Mother Expects me to pay for my younger sister's college education

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

[Anonymous]

I think given what you say you have, spedning $2K a semester does not seem like a lot.

It's a struggle, yes, but you benefitted from this system and also seem to struggle with depression/feeling overwhelemed. There's an end date in sight, a finite period of time to contribute - it just seems like you could step up and help this modest amount.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

All of your concerns are completely understandable. You have to figure out your own life, plus are saddled with figuring out your sibling's and getting pressured by the family. Not sure if it's at all doable, but putting it out there... could it be realistic for one of you sisters to sponsor the college sister for a green card? Then she should qualify for in-state tuition, which would make all of this much more doable, if the American education is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

All of your concerns are completely understandable. You have to figure out your own life, plus are saddled with figuring out your sibling's and getting pressured by the family. Not sure if it's at all doable, but putting it out there... could it be realistic for one of you sisters to sponsor the college sister for a green card? Then she should qualify for in-state tuition, which would make all of this much more doable, if the American education is so important.

I just feel overwhelmed. I live pretty paycheck to paycheck and that 2k+ is a lot of money to me. I can save for a down payment, use it to go on a trip or towards egg freezing.

My life fell apart with my divorce and I am trying to re-build. Its overwhelming to also be asked to take on a full grown college aged adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

All of your concerns are completely understandable. You have to figure out your own life, plus are saddled with figuring out your sibling's and getting pressured by the family. Not sure if it's at all doable, but putting it out there... could it be realistic for one of you sisters to sponsor the college sister for a green card? Then she should qualify for in-state tuition, which would make all of this much more doable, if the American education is so important.

I just feel overwhelmed. I live pretty paycheck to paycheck and that 2k+ is a lot of money to me. I can save for a down payment, use it to go on a trip or towards egg freezing.

My life fell apart with my divorce and I am trying to re-build. Its overwhelming to also be asked to take on a full grown college aged adult.

I think all of us here understand that, except for some immigrants who are enmeshed with their families of origin. Unfortunately there is no good advice. Either you agree to get pressured to pay for the full grown college aged adult as you say or you refuse, which I'm sure comes with a lot of strings attached. You have to figure out what you can live with. Good luck to you either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

All of your concerns are completely understandable. You have to figure out your own life, plus are saddled with figuring out your sibling's and getting pressured by the family. Not sure if it's at all doable, but putting it out there... could it be realistic for one of you sisters to sponsor the college sister for a green card? Then she should qualify for in-state tuition, which would make all of this much more doable, if the American education is so important.

I just feel overwhelmed. I live pretty paycheck to paycheck and that 2k+ is a lot of money to me. I can save for a down payment, use it to go on a trip or towards egg freezing.

My life fell apart with my divorce and I am trying to re-build. Its overwhelming to also be asked to take on a full grown college aged adult.

This is new information. Do what you can. If it's $500 a year, offer that. But also offer to help her find a school that will give her merit aid. I think you'll feel better of you do more than zero. $50k per year or cosigning a sibling's loan is unreasonable, in my opinion. But I bet you could help her find a much cheaper school. BYU total cost of attendance for nonmembers is $30k per year, for example (tuition is $14k). And it's actually a highly ranked, good value school. It may not be the right fit, but she's in a pickle and she has to be willing to think outside the box. It's not all on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re probably right not to co-sign the student loan.

Sister needs to put in the leg work at options to support herself and stop being helpless. First she needs look at cheaper schools. She could also apply to be an Resident Assistant on campus which would help with room and board costs and a job would supplement the rest of her living costs. She needs to go to financial aid and see what they can do for her.

OP here. college sister is crying and throwing tantrums saying her life is over and her future is in jeopardy. My rich sister has been doing research to help her. I am so exhausted with my own life I don't have much bandwidth to think of this. I myself need to ensure I am okay.

You are correct OP. You can't set yourself on fire to keep your sister warm. I understand the cultural pressure you are under. That said, your sister really does need to put in more work on her own behalf.

[Anonymous]

Wait. OP mentioned a brother. Where is he in this situation? Since this is a cultural responsibility, he's the man of the family and needs to be pulling a majority of the weight here.

[Anonymous]

What about all those now well-off nephews that your father helped? Your mother or brother should ask them for their help now, in return for your father’s and family’s financial sacrifices when they were the ones who needed help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

All of your concerns are completely understandable. You have to figure out your own life, plus are saddled with figuring out your sibling's and getting pressured by the family. Not sure if it's at all doable, but putting it out there... could it be realistic for one of you sisters to sponsor the college sister for a green card? Then she should qualify for in-state tuition, which would make all of this much more doable, if the American education is so important.

Green card is unrealistic unless the sister is prepared to wait 20 years.

[Anonymous]

What would mother say if OP's contribution to mother's maintenance was diverted to the sister's maintenance? Mother has plenty of support, she could funnel some of that to this directionless daughter and live on less.

