Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your first mistake was hosting MIL that soon after giving birth.

Oh go F yourself. None of these brand new mothers with their first babies made “mistakes”. The older generation of women took advantage of their cluelessness and vulnerability and it’s atrocious. I posted a few times (MIL hogging the baby and saying out loud she wasn’t going to clean, and pressing us to drive up and visit her so she could show of her new grandchild while I slept on the couch in the living room instead of the guest room) and the reason I “invited her to stay” after the baby was born was because I had NO CLUE. None. Pre baby, it would never cross my mind to tell them NOT to come when they asked to visit or NOT to stay at our home when they were in town. Or that no, I wouldn’t attend a baby shower I’d had months of notice for.

Believe me for the second baby I learned my lesson and that woman did come down. But only after hospital discharge and she didn’t hold the baby a single time. She did laundry, shopped, cooked, and cleaned. My wonderful husband put the fear of Jesus in her when she assumed she’d be coming to snuggle the baby all week for round 2 and these were the only terms he would allow her to come on.

Mistake , my a**. New moms don’t know anything. But the new grandmas absolutely know better

As a grandmother, I did not feel helpless at all and used my words to let my MIL know I didn’t need her help. We managed to feed ourselves and keep our home clean all by ourselves. I hate new moms are such helpless martyrs. And no way would I help a selfish new moms are such like above. Hire a damn maid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs visited but stayed elsewhere. I remember that my nipples hurt so much that wearing a shirt was painful. But I had to wear one when they were visiting and be in pain.

They are both great cooks but I do not recall them cooking anything for us.

MIL made noise about wanting to take older grandchildren on a trip. Most were not into it.

We worked FT, and grandparents had summers off and could have visited us more but they chose not to do that. So, they spent little time with grandkids overall.

As a result, grandkids did not want to take a trip with them, especially because FIL is so passive and MIL forces people with less power to do things her way.

I wonder why they grew up not to like the grandparents. You’re still whining about sore nipples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think if a family member asks to stay at a new mom’s house in the week post partum she’s required to help in some way?

I’m asking because MIL stayed for a week a day after I had our baby and didn’t get me a glass of water, didn’t cook a single meal or help in any way and I thought it was really rude.

Oh Jesus can we go for five minutes without bashing a mother in law? Does anyone have any new material?

Agree. wtf. Is it not 2025?

Where are the men performing any labor here?

Why does passive football-watching FIL always get a pass?

In many cases the FIL doesn't come. It's very common for dads and FILs to stay home while their wives travel to the new family, but traditionally this is because she's going to help, not sit around expecting the new mom to wait on her.

Oh, I’m aware of that. Time for the FIL to step up is what I’m suggesting.

They can cook a meal and use a dust rag.

You knew the baby was coming. You should have stocked your freezer and had the house cleaned before the baby came. Did the whole nesting thing pass you by? Why do you need your MIL to do work you should have done before baby?

You people are unreal. If you want to understand why we don’t have villages anymore, the above comment perfectly captures it.

We don’t have villages because we value our independence and autonomy. So we pay for the help we want and need without the judgment and expectations of family. You all want the good without the bad and its not realistic.

I’ll just say, if your response to your daughter or DIL when they are floundering and overwhelmed when their first baby comes is “well you knew the baby was coming, you should have stocked your freezer , didn’t you do that whole nesting thing? Why do you need me to cook for you when you should have done that before the baby came?”, I hope you’re not expecting any visitors in the nursing home. I mean, yikes.

If she expects me to be her indentured servant I'd set her straight. My mom nor my MIL came to dust and scrub and I was more than ok with that.

Don't be a fool and stay home when your DIL gives birth you heartless biatch.

[Anonymous]

Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.

Why did you pay for help? Don't have kids if you cannot do everything by yourself. It's crazy how you found help because the first few weeks are tough, yet you lack empathy for other new moms who need help.

We are not talking about the MIL being a long term nanny. We are talking about the first couple of weeks. Don't visit people in their time of need if you don't intend to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.

Why did you pay for help? Don't have kids if you cannot do everything by yourself. It's crazy how you found help because the first few weeks are tough, yet you lack empathy for other new moms who need help.

We are not talking about the MIL being a long term nanny. We are talking about the first couple of weeks. Don't visit people in their time of need if you don't intend to help.

How do you get through life being so dysfunctional? Your husband is supposed to help. What's he so busy doing? It really doesn't take two able bodied adults to look after and watch a newborn sleep the first few weeks. Your DH needs to pick up the slack, not his mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.

Why did you pay for help? Don't have kids if you cannot do everything by yourself. It's crazy how you found help because the first few weeks are tough, yet you lack empathy for other new moms who need help.

