Friend asked to stay at our house with another friend when we are not there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

I guarantee your house is not very nice. Most of us aren't like you and value our stuff. That doesn't mean we care more about stuff than friends though. The reality is many people wouldn't behave appropriately. People don't NEED to stay at your house.

People don't know how to act and you never know quite how much your good friends or family actually resent your good fortune. I have seen this many times. If you do something kind and extend the use of your home or property some people will treat it poorly because of whatever deep seated craziness they have going on. Also the thought of people going through my closets/drawers etc creeps me out. You are lying to yourself if you think they won't.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

You are clueless about how people act. Clueless.

Perhaps I just run in different circles.

Regardless, I’d appreciate someone telling me what they are afraid of.

Someone mentioned “snooping.”

Okay.

So what would people find in your house? I can’t think of anything embarrassing in my house (or anything that couldn’t be tossed in a bag and taken with me).

Don’t most people who rent their vacation homes have at least one closet they lock? That’s fairly standard for truly personal items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

You are clueless about how people act. Clueless.

Perhaps I just run in different circles.

Regardless, I’d appreciate someone telling me what they are afraid of.

Someone mentioned “snooping.”

Okay.

So what would people find in your house? I can’t think of anything embarrassing in my house (or anything that couldn’t be tossed in a bag and taken with me).

Don’t most people who rent their vacation homes have at least one closet they lock? That’s fairly standard for truly personal items.

OP doesn’t rent her house. She’s mentioned that.
The better question is why do you think this friend is entitled to use OP’s home in order to entertain another friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you may be feeling a little used because this friend asked to bring along another friend (which is kinda rude to do imo.)

However since she went through a tough time, you may want to just let her visit w/her friend but that is entirely at your discretion……

Good luck!

op - you nailed it.

I have been working on mentally trying to get there with being ok with it, but my brain is not letting me. I'm concerned that even if i want to be the kind of person who is not offended by this, i factually am offended by it and therefore will continue to be so while they are at my home and possibly thereafter as well.

You are not a good friend. Own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate when people offer, "please come see us sometime (in some desirable place)" , later you inquire and it's awkward. Because they really didn't mean it. Tt was insincere. Don't be a jerk - say what you mean and mean what you say.

Well OP DID invite her friend to come see her and stay with her. What she didn't do was say "check with me for when I'm not going to be there and then the house can be all yours with your other friends"

[Anonymous]

I am going to play devils advocate and say perhaps all your invites to come stay with you somehow translated in the friends minds as “ that’s so nice they want me to see/ stay at their place”…..” I don’t want to put them out…maybe I can go when they are not there.” Who knows.

I’d say let her do,it this once as she’s been through a hard time. Invite her sometime again when you are there. If she can’t find the time, then you know.

Why not extend grace this once, and not assume ill intent. We all need to learn this - myself included.

[Anonymous]

This is so rude and entitled of her! I would reach for a white lie and say, sorry, the hvac system has to be replaced and the heat will be turned off for a while and it will be a big mess! She will know it’s you saying no without having to say it and won’t ask again

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal- she wasn't worried about her request being rude, so I wouldn't be worried about my response being weird.

"No- we won't be there. See you at a better time when we can all get together".

[Anonymous]

Do you have enough rooms where she could’ve stayed there, with her friend, while you and your husband were also there?

If so I think it’s even more egregious that she specified “I want to be there when you’re NOT there.”

She sounds obnoxious and entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have enough rooms where she could’ve stayed there, with her friend, while you and your husband were also there?

If so I think it’s even more egregious that she specified “I want to be there when you’re NOT there.”

She sounds obnoxious and entitled.

Exactly. She wants to play hostess at someone else’s house for a complete stranger to OP. Who does this?? She essentially disinvited OP to her own home.

[Anonymous]

We had a vacation home insurance policy and later realized it only covered us and "immediate family". It covered liability for friends who were there - while we were also there - but the insurance would not cover if a friend stayed there without us.

Our adult children could stay there, even with their friends, but the key was the adult child was considered "immediate family".

At first (before we understood the insurance limitation), we let a few friends stay when we weren't there, but it was just a hassle. Items would get lost, like a laminated map to local hikes, which someone probably left in their car. Or I couldn't find the remote or a corkscrew when we returned to the house.

