Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she cook for herself, clean up after herself and generally not cause you any additional work? If so then I think that’s within the realm of reasonable. Your spouse should be the one caring for you.

No, she expected meals to be provided by us for her, that’s why she said she was tired of takeout and wanted homecooked meals.

Oh no. Please tell me your husband did the work and not you. What a horror.

[Anonymous]

Complain to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

So basically once someone (I guess DH) told MIL what you wanted, she did it. Women need to use their words. No one is a mind reader. I understand how difficult it is postpartum (give had 2 csections), but there are just some super dense people who need to be directly told “can you please do this”. I hate that there are people like this, but there just are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think if a family member asks to stay at a new mom’s house in the week post partum she’s required to help in some way?

I’m asking because MIL stayed for a week a day after I had our baby and didn’t get me a glass of water, didn’t cook a single meal or help in any way and I thought it was really rude.

Oh Jesus can we go for five minutes without bashing a mother in law? Does anyone have any new material?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL would snatched away my baby while I was trying to start breastfeeding and make DH's favorite food which has an ingredient I'm allergic to.

Ah, good times...

Is this the lasagna MIL?

No, there seems to be more than one of these types of MIL

I will have to look up lasagna MIL

If I remember correctly it was a MIL who was local and she came by after the DIL gave birth with a lasagna (which DIL couldn’t eat because she was allergic or vegan or something similar) to give to her son, the new father, as a “congratulations” and DIL had to cook her own separate meal. lol. And the MIL knew she couldn’t eat lasagna and said she brought it special for her son.

[Anonymous]

My own mother managed to be unable to open our front door with the key we left her, so my husband had to drive from the hospital (over an hour) to let her in & then drive back. I was on a magnesium drip, so couldn’t hold the baby while he wasn’t in the room. She then asked how she was supposed to get dinner than evening and later broke an appliance we hadn’t asked her to use the first day I was back. Never again. She came when our older kids were a month+.

[Anonymous]

Should be *younger* kids. Sorry!

[Anonymous]

This is why I refused to let my in laws stay with us after our babies were born. In my family's culture, anyone who stays with the new family immediately after a child is born is responsible for taking care of the new parents so that they can take care of their baby. It's like American women forget that someone needs to take care of the new mom whose body has just been through a lot of trauma and needs time to heal. We need to change this about our culture. My mom stayed with us for a month and took care of ME and helped with the baby by, for example, bringing me the baby to feed when she cried. I hope that I can do this for my daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

So basically once someone (I guess DH) told MIL what you wanted, she did it. Women need to use their words. No one is a mind reader. I understand how difficult it is postpartum (give had 2 csections), but there are just some super dense people who need to be directly told “can you please do this”. I hate that there are people like this, but there just are.

Hah! She knew what she was doing. I had a C section and a blood transfusion. And she sat there and asked me to make her lunch as she held my first baby and I was one day home from the hospital. She even said she knew what she was doing. She said “i know I should help you but I just want to hold my grandchild all day instead”.

And she didn’t need to be “told what I needed” she needed a wake up call that she wouldn’t be seeing her grandkids if that was the type of visitor she was and my husband told her not to come at all. She complained and he cited the exact examples I told him about. She then promised to only be helpful if she was just allowed to visit pretty please. And she WAS helpful. But it’s not because she was clueless the first time. She just wanted to know what she could get away with!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she cook for herself, clean up after herself and generally not cause you any additional work? If so then I think that’s within the realm of reasonable. Your spouse should be the one caring for you.

No, she expected meals to be provided by us for her, that’s why she said she was tired of takeout and wanted homecooked meals.

Is she normally helpful and kind? What's your relationship been like? If this is a new dynamic, I'd be worried that something is wrong with her, maybe cognitive decline. If this is her typical MO I'm not sure why you would expect anything different.

