy to fix a relationship...

Don't know what to tell you. We had done all the other things and we weren't getting unstuck. Things are back to normal now, and I wine, dine, compliment, and otherwise show warmth and affection like normal, and so does she. When you get stuck and try all the normal things then you're left with a desperate, potentially explosive option. Thankfully it worked.

You did nothing wrong. Women on this site (and im one) are clueless about this issue. I'm glad you have your marriage back.

Yeah women are totally clueless about the female sex drive.

No, but they are often clueless about the male sex drive, which is what I was ACTUALLY saying.

Bro, we all know that you just care about getting off and don’t care about having to coerce a woman into it. that’s not all men, but some men.

Well I’m a woman and not the man you’re trying to argue with. Why women like you get married is still a mystery to me. Just be alone and celibate. Marriage is not for everyone.

Do you have a lot of bad sex you don’t want to have because your husband threatened to leave you if you didn’t? That sounds a lot worse to me than being divorced and celibate.

I'm the PP who you are caricaturing. I did not threaten to leave. I told her that if this was to be a sexless relationship, then she would just be responsible for her half of the bills. And if she didn't want to do that, then she would indeed have to find elsewhere to live. Is that not fair? I appreciate her decorating flair and conversation and all that, but not so much that I'll fund her entire life for it.

My spouse and I have fairly regular sex at least 2x a week plus lots of other affection and we split everything equally.

That's because we love each other and like each other.

Is everything always smooth and perfect? No. We disagree on a lot of things and have quarrels.

The make up sex is great.