Friend asked to stay at our house with another friend when we are not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

op - i said to her why dont you come when we are there, but then the friend would not be able to come bc we cannot all fit. And so she then asked about another weekend as an alternative which would be when we are not there and the friend could come. So it's not about the only way she gets a vaca, it's also about her having a vaca with the friend rather than with us.

I will say that we have friends who are very graciously lending us their second home to throw a small milestone celebration for one of our kids. They offered in hypothetical terms awhile back and then we took them up on it more recently; I did feel a bit awkward just because it's very generous of them! But there are some people who are genuinely fine with this. We do go up to their house to see them pretty frequently though, so that aspect is different.

You have extremely generous friends, PP. It is beyond kind that they are doing this for you and your celebration. I imagine that you will be showing your gratitude in some large way to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

I guarantee your house is not very nice. Most of us aren't like you and value our stuff. That doesn't mean we care more about stuff than friends though. The reality is many people wouldn't behave appropriately. People don't NEED to stay at your house.

People don't know how to act and you never know quite how much your good friends or family actually resent your good fortune. I have seen this many times. If you do something kind and extend the use of your home or property some people will treat it poorly because of whatever deep seated craziness they have going on. Also the thought of people going through my closets/drawers etc creeps me out. You are lying to yourself if you think they won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

I see how you’d think this when you’re late twenties maybe but not when you are full adult

When you're young and your couch cost $20 at Goodwill and your jewelry is costume from a discount store you might be less concerned. How do you feel about your friends going through your underwear drawer when you aren't there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Sorry! It’s already been winterized. We’re opening it back up in April and would love to host you then. Let’s catch up soon!”

NO. Stop giving details that could be argued or backfire on you. Why do people think they have to come up with a scenario? Just say “No, that won’t work.”

Not directed at you but I don't get the love on DCUM for "that won't work." What won't work? The dates? The extra person? Or is the friend uninvited forever? To me that invites more questions and arguing.

I think it's so much better and clearer to say that the invitation is for hosting the friend while the OP is there, and they do not allow people to stay there without them because of (reasons). No reasonable person would argue back, but if they do, THEN you can say "sorry, that won't work for us." And then it's all very clear that the invite is still open for the friend to visit them, but they are not invited to use the house as an air B&B.

More rudeness.

No one is required to offer an explanation. Saying less and lying less is the adult option. No one owes anyone else an explanation. People who are rude and cross boundaries and take advantage of people might argue back. That would make it easier to hang up the phone and drop the friend. How people treat your "no" is very important info about the quality of the relationship. If you argue with friends in situations like this, you need to work on yourself.

No is a sufficient answer and it will be very telling if the person doesn't hear and accept that no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

I guarantee your house is not very nice. Most of us aren't like you and value our stuff. That doesn't mean we care more about stuff than friends though. The reality is many people wouldn't behave appropriately. People don't NEED to stay at your house.

People don't know how to act and you never know quite how much your good friends or family actually resent your good fortune. I have seen this many times. If you do something kind and extend the use of your home or property some people will treat it poorly because of whatever deep seated craziness they have going on. Also the thought of people going through my closets/drawers etc creeps me out. You are lying to yourself if you think they won't.

Of course people snoop. It is basic human nature. Any guest who claims otherwise is lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a house in the countryside. We often ask our friend to come and visit. She is usually too busy. However she messaged recently and asked when we'd be going away next as she'd love to come and stay while we are gone, with another friend.

The curveball in all of this is that this friend has recently gone through a very hard time, so i want to be a good friend. But something about the request is making me feel a little used.

Am i being selfish? Or is the feeling justified? Would love povs.

I would never have asked. I would feel compelled to respond passive aggressively and be like "oh we are away next the weekend of the 21st, so that would be a bad weekend since we won't be there! did you mean what weekend we ARE going to be there next?" and just let her be uncomfortable as she spells out more clearly that she wants to use your house to hang out with someone else when you are specifically NOT going to be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

You are absolutely right, OP. This is a rude request.

And no I would not allow my friend to inviter HER friend and KIDS to stay at your house when you aren't there.
Even if it weren't rude for her to ask (which is is), it is just an invitation for all sorts of trouble and more awkwardness (like if her friend's kids damage something in your house).

what if they break your boogie board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?



Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

You are absolutely right, OP. This is a rude request.

And no I would not allow my friend to inviter HER friend and KIDS to stay at your house when you aren't there.
Even if it weren't rude for her to ask (which is is), it is just an invitation for all sorts of trouble and more awkwardness (like if her friend's kids damage something in your house).

what if they break your boogie board?

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only had this kind of thing happen once, and my response was "we don't rent it out," with the implication being you can't stay there for free or at all.

I love this. "We don't rent it out". Make her clarify that she doesn't want to rent it, she just wants to stay there without you, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

You are clueless about how people act. Clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Op, you've perfectly explained it here, and don't listen to anyone who says it's not anything other than completely rude to ask someone to use their vacation home SPECIFICALLY when they are not going to be there, like as a prerequisite for using it. It's very blatantly saying "I want to use your house but only if you are not there too" and it's so ridiculously rude. I would be tempted to respond something like, "you mean you want to go to my vacation home but only if I'm not there?" and let her apologize and rephrase and then say "sorry, that won't work for us". I also would realize that this person doesn't actually like you very much and I'd stop hanging out with her.

[Anonymous]

This person is not your friend, OP. You need to drop her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ChatGPT is inadequately trained.

Option 1: Thank you for thinking of us BUT..

Option 2: I’m so glad you feel comfortable asking BUT…

Option 3: That’s really kind of you to ask BUT…

Why would a homeowner say any of the above to someone asking to squat in their home when 1. homeowner isn’t there 2. They’ve not been invited to use their home when not there

Exactly. Each of those statements is a lie. Why encourage that? Most of us are offended they are asking so there is nothing kind or thoughtful about the ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

I guarantee your house is not very nice. Most of us aren't like you and value our stuff. That doesn't mean we care more about stuff than friends though. The reality is many people wouldn't behave appropriately. People don't NEED to stay at your house.

People don't know how to act and you never know quite how much your good friends or family actually resent your good fortune. I have seen this many times. If you do something kind and extend the use of your home or property some people will treat it poorly because of whatever deep seated craziness they have going on. Also the thought of people going through my closets/drawers etc creeps me out. You are lying to yourself if you think they won't.

Of course people snoop. It is basic human nature. Any guest who claims otherwise is lying.

TIL, I am not human.