Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

It's one thing to ask for help cooking and cleaning, but this is just b-wordy...

Nope. I said, she isn't coming this year. I cited all the reasons- the taking the baby from my arms when she came into the hospital room and not giving her back when I asked (and I had just had a C section and couldn't get up to physically take her back). The insisting on coming in to visit every day and not leaving when I asked her to because I needed to try to shower or poop or just wanted to sleep (again, it wasn't easy to physically remove her from the hospital room, I was recovering). The staying at our house for a week- which I had been fine with when she offered it! Extra hands! Loving grandma!- and not even doing the bare minimum such as ordering food or emptying the dishwasher once or twice. She came into my bedroom without knocking and would take the baby out of the basinet and tell me "I'll bring her back later! I want my grandma snuggles!" and then ignore my texts to bring her back , making me get up (again- C section recovery) to go find her out on the back deck or wherever she was, to find my own F-ing brand new baby because my boobs were leaking. And of course watching TV, holding my baby, and telling me "I know I'm supposed to help cook and clean but I really just prefer to hold my granddaughter". My husband witnessed some of this but not all of it, and he was adjusting to being a dad too, so it wasn't easy for him to stand up to his mom so unexpectedly. I had no warning she'd be like this. It was partially PPD/PPA but it truly felt on a visceral level that she was trying to take my child. Especially when she'd come in and take her out of the basinet while I was napping and then not respond when I called her to see where my baby was (that only happened once thankfully because I started screaming when I couldn't find my daughter in her basinet).

My husband had sort of blacked a lot of it out I guess but I reminded him of it and he called her and told her she couldn't come. Apparently she begged for weeks (I stayed totally out of it, he fielded every single call) and the compromise was, she could come and see the baby but she couldn't touch her because I was still panicked about how she used to take the baby from me all the time last time. I don't regret it at all. She's not more important in the situation here, I'm more important after the birth of my child.

Still a B move from you.

It's really interesting to see a post like that and see you, presumably also mother, say it's a "B move" to not invite this MIL back for the next child's birth. On the same thread as mothers saying "just don't allow anyone to visit if you don't want them to visit! Grow a spine!"

It's almost like new mothers can never win. They're either a doormat or a B. What they aren't, apparently, is a cherished member of the family whose needs in the aftermath of birth matter or mean anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

It's one thing to ask for help cooking and cleaning, but this is just b-wordy...

Nope. I said, she isn't coming this year. I cited all the reasons- the taking the baby from my arms when she came into the hospital room and not giving her back when I asked (and I had just had a C section and couldn't get up to physically take her back). The insisting on coming in to visit every day and not leaving when I asked her to because I needed to try to shower or poop or just wanted to sleep (again, it wasn't easy to physically remove her from the hospital room, I was recovering). The staying at our house for a week- which I had been fine with when she offered it! Extra hands! Loving grandma!- and not even doing the bare minimum such as ordering food or emptying the dishwasher once or twice. She came into my bedroom without knocking and would take the baby out of the basinet and tell me "I'll bring her back later! I want my grandma snuggles!" and then ignore my texts to bring her back , making me get up (again- C section recovery) to go find her out on the back deck or wherever she was, to find my own F-ing brand new baby because my boobs were leaking. And of course watching TV, holding my baby, and telling me "I know I'm supposed to help cook and clean but I really just prefer to hold my granddaughter". My husband witnessed some of this but not all of it, and he was adjusting to being a dad too, so it wasn't easy for him to stand up to his mom so unexpectedly. I had no warning she'd be like this. It was partially PPD/PPA but it truly felt on a visceral level that she was trying to take my child. Especially when she'd come in and take her out of the basinet while I was napping and then not respond when I called her to see where my baby was (that only happened once thankfully because I started screaming when I couldn't find my daughter in her basinet).

My husband had sort of blacked a lot of it out I guess but I reminded him of it and he called her and told her she couldn't come. Apparently she begged for weeks (I stayed totally out of it, he fielded every single call) and the compromise was, she could come and see the baby but she couldn't touch her because I was still panicked about how she used to take the baby from me all the time last time. I don't regret it at all. She's not more important in the situation here, I'm more important after the birth of my child.

Still a B move from you.

It's really interesting to see a post like that and see you, presumably also mother, say it's a "B move" to not invite this MIL back for the next child's birth. On the same thread as mothers saying "just don't allow anyone to visit if you don't want them to visit! Grow a spine!"

It's almost like new mothers can never win. They're either a doormat or a B. What they aren't, apparently, is a cherished member of the family whose needs in the aftermath of birth matter or mean anything.

