Was I wrong to skip MIL birthday dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is totally on OP's MIL. It's extremely rude to ask a working family with small kids to just come with less than 24hrs notice. They had a dentist's appointment. I find it laughable that she's upset, and I wouldn't care one little bit about her drama. My MIL is a gracious person who gives us a lot more notice, and I am happy to oblige and celebrate her - she's a intelligent person who knows how to get people to yes.

Wow, you may be even worse than OP. Why does your MIL have to be so “intelligent” to “get you to yes” to”oblige” her for her birthday? Extremely condescending. Can people not just acknowledge your MILs’ birthdays without them having to beg you the right way? It is not that hard to be nice one day a year.

[Anonymous]

I think the only mistake was making it ever seem like it was maybe possible should have given a firm no from the start

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the only mistake was making it ever seem like it was maybe possible should have given a firm no from the start

+1. It wasn't ideal for them to invite you last-minute, but you and DH should have put on a united front from the beginning and said "no." His work conflict came up, but nothing changed with the dentist appointment time. You could have gone, but didn't want to go alone. Which is fine. But you should have just said no from the beginning and offered another date to get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, I would've made the effort to attend. I'm not saying you're wrong, but my take is people make time and put forth extra effort for what's important, and my family is important to me, and my kids' relationship with their grandparents is important to me. Again, I don't think you're wrong.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does your DH do for a profession? Is he a plumber? What "comes up at work" on a Friday at 5pm when where majority of folks are off due to the Holidays?

He didn't want to go out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re totally fine. These were last minute plans. I would have done the same.

The real and only question is where your husband is with all of this? Let him handle his parents. You do not need to manage this.

You did nothing wrong. If this was very important to your MIL it should have been planned and communicated earlier to your husband, who should have taken the initiative to ensure the kids were in attendance. Your ILs sound immature and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

Same. After 25 years I can tell you the month of my MIL’s birthday but not the exact day. There is no way I would be attending a birthday dinner for DH’s side with our kids without him. We aren’t that close. I would not give this a second thought.

At this point my kids my old enough to go on their own and I would likely give them the choice to rush after the dentist or come to the other dinner their dad planned at a later date to celebrate their grandmother with our family. That’s what they would pick. This is your husbands problem. He should have rsvp no for all of you right away.

[Anonymous]

You live in the same area as these people. Did you not see them at holidays? No mention of her upcoming birthday? This family dynamic is whack.

[Anonymous]

I think you're modeling to your children that family isn't important. You don't care about your relationship with your in-laws, but don't complain 30 years from now when your sons and daughters-in-law aren't making any effort for you.

I think the 24 hour notice is BS. It was her birthday, that's a lifetime of notice. If you needed the specifics earlier you should have asked for them. But you knew ever since you've known your husband when the birthday is and still couldn't make the slightest inconvenience to your own life.

To answer your question, yes I think you were wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

I think one can safely assume that OP’s MIL has expressed expectations around her birthday in the past and been ignored.

[Anonymous]

Not pertinent to the question at all, but I am stuck on your claim that schools would be closed on Friday, January 2.

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is totally on OP's MIL. It's extremely rude to ask a working family with small kids to just come with less than 24hrs notice. They had a dentist's appointment. I find it laughable that she's upset, and I wouldn't care one little bit about her drama. My MIL is a gracious person who gives us a lot more notice, and I am happy to oblige and celebrate her - she's a intelligent person who knows how to get people to yes.

Wow, you may be even worse than OP. Why does your MIL have to be so “intelligent” to “get you to yes” to”oblige” her for her birthday? Extremely condescending. Can people not just acknowledge your MILs’ birthdays without them having to beg you the right way? It is not that hard to be nice one day a year.

You are unbearable.

[Anonymous]

OP how did your MIL recognize and celebrate your birthday this year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm amazed at the attitudes that MIL is only the husband's responsibility. MIL birthday should be on the calendar and its just being decent not to schedule anything and expect to go to dinner. How do you want to be treated as an in-law?

I’ve been married for 20 years and I don’t know the date of my MIL’s birthday — although I do know it is the same month as mine. He handles his family’s birthdays just fine. I expect my own child to handle my birthday. But I’m also really direct and tell people what I would like to do (with appropriate notice). And I’m not going to be hurt if my kid declines to bring my grandkids to something with 24 hours notice.

Yes you do know her birthday. Come on. I can’t stand my MIL and I know when her birthday is. What dentist is open at 5 pm on a Friday? I would have gone with both kids and gotten something to go at the end for DH since he was at work.