[Anonymous]

Oh man this was the low point in my relationship with my ILs. Traumatic birth, then they showed up and demanded to stay at our house despite being told they needed to stay at a hotel, took the baby out of my arms and told me to go lie down and despite my protests, made a big scene about all the things they were going to do with the baby and declared they were coming once a month for the rest of baby’s childhood, ate the last of our prepared food and bread before finally going to a hotel after my husband put his foot down. Not entirely their fault but they are unable to be helpful (MIL is unwell and FIL is pretty much her nurse, and they both struggle with traveling) so it was not entirely unexpected, hence the requirement to stay at a hotel but I was not expecting the level of pushback or complete lack of concern for my health or preferences immediately after birth.
. I ended up having pretty significant postpartum issues and it was rough for a while but believe it or not we actually get along reasonably well now. Lots of boundaries and a united front by DH and me.

[Anonymous]

There has to be middle ground between “she will not lay a finger on my baby, she is a cleaner and chef, and servant” and “all she does is hold the baby.” That’s what I was lucky to have.

[Anonymous]

I never would have let my MIL stay with us. No amount of help would have been worth that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man this was the low point in my relationship with my ILs. Traumatic birth, then they showed up and demanded to stay at our house despite being told they needed to stay at a hotel, took the baby out of my arms and told me to go lie down and despite my protests, made a big scene about all the things they were going to do with the baby and declared they were coming once a month for the rest of baby’s childhood, ate the last of our prepared food and bread before finally going to a hotel after my husband put his foot down. Not entirely their fault but they are unable to be helpful (MIL is unwell and FIL is pretty much her nurse, and they both struggle with traveling) so it was not entirely unexpected, hence the requirement to stay at a hotel but I was not expecting the level of pushback or complete lack of concern for my health or preferences immediately after birth.
. I ended up having pretty significant postpartum issues and it was rough for a while but believe it or not we actually get along reasonably well now. Lots of boundaries and a united front by DH and me.

I don't understand why people let other people treat them like trash before putting their foot down. You mean to tell me you let your IL take your newborn out of your arms and demand you go to bed? Could never be me. If someone tried to snatch my newborn, the spirit of every ancestor I have would materialize behind me. The level of wrath I’d unlock would require a FEMA response team. I do not play these games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Super rude. I remember my MIL doing this after my first was born. She sat on the couch and snuggled the baby while I did housework and even announced “I just want to sit here and snuggle my grandchild!” as I worked. I learned my lesson about being passive and told my DH she wasn’t welcome after our second was born unless she wanted to come and clean and cook all week with no expectations to hold the baby.

She learned her lesson too I guess and showed up and cleaned all week and brought me snacks and didn’t ask to hold the baby.

So basically once someone (I guess DH) told MIL what you wanted, she did it. Women need to use their words. No one is a mind reader. I understand how difficult it is postpartum (give had 2 csections), but there are just some super dense people who need to be directly told “can you please do this”. I hate that there are people like this, but there just are.

Hah! She knew what she was doing. I had a C section and a blood transfusion. And she sat there and asked me to make her lunch as she held my first baby and I was one day home from the hospital. She even said she knew what she was doing. She said “i know I should help you but I just want to hold my grandchild all day instead”.

And she didn’t need to be “told what I needed” she needed a wake up call that she wouldn’t be seeing her grandkids if that was the type of visitor she was and my husband told her not to come at all. She complained and he cited the exact examples I told him about. She then promised to only be helpful if she was just allowed to visit pretty please. And she WAS helpful. But it’s not because she was clueless the first time. She just wanted to know what she could get away with!

Well you buried the lead and left all of those details out. Regardless, now you know where you stand with her and should be proud of your husband for working with you as a team and instructing his mother on what she had to do. In the end, you got what you wanted. I am sorry she wasn't more sincere. My own mother can be like this, so you aren't alone in having insincere family members. I have to literally spell it all out for my mother, or else she will just take take take and do whatever she wants. I don't even know why she even comes.