Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
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Anonymous
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Do you think if a family member asks to stay at a new mom’s house in the week post partum she’s required to help in some way?
I’m asking because MIL stayed for a week a day after I had our baby and didn’t get me a glass of water, didn’t cook a single meal or help in any way and I thought it was really rude. |
Anonymous
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It seems really rude on the surface but what was the dynamic that led to it? Things don't exist in a vaccuum. What kind of relationship do you have that she was there for a week but you couldn't even ask her for a glass or water or food? Those two things don't really fit together.
Are there cultural dynamics? Who invited her? What was the relationship like before? Has she ever cooked and helped out at your home? Etc. |
Anonymous
Please. I bet her son invited her. In the past when she visited the young able bodied couple she was hosted as any other guest would be. There’s nothing wrong with that dynamic. Visiting a postpartum woman is a completely different situation. Nobody would visit a family after major surgery and expect to be waited on. Yet, people do this to new moms. It’s taking advantage of someone too vulnerable to even have the emotional bandwidth to process they are being mistreated. Then these MILs wonder why they’re rarely invited back for Christmas and other celebrations. Once trust is broken, it’s hard to build it back. |
Anonymous
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Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.
She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby. |
Anonymous
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My MIL would snatched away my baby while I was trying to start breastfeeding and make DH's favorite food which has an ingredient I'm allergic to.
Ah, good times... |
Anonymous
| When my best friend was post partum, I'd drop off food, do some chores, and gtfo. I didn't try to hold the baby. Lots of people's job was to care for the baby, my job was to take care of my friend. I'm an honorary auntie to her kid today, but it didn't need to start when she was a week old. |
Anonymous
Is this the lasagna MIL? |
Anonymous
| My MIL complained about takeout and asked for a home cooked meal, lol. Such a b. |
Anonymous
| Was she waiting for you to ask her to do something? |
Anonymous
My MIL was the one bringing in the take out. She also did laundry and once took my colicky baby so I could shower. She was such a nice woman. I'm sad my second kid will never get a chance to know her. Stupid cancer. |
Anonymous
| Did she cook for herself, clean up after herself and generally not cause you any additional work? If so then I think that’s within the realm of reasonable. Your spouse should be the one caring for you. |
Anonymous
| The expectation is that they cook, clean, and serve you. That's what we do in our family. |
Anonymous
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It IS rude. I would never have let anyone stay soon after the birth if I weren't sure that they had come to help me.
I'm sorry that happened, OP. You are entirely within your rights to put your foot down if you give birth again and MIL wants to impose herself. |
Anonymous
No, there seems to be more than one of these types of MIL I will have to look up lasagna MIL |
Anonymous
No, she expected meals to be provided by us for her, that’s why she said she was tired of takeout and wanted homecooked meals. |