Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

So basically once someone (I guess DH) told MIL what you wanted, she did it. Women need to use their words. No one is a mind reader. I understand how difficult it is postpartum (give had 2 csections), but there are just some super dense people who need to be directly told “can you please do this”. I hate that there are people like this, but there just are.

Hah! She knew what she was doing. I had a C section and a blood transfusion. And she sat there and asked me to make her lunch as she held my first baby and I was one day home from the hospital. She even said she knew what she was doing. She said “i know I should help you but I just want to hold my grandchild all day instead”.

And she didn’t need to be “told what I needed” she needed a wake up call that she wouldn’t be seeing her grandkids if that was the type of visitor she was and my husband told her not to come at all. She complained and he cited the exact examples I told him about. She then promised to only be helpful if she was just allowed to visit pretty please. And she WAS helpful. But it’s not because she was clueless the first time. She just wanted to know what she could get away with!

Well you buried the lead and left all of those details out. Regardless, now you know where you stand with her and should be proud of your husband for working with you as a team and instructing his mother on what she had to do. In the end, you got what you wanted. I am sorry she wasn't more sincere. My own mother can be like this, so you aren't alone in having insincere family members. I have to literally spell it all out for my mother, or else she will just take take take and do whatever she wants. I don't even know why she even comes.

I mean, I elaborated a little bit, but the story was the same- I wouldn't say I buried the lede. And yeah, I think Boomers specifically are used to having things their way constantly.

[Anonymous]

Rude. Stand with you. Also at a point in life where I believe the exploratory, polite but assertive conversations are worth having (to understand their point of view, you understand theirs and potentially improve relationships) - life is too short. Nice if your husband could make that call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh man this was the low point in my relationship with my ILs. Traumatic birth, then they showed up and demanded to stay at our house despite being told they needed to stay at a hotel, took the baby out of my arms and told me to go lie down and despite my protests, made a big scene about all the things they were going to do with the baby and declared they were coming once a month for the rest of baby’s childhood, ate the last of our prepared food and bread before finally going to a hotel after my husband put his foot down. Not entirely their fault but they are unable to be helpful (MIL is unwell and FIL is pretty much her nurse, and they both struggle with traveling) so it was not entirely unexpected, hence the requirement to stay at a hotel but I was not expecting the level of pushback or complete lack of concern for my health or preferences immediately after birth.
. I ended up having pretty significant postpartum issues and it was rough for a while but believe it or not we actually get along reasonably well now. Lots of boundaries and a united front by DH and me.

I don't understand why people let other people treat them like trash before putting their foot down. You mean to tell me you let your IL take your newborn out of your arms and demand you go to bed? Could never be me. If someone tried to snatch my newborn, the spirit of every ancestor I have would materialize behind me. The level of wrath I’d unlock would require a FEMA response team. I do not play these games.

Well I was still unable to walk without help and was still in shock from the trauma of the past few days, plus the declaration that that they would in fact be staying with us despite being told otherwise (my husband was actively arguing with his dad, who tends to be more reasonable) so it took me a minute to pull it together. It was the last time that ever happened but yes I’m still upset that I was put in that position.

But on the whole I agree with you that the only reason we have a relationship as good as we do is because my husband and I have generally, outside of that one instance, been very firm about what we would and would not allow for our family and ILs have decided that they are willing to play by our rules to see their grandchildren. My husband’s siblings have not been consistent and have a much more complex and fractured relationship.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The expectation is that they cook, clean, and serve you. That's what we do in our family.

I would definitely stay home. 😁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think if a family member asks to stay at a new mom’s house in the week post partum she’s required to help in some way?

I’m asking because MIL stayed for a week a day after I had our baby and didn’t get me a glass of water, didn’t cook a single meal or help in any way and I thought it was really rude.

Yes. To help the mother and infant she should have been taking care of you and the house. What did she do?

[Anonymous]

My mom stayed with us and was very helpful: handled meals, laundry, cleaning. She came specifically because she wanted to be helpful. My in-laws did not stay with us and I would have said no if they wanted to, it’s not that sort of relationship. The idea of imposing on a new sleepless mom is insane to me and I don’t think it needs spelling out it’s not something you do. Fine not to help but don’t add work to her plate by being a passive guest, stay at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think if a family member asks to stay at a new mom’s house in the week post partum she’s required to help in some way?