Sorry OP, but I don't see much promise in the investment. The sister sounds unmotivated and entitled as most youngest siblings are. This will be a bottomless well and the enabling has already started.

If it were me, I would set some terms on this family "grant". If she fails to meet those terms, it is a loan to both mother and daughter with an interest rate attached. This would give mother some pause to consider the character of this daughter as she would be on the hook for her performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom you'll take care of it.

Then do whatever you want.

The douchiest response ever

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Well my parents are from a third world country but live in the Gulf states right now since my brother has a good job there and has sponsored my mother and college aged sister to live there until she moved here on an F-1 for Nova.

She is bright, has a 4.0 and worked her last year at NOVA on campus as allowed by her visa type. But it was part time and just pocket money mostly.

My siblings and I pay for her flights back and forth and my rich sister pays for her food, clothing and incidental expenses.

I married an American when I was in my twenties and we have since divorced but I obtained citizenship which is why I am still in the US. My other sister here did the same.

My rich sister is asking me to contribute $2,200 per semester to my sister's tuition and she and our brother can contribute the rest and that should cover her tution...we still do not have a plan for her room and board. My rich sister is asking college sister to call the schools and discuss RA options.

Then you have to decide if you're willing to contribute that amount.

Still strange that she didn't do anything worthwhile for 3 years after high school. And she couldn't get to universities in the Gulf states? Yes, paying for undergrad as an international student on an F-1 is going to be costly.

OP here. I have proposed that. We initially brought her here as she was depressed as she graduated HS and my father was sick and had no money to send her to a college. She just sat at home and hid in her room.

After our father died, my other sister in the US and I brought her over to get her out of a sad situation and a change of scenery. My sister also moved into a house so she had a spare room and it all worked out. It was a lot for me to contribute to NOVA but I made the sacrifice as it is v important to have the younger sister stand on her two feet.

The Gulf has great universities, my brother went there, but the fact remains that a U.S education is priceless. With a US college degree my sister would have far more employment options around the world than from a B.A from a Gulf university.

It is also a very expensive endeavor which relies on financial help from us older siblings. While I was married I had more money to help my family but as a single woman in NOVA this whole....family project is not something I have the bandwidth for, emotionally or financially.

Um, hello, where is this brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What can the rest of the family contribute?

They are contributing. In my own family, my father sent his 6 nephews and 1 younger brother to college after the death of his father and brother. It was very hard for us because all that money flowed to his family.

But, all branches of my paternal family did very well and today our entire clan is doing well.

Then it's time to pay it forward. That's an effed up culture if it is falling to you and your sister to provide all of the money while a brother and 6 nephews had the benefit of YOUR father paying their ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your mom you'll take care of it.

Then do whatever you want.

Do you just lie to everyone for convenience?

NP. Tbh, I've learned that sometimes with crazy parents and unrealistic demands that's the only option. Younger me was always honest to the fault, the demands just kept going up and up... Nobody here would pay $10K a semester for a sibling's tuition. Immigrants are usually much poorer, so the ask is completely out of touch with reality. College education is not obligatory. What's next? Buy sibling a yacht perhaps?

You can try to spin it any way you like, but the bottom line is that you're just a dishonest, bad person. If you lie with such ease to your own mother instead of just speaking up, that is on you. And it's not crazy to ask family members to pitch in. You don't have to do it, but it is not crazy.

That's cute, but if you don't have immigrant parents like that stay in your lane. In reality honesty just gets you wrapped up in figuring out everybody else's problems and it's never enough. There's always some poor relative who would like something not easily accessible or costly. You'd spend time and money only for the parents to take credit for it. I somehow ended up made responsible for my nephew's education, even though he has parents and grandparents. It's completely crazy to ask a young immigrant to pitch in $20K a year. This sister is an adult, she can move back to her home country where education is cheap or free. It's not like if you don't pay $20K the sister will die!

I AM an immigrant. I deal with it all the time. And I have enough integrity and self respect to not flat out tell my mother I would take care of something, knowing full well it's a lie. Say no if you don't want to or can't do it. That's fine. But justifying your lies is ridiculous. Grow a pair and be an adult.

Hahaha. I've said no plenty of times, particularly when I was young and naive. No doesn't work with all the people, especially some mothers, who think they own you forever. It's either doing what your mother wants, white lies or no contact. I ended up with no contact. I went through all the stages. There. Any other advice? I can bet that the OP's "no" will be like a water off a duck's back. Because a NORMAL person doesn't ask for a $20K free ride a year in the first place. College education is not compulsory, there are MANY way cheaper places to go and study etc. It's not like the sister is kidnapped and it's a life and death situation.

OP here. My sister can go back and resume her college education but she is refusing and says she wants to complete her degree in the US or her life is over.

Then the little drama queen needs to figure it out.