Corrections -

It is fine not to invite MIL or anyone to stay following the birth. It is not fine to deny any visits whatsoever and it is not fine to not allow MIL to touch the baby. (This just makes the dynamic worse, by the way, reinforcing MIL’s fears about access and making her more possessive.) Instead, express rules: “We are focusing on family time, so not allowing overnight guests or long visits. You are welcome to come for an hour on [day]. Please play with the toddler first when you get there, to make her feel some attention. Once baby is done feeding, you can take a nice long turn with him. We want the visit to go calmly, so please go with this flow or we will have to rethink having visits so early.”

You have to learn to deal with people or you will end up just like MIL: acting out of panic and emotion rather than talking through things and dealing with them head on and respectfully.

[Anonymous]

I did actually have fleeting thoughts that my MIL might try to take my baby away from me when I was postpartum. I don't think it's that weird, because you are pumped full of hormones that are designed to make you fiercely protective of your baby. If you combine that with a demanding, grabby MIL with no boundaries, you're going to get some weird thoughts.

My MIL kept complaining that I was "hogging" the baby because I was nursing. She felt that since we were only visiting for a few days, I should allow her to hold the baby continuously during that time. On multiple occasions she attempted to forcibly remove the baby from my arms when I was holding her, and if I objected, she would pout and say "you get to hold her all the time!" Yeah I do, lady -- she's my baby and she was inside my body less than two weeks ago!

We went out to a restaurant at one point and ran into a friend of hers who she of course wanted to introduce to the baby. The friend came over, ignored me, cooed at the baby, and then turned to to my MIL and said "ah, you always wanted a daughter!"

Don't do this stuff to a woman who just had a baby. It might have been irrational for me to think my MIL was trying to "steal" my baby, but I had an excuse for the irrationality -- postpartum hormones make you crazy. I was also randomly weeping all the time. None of this was my fault and it's actually why I should have been at home in my own bed being cared for and not paraded around with the baby to satisfy my MIL's lifelong daughter fantasies.

I also think my MIL and FIL absolutely were annoyed that I had to be with the baby all the time at that point. They didn't want to deal with me (because of the aforementioned hormones and weeping and being tired and wanting to lie down all the time) but they wanted to show the baby off. So a lot of it was me just reading the room and then my hormone-addled brain running with it.

So yeah, did I sometimes get paranoid and think MIL was plotting to take the baby away? Yes. Is this my fault? Nope, not even a little, it was a normal response given my condition. Was my MIL partially at fault for it. YES. She was being crazy and she did not have hormones to blame. She was just jealous and grabby and refused to understand that my daughter's birth was not all about her living out her lifelong dream of having a daughter of her very own.

[Anonymous]

While expectations may vary across cultures, in no culture is a postpartum mom expected to care for her in-laws right after she has had a baby. It is absolutely unacceptable across all cultures and socioeconomic groups to expect anything from a postpartum mom unless you are her baby. Anywhere in the world, OP's MIL is out of line. She should not come over right after a birth unless it is to serve the new mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

It's one thing to ask for help cooking and cleaning, but this is just b-wordy...

Nope. I said, she isn't coming this year. I cited all the reasons- the taking the baby from my arms when she came into the hospital room and not giving her back when I asked (and I had just had a C section and couldn't get up to physically take her back). The insisting on coming in to visit every day and not leaving when I asked her to because I needed to try to shower or poop or just wanted to sleep (again, it wasn't easy to physically remove her from the hospital room, I was recovering). The staying at our house for a week- which I had been fine with when she offered it! Extra hands! Loving grandma!- and not even doing the bare minimum such as ordering food or emptying the dishwasher once or twice. She came into my bedroom without knocking and would take the baby out of the basinet and tell me "I'll bring her back later! I want my grandma snuggles!" and then ignore my texts to bring her back , making me get up (again- C section recovery) to go find her out on the back deck or wherever she was, to find my own F-ing brand new baby because my boobs were leaking. And of course watching TV, holding my baby, and telling me "I know I'm supposed to help cook and clean but I really just prefer to hold my granddaughter". My husband witnessed some of this but not all of it, and he was adjusting to being a dad too, so it wasn't easy for him to stand up to his mom so unexpectedly. I had no warning she'd be like this. It was partially PPD/PPA but it truly felt on a visceral level that she was trying to take my child. Especially when she'd come in and take her out of the basinet while I was napping and then not respond when I called her to see where my baby was (that only happened once thankfully because I started screaming when I couldn't find my daughter in her basinet).

My husband had sort of blacked a lot of it out I guess but I reminded him of it and he called her and told her she couldn't come. Apparently she begged for weeks (I stayed totally out of it, he fielded every single call) and the compromise was, she could come and see the baby but she couldn't touch her because I was still panicked about how she used to take the baby from me all the time last time. I don't regret it at all. She's not more important in the situation here, I'm more important after the birth of my child.