We are not talking about the MIL being a long term nanny. We are talking about the first couple of weeks. Don't visit people in their time of need if you don't intend to help.

How do you get through life being so dysfunctional? Your husband is supposed to help. What's he so busy doing? It really doesn't take two able bodied adults to look after and watch a newborn sleep the first few weeks. Your DH needs to pick up the slack, not his mom.

Sweetheart, not only did I have my DH on paternity leave for 2 months, I had hired help too. And guess what? When my mom and sister cane to visit, they were helping with bottles, dishes and cooking. I was breastfeeding, pumping, and bathing my baby, and that's it.

But the difference between you and me is that I have empathy. I can see how the OP's DH could be at work thinking his wife was in good hands because his mom was there. I can see how a woman without the means to hire help would need some extra hands because she was tired after waking up every 2 hours to feed the baby. A new mother needs all the rest she can get.

And my MIL would never be that heartless. She visited us every Sunday and would be in the kitchen trying to help out as much as she could. She couldn't help much because she was recovering from a health crisis. But she offered, and we told her not to worry.

[Anonymous]

Why do you expect your mom or MIL to clean your house?
Hire a cleaner

[Anonymous]

DH and I managed to do everything ourselves postpartum. Living in a condo at that time made things less overwhelming. Even with pain from the c-section, I enjoyed every bit of my days with my first child. Love is powerful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I managed to do everything ourselves postpartum. Living in a condo at that time made things less overwhelming. Even with pain from the c-section, I enjoyed every bit of my days with my first child. Love is powerful.

Love is so powerful that you would visit your child one week after they have birth and not lend a helping hand. Powerful indeed! /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.

Why did you pay for help? Don't have kids if you cannot do everything by yourself. It's crazy how you found help because the first few weeks are tough, yet you lack empathy for other new moms who need help.

We are not talking about the MIL being a long term nanny. We are talking about the first couple of weeks. Don't visit people in their time of need if you don't intend to help.

How do you get through life being so dysfunctional? Your husband is supposed to help. What's he so busy doing? It really doesn't take two able bodied adults to look after and watch a newborn sleep the first few weeks. Your DH needs to pick up the slack, not his mom.

Sweetheart, not only did I have my DH on paternity leave for 2 months, I had hired help too. And guess what? When my mom and sister cane to visit, they were helping with bottles, dishes and cooking. I was breastfeeding, pumping, and bathing my baby, and that's it.

But the difference between you and me is that I have empathy. I can see how the OP's DH could be at work thinking his wife was in good hands because his mom was there. I can see how a woman without the means to hire help would need some extra hands because she was tired after waking up every 2 hours to feed the baby. A new mother needs all the rest she can get.

And my MIL would never be that heartless. She visited us every Sunday and would be in the kitchen trying to help out as much as she could. She couldn't help much because she was recovering from a health crisis. But she offered, and we told her not to worry.

Babe, you sound like a trainwreck princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your mom or MIL to clean your house?
Hire a cleaner

I don’t understand how filthy everyone’s house is that they need a live in caretaker because a baby appeared. What did they do before the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your mom or MIL to clean your house?
Hire a cleaner

Where did OP say she expected anyone to clean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.

Why did you pay for help? Don't have kids if you cannot do everything by yourself. It's crazy how you found help because the first few weeks are tough, yet you lack empathy for other new moms who need help.

We are not talking about the MIL being a long term nanny. We are talking about the first couple of weeks. Don't visit people in their time of need if you don't intend to help.

How do you get through life being so dysfunctional? Your husband is supposed to help. What's he so busy doing? It really doesn't take two able bodied adults to look after and watch a newborn sleep the first few weeks. Your DH needs to pick up the slack, not his mom.

Sweetheart, not only did I have my DH on paternity leave for 2 months, I had hired help too. And guess what? When my mom and sister cane to visit, they were helping with bottles, dishes and cooking. I was breastfeeding, pumping, and bathing my baby, and that's it.

But the difference between you and me is that I have empathy. I can see how the OP's DH could be at work thinking his wife was in good hands because his mom was there. I can see how a woman without the means to hire help would need some extra hands because she was tired after waking up every 2 hours to feed the baby. A new mother needs all the rest she can get.

And my MIL would never be that heartless. She visited us every Sunday and would be in the kitchen trying to help out as much as she could. She couldn't help much because she was recovering from a health crisis. But she offered, and we told her not to worry.

Babe, you sound like a trainwreck princess.

Thanks! Some of us are blessed with a warm loving families. Too bad you and yours are so cold hearted that you think it is okay to visit your DIL when she just gave birth and refuse to help because you are not a nanny. Pathetic POS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you expect your mom or MIL to clean your house?
Hire a cleaner

What if she cannot afford a cleaner?