Has anyone here successfully fixed a dead bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

Ooooh, threats like that would definitely get me interested in sexy time with you!!! Nothing quite like someone getting "mad as hell" and giving ultimatums about physical intimacy to fix a relationship...

Don't know what to tell you. We had done all the other things and we weren't getting unstuck. Things are back to normal now, and I wine, dine, compliment, and otherwise show warmth and affection like normal, and so does she. When you get stuck and try all the normal things then you're left with a desperate, potentially explosive option. Thankfully it worked.

You did nothing wrong. Women on this site (and im one) are clueless about this issue. I'm glad you have your marriage back.

Yeah women are totally clueless about the female sex drive.

No, but they are often clueless about the male sex drive, which is what I was ACTUALLY saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

Ok, but "sex every other week, sometimes more often" is not a dead bedroom. Certainly not for people in their 50s.

[Anonymous]

Laying on my back looking out at the water in the Caribbean, gorgeous rental house behind me, I turned to my wife and said “have you ever thought about what I get out of this relationship?” it was day four of our vacation and I was hoping it would be the antidote to a very spotty sex life.

She gave a long defensive list of things that she does that I can and often easily do myself. I just nodded and said I understand.

I didn’t have to say it, I didn’t want to extort a sex life but sometimes people get so involved in their roles and stories they’ve told themselves that they lose sight of the entire equation.
You can’t say stuff like this if you’re not delivering. When I say delivering I mean hygiene, body composition, income, emotional support, practical support, a minimum 50% in involvement with children etc. If you’re behind in any of these categories you cannot say shit like I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Laying on my back looking out at the water in the Caribbean, gorgeous rental house behind me, I turned to my wife and said “have you ever thought about what I get out of this relationship?” it was day four of our vacation and I was hoping it would be the antidote to a very spotty sex life.

She gave a long defensive list of things that she does that I can and often easily do myself. I just nodded and said I understand.

I didn’t have to say it, I didn’t want to extort a sex life but sometimes people get so involved in their roles and stories they’ve told themselves that they lose sight of the entire equation.

You can’t say stuff like this if you’re not delivering. When I say delivering I mean hygiene, body composition, income, emotional support, practical support, a minimum 50% in involvement with children etc. If you’re behind in any of these categories you cannot say shit like I said.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

Bottom line, yes. We were already well partnered on the co-parenting stuff.

Frankly, I can afford to hire out all of the other things (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and still remain in polite society. What I cannot do is hire out the sex component. And I preferred not to anyway.

Women are delusional if they think their quirky personalities are worth a lifetime of financial support. Barring serious illness, if you aren't putting out then you are no longer a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

Doesn’t that make it worse though? I feel like when I force myself to out of obligation/expectation I feel so horrible I feel even less in the mood than ever. The “fake it til you make it” thing just doesn’t work for me. If I was the PP’s wife I think I would have suggested a hall pass or just having sex on demand and feeling awful until I could live with losing my kids 50 percent of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

Bottom line, yes. We were already well partnered on the co-parenting stuff.

Frankly, I can afford to hire out all of the other things (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and still remain in polite society. What I cannot do is hire out the sex component. And I preferred not to anyway.

Women are delusional if they think their quirky personalities are worth a lifetime of financial support. Barring serious illness, if you aren't putting out then you are no longer a wife.

Sounds like she doesn’t work so likely should have called your bluff and done 50/50 plus child support and alimony.
You prob would have outsourced all kid development or care stuff and remarried quickly since sex is your priority. So really it would have been your mainly first batch of kids taking it on the chin.
Of course you still have time to do just that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

What was her reaction when you laid it out as such?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

Bottom line, yes. We were already well partnered on the co-parenting stuff.

Frankly, I can afford to hire out all of the other things (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and still remain in polite society. What I cannot do is hire out the sex component. And I preferred not to anyway.

Women are delusional if they think their quirky personalities are worth a lifetime of financial support. Barring serious illness, if you aren't putting out then you are no longer a wife.

Sounds like she doesn’t work so likely should have called your bluff and done 50/50 plus child support and alimony.
You prob would have outsourced all kid development or care stuff and remarried quickly since sex is your priority. So really it would have been your mainly first batch of kids taking it on the chin.
Of course you still have time to do just that!

