Has anyone here successfully fixed a dead bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

What the hell are you talking about? She would get 50% of assets if it went through to divorce. Shared custody. Kids stay with me at least half the time. She figures out her end. Kids stay with me full time if she couldn't get organized. But nobody's kicking kids out of anywhere. There is no "kicking them out". It's "kicking her out". Pretty simple.

Ideally, kids would remain in the house full time. She's gonna have to work now, so it's not like she can just do SAHM vibes on her own anymore, even with 50% of assets and short-term tapering spousal maintenance. We are low net worth, but I am increasingly high income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

What the hell are you talking about? She would get 50% of assets if it went through to divorce. Shared custody. Kids stay with me at least half the time. She figures out her end. Kids stay with me full time if she couldn't get organized. But nobody's kicking kids out of anywhere. There is no "kicking them out". It's "kicking her out". Pretty simple.

Ideally, kids would remain in the house full time. She's gonna have to work now, so it's not like she can just do SAHM vibes on her own anymore, even with 50% of assets and short-term tapering spousal maintenance. We are low net worth, but I am increasingly high income.

Okay. So you threatened her with 50% of your assets, spousal support, and child support? And that scared her so much that she decided, logically, that it was worth it to have sex with you? Does that make sense to you?

It sounds to me like you took a woman who already had kind of low self-esteem, told her that she was worthless, that you do not care about anything she does, and made her feel so low that she no longer cares about her own body or feels like she has the right to dignity or bodily autonomy. Congrats?

See you in a few years when you are wondering why your wife lets the kids swear at her and walk all over her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

What the hell are you talking about? She would get 50% of assets if it went through to divorce. Shared custody. Kids stay with me at least half the time. She figures out her end. Kids stay with me full time if she couldn't get organized. But nobody's kicking kids out of anywhere. There is no "kicking them out". It's "kicking her out". Pretty simple.

Ideally, kids would remain in the house full time. She's gonna have to work now, so it's not like she can just do SAHM vibes on her own anymore, even with 50% of assets and short-term tapering spousal maintenance. We are low net worth, but I am increasingly high income.

Okay. So you threatened her with 50% of your assets, spousal support, and child support? And that scared her so much that she decided, logically, that it was worth it to have sex with you? Does that make sense to you?

It sounds to me like you took a woman who already had kind of low self-esteem, told her that she was worthless, that you do not care about anything she does, and made her feel so low that she no longer cares about her own body or feels like she has the right to dignity or bodily autonomy. Congrats?

See you in a few years when you are wondering why your wife lets the kids swear at her and walk all over her.

Oh good grief. It's like a victimhood olympics on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

What the hell are you talking about? She would get 50% of assets if it went through to divorce. Shared custody. Kids stay with me at least half the time. She figures out her end. Kids stay with me full time if she couldn't get organized. But nobody's kicking kids out of anywhere. There is no "kicking them out". It's "kicking her out". Pretty simple.

Ideally, kids would remain in the house full time. She's gonna have to work now, so it's not like she can just do SAHM vibes on her own anymore, even with 50% of assets and short-term tapering spousal maintenance. We are low net worth, but I am increasingly high income.

Okay. So you threatened her with 50% of your assets, spousal support, and child support? And that scared her so much that she decided, logically, that it was worth it to have sex with you? Does that make sense to you?

It sounds to me like you took a woman who already had kind of low self-esteem, told her that she was worthless, that you do not care about anything she does, and made her feel so low that she no longer cares about her own body or feels like she has the right to dignity or bodily autonomy. Congrats?

See you in a few years when you are wondering why your wife lets the kids swear at her and walk all over her.

Oh good grief. It's like a victimhood olympics on here.

Obviously you were the only victim here. The victim of a sexless marriage. Of course, you couldn’t just tell your wife that you love her and you want to have sex more often like a normal person. You had to tell her that she has no value to you or anyone else and break her down.

I’m just telling you that you set this up. So, when you see the kids walk all over your wife, remember that this was what you wanted. Instead of building her up, you made her a spineless jellyfish. Don’t blame her for it.

[Anonymous]

Move on you two. You are ruining the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes we brought back our dead bedroom. It was a combination of factors — some me, some her. I would say it took about 3 full years. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground. He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted. He was honest and candid. I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed. This time it was different. The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation. We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once. And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be. After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections. I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue. I now see a major difference. She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn. Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy. It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison. It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude. Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores. We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference. You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference. The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways. This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages. All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage. A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel. We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change. Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there. There are usually things that need to change for both of you. My wife and I made real, concrete changes. Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out. But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

Hi! Can you tell us more about what the coach said to your wife? I’m kind of interested!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on you two. You are ruining the thread.

Haha! 😂. Okay dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

What the hell are you talking about? She would get 50% of assets if it went through to divorce. Shared custody. Kids stay with me at least half the time. She figures out her end. Kids stay with me full time if she couldn't get organized. But nobody's kicking kids out of anywhere. There is no "kicking them out". It's "kicking her out". Pretty simple.

Ideally, kids would remain in the house full time. She's gonna have to work now, so it's not like she can just do SAHM vibes on her own anymore, even with 50% of assets and short-term tapering spousal maintenance. We are low net worth, but I am increasingly high income.

You don’t get to kick her out doofus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

So is coercion and threats like a kink for you?

All depends whose ox is being gored. The previous state of affairs was that I was being implicitly coerced and threatened into a sexless life. All I did was grab the gun and point it in the opposite direction. YMMV.

Wait, you threatened to kick your wife out, remarry, have another family, and leave her and her children with nothing, right?