Then there was the whole problem of making sure the sheets, kitchen and bathrooms were clean and ready for us to show up late on a Friday night for a long weekend. One friend left a wet teabag in the teamaker which was moldy and smelly when we discovered it a month later.

I was so glad when I discovered the insurance limitation. It was much easier to tell friends we'd love to have you visit, but for insurance reasons, it needs to be a week when we are also there.

Check your insurance. For vacation homes, the "immediate family" limitation isn't unusual.

[Anonymous]

If you don't rent it out, then you don't want unaccompanied guests, so it's okay to be no. You could use an excuse like the one in the insurance policy above. I have a friend or two who view any reason I give for something as an opportunity to debate, and with those people, I often have to remind myself that "no" is a complete answer and not leave it open to debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you may be feeling a little used because this friend asked to bring along another friend (which is kinda rude to do imo.)

However since she went through a tough time, you may want to just let her visit w/her friend but that is entirely at your discretion……

Good luck!

op - you nailed it.

I have been working on mentally trying to get there with being ok with it, but my brain is not letting me. I'm concerned that even if i want to be the kind of person who is not offended by this, i factually am offended by it and therefore will continue to be so while they are at my home and possibly thereafter as well.

You are not a good friend. Own it.

Users don’t deserve good friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had a vacation home insurance policy and later realized it only covered us and "immediate family". It covered liability for friends who were there - while we were also there - but the insurance would not cover if a friend stayed there without us.

Our adult children could stay there, even with their friends, but the key was the adult child was considered "immediate family".

At first (before we understood the insurance limitation), we let a few friends stay when we weren't there, but it was just a hassle. Items would get lost, like a laminated map to local hikes, which someone probably left in their car. Or I couldn't find the remote or a corkscrew when we returned to the house.

Then there was the whole problem of making sure the sheets, kitchen and bathrooms were clean and ready for us to show up late on a Friday night for a long weekend. One friend left a wet teabag in the teamaker which was moldy and smelly when we discovered it a month later.

I was so glad when I discovered the insurance limitation. It was much easier to tell friends we'd love to have you visit, but for insurance reasons, it needs to be a week when we are also there.

Check your insurance. For vacation homes, the "immediate family" limitation isn't unusual.

Such a pointless appliance,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems strange that she’s specifically asking to visit when you’re gone. Did she recently divorce and wants to stay there with a new BF?

I’m not the op, but that’s a logical assumption.

It’s gross that she literally asked when WON’T you be there so she can plan to be there then. That’s really offensive and very different from “can we come x dates? Oh, shoot you won’t be there then? Any chance we can still use it?” She’s planning around not seeing you.

This. Very rude. I'd have to think hard about this request. It would depend on how much I'd want to support her in whatever she's going through.

Um…you mean you’d have to evaluate whether or not to support your friend?

Nice.

I’m baffled by the overwhelming response that asking to use a friend’s vacation home is audaciously rude.

It’s fine to ask a good friend…and it’s fine to say no. But most normal people would let a good friend use their place if it was available.

WTH is wrong with people? Dcumlandia is so weird.

Op - it’s less that it’s her and her kids it’s more about asking when I’m not there so she she bring another friend rather than just coming to stay with me.

Think about it: it’s either a romantic interest or a mom of her kid’s friend.

Practically speaking, do you have enough space for everyone? My guess is that you do not…and she knows this.

If she is struggling and this might be the only way she gets a vacation—and if she is really someone you consider a friend—ask yourself why you feel conflicted about accommodating her.

Maybe try this: ask her directly.

“Sally, I was a little surprised that you asked to use the house when we aren’t there rather than visiting us. Is there a reason why?”

You are obviously hurt. Maybe engage to find out her reasons rather than jump to conclusions and summarily shut her down…and risk damaging the friendship.

Honestly, an empty vacation home is just silly to me. I’d err on being generous with a friend.

You are clueless about how people act. Clueless.

Perhaps I just run in different circles.

Regardless, I’d appreciate someone telling me what they are afraid of.

Someone mentioned “snooping.”

Okay.

So what would people find in your house? I can’t think of anything embarrassing in my house (or anything that couldn’t be tossed in a bag and taken with me).

Don’t most people who rent their vacation homes have at least one closet they lock? That’s fairly standard for truly personal items.

You just get more ridiculous with each post. You also do not own a house with nice things.