Still a B move from you.

The fact that you have no sympathy toward the prior poster just proves you hate women. It's clear that o you women are less than and need to just go along with what everyone else wants. Sick!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:While expectations may vary across cultures, in no culture is a postpartum mom expected to care for her in-laws right after she has had a baby. It is absolutely unacceptable across all cultures and socioeconomic groups to expect anything from a postpartum mom unless you are her baby. Anywhere in the world, OP's MIL is out of line. She should not come over right after a birth unless it is to serve the new mom.

This, end of story.

There are also cultures in the world where a person who did this would simply be packed up and removed from the house. Not meanly, she could come back later when the baby was older and the mother was fully recovered. But she would not be permitted to sit in the house and make demands of the new mom, who would be being cared for by friends and family members, and deferred to with special status for having just done one of the most important things a human being can do -- bring a new life into the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did actually have fleeting thoughts that my MIL might try to take my baby away from me when I was postpartum. I don't think it's that weird, because you are pumped full of hormones that are designed to make you fiercely protective of your baby. If you combine that with a demanding, grabby MIL with no boundaries, you're going to get some weird thoughts.

My MIL kept complaining that I was "hogging" the baby because I was nursing. She felt that since we were only visiting for a few days, I should allow her to hold the baby continuously during that time. On multiple occasions she attempted to forcibly remove the baby from my arms when I was holding her, and if I objected, she would pout and say "you get to hold her all the time!" Yeah I do, lady -- she's my baby and she was inside my body less than two weeks ago!

We went out to a restaurant at one point and ran into a friend of hers who she of course wanted to introduce to the baby. The friend came over, ignored me, cooed at the baby, and then turned to to my MIL and said "ah, you always wanted a daughter!"

Don't do this stuff to a woman who just had a baby. It might have been irrational for me to think my MIL was trying to "steal" my baby, but I had an excuse for the irrationality -- postpartum hormones make you crazy. I was also randomly weeping all the time. None of this was my fault and it's actually why I should have been at home in my own bed being cared for and not paraded around with the baby to satisfy my MIL's lifelong daughter fantasies.

I also think my MIL and FIL absolutely were annoyed that I had to be with the baby all the time at that point. They didn't want to deal with me (because of the aforementioned hormones and weeping and being tired and wanting to lie down all the time) but they wanted to show the baby off. So a lot of it was me just reading the room and then my hormone-addled brain running with it.

So yeah, did I sometimes get paranoid and think MIL was plotting to take the baby away? Yes. Is this my fault? Nope, not even a little, it was a normal response given my condition. Was my MIL partially at fault for it. YES. She was being crazy and she did not have hormones to blame. She was just jealous and grabby and refused to understand that my daughter's birth was not all about her living out her lifelong dream of having a daughter of her very own.

I was not crazy with hormones after the birth of my children and was angry when both mil and fil pulled this crap with me. How dare anyone try to tell you that you should tolerate such selfish rudeness. Don't blame hormones. What these women do are complete b* moves and they know it. That this crazy poster who hates women shows up to belittle new moms and dils constantly tells us all we need to know about her. It's rich that she refers to the posters here as bs. We know who is.

I'd been on extended bedrest with a twin birth and the ils wanted to take my kids out during cold and flu season to show off to their friends. Mil was furious that she wasn't going to get to take my newborns an hour away without dh or me for a grandma shower. My kids were attached to machines to monitor their reflux and on various meds. My ils are lucky I didn't toss them out on their ears. If people are rude and selfish like pp's ils, they suffer the consequences of their poor choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did actually have fleeting thoughts that my MIL might try to take my baby away from me when I was postpartum. I don't think it's that weird, because you are pumped full of hormones that are designed to make you fiercely protective of your baby. If you combine that with a demanding, grabby MIL with no boundaries, you're going to get some weird thoughts.

My MIL kept complaining that I was "hogging" the baby because I was nursing. She felt that since we were only visiting for a few days, I should allow her to hold the baby continuously during that time. On multiple occasions she attempted to forcibly remove the baby from my arms when I was holding her, and if I objected, she would pout and say "you get to hold her all the time!" Yeah I do, lady -- she's my baby and she was inside my body less than two weeks ago!

We went out to a restaurant at one point and ran into a friend of hers who she of course wanted to introduce to the baby. The friend came over, ignored me, cooed at the baby, and then turned to to my MIL and said "ah, you always wanted a daughter!"

Don't do this stuff to a woman who just had a baby. It might have been irrational for me to think my MIL was trying to "steal" my baby, but I had an excuse for the irrationality -- postpartum hormones make you crazy. I was also randomly weeping all the time. None of this was my fault and it's actually why I should have been at home in my own bed being cared for and not paraded around with the baby to satisfy my MIL's lifelong daughter fantasies.