And she threatened you with a “sexless life?”

Who said anything about leaving my children with nothing? Except for reason of serious disability, if a spouse kills the bedroom they have killed the marriage. Out they go. They can reap what they sow.

Thankfully, it didn't come to that.

So you were going to set her up with a house and cash to take care of the kids?

Or you were going to kick them out with nothing?

What the hell are you talking about? She would get 50% of assets if it went through to divorce. Shared custody. Kids stay with me at least half the time. She figures out her end. Kids stay with me full time if she couldn't get organized. But nobody's kicking kids out of anywhere. There is no "kicking them out". It's "kicking her out". Pretty simple.

Ideally, kids would remain in the house full time. She's gonna have to work now, so it's not like she can just do SAHM vibes on her own anymore, even with 50% of assets and short-term tapering spousal maintenance. We are low net worth, but I am increasingly high income.

Okay. So you threatened her with 50% of your assets, spousal support, and child support? And that scared her so much that she decided, logically, that it was worth it to have sex with you? Does that make sense to you?

It sounds to me like you took a woman who already had kind of low self-esteem, told her that she was worthless, that you do not care about anything she does, and made her feel so low that she no longer cares about her own body or feels like she has the right to dignity or bodily autonomy. Congrats?

See you in a few years when you are wondering why your wife lets the kids swear at her and walk all over her.

How dare a person state an intention to impose legal consequences should a requested condition not be met.

Why, no one does that! It's impossible!

He should have specified dueling sabres at dawn, not recognized legal and equitable remedies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

I did the same with my xH. He had a great life (I paid most of the bills), zero interest in sex with me although he enjoyed sexting other women.

Issued him an ultimatum, started dating other men after he tried to call my bluff, then he moved out.

So, ultimatums don’t always work, but my life (sex life and life in general) is so much better now without him. Zero regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we brought back our dead bedroom. It was a combination of factors — some me, some her. I would say it took about 3 full years. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground. He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted. He was honest and candid. I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed. This time it was different. The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation. We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once. And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be. After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections. I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue. I now see a major difference. She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn. Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy. It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison. It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude. Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores. We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference. You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference. The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways. This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages. All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage. A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel. We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change. Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there. There are usually things that need to change for both of you. My wife and I made real, concrete changes. Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out. But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

Hi! Can you tell us more about what the coach said to your wife? I’m kind of interested!

I was the person who posted this — just to clarify, what he said about male sexual desire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes we brought back our dead bedroom. It was a combination of factors — some me, some her. I would say it took about 3 full years. It didn’t happen overnight. It was a lot of consistent things.

First, we worked with a coach who seriously heard both sides of the story and really worked hard to find common ground. He wasn’t afraid of calling either of us out if it was warranted. He was honest and candid. I say this because in prior relationships I had seen therapists and other helpers and was always very unimpressed. This time it was different. The right person really can help.

I thought I was communicating about my sexual needs / wants in a healthy way, but it was really just putting more pressure on the situation. We eventually came to a point where I communicated about it less — after making it very clear where I stood, once. And when I stopped bringing it up all the time, she felt less pressure and more natural desire.

Our coach talked with my wife about male sexual desire — it surprised me because she certainly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but my wife was seriously clueless about just how strong the male sex drive can be. After she understood this better, she was more open to compromises that “helped me out” even if it didn’t involve full intercourse.

Wife started using a lubricant that was more natural feeling.

I went on cialis which made a HUGE difference in the strength of my erections. I was previously very resistant to this because I could still get hard and thought it was her issue. I now see a major difference. She notices too and compliments me on it!

I stopped watching porn. Yes, I will say that this was contributing to the dead bedroom — an unhealthy attachment to a fake form of intimacy. It is actually amazing how much more I desire my wife and look at her differently once I got rid of this poison. It’s like eating junk food every day as opposed to fresh fruits and vegetables.

I started doing a lot of other stuff for my wife with a different attitude. Before I used to resent her and that came across even when I did household chores. We reset and I have let go of resentment and do things out of love and service now, and she can tell the difference. You can take out the garbage with an angry heart or a loving heart and yes your partner picks up on the difference. The more
I have served and loved her the more she has desired me.

We have tried some new positions, spicing things up in the typical ways. This has helped.

She has increased verbal compliments during some of the dryer spells — she tells me I am handsome, hot, etc., sends flirty text messages. All of these things helped.

We separated having an orgasm which has become more difficult with menopause, etc. from having a pleasureable sexual experience.

I lost 15 pounds.

Bottom line - there are ups and downs in marriage. A lot of people are too quick to throw in the towel. We live in this culture that is dominated by “personal growth” and all that jazz yet many people are very reluctant to *really* change. Both people need to take an honest inventory of how you got there. There are usually things that need to change for both of you. My wife and I made real, concrete changes. Again, this didn’t happen overnight, and there were definitely bumps in the road — I am eternally grateful that our coach helped smooth those things out. But we were committed to each other even in the valley, we worked on it, and are in a much better place overall now.

It is possible.

Hi! Can you tell us more about what the coach said to your wife? I’m kind of interested!

I was the person who posted this — just to clarify, what he said about male sexual desire?

Yes. Exactly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on you two. You are ruining the thread.

OMG! This

[Anonymous]

DH here: yes, I did. I dropped 20 pounds and started lifting. All it took. If your relationship is otherwise healthy and you’ve let yourself go to some extent, start there. Doesn’t always work, but does more than you might think based on some anecdotal discussions I have had with people.