DP sounds like they worked it out and that bothers you so much for some reason. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the cause of the dead bedroom.
My husband is smart, funny, sexy, and I love him.
But I’m 52 with ZERO sex drive. There is no turning me on. There is no orgasm. I’ve been like this for a few years. I have thought about HRT and am on the fence about starting it as there are many risks.
We have sex every other week, sometimes more often. Only because I feel obligated to, not because I enjoy it because I don’t.
I would love to have the sex drive I had in my 30s.
I don’t know what the solution is. Men can get viagra but women have no options that don’t carry significant risks.

Doesn’t that make it worse though? I feel like when I force myself to out of obligation/expectation I feel so horrible I feel even less in the mood than ever. The “fake it til you make it” thing just doesn’t work for me. If I was the PP’s wife I think I would have suggested a hall pass or just having sex on demand and feeling awful until I could live with losing my kids 50 percent of the time.

The only thing that helps at all is
1) taking care of myself so I feel attractive (easier said than done- I used to be really pretty and I am aware I will never look that good again)
2) getting enough sleep
3) reading romance novels that are not terribly explicit but enough to remind me what fun sex can at least in theory be.

And then my husband had to make it through the day without yelling too badly at our kids. When he is a jerk to the kids I am so disgusted by him I absolutely can’t have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

Bottom line, yes. We were already well partnered on the co-parenting stuff.

Frankly, I can afford to hire out all of the other things (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and still remain in polite society. What I cannot do is hire out the sex component. And I preferred not to anyway.

Women are delusional if they think their quirky personalities are worth a lifetime of financial support. Barring serious illness, if you aren't putting out then you are no longer a wife.

Sounds like she doesn’t work so likely should have called your bluff and done 50/50 plus child support and alimony.
You prob would have outsourced all kid development or care stuff and remarried quickly since sex is your priority. So really it would have been your mainly first batch of kids taking it on the chin.
Of course you still have time to do just that!

No alimony in my jurisdiction. It was no bluff. Also, it worked. She's not bitter and nasty like you. We were just stuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

What was her reaction when you laid it out as such?

Kind of like falling out of a canoe into cold water. At first there were the tears and the hyperventilating, but ultimately she realized that she had been stuck and this had to be fixed ASAP to move forward and not lose the life that she loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

Bottom line, yes. We were already well partnered on the co-parenting stuff.

Frankly, I can afford to hire out all of the other things (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and still remain in polite society. What I cannot do is hire out the sex component. And I preferred not to anyway.

Women are delusional if they think their quirky personalities are worth a lifetime of financial support.

Barring serious illness, if you aren't putting out then you are no longer a wife.

Hilarious.

Can’t keep your stories straight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I told him I was leaving or getting a lover if he didn't get his act together.

DP, but same story. Her life is amazing, SAHM because she wants to be, lots of friends and hobby time, etc. We had a terrible year with no sex and I finally told her that fun time is over and we'll be moving to a 50/50 split on everything, and if she can't manage that then she gets kicked out of the house. Things are going great now, she just had to make contact with reality.

Get mad as hell and give your partner an ultimatum that you WILL carry out. Don't get suckered into forever counseling.

What’s that mean “if she can’t manage that”?

What were you trying to get her to do 50% of?

If she wanted to go the roommate route, then she could do roommate stuff. Pay 50% of the mortgage. Pay her car payment. Pay half the utilities. Pay half the house maintenance. Etc. Didn't turn out that way, thankfully. We had a much happier result, which is that I pay for everything, continue to do lots of chores around the house, and she's down to fkk.

It's simple but not easy.

So she didn’t need to do 50% of cooking, planning, cleaning or child rearing.

She just needed to pay you money/ bills or have sex with you more?

Hmmm

Bottom line, yes. We were already well partnered on the co-parenting stuff.

Frankly, I can afford to hire out all of the other things (cooking, cleaning, childcare) and still remain in polite society. What I cannot do is hire out the sex component. And I preferred not to anyway.

Women are delusional if they think their quirky personalities are worth a lifetime of financial support.

Barring serious illness, if you aren't putting out then you are no longer a wife.

Hilarious.

Can’t keep your stories straight.

DP seems pretty consistent to me.