I also think my MIL and FIL absolutely were annoyed that I had to be with the baby all the time at that point. They didn't want to deal with me (because of the aforementioned hormones and weeping and being tired and wanting to lie down all the time) but they wanted to show the baby off. So a lot of it was me just reading the room and then my hormone-addled brain running with it.

So yeah, did I sometimes get paranoid and think MIL was plotting to take the baby away? Yes. Is this my fault? Nope, not even a little, it was a normal response given my condition. Was my MIL partially at fault for it. YES. She was being crazy and she did not have hormones to blame. She was just jealous and grabby and refused to understand that my daughter's birth was not all about her living out her lifelong dream of having a daughter of her very own.

I was not crazy with hormones after the birth of my children and was angry when both mil and fil pulled this crap with me. How dare anyone try to tell you that you should tolerate such selfish rudeness. Don't blame hormones. What these women do are complete b* moves and they know it. That this crazy poster who hates women shows up to belittle new moms and dils constantly tells us all we need to know about her. It's rich that she refers to the posters here as bs. We know who is.

I'd been on extended bedrest with a twin birth and the ils wanted to take my kids out during cold and flu season to show off to their friends. Mil was furious that she wasn't going to get to take my newborns an hour away without dh or me for a grandma shower. My kids were attached to machines to monitor their reflux and on various meds. My ils are lucky I didn't toss them out on their ears. If people are rude and selfish like pp's ils, they suffer the consequences of their poor choices.

A grandma shower?! Now I’ve heard it all.

Hope your babies are big healthy kids now, because they’ll need their strength to deal with their grandmother in the future.

[Anonymous]

Did not read all the posts. Four women in my family care to help. Took initiative. I told my pm she had to leave early because she admitted she was getting help to help my husband with the TWINS i the middle of the night but not me. She packed her bags, but husband did talk to her and she changed her tune. Don't put up with the first inkling of this behavior OP. It is clear what is needed. My aunt, sister, and stepmother figured it out very quickly.

[Anonymous]

PM= mother. spell check super weird today.

[Anonymous]

My MIL decided I had post partum psychosis and someone to our house to check on us. Honestly new grandparents can be crazy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These stories are heartbreaking.

The only time I’ve held someone’s newborn was when my friend had the world’s fussiest baby who would only sleep the first month while being held and aggressively squat-bounced. I didn’t know this. I came over with bags of food and presents expecting to leave quickly to give her space and she handed the baby over and I did squats for 3 hours and my friend talked to her mom in another room and ate and slept.

Our kids are in middle school now and we still laugh about her DD and how fit she made us. I’ve played a lot of sports and done some crazy running stuff, but I’ve never been as sore as I was the day after that visit. I wish I could clear these MILs out, vacuum while you’re not sleeping, and sneakily clean everything else while you are sleeping. You deserve a quiet house, full fridge, and freshly scrubbed bathroom.

You are a great person. Your friend is so lucky to have you in her life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems really rude on the surface but what was the dynamic that led to it? Things don't exist in a vaccuum. What kind of relationship do you have that she was there for a week but you couldn't even ask her for a glass or water or food? Those two things don't really fit together.

Are there cultural dynamics? Who invited her? What was the relationship like before? Has she ever cooked and helped out at your home? Etc.

This is abdolute nonsense. If you don't have a good relationship with someone you don't crowd their space during their time of need and fold your arms. MIL should have stayed home. What her MIL did was cruel because it gave others around OP, who might have chipped in to help OP, a false sense that OP was well taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The expectation is that they cook, clean, and serve you. That's what we do in our family.

+100 my mom stayed with us and she did absolutely everything. Made food for all of us, cleaned etc. I focused on baby. She helped with diaper changes and the less pleasant and hard parts of that too.

It's insane to expect to be "hosted" in that state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems really rude on the surface but what was the dynamic that led to it? Things don't exist in a vaccuum. What kind of relationship do you have that she was there for a week but you couldn't even ask her for a glass or water or food? Those two things don't really fit together.

Are there cultural dynamics? Who invited her? What was the relationship like before? Has she ever cooked and helped out at your home? Etc.

Please. I bet her son invited her. In the past when she visited the young able bodied couple she was hosted as any other guest would be. There’s nothing wrong with that dynamic.

Visiting a postpartum woman is a completely different situation.

Nobody would visit a family after major surgery and expect to be waited on. Yet, people do this to new moms. It’s taking advantage of someone too vulnerable to even have the emotional bandwidth to process they are being mistreated. Then these MILs wonder why they’re rarely invited back for Christmas and other celebrations.

Once trust is broken, it’s hard to build it back.

Why does the FIL get a pass? He can certainly make a meal.