I’m asking because MIL stayed for a week a day after I had our baby and didn’t get me a glass of water, didn’t cook a single meal or help in any way and I thought it was really rude.

Oh Jesus can we go for five minutes without bashing a mother in law? Does anyone have any new material?

Of all the ways my MIL mistreated me throughout my 18 year marriage, she did come stay with me and my newborn when DH had to leave for pre deployment training and she cooked and cleaned and was LOVELY. When that woman was good, she was amazing. I miss that part of her that she rarely shows. My own mother who I love was actually horrible to me during this time. I think it had to do with her own hangups.

[Anonymous]

Yes. They are there only to help with the daily household chores and the new mom-new baby care... during the "postpartum period".

- MIL

[Anonymous]

My mom informed me "I'm not coming over to cook and clean when you have an able bodied husband sitting there who can do all that. I just want to see the baby." I guess she has a point but I was swimming in PPD and just needed help.

[Anonymous]

Neither my mom nor my ILs were helpful. My mom was a “just want to snuggle the baby”/“what’s for dinner” type, and my ILs were helpful on their terms- unloading the dishwasher at 4 am after we’d just fallen asleep, walking into my bedroom when I was half dressed to “check on me”, telling me all about their friends’ grandchildren and how they did things better or differently than I did.

I couldn’t walk, like Pp, so I was stuck and reliant on DH and these people for basic needs. DH was a passive wimp about the entire thing and it set the tone for our marriage. No surprise; divorcing now.

My mom came around and found her way.

MIL remains a meddling you-know-what and DH remains a passive baby who is letting mom run around and give him legal advice and tell him how much custody he wants and pay for fancy attorneys.

How people act when you are at you most vulnerable is who they are. Take note!

[Anonymous]

It’s too bad she isn’t more helpful, but try to just accept that she is who she is. I can tell you that many of her generation do not see or understand why they would help. Eg, if you ask my parents, they will tell you they broke their backs raising 4 kids who are now self sufficient and they are done taking care of others. They want to enjoy their golden years. We expect zero help from them, no babysitting, etc. But we have plenty of visits where they enjoy seeing and interacting with the kids. I dictate the terms that work for us in terms of schedule and plans and it works just fine. (My MIL is actually the far more helpful and considerate grandparent and we are grateful for her for sure.)

Feel free to stand up for yourself as well, just don’t let yourself become bitter over unmet expectations. Eg “no, MIL, there is no dinner plan, would you be willing to order something while I feed the baby?” Or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom informed me "I'm not coming over to cook and clean when you have an able bodied husband sitting there who can do all that. I just want to see the baby." I guess she has a point but I was swimming in PPD and just needed help.

Why didn't your husband help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she cook for herself, clean up after herself and generally not cause you any additional work? If so then I think that’s within the realm of reasonable. Your spouse should be the one caring for you.

No, she expected meals to be provided by us for her, that’s why she said she was tired of takeout and wanted homecooked meals.

Is she normally helpful and kind? What's your relationship been like? If this is a new dynamic, I'd be worried that something is wrong with her, maybe cognitive decline. If this is her typical MO I'm not sure why you would expect anything different.

“Normally” OP isn’t recovering from a major trauma at the same time that neither she and her husband are sleeping for more than two hours at a time, while taking care of a brand new human being who is completely helpless.

What is wrong with you????? Why are you so committed to figuring out how to make this OPs fault?

[Anonymous]

These stories are heartbreaking.

The only time I’ve held someone’s newborn was when my friend had the world’s fussiest baby who would only sleep the first month while being held and aggressively squat-bounced. I didn’t know this. I came over with bags of food and presents expecting to leave quickly to give her space and she handed the baby over and I did squats for 3 hours and my friend talked to her mom in another room and ate and slept.

Our kids are in middle school now and we still laugh about her DD and how fit she made us. I’ve played a lot of sports and done some crazy running stuff, but I’ve never been as sore as I was the day after that visit. I wish I could clear these MILs out, vacuum while you’re not sleeping, and sneakily clean everything else while you are sleeping. You deserve a quiet house, full fridge, and freshly scrubbed bathroom.